From the monthly archives:

August 2004

Mesothelioma: The Asbestos Cancer.

by Dave on August 31, 2004

in

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” Robert Frost

I recently discovered that the most expensive keyword on the internet is Mesothelioma – a cancer that is caused from exposure to asbestos. What that means, is that if I’m an ambulance chasing lawyer, and I want to get my ads in front of someone using a search engine (Google, Yahoo, MSN etc.) then I have to pay the ad vendor (Google being the most prominent) upwards of $100 per click. Per click.

You won’t find these sorts of ads for brain, liver or breast cancer – only Mesothelioma. You know why? Because no one individual person or company can be held accountable for liver cancer. No blue chip giant can be bled dry because they’ve been proven as the cause of your Mom’s masectomy. People who can be linked to asbestos however (which has been known to be dangerous since after WWII and has not been in wide use since) are perfect targets for barracuda barristers. And there are so many potential cash cows – landlords, construction companies, your grandfather who happened to use asbestos when he was building a barn for your neighbor in 1932 – they can all be liable.

People who know I am into Search Engine Marketing have asked me, “How does Google make their money?” Now you know. I’m not criticizing Google or losing any sleep over that, though. Lawyers are the ones footing the bill. Not companies that want to provide information or relief to the cancer sufferers, but bloodsucking, bottom feeding lawyers. Mesothelioma has been making them a Mesothitload of money since the year it was identified and traced. Let them pay through the nose.

Mesothelioma related Google ads may show up on this page after it’s been live for a few days. Don’t click them unless you’re truly looking for information on the disease. I wouldn’t want to be accused of click fraud. However, God knows I need the money a lot more than Salomone.

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A New Band Called Perish Ruby

by Dave on August 30, 2004

in Musical

An old friend of mine from Barrie, Ontario has been working towards his dream of forming a band and releasing a CD for many years. That dream finally came true recently, and I built a quick website for him last week. The band is called Perish Ruby and I want the site to get spidered so I’m linking to it from here. But please, click on through to the other side and check it out for yourselves. He just might be on to something. He was recently listed #7 on BroadJam‘s regional Top Ten list.


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Appetizer: What is a word that your family uses that would not be considered common?

My mother has a very strange synonym for “sick” that she once used frequently. “What’s the matter, you feeling punk? David won’t be in to school today, he’s feeling a little punk”. Meanwhile, my vice-principal was probably picturing me jumping around to an Exploited record or stabbing Nancy Spungen to death.

Soup: What theme of calendar do you have on your wall this year?

I have a cat & dog calendar, Twisted Whiskers, which features strange digitally altered photos… like a cat with a long neck and the caption “Hold your head high! That way, you can look down on everybody else.” Thanks, Mom.

Salad: Name 3 people you speak with on a daily basis.

My sister, Monster and my imaginary friend: Winkles the incontinent hermit crab.

Main Course: If you could put a new tattoo on someone you know – who would it be, what would the tattoo be of, and where would you put it on them?

It would be a bright bullseye on Carolyn Parrish’s forehead. I don’t know her personally, but I would like to see her brains blown all over a wall, personally. The worst thing about being Canadian is having to explain mindless, vindictive and looney-liberal comments like this to my American friends.

Dessert: What is the last beverage you drank out of a glass bottle?

3 buck chuck” from Trader Joe’s. $36 for a case. Dangerous. And so delicious.

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Roving Correspondent: PCA At The Olympics.

by Dave on August 26, 2004

in

My friend Pete Avgoustits has been in Greece for the past few weeks visiting his parents and attending the Olympics. Since I’ze got nothing tonight, I thought I’d share some snippets from an email he sent me. A LONG ASS email he sent me. So bear with me and give it a read. There’s some amazing tidbits and Pete was even on TV himself a few times:

“Opening Ceremonies were amazing as I’m sure most of you saw them on TV, and because we were inside the stadium, the only thing we didn’t get to see better than you was the fireworks at the end. The place errupted in a standing ovation frenzy a few times, but most memorable was when the Greek President officially welcomed home the Games (returning to their origin). We sat with a lot of Canadians and met a lot of great folks that night. Despite rumours, half the stadium did not get my business card. However ironically, my cousin George & I met the members of the 2008 Beijing Organizing Committee. (already planning our next summer games….who’s in? :>) All in all that night was simply a once in a lifetime opportunity that everyone there will remember. Oh yeah, watching the countries parade their athlete’s in the Greek alphabet was hilarious, I can just image when everyone back home saw Canada spelt with a “K” enter later on. Hey, it is their games after all.

A lot of you have asked about security, so here is my take on it:

We arrived about 4 hours earlier do to the high security surrounding the event. Dubbed by the left leaning media, the NATOlympics, I’m not sure if you guys could tell or not on TV, but I have never seen such a huge security operation in my life. That stadium was the safest place on the planet that night. Nothing and I mean nothing could have penetrated it. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom and had do go through 6 yes 6 diffrent security checkpoints. We couldn’t tell how many, but later confirmed that there where some 4 armed Apache style helicopters hovering above, in addition to the 2 blimps (Zepplins as they call them here) + 2 – F16 Fighter Jets circuling above during the 4 hour event. All venues have been deemed no-fly zones, and on that night, nothing but military aircraft was there. All arterial roads leading into or around the main Olympic complexes, Atheletes Village, or port areas were sealed off and restricted to public transit vehicles (thanks to the bleeding heart environmentalist at the IOC, these games are only accessible by transit or foot and I have a lot to say about that later). Other than the people going to or coming from the event, Athens that night seemed like a ghost town until about 2:00am when security subsided. We started to walk back towards my parents place (we didn’t want to wait for the massive lines using the transit) and I sat down along the road and within 30 seconds or so, a police cruiser showed up and told me to move immediatley, minutes later, a convoy (lead by armed military jeeps) started to escort out the Althetes buses. Despite the massive security, it was very well organized and controlled. All the events we have attended since, have had less security (normal levels) and have been safe.

TV:

Yes, from the dozens of emails, cousin George did sing “Take me out to the ball game” in Greek at the Greek Vs. NED baseball game on CBC and yes, I was also on CBC singing it in English and yes, you saw me walking with the school trip kids from Windsor Ontario waving the flag entering the stadium for the Canada Vs. Greece game. And yes again, I gave an opinion on NBC’s Today show regarding the chances of the US Basketball team before there match up against Greece. Yes also to those who saw my clip on CNN concerning the doping scandles of the 2 Greek athletes that too was me while standing in line to buy tickets. (I had a feeling bringing up memories of Ben Johnson and the 88′ Olympics would get air time).

Transit:

Thank goodness Toronto didn’t win the 2008 Olympics and i’m glad I don’t live in Vancouver. After witnessing first hand here, there is no way Torontonian’s wouldn’t put up with what I dub the “Environmental” Games. Getting around is exhausting, long and in the summer Athens heat very frustrating. The environmentalists have bascially taken over this town and all the locals hate it. This is why the locals haven’t been to enthusiastic to attend the games. Other than the events held at the main Olympic complex which is close to my parents place (there are some 37 different venues in and around Athens) it takes anywhere from 1-3 hrs to go one way to the venues. I gave up on going to the rowing as it would have taken 3+ hrs to get there. (So much for having a car…thats useless here) Not only are they all far apart, but to concerve energy (damn environmentalist again) the subway, buses and trains won’t turn on their AC as it pollutes and uses more energy. The locals have basically all taken holidays, left the city and plan on returning when the games conclude and to some extent, I can’t blame them.

Line Ups:

As you can image, everywhere you go to (sites, transit, venues etc) there are massive line ups. I bought post cards to send out, but I gave up when the clerk told me it was 2 hr wait to buy stamps. Massive lines for buses, trains, stores, museums and even grocery stores to buy water at. Add with the security checkpoints, and constant Athens smog and sun baking you its starts to get frustrating after a while.

Prices:

Expensive to say the least. Not only does our dollar get smashed against the Euro (approx. $1.65 CND for 1 Euro) but with the IOC marketing machine behind it, all prices for the littlest thing, have been inflated. The bottle water prices had to be legistaled before the games, so the stores won’t rip off the tourists. Good thing I had free accomodation. Anything Olympicy was disgustingly expensive and I didn’t buy much to date.

Nightlife:

Heiniken house – Yes, the Official Team Holland HQ has a Heiniken beer tent (Heiniken is the offical beer sponsor of the 2004 Olympics) which is what seems like all the Athletes’ (regardless of country) go to party after their competition is over. Its been the most fun of all the places we went, cause everyone is drunk (0.50 cents for 1 can of beer) and you meet nothing but other folks from all over the world. Think Kitchener’s octoberfest times 1000.

Those who are asking Canada House is nice, but restricted to Canadian citizens only. (Some of the people with me are not Canadians). All you do is have a drink, talk and watch the Olymipcs with other canucks…eh! We did meet alot of the Canadian Olympians, and they are truly our best and I honour their efforts and cheer for them, but i’m sick of hearing how they don’t get any support and had to pay their own way. (If I wanted to go to a fundraising event i’d go to the Republic National Convention not the Olympics) After seeing first hand i’d say there are only a dozen or so countries that have full fledged financial resources behind their althetes. Were does team Iraq’s funding come from?

Politics: (and who said the Olympics were about humanity and sport)

What seems like other than me, the whole world hates US President Bush over here, its hard not to have a political argument here and there. All in good taste, i’m actually getting a kick of how strongly opinionated everyone is about him and his policies. Too bad I didn’t get paid for it cause, I can easily make a full time job out of sitting at coffee shops discussing world affairs with strangers. My dad tells me that if there was an olympic event about political debates, i’d be favoured for the gold medal. :>)

Thats my one and only update from Athens. Hope you’re all doing well and look forward to seeing/talking to most of you when i’m back.

PCA

Peter C. Avgoustis”

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It’s Christmas, New Years Eve and Groundhog Day – all wrapped up in to one in movie-geek land. Yes folks – there’s a new Wes Anderson movie being released on December 1st and it’s called The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. In addition to cast staples Angelica Huston, Bill Murray and Owen Wilson, Wes Anderson’s ever-growing following as a filmmaker has enabled him to land more heavies this time around. Willem DaFoe, Michael Gambon (The new Dumbledore), Cate Blanchett and Jeff Goldblum round out the cast. Anderson alumni Gweneth Paltrow (The Royal Tannenbaums) and Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore) were slated to participate but couldn’t due to scheduling conflicts they vehemently tried to get out of.

The movie was originally entitled simply “The Life Aquatic” – Steve Zissou is the name of Murray’s character – and many people whom have yet to leave their parent’s basement have been left scratching their heads as to why the title was changed. You know that decision wasn’t handed down from the marketing department. Yikes.

Much like Scorcese before him, Anderson likes to work with the same core group of actors over and over again – an ensemble if you will – and they, in turn, line up and change their schedules to work with him. It shows through in the finished product, and Wes has done as much for the careers of Bill Murray and the Wilson brothers (more actually) as they have done for him. His first film, Bottle Rocket, was the first noteable movie Luke and Owen were ever in – the three of them are very old friends.

And let’s face it, Bill Murray was in a bit of a slump before his brilliant turn as Herman Blume in Rushmore. As much as we all loved The Man Who Knew Too Little (sarcasm duly noted, I’m sure) his career has been on the upswing ever since he first locked horns with Max Fischer.

Alright – so I’ll just come out and say it. I’ll be there – as I was for the Tannenbaums – at the first matinee on opening day. I should also come right out and say that it comes as no shock I’m still single. Thank you.

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Amanda Beard Picture – Ass You Like It.

by Dave on August 22, 2004

in

Olympic Amanda, why did you decide to pose for such sexy, semi-nude FHM pics? Not that I’m complaining, but aren’t you afraid some folks will think you’re a soggy aqua-whooore? In this photo, you look like something Captain Kirk would have tried to nail after a few pulls of that bright green lunar liquor. What’s with the futuristic arse-floss?

“I wear a two-piece a lot to train in, and I wedge it right up my butt. We swim like we’re Brazilian swimmers: We have it up our asses. All the girls wear really skimpy two-pieces, and there are a lot of girl swimmers who have really nice bodies. All the time I’m like, ‘Damn, why does she have that body and I don’t?’ We train so much there’s bound to be tons of nice bodies walking around.”

It’s amazing these people get anything done. If I had to train within a mile of the aforementioned skimpy scenario, I’d never be able to leave the pool without a flutterboard held securely in front of my lap. She’s won 4 Oympic lgold medals, she holds the world record in the 200-meter breaststroke, and she likes to wedge things up her butt. And I said no when Pete Avgoustis invited me to Greece.

“We have a lake house up in Washington, where my sisters, my cousins and I were having a bachelorette party. We were having fun, so we were like, ‘Let’s go skinny-dipping.’ So we all swam around in the lake naked. I’ve gone skinny-dipping in lakes, but not too much in the pool. Our pool at the University of Arizona has motion sensors on it, so if you go in at night, it calls the police.”

A swimming pool that calls the police? What will they think of next? Hopefully, a grey spandex bodysuit that calls me whenever Amanda Beard baby powders herself up and then jumps into it. I wonder if she gets competitive when she skinny dips. Like – she breaststrokes to the other side of the lake in 2.5 minutes while her drunk friends are floating around, doggie-paddling near the dock and blaming eachother for the warm spots.

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Cigar-Humidor.net – My New Cigar Humidor Site

by Dave on August 22, 2004

in

Hello all. I’ve just spent my Saturday night building a site about cigar humidors. My boss had the domain name and wasn’t using it – so I figured I’d whip something up and add it to my fledgeling affiliate marketing empire.

I’m mentioning it here on the blog as I want Google to start spidering it and their bots will find it if I link from here. Google seems to love indexing my blog, God bless them. Anyway, be sure to check out the all new Cigar-Humidor.net! And while we’re on the subject, I’d also like the Googlers to index DogGoneKnit and SafetyCondom.

If you’re interested in this sort of thing, please sign up for the newsletter as I will be sending folks any special cigar related deals that I find in my travels. There is also a humor and shopping section that I’ll be building out over the next few days.

And I promise you – someday I’ll actually have a life!

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Appetizer: What does the color pink make you think of?

Oooooh. Dirty quizzlet.

Soup: Name something you have lost but later found.

I have this ring. My mother bought it for my father in Mexico – but he didn’t want it. I have lost it 500 times but I always find it again. One time in high school, my sister got mad at me and hid it in our basement. I found it a year later when we were moving to a new house. In University, I lost it again for the better part of 6 months. But then found it when I was moving out of my dorm (The incomprable Mills Hall) and moved a desk to make sure I hadn’t lost anything behind it. I recently found it in my backpack after assuming I’d lost it at the gym. It’s magical. I’m also a Hobbit.

Salad: In 3 words, describe this past week.

Long. As. F*ck.

Main Course: What are you obsessed with?

We covered this already this week. Trailer Park Boys. And filthy lucre.

Dessert: What kind of perfume or cologne do you like to wear?

Farenheit and Blue Jeans. Mom got them for me at the duty free, eh?

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Paris Hilton, Turds and Tinkerbell.

by Dave on August 18, 2004

in

There is a God in heaven, afterall. And he is a merciful God. Tinkerbell Hilton has been found at last! Chihuahua, author, blogger, thespian – this talented young canine was nearly torn from our collective grasp earlier this week. Quicker and more brutally than she probably snaps up her own poop after a wee squat. “Does baby need go poopie? Mommy like chokey dicky“.

I, for one, am breathing a sigh of relief that would register on a Fujita Scale. Tinkerbell’s upcoming literary debut, The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries : My Life Tailing Paris Hilton, has been likened by critics – who’ve been lucky enough to see the work – to The Bell Jar. Had, of course, Sylvia Plath possessed a penchant for licking her own genetalia, I’d be more apt to believe such hype. But who’s to say? She was a strange broad.

Tinkerbell may very well be about to release a tome worthy of the great American literary canon. And probably a turd twice the size of her head in Paris’ $3,000 handbag. Which is OK – because you can be dammned sure there isn’t a copy of The Bell Jar in there.

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Goodfellas Special Edition DVD

by Dave on August 18, 2004

in Movies

The Goodfellas Special Edition DVD was released yesterday – and I, for one, have been waiting longer than it took Billy Batts to finally die in Henry Hill’s trunk. Here is an interesting article about cast members getting together for a dinner Monday night to mark the occassion. Apparently Ray Liotta hasn’t watched the film since its release 15 years ago!

The first version was widely regarded as one of the worst DVDs ever released for such a high profile film. Nearly as bad as Morris Kessler’s toupee. But the powers that be have redeemed themselves, possibly under threat of kneecapping, and this new Special Edition is a doozy.

Here are some of the highlights:

– Commentary by director Martin Scorsese with cast and crew

– Commentary by ex-gangster Henry Hill and ex-FBI agent Edward McDonald

– New digital sound and picture

– “Getting Made” making-of featurette

– “Made Men” other filmmakers on the influence of GoodFellas

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll be watching it tonight. Likely whilst rubbing myself with voracious fanboy glee and eating ziti. In honor of this special occasion, I thought I’d link my old Goodfellas review for all you eager goombas.

Now go home and get your fucking shinebox

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These Boots Were Made For Balking

by Dave on August 17, 2004

in

During the DNC a couple of weeks ago, I commented on the sloppy and disturbingly blatant display of empty boots that were strewn across the steps of Government Center in an anti-war protest of sorts (empty boots = dead American soldiers, get it?) Now, while I have sworn to keep this blog as bi-partisan as possible, I recently found another article – posted on an admittedly right-leaning site – discussing it in more detail and including a great exchange of dialogue with one of the organizers. If you care, I’d like you to read it.

I am keeping it short and sweet today as my hosting company says my bandwidth is about to run out and they’ll be shutting me down. I have ordered another gigabyte per month but there may be a lapse – so if the site goes down briefly bear with me. I be blogging, biatch.

Another perfect reason to click the Google ads. Click the Google ads folks, I can’t stress this enough. I want you to click the shit out of those Google ads. Help fund your reading pleasure. And help me maintain my creative outlet so I don’t end up in a bell tower with a high-powered bolt-action rifle – anytime soon. Cheers.

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Introducing Graceland North.

by Dave on August 15, 2004

in

My parents are attempting to build a house on 2 acres of land near Portland Ontario. It’s been a long, arduous process which has taken four summers now. Thursday, they finally broke ground with an approved blueprint and the blessings of Parks Canada (or the Lake Nazis as my father calls them) and we were there!

Here are the first shots of our new as-of-yet-unamed house (I’m leaning towards “Graceland North”):

Note the awesome view of the Big Rideau Lake in the left photo, and the trailer in the background on the right. That trailer has been their home since we sold our house in Marlboro in 2000, and I for one am extremely excited to have a house – or even a muddy pit as the case may be. OK. As the case is – back in the family once again.

And let’s talk about my father’s new glasses for a moment. We spent the weekend calling him a mix of Corrado Soprano (left) and Bubbles (right) and he gleefully posed (in character, mind you) for both photos.

Speaking of Bubbles, I now have my little British cousin, Josh – thoroughly addicted to Trailer Park Boys. We watched every episode of seasons 1 & 2. And the outtakes. And the deleted scenes. Then we just stared at the DVD case for a while. I may have an obsession. But there are worse things to be obsessed with. Like clown porn, for example.

A more healthy obsession of mine has got to be garlic. I’ve loved it since I was old enough to say the word, and when our neighbors and longtime friends Steve and Judy (who own a beautiful house just down the road from our bomb crater) suggested we take a trip to the Perth Garlic Festival on Saturday, I was in the car faster than you can say “Sweet mother of God, what is that awful garlicky stink?”

When we paid our $5 and got inside, I noticed an abundance of chip wagons – and knew there must be poutine in the vicinity. Chalk up another new vice for Josh. But it’s hardly surprising since he’s used to English food and I’ve seen him go nuts for boullion cubes. After we “shared” an order (notice him murdering a few forkfulls on the left while Janet makes a strange face in the background) I got my own and kept him at bay with threats of grevious bodily harm. Then, the fever spread and Janet got herself a batch which Josh then proceeded to pilfer. The two of them were lucky enough to get their picture taken with “Clovey”, the festival mascot. It’s good to see Clovey back on the garlic circuit after his well publicized battle with heroin, which I’m not going to retread here.

It was also my parent’s 38th wedding anniversary this past weekend, and Steve and Judy hosted a wonderful Retsina/Port/Merlot/Champagne fueled dinner which was more fun than I’ve had in a while.

After dessert was cleared away, my parents shared conflicting accounts of the night they met. My mother’s version involves a city called “Fruitland“, a sock hop and another man. My father’s spin features cutting someone off in his Plymouth, student nurses and guarding a case of beer with his life. The line that went on to win my mothers’ heart?: “If I give you a beer, will you shut up?” My sister and I agreed – our conceptions were the holiest of miracles.

We wrapped up the trip with a good old-fashioned camp fire for which Janet and Josh went out in search of S’More fixings. Unable to find the traditional graham crackers and Hershey bars, they improvised with chocolate chip cookies and Aeros. I got a cavity just watching them try to slap them together once their marshmallows were roasted. And insanely jealous as well as fatter.

The swimming, the boating, the holiday hijinks – it’s all over for another summer. But I dare not shed a tear, as I know that next summer Graceland North will be in full effect. And I won’t have to worry about sleeping on an outhouse floor to get away from mosquitos. That’s artistic license, of course, as I stayed in a comfy bed at Steve and Judy’s and the closest I came to roughing it was watching 48 Hours in French.

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Rain, Rain Go Away. And Frig Off.

by Dave on August 14, 2004

in

We’re having a great time up here in spite of the weather. Hitting the garlic festival in Perth Ontario this afternoon – and hopefully the sun will be rocking it hardcore by the time we’re back at camp Pye. Boating, jetskiing and swimming wait in the wings. If I still look like I just got out of the ‘hole’ at Alcatraz by the time I’m back in Boston, I’ll be pizzznissed.

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Appetizer: Who is your favorite news anchor/reporter? Why?

Ron Burgundy. Because his apartment has many books and smells of rich mahogany.

Soup: Name 3 foods that are currently in your freezer.

Ice, ice and ice.

Salad: If you were to have the opportunity to name a new town or city, what would you call it?

Brandoville.

Main Course: What will most likely be the next book you read?

Through a Scanner Darkly by Phillip K. Dick.

Dessert

What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite gender?

The caboose, the posterior or the heiny.

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Teen Choice Awards Gone Horribly Wrong.

by Dave on August 12, 2004

in Television

I’m getting ready to ship off to Canada for the next four days, and running around like a marmoset with gastrointestinal distress (feel free to use that one), so I was glad to find two interesting photo submissions when I checked my email this morning. I count on my friends for content when I’m not feeling especially creative – and they always come through. Because they’re all f*cked.

On the left we have the illustrious Mr. Cornett – kicking it, as he does every year, at the Indy 500. Kicking the shakes and hallucinations after Indy weekend – is another story. My own father also has an interesting Indy drinking story, but he’ll kick my ass if I post that here… so I’ll stick to C-Diddy for the moment. Why is this model wearing a wetsuit you ask? You try standing near Chris after he’s had half a 30 pack of Genessee Cream Ale and all will be revealed.

And on the right, a blog favorite – Gazza. The only human being even more narcissistic than myself. Gaz attended the Teen Choice Awards earlier this week, and had a friend snap this photo when a particularly interesting presenter took to the stage. Yes folks, that’s Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre on the screen in the background. I haven’t heard from Gary recently, and I have a sneaking suspicion that in the next Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel, Leatherface’s mask will be sporting a stripper pubic landing strip on it’s chin.

I’ll check in from my parent’s trailer’s 56k dialup (I wish I was kidding. But at least they don’t have an outhouse. Oh wait. Yes they do.) over the weekend sometime in between JetSki runs. Stay real.

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