From the monthly archives:

May 2006

Wednesday Weigh-In #7: Ride The Snake

by Dave on May 31, 2006

in

“The reason I love the sea I cannot explain — it’s physical. When you dive you begin to feel like an angel. It’s a liberation of your weight.” – Jacques-Yves Cousteau

I think we’d all like to liberate ourselves from a little more weight than we managed to this week. Not a banner 7 days for the pork ass challenge. Indy was as kind to DVS as Newport was to me, but our lapses were relatively small, and we still have 4 weeks to go. Whether our strategy is going to be focused weight training and cardio, the index finger or a Jimmy Tango-esque meth binge, one thing is for sure – it’s crunch time, folks.

– Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week – 265 / Target 255 / Gained 3
Smash >> Current: 137 / Last Week – 138 / Target 129 / Lost 1
Pyeman >> Current: 226 / Last Week – 224 / Target 215 / Gained 2
DVS >> Current 248 / Last Week – 246 / Target 210 / Gained 2
Aubz >> Current: 132 / Last Week – 132 /Target 125 / Lost 0
BDoyle >> Current: 184 – / Last Week – 188 / Target 175 / Lost 3
– Sly >> Current: 211 – / Last Week – 213 / Target 175 / Lost 2
Piglet >>> Current: 146 / Last Week – 147 / Target 135 / Lost 1
– Not Lance >>> Current: 166 / Last Week – 168 / Target 161 / Lost 2
Greg >> Current: 179 / Last Week – 183/ Target 170 / Lost 4
– Venditti >> Current: 229 / Last Week – 230 / Target 219 / Lost 1
– Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week – 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

Smash lost a pound, but that may have just been blood – take care of that hand! Exerting himself while moving house has been kind to Doyle. Greg continues to bust ass at the new restaurant so I assume his impressive progress has continued. Venditti’s wonderful Welland wedding is fast approaching, and I’m curious to see if he’ll be taking in his tux. Check back throughout the day to see the new tale of the tape. We’re almost in the home stretch, and this sort of dedication is not easy. Don’t give up, and remember your porky support group is right here.

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Sorry to spring that on you. I suppose it’s as good a subject of discussion as anything else I’ve ever written about on here. I am currently trying to proofread a press release about window blinds, so obviously my mind is bound to wander. I don’t remember high-fiving any hippies during my walk to work, and I definitely didn’t wear this dress shirt to Amherst recently, so why do my hands reek of patchouli? This isn’t a rhetorical question, people. You may explicate.

The only people I shook hands with today were the plumbers who came to replace a zone valve in my building. I think it goes without saying – patchouli is to plumbers what an under-counter carbon filter is to Chris Barron. So the mystery continues. Stay tuned for the weigh-in tomorrow. It’s not going to be pretty.

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Sailing Lacrosse The Waves.

by Dave on May 29, 2006

in

We’re sitting in Newport, after an afternoon on the boat, watching the amazing lacrosse game between UMASS and UVA on TV – The Cinderella story surrounding UMASS’s appearance in the D1 finals has been the talk of the house all weekend. What a great way to spend Memorial Day, although I’d be shaking the hand of a veteran if I had one handy. Anyway, since I found a laptop sitting in the kitchen, I figured I’d send the team some happy thoughts for the second half.

Home now… The lengths to which I devastated my diet is eclipsed only by my sunburn. The gallery is your typical fare – boat, beer, dogs, kids and Kingman. But for the first time in ages I added captions to most of the photos. Just like the old days. Now, get some aloe vera on yourselves and get to bed.

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An Apology To The North End.

by Dave on May 26, 2006

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I made a very bad joke on the blog earlier this week, where I ignorantly referred to one of the sacred relics from the summer Saint’s Feasts as “creepy”. I spent about as much time thinking about the comment as I did typing it, and have found out today that I offended many of my neighbors as a result. My remorse stems from a true admiration of this neighborhood, rather than any stab at self-serving diplomacy. I have lived here seven years for a reason.

I hope that my continued charitable activities in the North End, and my many positive remarks on the site about the neighborhood and the people within it over the years, will attest to where my heart truly stands in regards to it. I also maintain a separate website devoted to the area, which is a labor of love. I have actively worked to maintain good relationships with my neighbors over the years, and frequently go out of my way to meet as many new residents as possible. That is what makes this incident all the more unfortunate and unacceptable.

I do not pretend or assume to be a true North Ender, and for that reason I can never fully understand how my remarks effected those that are. I would like to ask that you excuse me, and have agreed to redesign the NEMPAC website as a gesture of apology and pennance. I had already been asked to help migrate it to a new webserver, but I know for a fact the organization wants to pay to have it re-vamped, and I am offering to do this myself now for the first time – because I truly feel awful and have to try and make things right.

I was raised a Catholic, have many Italian cousins and I am absolutely mortified that I have been responsible for generating so much offense. My Grandmother would surely slap me if she were still with us. It was a terrible comment, and I will regret making it for a very long time. My deepest apologies to you all.

Very sincerely,

– Dave

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Appetizer: How old were you when you got your first credit card?
I was 27, unemployed and fairly desperate. I have been paying off the debt I incurred that year ever since. I will be fully out of the red in about 3 months, and I can’t wait. All the money I currently put towards said debt, that I’m not used to having and have learned to live without, will be invested. That’s why I’ve been making such a push lately to learn more about personal finance. I have a call with my advisor today at 4pm. Evil incarnate is Discover Card sending me, unsolicited, a checkbook tied to the CC account. Talk about a recipie for trouble. I paid my rent with it several times back in those days – I don’t harp on about corporate conspiracy theories much, but these filthy buggers need to be stopped.

Soup: When was the last time you felt out of place?
It doesn’t happen often. A Bell Biv Devoe concert in 1988? Not really.

Salad: Did you have a curfew when you were a teenager?
I can’t really remember. 11:30 seems to ring a bell for some reason, but that was really only freshman year at Lorne Park. My folks were pretty lax on the whole curfew thing, as I didn’t have female genitalia.

Main Course: Name a person from history with whom you have something in common.
The way today is going so far? How does Richard Nixon sound?

Dessert: When you read a newspaper, which section do you go for first?
I don’t read papers anymore. It’s all about the RSS, baby. But if I did, I’d just read it in order. No big whoop. I’m not a paper section skipper. You can all relax.

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Who Wants A GoonBlog T-Shirt?

by Dave on May 25, 2006

in

I love the new GB logo, and I have someone ready to make these shirts at a really low price – but I’m in marketing and I know better than to assume anything. Have a read about our forthcoming and exciting limited edition hockey t-shirts, and leave a comment on GB if you’d be interested in buying one for the low-low price of only $10. There’s next to no profit margin after shipping, and I just want to get a first run funded and off the presses. Is there a market? Is there a demand? Let us know.

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Pretending To Be Pixies

by Dave on May 24, 2006

in Musical

Ryan sent me this. It’s so entertaining. If you’re a Pixies fan, you absolutely have to click through and check it out. Some guy named Matthew – with a love of the band that makes Mark David Chapman nervous – and coupled with an intimate knowledge of Pro Tools, has re-recorded a long list of Pixies songs in the guise of alternate famous bands/singers. And I can’t even pick a favorite, they’re all so eerily accurate. Prince, Jimi Hendrix, BeeGees, Sinatra, Brian Wilson… Here is the pentultimate list on another site, as Matthew’s MySpace page doesn’t have a complete list or downloadable versions.

Re-reading that paragrah, it’s really quite exceptionally confusing. Just trust me and check it out. And how a grown man can make himself sound so much like Tina Turner while singing my favorite Pixies song is enough to make me shudder/masturbate.

I’ll come clean – my favorite is Elvis doing #13 Baby.

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The pork is flying fast and furious this week, as… maybe fast is a bad word. It’s 8pm and I haven’t posted today’s results yet. Rest assured, things are so ridiculous at work I’m considering becoming a shepherd, so don’t take it personally, you fat frigs – technically it’s still Wednesday. And as much as I’d love this site to degenerate into a series of infrequent posts about how I rarely have time to blog – because that would surely be spellbinding – we must press on, piggies.

Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week – 265 / Target 255 / Gained 3
Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week – 138 / Target 129 / Lost 0
Pyeman >> Current: 224 / Last Week – 224 / Target 215 / Lost 0
DVS >> Current 244 / Last Week – 246 / Target 210 / Lost 2
Aubz >> Current: 132 / Last Week – 133 /Target 125 / Lost 1
BDoyle >> Current: 187 – / Last Week – 188 / Target 175 / Lost 1
Sly >> Current: 211 – / Last Week – 213 / Target 175 / Lost 2
Piglet >>> Current: 147 / Last Week – 145 / Target 135 / Gained 2
Not Lance >>> Current: 166 / Last Week – 168 / Target 161 / Lost 2
– Greg >> Current: 183 / Last Week – 187 / Target 170 / Lost 4
– Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week – 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
– Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week – 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

So we’re at the halfway point. I’ve plateaued again, despite some pretty agressive and unhealthy tactics. I think that’s the problem, as we’ve established frequent smaller meals jack up the metabolism and avoid loss lulls. There is no way I will ever lost 14 pounds in the next 5 weeks, short of bird flu, so I have changed my target weight to 215. I haven’t weighed 215 since I got back from England in 1998, so that’s pretty acceptable come to think of it. I’m 6″4, afterall.

As it’s the halfway point, I think a graph or some other sort of visual representation is in order – so get your results in tonight and over Thursday and I’ll whip something together. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m fucking starving.

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A Long Way From Sunnyvale.

by Dave on May 23, 2006

in Television

Has anyone else noticed that the evil girl (Ellen Page) in the new movie Hard Candy is Treena Lahey from Trailer Park Boys? Remember in Seasons one and two Mr. Lahey had a daughter living with him who wasn’t allowed to hang out with Ricky? Just me? OK. Well regardless, that’s her. I liked this movie a lot better when it was called Poison Ivy/The Crush but good for Ellen! She’s also in X3. Another Canuck on the foreward invasion force.

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Careening Off The Bleeding Edge.

by Dave on May 22, 2006

in

Do y’all get curious on those rare occasions where I talk about or let you in for a glimpse of what I do for a living? It’s rare, and for good reason – I have other blogs where I talk about SEO, and far too few hours in the day to prattle on about it incessantly. This is where I come to make the hooker jokes. Anyhew, in the next few days you’ll see me linking out to lots of strange things, and I just want you to know there’s a method to the madness.

More and more of my friends and neighbors are taking their businesses online, or going to work for companies with significant web presences. I’m going to save everyone a lot of money – because nobody wants to pay for this shit anyway. Here’s how you improve your Google rankings: Get sites to link to yours using your target market’s top search keywords. If I hypothetically had a client who sold Red Sox Tickets, for example – I would want to facilitate as many links as I could to their site which also read Red Sox Tickets. Your ultimate success depends on your budget (people won’t link to you for free, and reciprocal links cancel eachother out since the last big algorithm update) your patience and the competition. It’s bleeding edge stuff. Guerilla marketing. And surprisingly, not all that fun in the long run. You have little control over the results ultimately, and we all know how clients like those pesky “results”.

So forgive me over the next week or so if I drift into conversations about office coffee. Look the other way if I begin sweating whilst extrapolating about precision gauges or Amnisure. I’m not pregnant or studying to be an airplane mechanic. I’m just working here.

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The bird flu task force on the lookout for bird flu in Bucharest were startled when an APB came through for a “crazy guy with bird flu”. It was quickly determined to be a false alarm, as the dispatcher had apparently fallen victim to bird flu.

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Brunelli’s Standup Video.

by Dave on May 21, 2006

in

Mark’s brother Dave videotaped the show I wrote about Thursday night, and they’ve posted it on YouTube. Just press play!

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Shh, quizzlet. Daddy’s busy.

Appetizer: What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
I had the band repaired on an old Roots watch about 15 minutes ago. I found it while cleaning my room this week and dropped it off today while having lunch at the Sidebar. I found some of the damndest other things, too – photos I’d forgotten about, my dayplanner from University, home movies,  etc.

Soup: If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
I’d invest the first thousand in a mutual fund, and give the other thousand to the Animal Rescue League of Boston.

Salad: What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
I’ve already beaten this one to death, Falco.

Main Course: You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Kitties and puppies. Alternately, if it were a shit pet store that only sells fish and crickets, crickets.

Dessert: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I’m a solid 7. I walk about 25 miles a week, and go to the gym in my office building, too.

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Please, Brunelli – Don’t Hurt ‘Em!

by Dave on May 19, 2006

in

If I had the nads to take a stab at stand-up myself, I certainly wouldn’t want to do it in a packed house of hilljacks in Haverhill my first time out of the gate. I saw more victims of the S & L crisis last night than you’d probably find at a demolition derby. In spite of the pressure, the hostility and the overabundance of men who resembled the 50-year-old cousins of Dalton, I am beyond happy to report that Brunelli fucking KILLED.



When we got to Garibaldi’s – a musty-smelling, long and narrow social club with one ill-equipped bartender, the place was empty and I could tell Mark was just as nervous as all hell. About 5 of us had packed into V’s car and made the hour-long trek after work, so we quickly ponied up to the bar for some relaxers. As we chatted amongst ourselves, Mark helped set up the stage with the rest of his classmates and the place slowly started to fill up with more extras from Roadhouse. And I mean fill the frig up. By the time the first comedian hit the stage, it was standing room only. I even think I briefly saw Jeff Healey carrying Bud Lite up from the basement – although he started loading the bottles into the back of an amplifier.

Mark was the second student, and fourth comedian to go on. Throughout the first three acts, even the professionals, the crowd in the back by the bar would not shut up, and it was hard to hear anything. After Brukkake got up and told a couple of jokes – the place fell silent, and with the exception of a couple bits – including the poop joke I think we all tried to persuede him to drop – he had the ratty clientele of the Double Deuce in the palm of his hand. The most popular bit – I am paraphrasing:

“My girlfriend is great, and as relationships are all about compromise I try to make it a two-way street whenever I can. So when she told me recently she wished we could be more open to experiencing other cultures, I immediately drove to Chinatown and picked up two Brazilian whooores for us to have a gangbang with (many laughs). Then, she said she’d always wanted to go to Mexico. So again, I compromised, and took her to Lawrence.”

Frankly, I couldn’t believe it. Brunelli might have a future at this sort of thing. You can’t learn charisma or stage presence – you have it or you don’t. He gots it.

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Humor In Haverhill. No, Really.

by Dave on May 18, 2006

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Brukkake, after recently taking a short course on the artform, has his stand up comedy debut tonight at a club in Haverill. As Mark and I have had many stand-up adventures together – The last episode taping of Tough Crowd, Mr. Show at the Orpheum, Brian Regan and Colin Quinn shows at the Comedy Connection – I’m going to be there in full support. I only wish I had the balls to do it myself!

I’ll be bringing my camera and taking some photos so those of you who know him can have a look at this milestone/trainwreck for yourselves. My ride awaits – I really must put some pants on and get up to Hanover Street to his girlfriend’s, although that’s usually what I do right before I leave there. YOWSERS – feel free to use that one tonight, buddy. Break a fucking leg!

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