From the monthly archives:

October 2006

Appetizer: Create a new candle scent.
Since I’m officially bringing ‘frigging’ back this week – frigging. You light the candle, wait five minutes and then someone walks into the room and goes “It smells like sex in here.” It’s kind of like Kramer’s beach cologne idea – only it smells more like latex or your armpit in the morning.

Soup: Name one way you show affection to others.
This so cries out for a dirty joke, which is why I won’t make one. It’s easy – reliability. Do what you say you’re going to do, and don’t make the goddamn “I was so busy” excuse. When I drop the ball on a friend, I always feel terrible – which is why it doesn’t happen often.

Salad: What is your favorite writing instrument?
A keyboard. My hands haven’t written with pens regularly in so long that they start to cramp immediately whenever I try to take notes, sign something, etc. I guess it could also be arthritis or maybe even rigormorits. Strange things happen on Halloween afterall. Jesus Christ – you think the rough patch is over and then you find out you’re undead.

Main Course: You’re given $25 to spend online, from which site would you buy?
Amazon, baby. I can get at least 3 cheap, forgotten, fairly cool DVDs for $25. My DVD shelf has grown to massive proportions, almost to the ceiling. I think there are 6 rows now. Everytime I want to watch something, it’s like a giant game of Jenga. They teeter, you see.

Dessert: Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you going to be?
Halloween parties are traditionally on Saturday the 28th of October or thereabouts. This Saturday, I will be at a wedding in Welland, Ontario – and I’ll be dressed as a wedding guest. So yes. I’ll be dressed up, and it will be Halloween. And I’ll be guesting while dressy. And dressed.

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4 years and many, many thousands of dollars later – I am officially out of debt. Evil incarnate was Discover Card issuing checkbooks to out of work 20-somethings after the dot com bubble burst. Rent? No problem. $1,000 to go to Phoenix for a wedding? No problem. 80% interest rate? Wait, excuse me. I didn’t realize “Discover” was actually a Russian last name, and since when are your offices located in a Southie dockyard? Wicked.

It’s a happy day. Time for pizza and cokes at the Pushcart, then tomorrow I am off to Toronto for Venditti’s wedding. I will attempt to squeeze a quizzlet in tomorrow, but new projects (seo blog) and a crazy workplace are eating up a lot of my bloggy time. But I shall return. I always do.

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Indiana Jones And The Cult Of Ray.

by Dave on October 24, 2006

in Musical

The only supposed pop culture happening more tenuous than whether or not there is going to be an Indiana Jones 4, is whether or not there will be a new Pixies record. The only person who cares about both simultaneously, who isn’t wearing Spock ears in their parent’s basement while feeding crickets to a tarantula, is me. So I was very excited when Nate sent me this today. It’s not logical that you won’t come get your dinner, Charlotte. There’s a good girl.

“Since we got back together we’ve played almost everywhere we can,” explained Black to the NME website. “I know we like playing and everyone likes touring together, so to keep doing that and not record anything is kind of like being a county fair band. We don’t want to do that, so the only thing we can do is become a vital band again. So it’s just a matter of doing it, I guess.”

And the timing couldn’t be better, as I’m off to see Frank Black at Axis this very evening. Oh what a wondrous time to be a music/movie nerd. A copy of Bossanova and a bullwhip, and I’m gonna be just fine.

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Leave Sexy Right Where It Frigging Is.

by Dave on October 23, 2006

in Musical

Where has “sexy” been that so many people seem intent now on bringing it back? All praise be to Justin Timberlake for bestowing this special gift upon all of us. Just Google it and click a few pages deep. It’s frightening. How many times have you heard it said now by TV presenters? How many of your MySpace friends have it as their profile tag line (probably shouldn’t have said that one out loud)? How many times have you seen it used clumsily in newspaper headlines? “Missing Teen’s Parents Doubt She’s Coming SexyBack.”

“The saying “bringing SexyBack” has become somewhat of a catchphrase since the song came out. It was heavily used at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards. Al Gore, for example, said he wouldn’t have come to the VMA’s at first but then he heard that “Justin Timberlake is bringing SexyBack”. Lil Kim and Jared Leto also said they were “bringing SexyBack” during the show. Also, while hyping his debut on ECW, professional wrestler Shannon Moore made a reference to the song when he quoted “I’m the Prince of Punk and I’m bringing SexyBack!”

Many other artists could have benefitted from this innovative strategy. Aerosmith could have been SexyBack in the Saddle. The Hoodoo Gurus could have sung I Want You SexyBack. ACDC might have been SexyBack in Black. Frank Black could have gone SexyBack to Rome. Paula Abdul and that silly looking cat could have gone “… one step forward and two steps sexyback”. I mean, it’s almost tragic that this wasn’t thought of 10 years ago. I’m so clever and sarcastic, eh?

So I’d officially like to do my part in bringing sexyback. Back to the exchange counter at HMV.

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Monday’s Quotelet: Jolly Old Taint Lick.

by Dave on October 23, 2006

in


“Santa needs our help this year, Pico. Remember- you eat the milk and cookies, not your own crap. You leave presents under the tree. Not your own crap.”

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How Sweet It Was. Bitch.

by Dave on October 19, 2006

in Reminiscent

I have touched upon how much I think new rap sucks before. I have also asked myself the question “Am I just old now?” Perhaps I’m just following a cycle, the way my Grandmother must have looked down her nose at my mother’s Elvis ’45 collection. The odd modern rap song (I like Clipse a lot) will turn my head, but en masse – compared to how much I loved it circa 86 to 94 – it’s just awful. Look at my car, check out this tacky spinning crap rim I tacked on to my wheel, Look at my diamond plated necklace which also looks like the wheel of my car, look at the ass on this girl, listen to the blippedy beep I made on a synthesizer in 2 minutes.” Ya feel me?

I am not saying that these themes haven’t been prevalent since the days of the Treacherous Three. I’m implying it’s all anybody bloody talks about now. Sure there are the Talib Kwelis and the like who opt for message – but they are few, far between and rarely on the charts anywhere. And by old school, I am not referring to pre-1988 but all the way up to the mid-nineties. The golden-age of rap occured, for me, about the summer of 92 and then dropped off sharply when Biggie died. You can almost trace it back to the month.

My thoughts are on this today because I watched the VH1 Hip Hop Legends Awards on Sunday night and thoroughly enjoyed the shiznit out of it. The way it works, is 6 seminal rappers are picked to join the legend ranks. Then, after a “Story of…” video is played on the big screen, a medley of that artists’ songs is performed by current rappers, often with the honored artist themself joining in at the end. It was really well done – Beastie Boys songs were performed by Q-Tip, Fabolous and Diddy before they joined in at the end. Rakim was honored and performed as did MC Lyte, Ice Cube and Wu Tang. Segments were punctuated by great old songs by EPMD, Das Efx and the like. It made me wonder what the phunk happened.

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GoonBlog: The Podcast. Episode #2.

by Dave on October 18, 2006

in

Recorded last Saturday, and now live for your special time hockey podcast fun jamboree enjoyment, is Episode #2 of GoonBlog: The Podcast. You’ll hear the dulcet tones of the Tragically Hip – our new theme music – as I get better with the editing equipment. Prick your ears up in sheer wonder as it fades in and out among various other sound effects and clips. You’ll hear the first ever GBTP gay joke. You’ll hear us give an impressionable 15-yr-old fan, who emailed us, the encouragement he’ll need to start more fights in his high school league. I think it’s all wonderful progress, and Detroit Velvet and myself hope you’ll enjoy it.

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What’s Best For Everybody.

by Dave on October 17, 2006

in

There are very wacky things going on at the moment that I can’t talk about. So please excuse my sporradic presence. Everything will work itself out as life tends to do. Although right now it feels more akin to Jeff Goldblum’s chaos theory from Jurassic Park than any sort of cosmic karma. Or that part where musses his shoe near a stegasaurus and proclaims “That is one big pile of shit”.

I have said before that if I has to start my blog all over again, I would have done it anonymously. This silly site has gotten me threatened, exiled, slandered and discredited. It has also made me many friends, brought me some positive notoriety and even led to romance on more than one occasion. None of the best stories I can tell, however, because again I decided to name the damn thing after… me. At least I have an extremely common last name.

If I had an anonymous site, and could eliminate my inner censor and self-imposed kill switch altogether, I honestly believe it would lead to serious trouble. The only way to avoid trouble in this life is to keep your mouth shut. Completely. Even a prolific blabberer like me knows that by age 32. Everything always gets back to the last person you want it to, wrapped in a pink bow with your name on it. So perhaps sticking my neck out with my real identity was always the best thing.

Yeah, I fuckin’ said it. Look at the domain name, stupid. And don’t hit me in the face.

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Monday’s Quotelet: Trunk Of Funk.

by Dave on October 16, 2006

in


Elephants officially joined the Indonesian endangered list this week, which isn’t exactly bad news for all the babies they’ve been eating.

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To celebrate P-Cip, Sean and my’s foray into Canadian media fame, see the Trailer Park Boys have American Fans article from yesterday, I thought I’d look for a musical clip related to the show. The first thing I found is a funny scene from the new movie where Tragically Hip’s lead singer, Gord Downie, makes a cameo as a cop. Ricky, who is famous in the TV series for tricking cops to get out of trouble, convinces them that Julian is deaf. The other cop, who asks “Where are you coming from?” is Alex Lifeson, the lead guitarist from RUSH:

Then I found a clip from the beginning of my all-time favorite episode, Who’s the Microphone Assassin, where J-Roc and the Roc Pile shoot a low-budget video for the song of the same name. “The day that J-Roc loses his flow is the day that hair on Jim Lahey’s bald head grow…

Later in the same episode, the boys have a rap concert. But J-Roc has stage fright due to having been caught masturbating (I couldn’t make this stuff up) so other members of the gang have to fill in. Cory, Trevor and then finally Bubbles get up on stage to bust some rhymes. “Mad MC skills leave ya struck, and I roll with my kitties and I’m hard as fuck!”

And finally, J-Roc gets talked into performing, and the ditty he performs about his mom catching him wanking is undeniably catchy. Ask anyone who has seen this episode – you’ll be chanting “It could happen to you, cause it happened to me…” for a few days afterwards.

If you’re uninitiated, I’ve just given you an easy way to take a peek at this ridiculous phenomenon. Hit the play button on any of the videos to see the clips. I swear this is almost the last of it. Since I’m now an official authority, I have to act accordingly.

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The Media And Me.

by Dave on October 10, 2006

in Television

The Pye In The Face Press Desk has been ablaze all day. First, Goonblog gets mentioned on MSNBC. Obviously, I thought it would end there. I didn’t go on a tri-county shooting spree or anything. Maybe Chris did – I should ask. Then, a nice woman emails me from the Canadian Press and asks if I’d like to do an interview about American Trailer Park Boys fans. She Googled PITF and obviously found an obsessive number of references. I am inching closer and closer to winning the ultimate object of my desire. My muse. My filthy fantasy dirty-time woman. You guessed it – Liz Walker.

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Turkey. A Holiday From Workey.

by Dave on October 9, 2006

in Consumables

The Boston Financial District is like a ghost town today. There wasn’t a bomb scare or a New Kids reunion at the Tweeter Center – it’s Columbus Day. It’s also Canadian Thanksgiving – so I may be one of the few people on this continent who was asked to come to the office on this fine Monday. I got a text message this morning from a colleague “Are we really working today?” I shrugged and slid towards my desk through the post-Haymarket slime trails without trying to think too hard about it.

I left my iPod at home by accident, so I eventually had to form cognitive thoughts during my enviable 10 minute walking commute to stay awake. What makes a holiday optional, exactly? And is Columbus Day just about the famous explorer, or is there something more to it? I decided to investigate.

“Italian-Americans feel pride in the day due to the fact that Christopher Columbus, an Italian sailor, sailed to the Americas. Other Americans are embittered by this victory for Columbus because of the ensuing genocide of Native Americans after Columbus’ arrival.” I knew of this paradox already. Although if it hadn’t been old Chris, it would have been Portugal, Spain, France or England doing the intrusive manifesting of the destinies. So let me head off the next on-campus protest – I say let the parade continue, unless you’re prepared to move your white behind back to the Caucus Mountains and stop using electricity.

“In the state of Minnesota, Columbus Day is not celebrated, because many people in Minnesota believe that Vikings arrived in North America before Columbus.” It certainly would stink to have to change the name on all of your NFL merchandise, at any rate. And I firmly believe that there is no better mascot for a professional sports team than drunken, womanizing, bearded maniacs with horned helmets. Plus, the “Minnesota Flava-Flaves” isn’t nearly as catchy.

All this controversy has left me wishing I was in Ontario f’ing up a turkey right now. Hey JV, save me some stuffing. I’ll be there in 2 weeks. A bridesmaid would be nice, too.

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Sigourney withdrew from the fishing protest when she realized she’d misunderstood what the pamphlet meant by “Save the Newts”.

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Trailer Park Boys: The Movie is set to become the top-grossing Canadian film of all time. And if that doesn’t happen, it will at least eclipse the current canon of FUBAR, Porky’s and Strange Brew as the most internationally accessible piece of Canadian celluloid out there. With Ivan Reitman (you may have heard of Ghostbusters) producing, Clatterburg’s motley crew of guttersnipes is poised for an accompanying distribution deal of the 7 seasons of hilarious TV shows. They are currently talking to three major networks – including Showtime. The stipulation so far has been that it has to be sold somewhere on cable so they don’t have to edit out all the swearing, which is why many feel it didn’t fare better on BBC America 2 years ago. Bleeps just aren’t as funny as creative lines like: “Knock knock, Who’s there? Fuck off“, obviously.


The soundtrack they’ve put together is impressive, and should make a mint all by itself. And, like on the TV show, Canadian musician cameos are in full-effect. “two already avowed Trailer Park fans, Rush’s Alex Lifeson and the Tragically Hip’s Gord Downie — unrecognizable beneath cheesy moustaches — as a couple of gung-ho cops.” That is definitely worth the price of a ticket right there. I will post reviews as I find them over the weekend. Things are looking good so far, and don’t think there aren’t critics in Canada who’d love to see this movie fail. These reviews will be fair.

Toronto Star: *** – There is even time for a little character development — actual, almost heartwarming romance, even.

Ottawa Citizen: *** – The dignity is the surprise in Trailer Park Boys … most of the time. Julian is the large man who carries a constant glass of rum-and-Coke, even when he goes to the bar (“I brought this from home,” he explains).

Globe and Mail: ** 1/2 – Where it works, brilliantly on occasion, is at the edges (the best lines arrive as tossed-off asides) and in the performances of a cast who have lived with these characters long enough to capture them intimately, and to convey their strange blend of weirdness and familiarity.

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Who Departed?

by Dave on October 4, 2006

in Movies

I have been looking for an opportunity to remark upon how much I am truly looking forward to finally getting to see The Departed this weekend. Eager for early insider movie-nerd reviews (I’d only ever be able to pen an outsider movie-nerd review,) I found this. Holy South Boston scumbags, Batman.

“I usually only get dirty when I hate a movie so much, it makes me mad enough to do so. This is not the case with the latest Martin Scorsese masterwork The Departed. Oh no. Holy motherfucking shit, this movie rocks 18 different sizes and shapes of balls. Balls were rocked so hard, in fact, I think certain areas of the taint may have been injured. I walked out of this movie stumbling from exhaustion and with an awesome sense of uncertainty. How was I going to do this film justice in a review? Maybe I just did.”

Well done Marty. I can’t wait.

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