From the monthly archives:

April 2007

Dave, We Hardly Knew Ye.

by Dave on April 23, 2007

in Heartwarming

Many, many emphatic thanks to everyone who came to my send off bender at Kennedy’s on Saturday night. The show of support and love really had a positive effect on my sister and I, and will make these next tricky months a lot easier. I couldn’t be more sincere. Highlights included:

  • A genuine pink Red Sox thong from Tony B.
  • A surprise appearance by Moynihan who flew from fucking SWEDEN to be with us.
  • Two philanthropic Harkins brothers and one lovely Heather who allowed us to give out free drink tickets to all the guests.
  • Janet’s brainchild – the photo album – which was passed around and signed by all.
  • The largest assembly of BrainGEM veterans in 5 years.
  • More hugs and kisses than I will probably get for the rest of my life.

Let’s wrap this love-fest up. It’s time to get packing, cracking and plow through the next seven days. See the photo gallery here, and you all have a place to stay in Toronto forever.


Excuses And More Fucking Excuses.

by Dave on April 18, 2007

in Pye in the Face

As anyone in the know knows – I am gearing up for a big, and technically international, move. I am attempting to build a department at work, hand off building management duties and financials to the owners, finish taxes, organize satellite internet access to remote wilderness locations, have a tooth replaced, sort personal accounting, get a new laptop and – oh yeah – blah dee frickin’ blah. will be back – and better than ever when the dust settles in a couple of weeks. A redesign and move to a different backend will follow shortly after. I look forward to documenting my new adventures in Canada, and will not disappoint. Also, if you’re not already on the Evite for the going away party Saturday night, and feel like you should be, spare yourself the wee dejected sniffle – and just email me for details.

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Ring A Ding Ding, Baby.

by Dave on April 13, 2007

in Reminiscent

Back in 2003 I was in the grips of a pretty severe Rat Pack fascination. Anyone who has ever been to my apartment can attest to that. Dino, Joey, Peter, Sammy and Frank still look down at you from every wall. At the time I worked as an editor and was responsible for writing up user-submitted IT bloopers into longer, readable articles. I always tried to inject a little humor into the proceedings, and I got a little carried away at times. Here is my favorite, which I stumbled upon today while looking for old copywriting examples to show to potential clients.

Discretion, and a love of breathing without a respirator, prevents us from mentioning the name of this fine establishment. But when our Clyde’s contract was cancelled the following day, you can bet he didn’t hang around to catch any shows. Better to miss Goulet at the Trump Marina — than to wake up at the bottom of one.

It’s way over the top in terms of what that site was used to, but my boss liked it, threw it up, and it’s still there four years later. Made me laugh today, see what you think.


Sneezes Of The Cats.

by Dave on April 11, 2007

in Animalistic

I took Boss to the vet last Thursday to update his papers for a smooth border crossing at the end of the month. He got a rabies shot in the haunch, and some pink distemper liquid right up his snout. He shook it off pretty quickly and that was the end of it. The vet said he’d probably sneeze a bit for the rest of the day, but he didn’t. I figured that was the end of it.

He’s been sneezing non stop since Monday night. At first it was funny. He’d look off into space as the sneeze came on, open his mouth a little bit and then snap his head forward with a loud “PPHHFFFFT!” But the novelty has passed, and I’m getting worried. I have narrowed it down to two possible causes:

1. He is reacting to the fact we’ve started opening our windows. Something that is floating in on the wind is getting to him. Pollen? The new daschund puppy who moved in across the way? I don’t know.

2. He is a reincarnation of one of the many women who have Heismanned me over the years, and is now claiming she can’t visit anymore because she’s allergic to… herself.

Oh come on, Boss. If it makes you so uncomfortable that I keep the pattern for a human skin suit tacked to my bedroom wall, then just say so. Don’t use the goddamn cat hair excuse again.


Smack dab in the middle of some tactical reverse psychology on a six-year-old yesterday, I was reminded of a poem I loved when I too was a wee’un. It’s by Dennis Lee, and I swear I still knew almost all of it – even 25 years later.

When they bring me a plate
Full of stuff that I hate
Like spinach and turnips and guck.
I sit very straight
and I look at the plate
and I quietly say to it: “Yuck!”

Little kids bawl,
cause I used to be small
and throw it all over the tray.
But now I am three
and much more like me
so I “Yuck!” ’til they take it away.

But sometimes my Dad
gets terrifically mad
and he says, “Don’t you drink from that cup!”
But he can’t say it right,
cause he’s not very bright.
So I trick him and drink it all up.

Then he gets up and roars
and he stomps on the floor
and he hollers, “I warn you, don’t eat!”
He counts up to ten
and I trick him again,
and I practically finish my meat.

Then I start on the guck,
and my Daddy goes, “Yuck!”
and scrunches his eyes ’til they hurt.
So I shovel it in
and he grins a big grin
and then we all have dessert!

Granted, she ‘accidentally ‘dropped and smashed it shortly after I was finished my masterpiece. So the joke may have been on me. Happy Easter, regardless!


Top 10 Ways to Save the NHL

by Dave on April 5, 2007

in ,Sporty

Killer wrote a great article over on GoonBlog today. If you’re fed up with the new NHL rules, migrate over and have a gander. It’s insightful and hilarious. Here’s a wee taste:

1. Eliminate the Instigator rule: The players hate it, the fans hate it and it just plain does not make sense. Let the men police themselves. If two willing combatants have an issue with each other they can settle things the right way; one-on-one! If some wing ding wants to fly around the ice taking liberties, he will quickly be approached and dealt with accordingly. Paul Mara had two Instigator penalties this season… yeah you read that correctly – Paul Fuckin’ Mara! During one of his final games with the B’s before being traded to the Rangers, he was about to get into a scrap when the ref reminded him he had 2 and one more would get him suspended. The puss bag who he wanted to go with kept goading him fully knowing Paul couldn’t do anything.

2. Suspend hit from behind offenders: There has been WAY too many of these infractions this past season. Forget giving them a 2 minute penalty, toss their ass out of the game and suspend them. I know there will be a gray area and all that but getting blasted from behind is just about the worst thing – unless of course you are My Better Half who seems to enjoy it.

Wow. Read the full post here.


I have been laughing at this video all day. It also just so happens to have an original song as the soundtrack – so technically it can pass for Wadio this week. It’s only a minute long. It’s also wicked feckin’ retaaarded.

I feel for Charles’ owner, because Boss also has a severe licking problem. I wish I didn’t taste like salt. But I don’t know what Charles’ deal is. His hypothalamus? At any rate, put the damn thing out of its misery. Extra points if this isn’t stuck in your head all damn day.

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Trailer Park Boys: Season Fucking 7.

by Dave on April 3, 2007

in Television

While most of us are running around filled with glee at the imminent start of the Sopranos’ final 6 episodes, let us not forget that April also marks the start of a new season in Sunnyvale. Season 7 begins with “I Fuckin’ Miss Corey and Trevor” and premieres this Sunday night at 9pm:

“The Trailer Park Boys are back for their 7th season. Cross border dope smuggling, model train hobbyists and Sebastian Bach, ex-frontman of Skid Row collide in these 10 hilarious new episodes.

It sounds like the boys will have a few run-ins with Americans in this new foray. After a little digging, I found some spoilers. They boys will be selling meat in the LC parking lot to make money. Lahey switches from Liquor to dope. Apparently there’s several new animals in the park, including Sheryl the Crow and some raccoons. Ricky discussing the new influx of critters: “… but I got fuckin’ insects now coming to my trailer, frogs and fuckin these things that look like cats but they got this long beaky nose things , they’re all attracted to my dope …

As for #7 supposedly being the Sunnyvale’s last hurrah, Rob Wells (Ricky) recently said: “It’s still up in the air,” he said. “We’d love to keep going. A couple of people are a little tired and burnt out and need a break.” It’s no secret who Wells is referring too. Corey and Trevor are apparently completely absent from this series because the actors who play them didn’t want to participate. Which I’m sure they’ll regret in a few years when they’re both living off bar appearances. “We’re definitely up for keeping going, if everyone else is.” In the new series it’s apparently reported that Corey and Trevor have been committed to a mental institution because of all the abuse at the hands of Ricky and Julian over the years.

If you live in Canada, you can watch the entire first episode as of yesterday on Showcase’s website. If you live in the states, like me, it’s blocked. Bugger. But never fear my Yank friends, about an hour after the show airs on Sunday it will be available for download via a torrent right here. If you can’t wait, here’s a poor quality torrent rip of the webstream that is blocked in the USA. Now frig off.


Hillary reacts as an aide tells her exactly who is ahead of her in the polls: a unicorn, the Yeti and one of those hairy trolls you put on the end of a pencil.