From the monthly archives:

April 2009

They are Not Quarry. They are Family

by Dave on April 30, 2009

in Animalistic

Just caught myself saying this to the dogs after they bumrushed Boss the cat for no apparent reason:

“Please leave the kitties alone. They are not quarry. They are family.”

So now, not only am I talking to the dogs as if they were humans on a way too regular basis – I’m speaking to them as if they were learned English thespians. Perhaps soon they’ll start lifting their pinkie toe-fingers whenever they lap from their water dish.

Needless to say at this point, I’m very much looking forward to the human company that the May 16th Bonnie Pye memorial brings with it. Tally ho.

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I Ride Anything I Get

by Dave on April 29, 2009

in Viral

An Irish friend sent this video to Monster last night and he sent it to me. It floored me like a car bomb, I was laughing so hard. The kind you drink. Basically it’s just a scummy drunken Irish couple arguing in the street, but the unmistakable Emerald Isle dialogue is absolutely brilliant. Warning – drunk Irish people swear. Sometimes both creatively and profusely:

“Why do you like ridin’ hippos?!”
“He’s foookin’ good lookin’ fer a knacker!”
“It went all the way up my gaol and it’s foookin’ big!”

Somewhere, Brendan Behan is beaming with pride.

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In an attempt to better utilize my new Apple-flavored device for work-related tasks, I am attempting to transfer my email universe completely out of Outlook and into Gmail/Calendar. Last night I installed Remember the Milk on the phone and also added plugins for it to Gmail and GCalendar. This quad-fecta should conceivably connect my task list, calendar, email addresses, phone numbers, email accounts and all in a mobile-friendly manner.

juggleThere is, however, a problem. I’ve been using Outlook for over a decade and I’m having a really hard time envisioning GMail ever having the fanatical level of organization that I’m used to and require – lest I lose the plot, tear off my shirt and go sit at the end of my dock for the rest of the business day.

There are no folders. Filters can replace Outlook rules, but there are no folders to sort mail into. I don’t like the way the conversation threads have the most recent emails at the bottom of the page. Having all 7 of my frequently used email accounts aggregated into GMail should be convenient – but I don’t like having it all bundled together on the same screen – even with GMail’s “labels” attached to each separate account. Am I doomed to return to Microsoft’s diabolical fold? I’ve attempted similar transformations in the past.

Here’s what I’d like. Nay – what I’d love. Share your systems. We all have one. Especially if you use GMail. Share your personal processes and workflows here in the comments and list any online or application based tools you depend on to get the job done. How does everything talk to each other? Phone syncs? IMAP? POP? Let’s get it all out on the table. I’ll get the ball rolling with some specific items to address:

  1. What do you use for email?
  2. How do you manage your contact list?
  3. To what extent is your mobile device part of your workflow?
  4. What do you use for a calendar?
  5. Have you modified any of the above with plugins or addons?

Take it from there, if you dare. You’ll feel better, I’ll blatantly steal your best ideas and we may all learn something useful in the process. You make me want to be a more productive man.

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iPhone: My First Week as a Proud Owner

by Dave on April 28, 2009

in Nerdery

Apple, how I loathe thee, let me count the ways. It’s been exactly seven days since I traveled to Kingston, bit the bullet and bought an iPhone. As a long time PC guy and legacy Blackberry fan it was a tough decision but admittedly – I in no way regret it. What a wonderful little piece of gadgety goodness. Here are some of my initial thoughts after a week of use.

General iPhone Observations

  • I’ll start with my very favorite feature – voicemail. With my Blackberry and every other cell phone I’ve ever owned I hated having to call in, enter a password and then listen to 17 voicemails on Sunday morning which went something like “Hi, this is Skip. But you probably know that cause my name will be in your call log. Anyway, just wanted to call you and see what you were up to. Call me back, but it’s in no way important and I shouldn’t have even left this stupid, redundant message. Bye.” On the iPhone voicemail callers are presented in a list as buttons, and you can listen to delete them in any order without having to enter a password! There is also a “speaker” button at the top right of the voicemail screen which allows you to listen to said messages without even having to put the phone up to your ear. I love this!
  • The call quality and volume is always top-notch, and I’ve yet to drop a signal or ask someone to repeat themselves. But then again, Mushmouth doesn’t call me anymore.
  • I bought an accompanying headset which is great for the car, never getting laid again and lying on the couch without the strength or motivation to sit up and grab your phone. It synchs seamlessly with the iPhone as soon as you switch it on and you can answer calls by tapping the top of it. It’s also very subtle so I’m not going to look like a complete iTard. Operative word there being “complete”.
  • It’s nice to have a camera on my phone again and I look forward to using it with Facebook and TwitPic to share my silly adventures. I’m hoping to find a WordPress plugin that can auto-post to the blog as well. There’s no flash and it only works well in bright areas but I can live with that.
  • The UI is terrific, with nothing but a touch screen and solitary button to worry about. The screen keypad takes some getting used to, but after a week my speed and accuracy has improved dramatically. I do, however, type in landscape mode whenever possible.
  • Email is definitely decent with the ability to separate different POP accounts into multiple inboxes. Currently I’m running everything into GMail and then over to the phone using IMAP to save on data transfer costs. I have yet to come up with the ideal workflow for the email, but I’m getting there. I am seriously considering abandoning Outlook altogether and using Google Mail, Calendar and their respective Remember the Milk plugins for all business processes. This is a scary jump to make but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s the way to go.

iPhone Application Ruminations

  • Landscape is an app which allows you to write emails and texts using the landscape keyboard layout. This is excellent for fat-fingered behemoths like myself who cry themselves to sleep with a melted dollop of Ben & Jerry’s on their chest every night, pining for their Blackberrys.
  • Smacktalk consists of nothing else but a series of animals (guinea pig, terrier, kitten, chihuaua) who repeat whatever you say to them in a high pitched voice. When I visited my father at the hospital last week he laughed his head off, which is rare. This one is obviously going to be huge with children and dementia patients.
  • Dad’s favorite app, however, was definitely Galaga – where the classic 80’s arcade game is recreated on the phone with startling accuracy, right down to the soundtrack. I hope to see a lot of other old games brought back to life in this way. May I suggest Spy Hunter?
  • VoiceNote is another app I’ve used a lot over the last week. When I think of something that needs to be done and I don’t have one of my trusty notebooks in front of me I simply open it up and record the note to be captured somewhere later. Simple, but great for disciples of GTD such as myself.
  • Facebook kind of goes without saying, as does the Tweetie app. Good integration with these popular websites/enormous wastes of time.
  • Fex pulls all my friend’s profile photos out of Facebook and assigns them automatically to corresponding names in my iPhone address book. Not entirely necessary, but very neat!
  • Chordmaster shows you the fingering for any guitar chord you can imagine and also plays an example when you strum the screen. You can also use it to properly tune your mighty rock axe.
  • The Google app lets me check email, calendar, RSS feeds, documents and every other major tool that they offer under a Google account. It tends to be so slow that I don’t use it much, but hey – I live in the damn woods. Maybe this one will get more use in civilization.

Those are the applications I’ve installed and used so far. I would love to hear about your favorites. No doubt there are several hundred I haven’t gotten to yet. If you have any iPhone app recommendations please leave them in the comments. Jesus, I love technology. It’s an amazing time to be alive.

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Janet and I have created a website for our Mom which we’d like to share with all of you: www.BonniePye.com.

If you would like more information on the memorial service we are hosting at our house next month, please visit the “Memorial” tab. We have included directions, local accommodation information and absolutely everyone is welcome.

We encourage you all to leave your own thoughts or memories of Bonnie on the “Add a Memory” page.

If you would like to contribute photos of Bonnie to the “Gallery” section, please scan and email them to dave (at) davepye.com.

Thanks very much for all of the support, calls and letter we received during the last two months. Mom was graced with some incredible friends. Hope to see some of you Saturday, May 16th!

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Since I wrote my January piece on the first single, Jetstream, the Doves’ latest album, Kingdom of Rust, has enjoyed a long and glorious reign on my car stereo. I’ve had a huge soft spot for the band since their inception in the mid-nineties, and unlike many of their “Brit Pop” contemporaries they’ve managed both a longevity and musical evolution that has surprised many critics and fans. I doubt they’ll ever be able to write another song as special to me as 2002’s There Goes the Fear that’s not a bad thing because I doubt any band ever will (it’s my favorite song, evah). But I got’s to tell you – House of Mirrors comes pretty gosh darn close. Have a listen…

“If you don’t move to this song I would suggest seeing a doctor right away.” – YouTube Comment

Although KOR is their 4th album in 9 years, it’s been 48 long months since Some Cities and I have wondered more than once if it might be Doves‘ final output. I finally got to see them in Boston on that tour and watching them close with ‘Fear‘ mere feet from the stage was a crowning moment in my extensive concert-going history. Here are some photos from the evening which took place in 2005 at Avalon (now House of Blues) on Landsdowne Street. My worries were, thank goodness, unfounded as the boys from Manchester have quietly returned to surprise us all.

Vagrant-stomping drums, a Spectoresque wall of sound, rockabilly guitar riffs and a chorus that makes me want to roll down my windows at a red light in a busy intersection and embarass myself. How’s that for a testimonial? In skimming reviews of the record as a whole last night I discovered quite a few others.

“House Of Mirrors effortlessly puts one over on the Last Of The Shadow Puppets’ 60s throwbacks with a crashing burst of Ennio Morricone-influenced fingersnaps and Goodwin bellowing like Scott Walker over the top – it’s one of the finest songs they’ve ever recorded.” – MusicOMH.com

“House Of Mirrors shatters along like some unearthed gem from Joe Meek’s record box.” – BBC

Doves-band-manchester

D’ya like our new beards, geezer?”

“… the more euphoric the music gets; the more miserable everyone in the songs becomes. “Home feels like a place I’ve never been,” protests Goodwin as a preposterously uplifting psychedelic soul stomp called House of Mirrors achieves vertical takeoff.” – Guardian

“Perhaps this restlessness is indicative of certain frustration on Doves’ part in seeing their efforts eclipsed by less imaginative, more mawkish Britpop bands, and in turn, a desire to distance themselves from the sad-sack pack; it’s hard to imagine the likes of Elbow turning in something quite as fierce and paranoid as “House of Mirrors”, a fuzz-soaked stomper punctuated by jarring, bump-in-the-night sound effects.” – Pitchfork

See? I told you it was good. I told ya! Placing these quotes in my own personal testament isn’t as much an effort to back up my own opinion – which I was tremendously confident in the very first time I heard the tune while zipping along the Mass Pike – as they are a desire to point out the way in which the fickle industry is welcoming the band back with open arms. This is a very difficult feat to accomplish (ask Travis, for example), and restores my faith in music being able to get along on its merits alone. For the record, I thought the last Travis record was really good, Pitchfork. You guys vivisected it.

Although there is no shortage of stand-out tracks on Kingdom Of Rust – ‘Winter Hill’ and ‘Birds Flying Backwards’ in particular – House of Mirrors is the one that really grabbed me by the short and curlies. You can grab the record by clicking the album cover above or even just the one song when you get there. This is one to own, kids.

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Meet Owen and Max Harkins!

by Dave on April 22, 2009

in Heartwarming

As I eluded in Sunday’s post, at 5 a.m. on that magical morning the world became a better place because Max and Owen Harkins entered it. A big congratulations to Susan, Matt and their families. Of which I am glad to be a peripheral member.

owen-harkins
Meet Baby Owen. We’re now officially only about 40 years from a sequel to Throw Mama from the Train.

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boston-marathon
Kara Goucher gave the term “sore loser” new meaning at the Boston Marathon today after spin-kicking Dire Tune of Ethiopia in the temple.

Come on folks! Submit your own captions in the comments.

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12 Reasons Today is a Good Day

by Dave on April 19, 2009

in Heartwarming

1. One of my best friends in the world and his lovely lady had two healthy, baby twin boys this morning at 5:30. Susan and Matt – I love you, send pictures, I vote for “Owen”.

2. I made amends with an important person whom I was a fool to ever fall out with, and it feels terrific.

3. I just raked the lawn in a t-shirt.

4. Last night Boston kicked sweet hell out of Montreal. I entered my friend’s house wearing one of my Bruins t-shirts and was told at the door “You’re going to get your ass kicked wearing that in here.” To which I responded, “What the hell are this group of bumpkins going to do, bite my ankles?”

5. Today was the first time I stopped to pick up my mail and there wasn’t a single sympathy card.

6. I joined the Portland Historical Society and presented my website ideas to some of the board members Friday – which were received extremely enthusiastically. Yesterday one of them, an 82-year-old man named John, came over to the house to drop off photos of the 1985 sea plane crash he was in for me to scan. He rescued his son and another man and then had his house destroyed by a tornado 4 days later. You can’t make this shit up. Why is that a good thing? I just love living here and am meeting lots of amazing people.

7. Last night the same group of aforementioned bumpkins came over to my house after the game and the new basement has officially been christened by a proper Pye Party.

8. I just burned Hotel for Dogs, which Griffin assures me is an awesome movie, and I’m actually really excited to watch it tonight because there’s a Boston Terrier in a lead role.

9. I’m getting an iPhone tomorrow, because Rogers isn’t going to carry the Storm (jerks), and I always nerd out dramatically over new toys.

10. This time next week I’ll have over 400 satellite channels. That’s all I can say on that particular matter.

11. A guy I’ve only met twice at the bar looked up my number, called and asked me to join his Wednesday night beer league softball team. I have until Wednesday to give him an answer, but I already know it’s going to be a resounding “yes”. In a show of perfect timing, I was batting tennis balls for the dogs to chase a few days ago and I nailed one all the way over my neighbor’s hedge – so my confidence level is high.

12. I’m about to go burn scrap wood and trash . I simply loves me some fire.

This all begs the question – what the hell is happening to me? It took a while for the whole loss of Bonnie and Gord thing to properly sink in, but now I feel like some sort of switch has been flipped in my head. I feel thirty-five for the first time – and it’s OK. That’s right – My name is Dave, and I’m thirty-five.

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Here Comes the Gravy

by Dave on April 12, 2009

in Appalling

Couldn’t have been happier with this news today. Go frig yourself, you arrogant son of a bitch. And much respect to Jian Ghomeshi for his calm handling of the situation. For the interview in question please see the video…

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Last week’s user-submitted quizzlet was a lot of fun, no? Shall we do it again? I’m about to send out Facebook and Twitter requests for questions and I will add to this post as they come in. Please leave your questions in the blog comments. Update: Sweet Jesus. Stop before I end up on a government list.

Appetizer: If you could berate a pro sports athlete at a match, etc. who would it be? – Gary P.

I’ve never been a fan of his, but after last Saturday’s Bruins vs. Islanders match – “The Pest”, Sean Avery. Click the link if you’ve yet to see him thwap the back of Bruins’ goalie Tim Thomas’ head with his stick starting a donnybrook which hardly helped New York’s situation. There is hockey goonery, which I fully encourage, and then there’s hockey douchebaggery. I’d like to take a Gatorade bucket and dump it over his head. In the middle of a rink after a game that would be awfully chilly! Not to mention it would be filled with carbolic acid.

Soup: How are you and Spud getting along now that you’ve inherited him? – Anneliese R.

Surprisingly well, thank you. You were here the day he bit my face and scarred the frig out of it two summers ago. Whether I deserved it or not, there are two types of cats: ones that bite to wound and ones that bite to warn. Spud is of a third type which bites to maim. Anyhew, not only are we getting along but he sleeps in my bed, follows me around the house, sits with me, purrs constantly – it’s amazing. I guess he knows where his mouse is buttered now.

Salad: How many dogs can one man own? – Kent H.

Three. I didn’t even have to think about it. There are several factors to consider in regards to how many canines one household can sustain, but only one of them is worth discussing – it’s what I like to call the “creature to lawn landmine threshold ratio”. It looks something like this:

Number of dogs x 2 poops each a day / lawn acreage = C.L.L.R.

Currently I’m maxxed out. I have my stainless steel dustpan on a pole, my little doo-doo rake and I’m constantly hovering over the grass looking for dead soldiers as it is. If another dog were to be added to the mix I’d be buried in a mountain of recycled Eukanuba by Labor Day.

nero-eric-bana

Main Course: Thanks to a relatively new area of science called String Theory, physicists and cosmologists are on the cusp of unifying Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity (the theory of the very big) with quantum theory (the theory of the very small). If their calculations prove true, it will mean that our universe sits within a sea of parallel universes that existed long before The Big Bang. Could you give me your take on the implications of parallel universes and pre-Big Bang physics? What does this stuff mean for mankind? – Mark B.

My head just started throbbing. The answer to your questions, however, are obvious. The implications of a parallel universe were well documented in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and I’m not going to jump through hoops for you and rehash it all here. What does it mean for mankind? Well – we’re fucked, basically. Especially after Nero warps in on May 8th.

Dessert: If you had to cut off one of your fingers from each hand, which ones would you pick? – Staci D.

You can’t live without your thumb. Watch the Pope of Greenwich Village for more detail on that point. Your index finger enables you to pick your nose, point and poke. The middle finger – enough said. And the pinkie is just way too adorable. Reminds me of my mother telling me nursery rhymes about pigs. The third finger, however, doesn’t even have a nickname. So lop those suckers off on both hands. If for no other reason than I can look like I’m throwing the goat, 24/7.

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Introducing Pixie Pye!

by Dave on April 9, 2009

in Animalistic

Back in February, when Mom was particularly bad, Shep’s breeder graciously offered to take care of him for a few days. When I returned to pick him up Megan mentioned to me that Pixie, who was Shepherd 1.0‘s mother, had to have an emergency spay after her most recent litter was delivered and as a result would be put up for adoption should I be interested. I had always adored Pixie – she was the first Boston Terrier I ever really met in my life – so the wheels started turning.

A bit of background – you may recall that the first litter Janet and I were supposed to get our puppies from, parented by Pixie and Oscar, died of the equivalent of canine SIDS. The impending existence of an “accidental” litter became apparent to the breeder a few days later, parented by Cricket and Oscar this time, and Megan called to let me know Janet and I would have first choice of those puplets when the time came. Hence we went on to become fanatical Boston Terrier people. Just call me Rose McGowan.

The bottom line is that Shep is an incredible pain in the butt when the two of us are up here alone and his sister is with my sister in Boston. He sits beside my office chair and whines all darn day. When Rhuby is here, however, they keep each other amused to no end. This was the basis on which I made the decision to adopt Pixie last week – and I picked her up Monday night right after I got back from Beantown. The breeder told me that she was “elated” that I wanted the dog because three other families she interviewed with didn’t work out. Whether the people sucked, or I’ve just adopted Satan spawn, remains to be seen.

IMG 0849
“What did you just say about my new brother?”

She’s small for a Boston Terrier with a muscular little frame that shoots around the house at breakneck speeds. She’s not too fond of the cats as of yet and frequently corners them before barking in their faces until I come and drag her away. She snores like a sailor and makes little grunting sounds constantly which may cause some to mistake her for a pot-bellied pig – but I assure you it’s beyond cute. Snoring will begin literally 20 seconds after she puts her head down, so let me change my previous comparison to “drunken” sailor.

Two days before I picked her up she was in a scrap with another of the breeder’s dogs, “Dancey” who managed to tear a big hunk out of her left brow. I’ve been doing my best to keep it clean and closed which is why you’ll see a band aid in some of her pictures. I am now of the opinion that Crazy Glue should be a feature of every first aid kit.

So far so good. I love the little monster, and the fact that she’s named after my favorite band made the decision that much easier. Destiny turned on the Terrier, perhaps. Stay tuned for more silly puppy photos and videos featuring my new muse – Pixie Pye! Click for the full gallery.

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stan-rogers-songwriterIf you don’t know who Stan Rogers was, that’s OK – he’s been dead since 1983 (went back to pull other passengers out of a burning plane even after he himself had escaped) and never permeated the American mass music market the way many other Canadian bands have. And by “Canadian bands” I of course mean the Bare Naked Ladies. If you’d like to learn more about this remarkable musician please visit the Wadio post I did on Stan Rogers a year and a half ago.

There’s currently a petition to have Rogers awarded a posthumous star on Canada’s Walk of Fame – and I think that’s a damn good idea. I’ve loved his saltwater-soaked sea tales since my father first played them for me as a child. In fact, modern bands like the Decemberists must surely count him as an influence.

Barrett’s Privateers – You have to watch this!

They need at least 5,000 signatures by noon eastern time on April 30th and currently have less than 2,000, apparently. The person leading the Stan Rogers charge, and who created the Facebook group I belong to wrote me only this morning. A for effort, my friend:

“Please sign so that when I meet with the Walk’s selection committee on April 30th I can show Stan Rogers was truly admired.”

It’s really hard to believe this is even in contention or being discussed. The man is a national treasure and definitely should have been in line for a star before Brendan Fraser (2006) or Celine Dion (1999). I signed the petition a few months ago and it takes seconds. If you’re a Stan fan then please take 2 minutes today and add your name to the petition. For the love of Trebek.

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Deers gettin' drunkie“Sure, ladies – we serve your kind here. Just as long as this doesn’t turn into an antler-fest.”

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The site from which I used to spelunk my quizzlet questions each Friday has unfortunately gone the way of the Dodo. I’m quite happy to make the questions up myself – but that seems pretty disingenuous. I’d also like to reboot the sense of community we had here on Pye in the Face in years past and encourage reader participation. See where I’m going with this?

Using my Facebook status and Twitter account I’m going to invite all of you to submit the 5 questions which normally make up Friday’s Quizzlet. If folks care enough to get involved maybe I’ll be able to do this every week. I’d also like to invite people to answer the questions themselves in the comments like so many of you used to do in PITF’s golden era. Monday I’ll also be reinstating the Quotelet contest – with real prizes this time around. Sound fun? I’m certainly looking forward to it. Update: Thanks for all the submissions, folks. Here we go.

Appetizer: It’s a common observation that people’s pets resemble them in some way. What are 3 similarities between you and your pet? – Amy K.

1. Shepherd is loyal to a fault. You could say that, however, about every dog that has ever lived. “Want me to follow you into traffic? OK!” Although my “gut feelings” are usually quite dependable there have been a few times in my life where I spent time and energy on fixing people – when I should have been taking out the garbage. Or walking into traffic.

2. Shepherd digs his sister. Janet and I have been very close (since we stopped living together at our parent’s) and we both value each other’s support. For obvious reasons this has become especially important recently and also explains how my 5-day business trip to Boston has turned into over 3 weeks at this point. I’m reminded of Belushi’s SNL skit, “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”. But she swears she isn’t. We’ll see what she thinks in another 3 weeks.

3. Shepherd is fascinated by deer poo. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, people.

Soup: Has anyone ever really cared when Jimmy cracked corn? – Megan C.

Yes – it’s quite possible that over the years at least a few people have cared. I’m assuming that to “crack” corn is to husk it and thought up some possible examples.

  • His hungry corn-fed family.
  • A cow, pig or other farm animal who was also quite hungry. If he’s crackin’ corn on a regular basis, he probably lives on a farm. Or needs a hobby.
  • Any major theater chain you wish to choose. Kernels don’t grow on trees, they grow on corn stalks. And getting at the kernels first requires you to crack those motherfuckers.
  • Native American dry colored corn artists. Without Jimmy they’d have far less time to create breathtaking art.

So next time you want to hate on Jimmy the corn cracker, Megan, try showing a little compassion instead. Cornpassion, even.

Salad: What’s your favorite Bonnie memory? Sorry that’s personal but I’d like to hear it. – Mary C-B.

It’s obviously impossible to pick just one. There was an amusing recent occurrence, however, which happened up at the lake house about 3 summers ago. I bugged and bugged my mother to get on the back of a jetski with me, which she was absolutely dead set against. After taking a couple of test runs back and forth across her line of vision, I came back to the dock in one piece and finally coerced her to climb on. She got out of her lawn chair which was set up on the dock beside Gordo and several neighbors and they cheered her on as she straddled the evil, motorized sea beast.

The voyage started out well-enough, with Mom giggling and mock-screaming as she held on to my waist for dear life. Then it all went horribly wrong. Anyone with jetski experience will hammer home one piece of advice to a newbie – never decelerate in a turn. I did just that, right in full view of the dock spectators, and Bonnie and I rolled arse-over-tit beneath the waves in a split second. I climbed back on my steed but Mom had had quite enough and dog-paddled all the way back to shore as we both endured comments from the peanut gallery (well, I got a lot more shit than she did). I tied up at the dock myself about 20 minutes later. As I passed by my father he beckoned for me to lean down before whispering in my ear: “Thanks a lot, asshole. Now she’ll never let me get one.”

Main Course: Which crime would you make punishable by death, and how would the guilty be executed? – Gary P.

Child abuse. Particularly that of a diddly nature. Most states will already execute you for killing a child. Ruining the rest of their life via mental scarring will only get you a comparably short jail sentence followed by a “This Guy is a Diddler” sign on your front lawn. I’ll need more time to devise the ideal method of diddler dispatch, but I can tell you that it will definitely be slow, will definitely be painful and will definitely involve… diddling.

Dessert: Why hasn’t Will Smith insisted on starring in films with better storylines? – Angie F.

I have to assume here that you’re speaking specifically about the two cowboys fighting the giant robotic spider in 1880’s California? If you’re not, you should be. At least you get to see Bai Ling’s buttocks in that pile of garbage, which on second thought isn’t much of an incentive. Seven Pounds put me to sleep quicker that a mallet to the temple, but I think recently his choices have been quite sound. I really enjoyed I Am Legend, Pursuit of Happyness and Hancock. Your theory about Will’s bad choices may come back into fashion, however, as I see his next movie in production is entitled Monster Hunter. I’d like to go on record as saying I hope that movie involves at least one Sasquatch pursuit.

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