Chris Brown is Talented. At Beating Up Women

by Dave on March 22, 2011

in Appalling,Musical

Preface: I’m not as mad at Chris Brown for beating the living daylights out of Rhianna as I am because he’s acting like it was no big deal and should be forgiven simply because 2 entire years have passed. That is a long time when you think about it. Maybe she was attacked by a Pterodactyl.


Chris Brown is sorta-talented, in a “Michael Jackson’s corpse isn’t even cold yet” kinda way. I’d give credit if credit were due – his recent SNL performances made me long for Sinead O’Connor’s pope-tearing technique. There’s a big talent pool out there and he’s no big whoop. It must suck when you lay low for a couple of years and no one even notices. Although I’m sure his P.O. was proud of him.

pterodactyl_fncarHe’s also in possession of the humility of a peacock and definitely in serious denial as to the seriousness of the physical attack he launched on Rhianna. He’s not ducking half-assed domestic violence accusations from an unknown forlorn lover who hasn’t got the pictures to prove it. He beat one of the biggest stars in the world like she was a red-headed step child. A red-headed stepchild who’d just set fire to his Michael Jackson CD collection. His little episode at the Good Morning America studios today speaks volumes about Brown’s weak, narcissistic character and I absolutely cannot believe how well his album is selling (Currently #1 in iTunes). How soon we forget, people…

Exhibit A: Some randomly selected tweets from this evening:


Leave him alone? Who are we to judge? I’ll answer those questions with a question: What fucking planet are you kids on? I was speechless even before I realized that the vast majority of Tweets in support of Brown come from women – albeit young ones. And let’s not overlook the other above gem, “…that bitch provoked a lot of what happened.” That statement scares the heck out of me. Future of America, do you need a wee refresher?:


This isn’t even the worst of the photos, but I’m sure you’ve all seen them. Actually, after my little sojourn on Twitter tonight – I’m not sure at all. What the fuck is going on right now?

mitch-green-eyeIn my younger days I was jumped, kicked and beaten unconscious by a bunch of jerks at a party (in the interests of full disclosure, I might have knocked out their “leader” first) – and I looked better than Rhianna did after her final car ride with Brown. Remember when Mike Tyson punched Mitch Green, bare-knuckled, back in 1988? Ever see that picture? The damage to the man’s face is so bad it’s almost revolting – but it still seems like nothing when compared to Brown’s inflictions. By the way, that’s Mitch Green on the left. Not me. It’s OK. I get that a lot.

You’d think Brown’s record label would have a veritable army of publicists and temper coaches following this juvenile clown around. They mustn’t, however, because I’m sure that “frightening female staffers to the point they call security, ripping off one’s shirt and then smashing a dressing room window sending huge shards to the sidewalk below” probably aren’t featured tactics in the arsenal of many PR firms who have a client they’re trying to make the public at large forget is a merciless woman-beater [takes a deep breath]. I wish the youth of America had a memory as long as that sentence. At least I can take a little solace in this guy:


There are two types of men in this world, Chris. Those who hit women and those who don’t. You’ll likely be haunted by this to some degree for the rest of your life. You screwed up, big time, and showed the irrationally forgiving world what you’re capable of. I hope ABC bans you from their building after your little hissy fit today and cancels your scheduled appearance on DWTS next week. If the tantrums continue may many other networks/shows do the same. Resume the low-laying at your nearest possible convenience.

You have one hope… one option if you’re ever to be taken seriously again or redeemed in the eyes of anyone old enough to vote. And that is to simply answer people’s questions and accept responsibility for what you did for as long as it takes popular culture to let you off the hook (and apparently many already have). Someone else will batter the teeth out of their unfortunate girlfriend’s superstar face and the media will forget all about you. In the meantime, show a little humility. At the very least leave your shirt on, Bruce Banner.

What a strange story and stranger world we live in. Do you agree with my reluctance to simply forget about the violent actions of this this hugely influential role model? Or are you on Team Brown? Believe me when I say – I’d love to hear you explain why he should be forgiven so quickly and in spite of the fact he shows no signs of changing his violent, hair-trigger ways. Fascinated. Fire away. Just don’t hit any girls while you’re at it.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Detroit Velvet Smooth from Moncton March 23, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I am not sure I know a Chris Brown song, so I can’t speak to his talent (or apparent lack thereof) as an artist, but as a fan of fighting in hockey, I can say I have seen enforcers get in scraps that didn’t look as bad as Rhianna does in that picture. He is a gutless coward, and should be beaten to death in front of his parents on Christmas Day.

Dave March 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Picture an out-of-costume Michael Jackson impersonator singing autotuned over something that sounds like an Ace of Base B-side – and you’re there.

Taz March 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Can’t disagree with any of this, Dave, and I have absolutely no idea about why this prick’s ‘music’ appeals to anyone but profoundly deaf people and retards, however, you do tacitly advocate the ritual leathering of ‘red-headed step-children’. Life’s tough enough when you’re a freckly ‘ginga’ and you’re parents have split-up and moved on so getting a clip round the lugholes from random strangers you could do without surely?

Detroit Velvet Smooth from Moncton March 23, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Dave, That sounds awful. Like, the worst ever awful.

Potency July 11, 2011 at 8:13 am

Too true Dave. If the man really did display some humility, perhaps one can slowly come to a place of near-forgiveness. Some remorse from Mr. Brown might inspire some grace… but afraid not – he’s far too full of himself to give a rat’s rear about the pain he inflicted or the consequences thereof.

Let him suffer. (like you say – it will haunt him for the rest of his life)

Leave a Comment