Liquor and Whores: The Video.

"Once I get some liquor into me, I get up and I sing this one."



I have been looking for an excuse to try and embed a movie in one of the blog entries. And obviously - I've found a doozy.

Help Me. Help Me, Help You, Help Me.

I recently ordered a load of 'finance for the handicapped' books from Amazon as I am in an attempt to shake off Tink's pixie dust and move out of Neverland. I also got one from my doctor about bettering one's own health and downloaded the 7 Habits of Highly Effective people which I've listened to in its entirety now and also re-read The Wealthy Barber. I was speaking with a friend yesterday who was quick to point out I'm going nuts with the self help books. Like it was a bad thing.

How do y'all feel about this sort of thing? I don't see anything wrong with wanting to educate/better one's self, and it's not like I'm talking to the HR people at Heaven's Gate or anything. I couldn't balance a piggybank at the moment, and the only thing I've ever aggressively invested in is liquor, which granted has a pretty quick return turnaround time if we're talking about Southern Comfort.

My desktop Media PC TV breaking down has ultimately been a blessing in surprise, although I am paying a couple of college students to come over tomorrow morning to try to fix it. God bless CraigsList. Anyhew, I've had loads more time to read now that I can't Tivo Sanford and Son reruns, and I'm going to keep the trend going. I'm interested primarily in business management, finance and personal sanity. What read should be next on my list?

Un Autre Crowning Achievement.

My new crown popped off a few months back while I was working in the office on a Saturday night. A truly amazing thing happened to me that evening when I stopped in for a drink on my way home. I can't get into the details, but in the interests of setting the stage - let me just say "I can die now". And no, I didn't go home with Shirley Hemphill. Which is good because among other reasons she'd been dead for 7 years by that time. I'll never forget that night, is my point.

So when that same pesky tooth cap popped off again yesterday, as I absent-mindedly tore into a Sour Patch Kid, I was initially obviously very upset. But then I remembered my previous good fortune and wondered - was there a tie in? Would the tooth fairy return, and was she still going to be as generous? The short answer is "no". All I got out of the deal was an emergency trip to Newbury Dental this morning and an hour's less sleep. But I think I learned a larger lesson, so perhaps the true value of crownfest #2 has yet to be revealed.

Whether it was the 7th consecutive day of Blade Runner weather, the obnoxious ponces in the Back Bay or my violent aversion to all things homeless - one thing is becoming clearer and clearer. It's probably time for me to leave Boston. When my lease is up in September, that may be it for this chapter of my life. It's a good thing. A change is as good as a rest - and I feel like I've been on a HabiTrail treadmill for a good year now. If I were a puddle of rain water, I'd be full of bacteria and SeaMonkeys. If I were a tourist in Florida, I'd have one round behind the ear and my head against the steering wheel. If I were a shark, I'd be a floater. I'll stop.

I really think the semi-infamous wanderlust of my early 20's has returned. And I think I like it.

RSShake What Your Momma Gave Ya.

First off, right out of the gate, a tremendous thank you to whichever internet ne'er do well took the time needed to put this lovely Shakira montage together. Sincerely. That trunk is full. Put the luggage in the back seat with Grandma.

Next, a few kind words about RSS Bandit. You're reading my blog, so you probably read a few others. Did you know you can also have your news, stock quotes, movie reviews, gossip, weather and just about every other form of data under the sun delivered via RSS feeds? Download the Bandit - for those of you who are RSS amateurs, or get laid regularly, the greatest feature is the application's ability to take any URL you give it and then hunt for an RSS feed. Sometimes they can be hard to find. So you just tell it to add a new subscrition, type in the basic site name, and if there's a feed there it will find it. You can keep your feeds organized in a left hand column similar to IE favorites, and I absolutely love it - and I had tried many aggregators before settling on this one.

Now that I've come off like a huge nerd today, let me wrap up by chatting about my weight like a woman for a few lines. I mean, we've already established that I'm going to die alone. When you lose weight, even a little when you have a small fluxuation range like I do, your wardrobe suddenly doubles. I am back into 36s and am steadily dropping weight like a hot air balloon headed for a forest fire. If I see another fucking apple I'm going to shriek, but it's a nice feeling and I missed these pants. Welcome back Perry Ellis.

The Terrible T-Shirt Dilemma.

Here's the thing. Go over to GoonBlog and look at our cool new logo which I paid to have someone do properly. DVS and I, in the name of goodwill and free publicity, planned to have the logo printed on the front of a T-shirt (and a funny saying like "Shit Disturber" or "Drop the Gloves" on the back) and to then give them away to friends and people who frequent our site. I even had an apparent hook-up with a local company. But we're running into challenges, the least of which is our collective addiction to Slapshot and booze.

To screen the 4 color logo is cost prohibitive - we're looking at many hundreds of dollars at even friendly prices. And a one-color screen on one side of a shirt is too simple and blah. We may have to settle for that, but we're not ready to roll over and give in yet. For things other than bum sex, anyway. Cafepress or Zazzle would be easy, but we're talking about heat-transfers at that point, and even then they come in at a $14-25 cost- per-shirt and we could never expect to sell them and definitely not give them away for free.

My question is simply this - does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? There has got to be a better solution. T-shirts cost $2 for flip's sake. We've put men on the moon, we can manufacture a logo'd shirt for less than $20. Any guidance is appreciated. You'll get a shirt out of the deal. But honestly, probably bum sex if DVS has his way.

Wednesday Weigh-In #4: Ham-Handed Heifers

It's that time again, bountiful boys and girls. We're down to 7 participants from the original 15. Some opted out and some disappeared like the first 2 little pigs. The herd has been culled - only the serious pork-assers remain. 8 weeks and many pounds left to go - so let's look at this week's bad news.



- Monster >> Current: 265 / Last Week - 268 / Target 255 / Lost 3
- Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week - 138.5 / Target 129 / Lost .5
- Pyeman >> Current: 226 / Last Week - 227 / Target 210 / Lost 1
- DVS >> Current 246 / Last Week - 248 / Target 210 / Lost 2
- Aubz >> Current: 134 / Last Week - 134 /Target 125 / Lost 0
- BDoyle >> Current: 188 - / Last Week - 187 / Target 175 / Gained 1
- Piglet >>> Current: 145 / Last Week - 147 / Target 135 / Lost 2.5
- Not Lance >>> Current: 171 / Last Week - 171 / Target 161 / Lost 0
- Greg >> Current: 187 / Last Week - 195 / Target 170 / Lost 8
- Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week - 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week - 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

DVS is making steady progress, as is Smash and I am back on track after two heavy weekends. Not Lance is a seemingly serious new addition. Hang in there, piglets - we're getting there. I am finding this easier and easier as my stomach shrinks and Red Cross humanitarian aid packages drop through my ceiling. Pretty soon Angelina will adopt me and I'll finally be heir to the Pitt millions. This is going swimmingly.

A Plea For Photographs.

I left my camera at home Saturday night, so I have little in the way of the incriminating evidence you all know I like to post in my gallery. As it was Janet's 30th - I'd really like to get my hands on whatever is out there. If you attended, and you have some good photos, please send them my way, posthaste.

On that note, thanks to all who came, especially Penny from Toronto, as you made her night. A truly great time was had by all, and I almost want to turn 30 again now myself. Help me out.

Monday's Quotelet: You Sweater Recognize!

The novelty of resembling Ron Jeremy began to wear off when it started to interfere with Khalel's sweater business.

Friday Is Pyeday.

I wasn't sent a quizzlet today, so I apologize for the lack of one. The parents just arrived in town for JP's 30th, and they're going to be rocking my roofdeck in about an hour. Like Lenscrafters. I am excited to see them, as its been months, and this whole weekend should be a doozy. I am looking forward to the birthday party tomorrow, where my most awesome secret surprise for Janet will finally be revealed!

I know, I know. I haven't mentioned Squidoo in a long time and you're all getting edgy. Again, my sincerest regrets. I am mentioning it today because I got my first check from them today - percentages of revenue my lenses generate from the ads on them. What am I going to spend my $22 on? I'm taking suggestions.

You may have noticed the new graphic in the left column. You may have also masturbated in the shower this morning. I passed my very difficult Google Adwords Marketing Professional exam, and am now allowed to put that up there for ya. I haven't taken a test in a very long time, and I'll tell ya - they were not fond memories. I was tempted to start peeing in a small cup.

Speaking of piss, a friend and I watched the most recent episode of Trailer Park Boys the other night entitled "High-Definition Piss Jugs". It was, without a doubt, the funniest one I have ever seen, and may replace "Who's the Microphone Assassin" as my all time favorite. I never thought I'd see myself type that. Interest in a TPB marathon has been amazingly positive, and those of you in the know can expect an Evite next week. This season is the best since #3, and I'm so happy they found their groove again.

I think I've exposed my nerdery enough for one day, Boston. Enjoy the weather. Rampant roofdeckery season begins anew.

JP's Birthday At The Red Fez - The Final Countdown.

When Pyes have birthdays, the weather usually tries to end the family line. I don't know if one of my Norse ancestors insulted Zeus or frigging Beowulf or found the Monkey's Paw or whatever. But it never fails. My Cinco de Mayo/JP's b-day parties have been marred by torrential downpours 4 of the last times, and my 30th saw the biggest snowstorm that had hit Boston in 20 years. But, barring locusts, we're on for Saturday night for Japes' 30th at the Red Fez.

I have been planning parties for a long time, and attending them for even longer, so I thought I'd compile a list of things I've learned over the years. And perhaps a few pet peeves. If you're coming, this info may prove useful and avoid potential party fouls.

1. Please refrain from ever using the term "party foul".
2. Don't ask me what time you should be there. There's been an Evite, discussion on the blog, and you're also probably over the age of 6. Parties on Saturday nights start between 8 & 9, unless they're being held at a preschool or in the activity room of an institution not permitted to provide forks.
3. If you don't know how to get there, please look on the Evite, Google it or look at the restaurant's website that I've linked to several times now before you set out. I am not good at driving directions, especially in the South End, and the only way in which I'd be able to help you is to pass my phone to someone else or light a fucking car on fire in front of the joint.
4. If you know Janet, and she doesn't want to hit you for any reason, you're invited. If you didn't get the Evite it's an oversight and do not take it personally. My friends included.
5. Have an exit strategy. Unless you're somehow related, or part of my inner, inner circle, I don't have after hour parties anymore. It sucks, but it's not worth the neighborhood grief I get.
6. If you're on the Evite, reply to it. It makes her feel good.

That's about it for now. I hope to see y'all there, and please remember - Don't feed Gordo any liquor.

Got A Whale Of A Tale To Tell Ya, Lads.

Today hasn't exactly been a bad day per se - but it just got a whole lot better. You know any modern mention of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea gets me moist. This is a friggin' doozy.

The new movie will be period set in the exact year (1867) of Verne's novel. I worship the novel and the Disney film and hope to do neither any disrespect! However, this is a re-adaptation NOT a remake. The idea is to go where previous film versions couldn't due to lack of technology, etc. and to finally put some of the novel's classic scenes that have never been filmed in any version onto the big screen for the first time. That and a few surprises along the way.

The giant squid will obviously be badass CGI, as will the Nautilus and all the great underwater scenes. But I hope they keep my favorite moment intact - namely Ned getting drunk while locked in his cabin with the old smelly grey sealion. Let's hope they don't get all Hollywood-2006-PC on us and have him drinking iced chai latte with a transgendered baby seal. Or Alec Baldwin.

Wednesday Weigh-In #3: Pork Me, You Dirty Bastard.

Some good results so far this week, although I hit a bit of a snag. My excuse is, since we're having Janet's party at the Red Fez this Saturday, and paying lots for appetizers for the punters, so I obviously had to go down there Monday night for quality control purposes. Let's see a funny pig photo and then look at the tale of the tape:



- Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week - 270 / Target 255 / Lost 2
- Smash >> Current: 138.5 / Last Week - 139 / Target 129 / Lost .5
- Pyeman >> Current: 227 / Last Week - 226 / Target 210 / Gained 1
- Greg >> Current: 205 / Last Week - 205 / Target 170 / Lost 0
- DVS >> Current 248 / Last Week - 250 / Target 210 / Lost 2
- Aubz >> Current: 134 / Last Week - 134 /Target 125 / Lost 0
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week - 159 / Target 140 / Lost 1
- Venditti >> Current: 232 / Last Week - 238 / Target 219 / Lost 6
- Sly >> Current: 216 - Last Week - 218 / Target 205 / Lost 2
- LBN >> Current: 155 / Last Week - 157 / Target 135 - Gained 2
- BDoyle >> Current: 187 - / Last Week - 189 / Target 175 / Lost 2
- Brick02 >> Current: 154 / Last Week - 154 / Target 144 - Lost 0
- Piglet >>> Current: 147 / Last Week - 148.5 / Target 135 / Lost 1.5
- Richard >> Current: 180 / Last Week - 185 / Target 170 - Lost 5

If your name hasn't been bolded, I am still waiting on results so get them in to me pronto. I think next week we'll have enough data for a little progress Pye chart. See what I did there? Good luck to us all, because the Slimfast bar novelty is definitely wearing off. The next couple of weeks will be where we separate the serious from the porkies. The wheat from the chaff. The men from the boys. The heifers from the healthy. Chime in on your experiences thus far in the comments, and let's keep it chugging. And no chugging bacon grease.

Let's Have A President's Choice Buttered Roll With Peaches.

I know I said I love you
I know you know it’s true
I got to put the phone down
And do what we gotta do

One’s standing in the aisle way
Two more at the door
We got to get inside there
Before they kill some more

I previously mentioned my dissapointment at Neil Young's recent moonbat mutation - namely his decision to write an entire album criticising the Iraq War and to release a song called "Let's Impeach the President". Young is one of the most amazing, prolific songwriters in history, and I'm sure he could have played it a little subtler with his eyes closed and had the same effect - whatever his motivations are. This is a bit of a 360, and an unwelcome one at that.

Mark Steyn has more: The news that my compatriot Neil Young has now released a song called "Let's Impeach The President" is a sad reminder of how far we've slipped back in the last five years. His song "Let's Roll" was a terrific tribute to the brave passengers of Flight 93, and the difference in focus between these two songs is very telling about not just our entertainment industry but about our broader civilizational confidence.

I'm reminded of a little known rapper, Intelligent Hoodlum, who graced us with his seminal liberal horseshit hit Arrest the President back in 1988. In addition to adopting perhaps the most blatant oxymoron in history as his moniker, IH was firing pretty blind and rallying against Reaganomics and Ronnie's obvious vendetta against minorities. Now Neil is joining the good fight, and also blaming one man for the bulk of the Universe's problems.

If you can sense the sarcasm, it's because I'm laying it on pretty thick. I mean, there's the Intelligent Hoodlums of the world, and then there's Neil fucking Young. Impeach the President? Fuck off. Is Neil losing his grip? He recently turned 60 - does he feel like he's running out of time in which to save the world? Does he feel badly about penning the "Let's Roll" 5 years ago, which brought a lot of comfort to a lot of people during that horrible time?

No one has the answers
But one thing is true
You got to turn on evil
When it’s comin’ after you

You got to face it down
And when it tries to hide
You got to go in after it
And never be denied
Time is runnin’ out
Let’s roll...

I am less concerned with bandying our collective pedestrian opinions back and forth about how dumb Bush is vs. whether or not we're all in very real danger of dying in a nuclear blaze - and more interested in why Young is bothering to do this. It's bothering me because he's a) Canadian, b) a genius who should know better and c) flipping and a flopping around, while accusing GWB of doing the same thing. Neil - please write some more songs about praries and moons, and shut the fuck up. The evil hasn't started fighting itself.

Click here for the full lyrics which were just released today. I think Neil may need to give a freshman girl at UMASS Amherst a co-writing credit. "Stop playing Neil Young at the facist penis parties!"

Monday's Quotelet: Uncle Dirty Pants.

Little Suki's Mom could never understand why she got so upset when Uncle Mike came over to babysit. Years later, when Suki learned to speak, Mom got her answer. Loosely translated from the Japanese: "All the damn buggery."