Pye in the Face

Shep and Rhuby are already closing in on 6 months of age, which is incredibly hard for me to believe. I got them at about 8.5 weeks and to think I’ve had the little devils in my life for that long amazes me. I was a devout cat person for years, and if you’d ever told me I would end up with not one but two dogs - I’d have told you to take another nitrus hit out of your Grateful Dead balloon. Then beaten you up because you’d have been a hippy.

So what have I learned in my time as a puppy daddy, I asked myself. What new canine-related knowledge would I choose to impart if someone asked me? Here are some notes…

1. People used to ask me why I didn’t want to have a dog. My answer was that they smell bad and fart a lot on top of it. My biggest complaint about my dogs thus far? They smell bad and fart a lot on top of it.
2. Separtated, both dogs are obedient little angels. If Janet goes away for a few days and takes Rhuby you’d mistake Shep for Benji he’s so darn good. Together they’re like Gozer and the fucking keymaster.
3. The doorbell, even when it’s only on the TV, is cause for a code red, four-alarm barkfest that would make you think the free members of the Manson family are on the doorstep.
4. Spiders and mosquitos are dee-lish.
5. They’re getting neutered and spade respectively at the 6 month mark in a couple of weeks. We’re getting dangerously close to puppy potency, and I’m seeing more lipstick out than a Revlon warehouse.
6. They don’t always remember commands. They don’t always remember their names. But they’ll remember exactly where the dead beaver was even if you don’t take them down that road for a week.
7. You know how you’d never dream of smoking inside your own home, but if your friend allows it in their house it’s OK? My dogs are like that - with feces. They’re not housebroken, they’re homebroken.
8. Cat turds out of the litter boxe are dee-lish. If I spot Shep coming upstairs and he looks like he fell asleep in a bowl of Grape Nuts - it’s straight to the laundry sink for a mouthwash like I’m a housewife in the 1950’s whose child just said “aw, gee whiz“.
9. Even if it’s 11:30 in the morning and the dogs aren’t due to eat for another 6.5 hours, yell “you wanna bone?” when they’re misbehaving or have run off - and they’ll drop everything and come back to you in a split second. They’re a lot like Kim Kardashian in that respect.
10. When they’re curled up beside you on the couch, all is forgiven.

If the vast majority of these points seem like they revolve around doodies, it’s because they do. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little guys and have made a commitment for life. I just wish there was a bit less “nauture” involved sometimes. I’ll live and it’s worth it. Just don’t call me Dr. Poolittle.

Arizona police were relieved to finally know where DMX’s dogs was at - Partially buried in his backyard. Cock.

Whipping young canines into shape takes time, persistence and the patience of a saint. I can hear you asking, “Dave - please tell us your secret!” I’m a generous man, and here it is…

Forget Caesar Milan and save your obedience school money. All you need to know when training a puppy is where to drop a few well-placed “boops“. Set the whole piece to the theme music from Predator, and I think we’ve found the funny.

Not all of the 3 cats that live in my house are complete pricks. Janet’s cat, Mr. Bean, has been making a concerted effort to get along with the puppies. And I think he has succeeded. Look what I saw when I walked into my room today! I mean, besides the dead French Canadian prostitute.

It’s remotely possible that you have yet to grow tired of my puppy chatter. If that is the case then I think you’re really going to enjoy this video I recorded and spliced together last night from various clips of me walking Shepherd and Rhuby up to the top of Space mountain. That’s what I call our most treacherous driveway which has been the scene of many Dodge Chargers sliding off the road this winter. OK - the same Charger, many times. An aside: I love my car but I would have gone with a 4WD vehicle had I known what I was in for out here in the wilds.

The aforementioned road is losing its ‘bite’ as the snow melts, and now the only real headache it delivers is two muddy little puppies who enjoy long walks from start to finish. I decided to take them for a good run yesterday, as they were bouncing off the walls of my room as I worked and I thought a new video was also in order. They’ve grown quite a lot since the last one and I’m sure there’s at least a couple of curious parties out there still reading. Enjoy the muddy madness…

I absolutely hate to impose boring videos on my friends, family or readers so I always take the time to try to structure it a little bit and most importantly keep it short and funny. In the next 3.5 minutes you’ll hear music from Black Francis, Jerry Lee Lewis and Travis. You’ll see a funny dog burp, a frightened herd of deer and my two muddy buddies. There are even a couple of Steve Austin sound effects thrown in for good measure. Hope ya liked it and happy Thursday.

A business meeting in Ottawa yesterday brought me within 5 miles of Manotick - the town in which I spent the first 10 years of my life. I decided to take a detour and drive on through to check out how the town has changed, visit my old subdivision, etc. I hadn’t been back in about 20 years, so it was quite a mind-blowing experience and I took pictures and captioned them if anyone would like to peek into my past: Manotick Photos. The damnedest thing I saw had to be that the old jungle gym I used to play on in the park across from my house was still there. It’s a rickety old metal thing which predated our arrival to Island View Drive in 1974 - and not something that was anchored in any way which is why I was so shocked. If nothing else you’ll get an idea of the ridiculous amount of snow the winter of 2007/2008 has dumped on us.

“The power of Christ compels you.”

On to the weasels: Shepherd and Rhubarb are growing and learning fast, and they’ve fit in well amongst the cats and craziness. Their Grandparents, Gord and Bonnie, adore them and Mom keeps an eye on them during the day while Janet and I are hiding away in our rooms working. Janet is a very early riser so she takes the pups out when they start to squirm around 7am, I walk them down to the end of our road around lunchtime and then Janet likes to have them in the kitchen with her if she’s cooking dinner. Then it’s my turn again at night, and they’re usually chilling on the couch with me with the occasional trip outside until they hit their respective crates about 11pm. Rhuby is in Janet’s room and Shep is in mine. We’re a week into sleeping them in separate crates and rooms, and it’s been an easier adjustment than we expected. Here is a big batch of new pics: Puppy Photos.

And finally I’ve added some photos of our house and the surrounding area. You’ll shriek in horror as you see my driveway become a skating rink. There’s also a friendly snowman, a bearded neighbor and several other shots of the winter wonderland I’ve been living in up here. Enjoy: Portland Photos. All the pictures have individual captions written for them like I used to do in the old days, so don’t just glance at the thumbnails. I’m trying to make you giggle, here.

There are very few things JV isn’t an expert on. Just ask him if you don’t believe me. He left a great comment regarding my puppy training article that a lot of you won’t see unless you backtrack and sniff around, so I am going to repost it here as a main article. His advice is funny, blunt and accurate…

“Caesar (Dog Whisperer) is the man. Pretty simple message every show. A little common sense, a lot of exercise & dominance cures all. As a dude who goes to the city’s biggest yuppie dog park and watches many a disobedient dog/stupid handler I suggest 2 commands must be taught in order for you to not be an idiot yuppie dog owner:

1-COME, If your dog doesn’t come 100% of the time when you call it you’re an idiot. Shep should also respond to a whistle command to come or at least get a bearing on you. fastest way to train this command? Find a dog treat they luv and never give it to them - ever - unless they are properly executing the command. Dogs should only be rewarded with things they want (treats, effection) when they are doing what they’re supposed to. Only idiots give there young dogs rewards for being cute or soiling your home… at least during their prime training months.

2-NO, If you can’t get your dog to immediately stop whatever its doing, freeze in its tracks and look back at you waiting for the green light you’re an idiot.

I say “you’re an idiot” because the dog obviously only knows what you teach it and without these 2 commands hard wired there’s a good chance it will do something stupid i.e. somehow put itself in harms way… which is your fault. The next commands for non-idiot dog handlers are sit, down, stay, heel and lick the peanut butter off my…

If you can get your dog to walk beside or behind you and mirror your movements off-leash you will be a dog master. Nothing is more gratifying than having your dog listen to you because as you eventually marry and have kids the dog will eventually be the only one listening to you.”

Are you sick of hearing me talk about my wee pups yet? If so, I can hardly blame you. I swear I will stop as soon as I get about $500 in PetSmart gift cards in the mail. As that isn’t going to happen, you’ll have to humor me. I’ll keep it short.

There’s a couple of new galleries live if you’d like to look in on Winter in Portland or my most recent puppy pics. They are growing like weeds, picking up a good portion of what I’m trying to teach them, as I pick up good portions of doodie, and I cannot wait until it gets warmer so I can take them outside more frequently. Boston Terriers have such thin coats that I can only take them out once or twice a day for very short periods of time. That’s it for me this evening. Stay tuned for a quizzlet tomorrow and a healthy dose of home pup videos over the weekend.

Janet and I have never had a dog before. It’s not that we didn’t like them, it’s that my father vehemently hated canines so we became cat people by default. The first time I ever learned the word “shit” was probably due to the frequency with which Gord referred to my Grandmother’s dog, Buffy, as a “four-legged shit maker”. Our lack of a dog was never an issue for the younger Pyes. We had hamsters, gerbils, sea monkeys, hermit crabs, fish, guinea pigs and a whole herd of cats. A dog was not missed and I’ve discussed this at length before.

Our decision to get not one but two dogs was made rather quickly around a trailer park propane fire in the midst of a white wine fueled evening in Florida. I’ve never second-guessed the decision and I’m pretty sure my sister hasn’t either. We’ve both read multiple books in preparation and she will be taking over Rhuby-rearing duties from me when she moves up here, permanently, in two weeks. So if that cat wasn’t officially out of the bag in Boston - it is now. I love Rhuby as much as I love Shep. She’s clever, obedient and loveable. But I am looking forward to some one-on-one time with Shep because their training is definitely suffering for two reasons which are very clear to me.

It is extremely difficult to train two puppies at once. The moment you focus your attention on one animal over the other, the odd-dog-out immediately begins doing everything in its puppy power to get that attention back. This can include biting the haunches of the other dog as you’re attempting to work, crying loudly if separated and worrying the other dog so it becomes completely distracted, leaving a huge steaming poo pyramid that would make Imhotep jealous right next to where you’re crouched and attempting to focus, etc. And imagine trying to teach them their names if they are always together. It’s a literal shit show and I don’t want to fall behind.

It is extremely difficult to train puppies when it is 10 below. I had optimistically planned, since I work from home, to have Shep and Rhuby fully house trained by the second week. No such luck. They start shivering like methodone patients as soon as I open the door on the worst Canadian winter in 15 years. And as we live on a lake there is usually a huge gust blowing up the lawn that sounds like the Kraken approaching the house. I’ve gotten Shep to pee on the side deck, which I have cleared off and put puppy pads out on, a couple of times now but Rhuby wants none of it. I think if it were nice outside they’d be chomping at the bit to get out there as often as possible and the toilet training would be all but complete. I may invest in a couple of dog sweaters the next time I am in town.

It’s not all a nightmare - The pups are excelling in several areas. They have never woken me up at night. I think this is due to the fact that they are sleeping together in the same crate, although I have bought two and plan to switch them soon. They have never wet the crate during an overnight confinement. They are respectful of the cat and do not chase it around the way I feared they would. 90% of the pee and 75% of the poo released in the kitchen is done so on the approved puppy pads. They have learned “leave it” and can usually be corrected easily when biting something they shouldn’t be.

I have created a “No-No Can” which was a tip from both a book and my breeder. It’s a Chunky Soup can with the label boiled off, filled with my loose change collection and sealed up with duct tape. It’s noisy as an MF and upon shaking it the puppies immediately stop whatever naughtiness they are perpetuating. I don’t show them the can so they don’t associate the noise with me. “Me chew baby gate, me hear loud sound. Me no chew baby gate, sound go away”. It’s that simple and it works.

So that’s my life as a puppy care giver. I enjoy it but I’m definitely concerned about their training progress. Friday night I was in Best Buy and picked up season one of the Dog Whisperer. Amazing stuff. I certainly welcome all non-Cesar comments and advice too!

The only thing better than having a puppy is videotaping said creature and then editing music over the various snippets to create a truly mirthful combination of vignettes. I’ve had a lot of silly movie ideas over the past 10 days of puppy parenthood so I decided to edit the best bits together into one piece of celluloid history.

You’ll see that obviously Boss is none to pleased with his new housemates. Octopi feature quite heavily into the production, as do The Carpenters and Jojo. I fully love these little guys and am having a great, albeit smelly, time with them. I’ll probably put together a proper piece on what life is like here at the lake now that these little monsters have taken over my kitchen. Enjoy.

According to AICN, the long awaited, highly anticipated, masturbated over, exhaustively discussed “teaser trailer” for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will debut Thursday on ABC’s Good Morning America and make its way to Yahoo movies, the official site, and theaters shortly thereafter. The teaser is also rumored to be playing in front of this weekend’s big release, The Spiderwick Chronicles.

Teaser trailers are usually only made for big-budget and popularly themed movies. Their purpose is less to tell the audience about a movie’s content than simply to let them know that the movie is coming up in the near future, and to add to the hype of the upcoming release. Teaser trailers are often made while the film is still in production or being edited and as a result they may feature scenes or alternate versions of scenes that are not in the finished film. Teaser trailers today are increasingly focused on internet downloading and the convention circuit. For example, here is my teaser for an upcoming puppy movie currently in post-production entitled “Octopus Attack”.

I need to do a couple of re-shoots, particularly the scene where Shep lays cable when he’s supposed to be running in fear from the beast, but look for it to debut on Veekend Video. Also look for me to be locked up soon by Animal Cops Detroit.

Operation Puppy has gone off so far without a hitch. Shep and Rhuby seem very much at home very fast. Poops and peeps are happening almost exclusively outside or on their mats and they have slept all the way through the night three times without messing their crate or trying to wake me up. This may be because every night before bed we play “Chuckwagon” where I run around the house and they chase me like little bats out of hell.

Feeding time happens 3 times a day and they each get 1/3 of a cup of kibble for a grand total of one cup daily. Obviously, this is always a very important event for a pup so we decided to film lunch time on Sunday. I inexplicably started singing a related song to the tune of P-Funk, and hence another VV was born.

There won’t be much activity on the blog tomorrow, as I am spending the majority of the day shopping for, setting up for and then going to meet - the puppies! Yes, Shep and Rhuby will be official members of the Pye clan by about 7pm. Here is a photo of Shep taken by the breeder this evening…

He has grown into quite the handsome little weasel, eh? This time tomorrow, their crates will be in my room, my kitchen will - or be about to - smell like shit, Boss will be having a coronary on a piece of tall furniture and no shoes will be safe. So now help me enjoy Rhubarb’s lovely face while it’s still a great idea and not yet a reason I’m praying for death in the fetal position while trying to sleep…

What a pair! I’m incredibly excited and I know all of the hard work will be worth it. They’ll make sure I’m early to bed, early to rise and living a structured and routine life - which can be a challenge for your old pal Dave sometimes. I will also be training them to bite me on the nose anytime I refer to myself in the third person. There will undoubtedly be lots of puppy-related content popping up on here over the weekend, so stay tuned - and perhaps say a small prayer.

Coming to you live from the Doubletree Hilton at 400 Soldiers Field Road in Boston - I have escaped the clutches of Florida and am slowly picking my way back to Ottawa. I stupidly booked my flight back Sunday night to coincide with the Superbowl, so I’m very proud of that. Still, when I cross the threshold of my front door and begin a several hour berating by a small orange cat who’s been waiting for me for a month, I’ll be a very happy chappy. And I can always watch the highlights.

A few days later I collect the wee baby weasels, Rhubarb and Shep. Have a look at the latest puppy gallery updates for some heart-wrenching cutie-pant photos fresh from the breeder. Although life will begin revolving around the little guys, punctuated frequently by overwhelming doodie smells, I am thoroughly looking forward to fatherhood. And I’ll be gosh darned if I leave the province for good long time. I may sneak out for some fun in Beantown this weekend prior to departure, so get at me, dawgs.

As walking a cat on a leash seems a bit ridiculous to me, I decided to tape one of my jaunts with my parent’s cat, Spud, on the off-chance anything funny might happen. Watching it back and editing it together with a little Fats Domino, I realized the whole event was funny in and of itself - so I’m featuring it here on Veekend Video.

Not to mention the peacock standoff, poisonous caterpillar warning and controlled burn / raging blaze which touched off only a hundred meters from our trailer. Definitely an interesting 15 minutes of Florida morning, edited down for you here to about 4 and a half. This is one strange universe.

Folks - your IMs, texts and emails in the 2 days since I posted the short blurb about my mother’s illness and Shepherd’s death pulled me right out of the doldrummy tailspin and I am forever grateful. Janet and I arrived in Florida Wednesday and spent the night in my parent’s trailer park, the residents of which are some of the nicest, most caring people I’ve ever met. I now know why coming down here was so important to my mother, although we’re still pushing for this to be the last year. As we sat around the fire enjoying a pot luck dinner in our honor, Janet and I were frequently pulled aside and given one-on-one insights (I guess you could call them) from their many 5th wheel residing buddies. Yesterday we met both of our parent’s doctors during separate appointments on opposite sides of Melbourne and that left us feeling better as well. My Dad in particular has an amazing doctor, social worker and nurse in his corner. Combined the last two days have provided us with some optimism and comfort, not to mention the nice messages from all of y’all.

As we drank multiple 1.5 liter bottles of white wine and ate friend chicken around a roaring propane blaze surrounded in turn by RVs and cats on leashes, I got a text message from my breeder. She informed me she’d located another young litter in our area and asked if I wanted her to look into it. She was devastated by the loss of the puppies and I really appreciate the way she sucked it up and tracked down another option for myself and some of the other disappointed families via her network of peers. I immediately got in touch with the backup breeder via BlackBerry and a few minutes later I had photos. After some more back and forth regarding family history, bloodlines, the size of the parents and finally price I had dibs on the only male in a litter of 8 born just one week after Shepherd and his unfortunate departed siblings.

Perhaps caught up in the heat of the moment, my sister told me to inform the breeder she wanted a female from the same litter too! So in one Chardonnay and grease soaked evening, which began as a very somber and morose affair indeed, we’d resurrected not only the notion of Shepherd Pye but found him a sister to boot! Janet will be getting photos of the remaining females after one other family takes first pick of the 7 little girls, but those are still great odds - and how much can you tell from a photo of a week old puppy anyway? It’s really all about the raising and the training. This is a photo of Shepherd 2.0 who greatly resembles the original in both size, coloring and genetics. I will post photos of the already named Pumpkin Pye as soon as Janet chooses her. Sometimes things go from bad to worse… and then backwards a few notches to “cool”. Punky and Shep will not be stopped!

Update: Janet has decided to name her dog Rhubarb Pye - “Ruby” for short.

My Mother’s cancer has returned and I am moving to Florida for at least a month while she has surgery to see her through and take care of my Dad until she recoups. If it hasn’t spread to her lymph nodes she won’t require chemo and they’ll spend the rest of the winter there. It could be a quick procedure and our fingers are crossed.

On a lighter note, Shepherd, the puppy I was to give a home to in mid-February, died last night of something called “Fading Puppy Syndrome”. I am absolutely gutted and am even less interested in writing than I have been the last week since I got the news about Mom. Some cracks are starting to appear in the ‘rock’ - but I shall return, readers.

Shepherd opened his eyes for the first time last weekend, and here`s the little guy`s first photo as an optically-enabled canine. Sounds kind of like C.H.O.M.P.S. when you put it like that - Enjoy!

My little, hairy bundle of joy was delivered yesterday to his proud parents Pixie and Oscar. I had first pick of the litter and I chose Shepherd Pye, or ‘Puppy C’ as he was formerly known, based on his classic Boston Terrier markings. The breeder herself said that if she was going to keep one of the litter for herself, Shep would have been the one. All of the puppies are cute, don’t get me wrong, but if you’re going to pay the purebred price you want the animal with the best stud value, etc. Click here for a photo of proud little Pixie and her litter, and here’s the wee man of the hour himself.

I’ll be picking Shepherd up around the 14th of February and am allowed to go and visit him as of January 23rd (7 weeks from now). It’ll be a long wait, as the breeder is just down the road from me, but she is very serious about protecting the puppies from diseases and meeting too many new people before they’re of a very specific age. As this is my first dog, and I’m only half way through the first of several dog books I’ve collected leading up to this, I will defer to her in all matters of dogginess. Wow - this is really happening.