From the category archives:

Animalistic

One of the advantages of living on a lake, I mean besides the simplicity of body disposal, is the ability to introduce your household pets to water at an early age. I’m not saying I’ve encouraged 3-yr-olds to try and pitch Golden Retrievers into the drink unattended. I learned that lesson a long time ago. I’m saying when the animals are young you get make sure they grow up to love the water and learn how to swim. Which is what Janet and I did with Rhuby and Shep. So here’s a cute video of them from Canada Day weekend doing just that.

 

The BT breed is not known for their aquatic prowess, so we’re quite pleased that they’ve ended up as hairy little Phelpses. One of these days though, as you can see, Shep is quite liable to paddle away and discover Atlantis. Or sink like a stone and drown. I’ll be keeping an eye on him. Hope you enjoyed.

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Shepherd has a Licking Problem

by Dave on February 16, 2010

in Animalistic

boston-terrier The award for all-time best licking problem obviously has to go to Charles. But Charles only ever seemed to lick ghosts, air, drafts or whatever. You never see him licking the sweet Christ out of his owners in the famous video. You never see him licking the floor, furniture, light fixtures or anything else that might cause some sort of domestic offense – just his own damn self. No harm, no foul, no rash on the back of your hand.

On the other hand, my Boston Terriers Shepherd, Rhubarb and Pixie will lick anything that isn’t nailed down. Let me rephrase that – they’ll lick absolutely anything. And they won’t stop. Ever. Until Sarah Connor is dead. Obviously they aren’t Terminators, but if someone were to suggest that possibility to me I’d seriously consider it – because it makes no less sense than watching Shepherd do nothing but tongue a couch cushion for the lion’s share of an afternoon.

Pixie and Shep have a licking problem.

I knew there was a problem, or at least a trend, when I started sitting down on furniture – my bed even – and finding myself smack dab in wet spots. And not the fun kind. They are not large animals so the time, concentration and saliva required to soak half of a comforter is considerable. Spellbinding, even. But don’t take my word for it. See the little weirdos in action for yourself above. And for the love of God, will one of my old Vermont Academy friends please send me a box of salt licks, stat!

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Business Card Boston Terrier

by Dave on September 3, 2009

in Animalistic,Professional

This is the back of my new business card. And I love it.

FTS_BcardTemplate “So let’s brainstorm some new ways in which I can help your clients dig holes in their back yards.”

Thanks to my lovely and talented colleague, Kristine, for putting this together from one of my favorite photos of my beloved snow leopard, Shepherd.

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worlds-oldest-dog

A wire-haired dachshund from Long Island, NY recognized as the world’s oldest dog, died Friday at 147 dog years – presumably while trying to escape from Long Island.

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Wretched Warbles

by Dave on August 25, 2009

in Animalistic,Appalling

When the chips are down, and the shit’s flying overhead, I like to think I have a pretty strong stomach. There are, however, no words, life experiences or time spent in a Hanoi P.O.W. camp which can prepare one’s constitution for warbles. Or the Presidency, apparently. Unless you’re a bonafied insectophile – turn away. Turn away now.

A veterinarian friend of mine sent me some photos today of several warbles which she removed from an 8-week-old kitten’s neck. Warbles aren’t like fleas or ticks but rather gigantic maggots which are usually transferred to living hosts by the “Bot” Fly – although my biology is probably severely lacking here. The point is that these things have to be seen to be believed.

I’ll spare you the photos of the monstrous larva being pulled from the neck of the sweet little kitty. I’d rather you fully came to understand my point by watching them removed from the back of this filthy hippy who apparently picked a few of the little bastards up while visiting Peru. They are not, however, particularly exotic. I mean, the Kingston Kitty had never been to the Yucatan.

Warbles, or whatever you’re supposed to call them apart from “oh my fucking sweet Jesus, what is that?!” are commonly spread by mosquitoes carrying eggs whilst jumping from person to animal to person and back again. Their eggs gestate and hatch after several weeks and then slowly bore their way out of their unfortunate host. The holes they leave are the size of quarters. They have spines and teeth. How have I never heard of this before? How can I get back to a place in time where I hadn’t yet heard of them – like after using one of those memory-erasing flash sticks from MIB? Fucking bleeeeech!

The kitten has lived to tell the tale, by the way, and I’ve read that most pets which suffer from this nastiness survive as well. I need a shower. In bleach.

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Pixie Pye’s Silly Video Debut

by Dave on July 2, 2009

in Animalistic

It’s been delayed far too long. I’ve fawned over her, discussed her and even posted Boston Terrier photos of my wonderful new familial addition – the lovely and talented Pixie Pye. You have yet, however, to see a video of my cute little water weasel. So with no further ado…


Strictly snappin’ necks.

And you thought Shep and Rhuby liked to do the head-tilt thing. Pixie is almost able to pull off a full Linda Blair. What do you think? Is she the cutest thing ever, or the probable result of a mad scientist crossing a Mogwai with a retarded bullfrog? I’ll let you be the judge.

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Ridin’ With my Pixie

by Dave on May 2, 2009

in Animalistic

pixie-charger
I have to ride in the back again? I’m calling Sharpton.

Yes, she resembles a retarded Mogwai. Or may also be the result of a genetic experiment which crossed a piglet with an adult male bullfrog. But little Pixie Pye is all mine – and I loves her! She’s fitting in well with the family and I can’t wait for her to meet Janet and Rhuby next week. The Three Fugsketeers will come together at last!

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They are Not Quarry. They are Family

by Dave on April 30, 2009

in Animalistic

Just caught myself saying this to the dogs after they bumrushed Boss the cat for no apparent reason:

“Please leave the kitties alone. They are not quarry. They are family.”

So now, not only am I talking to the dogs as if they were humans on a way too regular basis – I’m speaking to them as if they were learned English thespians. Perhaps soon they’ll start lifting their pinkie toe-fingers whenever they lap from their water dish.

Needless to say at this point, I’m very much looking forward to the human company that the May 16th Bonnie Pye memorial brings with it. Tally ho.

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Introducing Pixie Pye!

by Dave on April 9, 2009

in Animalistic

Back in February, when Mom was particularly bad, Shep’s breeder graciously offered to take care of him for a few days. When I returned to pick him up Megan mentioned to me that Pixie, who was Shepherd 1.0‘s mother, had to have an emergency spay after her most recent litter was delivered and as a result would be put up for adoption should I be interested. I had always adored Pixie – she was the first Boston Terrier I ever really met in my life – so the wheels started turning.

A bit of background – you may recall that the first litter Janet and I were supposed to get our puppies from, parented by Pixie and Oscar, died of the equivalent of canine SIDS. The impending existence of an “accidental” litter became apparent to the breeder a few days later, parented by Cricket and Oscar this time, and Megan called to let me know Janet and I would have first choice of those puplets when the time came. Hence we went on to become fanatical Boston Terrier people. Just call me Rose McGowan.

The bottom line is that Shep is an incredible pain in the butt when the two of us are up here alone and his sister is with my sister in Boston. He sits beside my office chair and whines all darn day. When Rhuby is here, however, they keep each other amused to no end. This was the basis on which I made the decision to adopt Pixie last week – and I picked her up Monday night right after I got back from Beantown. The breeder told me that she was “elated” that I wanted the dog because three other families she interviewed with didn’t work out. Whether the people sucked, or I’ve just adopted Satan spawn, remains to be seen.

IMG 0849
“What did you just say about my new brother?”

She’s small for a Boston Terrier with a muscular little frame that shoots around the house at breakneck speeds. She’s not too fond of the cats as of yet and frequently corners them before barking in their faces until I come and drag her away. She snores like a sailor and makes little grunting sounds constantly which may cause some to mistake her for a pot-bellied pig – but I assure you it’s beyond cute. Snoring will begin literally 20 seconds after she puts her head down, so let me change my previous comparison to “drunken” sailor.

Two days before I picked her up she was in a scrap with another of the breeder’s dogs, “Dancey” who managed to tear a big hunk out of her left brow. I’ve been doing my best to keep it clean and closed which is why you’ll see a band aid in some of her pictures. I am now of the opinion that Crazy Glue should be a feature of every first aid kit.

So far so good. I love the little monster, and the fact that she’s named after my favorite band made the decision that much easier. Destiny turned on the Terrier, perhaps. Stay tuned for more silly puppy photos and videos featuring my new muse – Pixie Pye! Click for the full gallery.

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The site from which I used to spelunk my quizzlet questions each Friday has unfortunately gone the way of the Dodo. I’m quite happy to make the questions up myself – but that seems pretty disingenuous. I’d also like to reboot the sense of community we had here on Pye in the Face in years past and encourage reader participation. See where I’m going with this?

Using my Facebook status and Twitter account I’m going to invite all of you to submit the 5 questions which normally make up Friday’s Quizzlet. If folks care enough to get involved maybe I’ll be able to do this every week. I’d also like to invite people to answer the questions themselves in the comments like so many of you used to do in PITF’s golden era. Monday I’ll also be reinstating the Quotelet contest – with real prizes this time around. Sound fun? I’m certainly looking forward to it. Update: Thanks for all the submissions, folks. Here we go.

Appetizer: It’s a common observation that people’s pets resemble them in some way. What are 3 similarities between you and your pet? – Amy K.

1. Shepherd is loyal to a fault. You could say that, however, about every dog that has ever lived. “Want me to follow you into traffic? OK!” Although my “gut feelings” are usually quite dependable there have been a few times in my life where I spent time and energy on fixing people – when I should have been taking out the garbage. Or walking into traffic.

2. Shepherd digs his sister. Janet and I have been very close (since we stopped living together at our parent’s) and we both value each other’s support. For obvious reasons this has become especially important recently and also explains how my 5-day business trip to Boston has turned into over 3 weeks at this point. I’m reminded of Belushi’s SNL skit, “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”. But she swears she isn’t. We’ll see what she thinks in another 3 weeks.

3. Shepherd is fascinated by deer poo. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, people.

Soup: Has anyone ever really cared when Jimmy cracked corn? – Megan C.

Yes – it’s quite possible that over the years at least a few people have cared. I’m assuming that to “crack” corn is to husk it and thought up some possible examples.

  • His hungry corn-fed family.
  • A cow, pig or other farm animal who was also quite hungry. If he’s crackin’ corn on a regular basis, he probably lives on a farm. Or needs a hobby.
  • Any major theater chain you wish to choose. Kernels don’t grow on trees, they grow on corn stalks. And getting at the kernels first requires you to crack those motherfuckers.
  • Native American dry colored corn artists. Without Jimmy they’d have far less time to create breathtaking art.

So next time you want to hate on Jimmy the corn cracker, Megan, try showing a little compassion instead. Cornpassion, even.

Salad: What’s your favorite Bonnie memory? Sorry that’s personal but I’d like to hear it. – Mary C-B.

It’s obviously impossible to pick just one. There was an amusing recent occurrence, however, which happened up at the lake house about 3 summers ago. I bugged and bugged my mother to get on the back of a jetski with me, which she was absolutely dead set against. After taking a couple of test runs back and forth across her line of vision, I came back to the dock in one piece and finally coerced her to climb on. She got out of her lawn chair which was set up on the dock beside Gordo and several neighbors and they cheered her on as she straddled the evil, motorized sea beast.

The voyage started out well-enough, with Mom giggling and mock-screaming as she held on to my waist for dear life. Then it all went horribly wrong. Anyone with jetski experience will hammer home one piece of advice to a newbie – never decelerate in a turn. I did just that, right in full view of the dock spectators, and Bonnie and I rolled arse-over-tit beneath the waves in a split second. I climbed back on my steed but Mom had had quite enough and dog-paddled all the way back to shore as we both endured comments from the peanut gallery (well, I got a lot more shit than she did). I tied up at the dock myself about 20 minutes later. As I passed by my father he beckoned for me to lean down before whispering in my ear: “Thanks a lot, asshole. Now she’ll never let me get one.”

Main Course: Which crime would you make punishable by death, and how would the guilty be executed? – Gary P.

Child abuse. Particularly that of a diddly nature. Most states will already execute you for killing a child. Ruining the rest of their life via mental scarring will only get you a comparably short jail sentence followed by a “This Guy is a Diddler” sign on your front lawn. I’ll need more time to devise the ideal method of diddler dispatch, but I can tell you that it will definitely be slow, will definitely be painful and will definitely involve… diddling.

Dessert: Why hasn’t Will Smith insisted on starring in films with better storylines? – Angie F.

I have to assume here that you’re speaking specifically about the two cowboys fighting the giant robotic spider in 1880’s California? If you’re not, you should be. At least you get to see Bai Ling’s buttocks in that pile of garbage, which on second thought isn’t much of an incentive. Seven Pounds put me to sleep quicker that a mallet to the temple, but I think recently his choices have been quite sound. I really enjoyed I Am Legend, Pursuit of Happyness and Hancock. Your theory about Will’s bad choices may come back into fashion, however, as I see his next movie in production is entitled Monster Hunter. I’d like to go on record as saying I hope that movie involves at least one Sasquatch pursuit.

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shep-hoodie
Even at -20 degrees celsius, Shepherd was a bad, bad dog.

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geese-terrorists
What really brought down US Air Flight 1549.

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Bruins vs. Islanders vs. Puppies

by Dave on November 28, 2008

in Animalistic,Sporty

Hello, kids. The Puppy birthday party went off without a hitch, as did the human party last night at Matt’s in Concord. More people showed up than we ever could have predicted, and it`s a true testament to the influence of the internet. And by internet, I of course mean Facebook. More information to follow when I’m not living life like Roger Miller’s favorite train-frequenting protagonist.


Maya, Griffin and Bella get the pit going at the Puppy Party.

Friday morning an intimidating number of us will be meeting at 9am within the Grand Canal to imbibe in preparation of the hockey game at noon. Our seats are formidable and I can’t wait. If Greg, The Hammer, Pete, Johnny Mac, Detroit Velvet Smooth, Alize, John David, Amy and I make it past Garden security after 3 hours of A.M. revelry on Causeway Street – even better. Anyone who is also attending this particular sporting event please feel free to join us at the GC pre-game.

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Door Poultry Just Doing Their Jobs

by Dave on November 19, 2008

in Animalistic

If you’ve ever worked as a bouncer you know that about 90% of all trouble starts in one of two places: the dance floor or the pool table. Gary sent me this video a few minutes ago and I had to share. It reminds me of any given Thursday night at the Bullring circa 1997 – right down to the little patio that resembles said dance floor. All that’s missing are a couple more rabbits dancing on a pair of speakers.


“You can hop out of here like a gentleman or be thrown out like a bum and barred. It’s entirely up to you, Peter.”

On a related note, the Bullring’s Guelph Homecoming 2009 revival is still underway, and the masterminds had a conference call on the matter only this morning. We’ve thought up 3 potential revenue streams for the one-night-only event, and I can truly say (and I’ve always wanted to) that we’re gonna make them an offer they can’t refuse. Stay tuned!

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Rhubarb and Shepherd were born in late November, 2007 in Kingston Ontario. But their first birthday party will be held the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving in Boston, MA. If you’re a family friend we’d love for you to come and join us as myself and Shepherd (obviously) will both be in town and anxious to see people.

boston-terrier-birthday

The party is VERY kid-friendly so snacks, juice and gift bags will be available. However it’s still a Pye Party, so beer and wine will be flowing long after the children have left and probably long before they’ve left to be fair. Help us celebrate this special day and prime your pumps for the big holiday at the same time.

Presents for the pooches are welcomed and encouraged! Sweaters, treats, toys and anything else you may dream up are all great ideas. And if anyone can dig up the Dog Indiana Jones Costume that was sold out everywhere I looked online – Shep really had his hopes up for that one. Hope to see you there, and that nobody calls the ASPCA! If you would like to come, send me an email or Facebook message where there is also an Event page for the evening.

Signed: Dave and Janet – Proud siblings and parents of siblings (No, this party isn’t actually taking place in Kentucky).

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