Pye in the Face

Appetizer: What is the nearest big city to your home?
Ottawa, Ontario. I’m headed there this evening to see my friend Seany Mac whom I lived in residence with at Guelph. I haven’t seen him for a decade and I can’t wait. We recently got back in touch and I was pleased to learn he lives reasonably close to me. Then Saturday night I am going to my friend Adam’s for a BBQ. He was my neighbor and little buddy way back when I lived in Manotick around 7-11 years of age. They are coming out of the woodwork, and I love it.

Soup: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how well do you keep secrets?
I’ve been guilty of letting at least one juicy tidbit slip towards the wrong ears at least once in my life, but these days I pride myself on keeping my mouth shut. I’ll talk to close friends until the cows come home, but when in mixed company I tend to shift into “Hemingway mode”. Less is more. My senior superlative was “Talks Least, Says Most”, and I’m still kinda proud of that. Meanwhile, here I am maintaining a blog and blathering on for anyone who’ll listen.

Salad: Describe your hair (color, texture, length).
Short, fine and brown. I’ve had the same haircut for 20 years, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a blond spot that sets me apart a little. When the hair on top of my head gets a bit longish it becomes very pronnounced. Like a polkadot or something. You know what I just thought of then, that I haven’t in year? This, and I laughed.

Main Course: What kind of driver are you? Courteous? Aggressive? Slow?
It all depends on the car and the situation. On long country straightaways with little O.P.P. risk, I’m Steve McQueen. In downtown Toronto with my Mother’s minivan, I’m Hoke Colburn.

Dessert: When was the last time you had a really bad week?
I have no idea. I take it day by day and if things ever got to the point where I’d had 7 miserable 24-hour periods in a row there’d be something seriously wrong. Or I’d be in Newark.

Appetizer: When someone smiles at you, do you smile back?
Of course I do - I believe the English word for anyone who wouldn’t is “prick”. When I get a smile from a complete stranger it brightens my day. Especially when I’m not in a holding cell.

Soup: Describe the flooring in your home. Do you have carpet, hardwood, vinyl, a mix?
Good heavens, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel today, quizzlet. All of the flooring in the lake house is lovely hardwood. It was lovely, anyway. Puppy claws and puppy pee has wreaked a little bit of havoc. My desk chair has also dulled the finish in my room. But I guess some wear and tear is to be expected when you live in the middle of a three-ring circus.

Salad: Write a sentence with only 5 words, but all of the words have to start with the first letter of your first name.
Death and violence in Darfur.

Main Course: Do you know anyone whose life has been touched by adoption?
One of my best friends was adopted and his home life seemed normal by most standards. On Pluto. And the children that Brad and Angelina have adopted, who by now I think could qualify as a municipal township, seem happy enough. I’d rather have my own children, but would certainly adopt as a last resort. I think the children who grow up to have healthy, happy lives as the result of adoptive parents far outnumber the horror stories we hear.

Dessert: Name 2 blue things.
The lake I am currently looking at. It’s beautiful and we’re putting the dock in tomorrow, so boating season will officially begin very soon. My skin after the dock is in and I emerge from said lake. Good God in Heaven, that is going to be a cold dip. But the boating must commence! Wish me luck.

Appetizer: Invent a new flower; give it a name and describe it.
The flower’s name would be Robaxibloom, and it would have magical back pain healing properties. I have been bed-ridden for most of this week, hence my lack of posts. About two hours after cleaning the garage on Sunday I developed an ache that has just gotten worse ever since and I think I’m going to have to hit the local ER soon if it doesn’t fade. It’s insane… and far worse than the pain from my official football back injury 16 years ago that kept me from playing for Wilfred Laurier/tying my own shoes for a month.

Soup: Name someone whom you think has a wonderful voice.
For singing and speaking my all time favorite is Dean martin. I have been honing a Dino impression for several years now and as a result have been paying a lot of attention to the little nuances. It’s like warm olive oil being poured over vanilla ice cream. And it sounds far better than it tastes.

Salad: On a scale of 1 to 10 how clean do you keep your car?
Inside, 9.5. Outside a 6 in the winter and a 9 in the summer. I keep it very clean as it’s the first decent car I’ve ever owned and I’d like to keep it looking pristine for as long as I have it. Plus, DNA evidence can really come back to haunt you.

Main Course: How do you feel about poetry?
Classic poetry, like the kind I had to read reams of in University, is wonderful stuff. Slam poetry is, in a word, retarded. I’d rather listen to Marc Smith writhing around in pain on a microphoned sheet of wax paper with a car battery attached to his nipples. Or Pearl Jam.

Dessert: What was the last person/place/thing you took a picture of?
My puppies, of course. They are very photogenic and I’m not going to force them upon my readers yet again. But, if you must know, they went to the vet this morning for their last immunization shot and are now allowed to visit dog parks, come with us into town, etc. They averaged about 12 pounds each and are nearly halfway to their full size and doghood. They met a beagle at the office today and seemed to really socialize well. I think we’ve got a pair of healthy, reasonably well adjusted pups on our hands. So far so good. Can you tell how much pain I am in by reading this dry white toast of a post? Must… get… horizontal…

Appetizer: What does the color dark green make you think of?
It’s one of my favorites so let’s see. Pine trees. Felt Octoberfest hats. One of my pullovers. Will Ferrel’s costume in Elf. Planet Earth. ‘Green‘ as an ecology concept. Being outside. If you’d asked me about pink we’d have been here all morning.

Soup: How many cousins do you have?
First cousins include Kathy, Rick, Reiner, Erynn, Thomas, Alexandra and Christopher. My second cousins are Darius, Seth, Jakob and Callie. Cousins I am close to who fall under other classifications are Jodi, Judy, Brent, Ben, Carter, Ian, Tina and Melanie. So that’s 19 that we know about.

Salad: Do you play any instruments? If so, what?
I have two guitars, acoustic and electric, and I’ve been playing on and off since I was 15. A few months ago I took them to a music store in Kingston to have them both fixed up and restrung. They sound better than ever and I even bought a new Marshall amp to keep the house rocking with breathtaking song. Alas, everyone returned to said house early this year, bringing a sudden end to the magic. I’ll move my little rock fantasy out to the Winchester when it warms up and I’m even trying to buy Gooch’s drum kit because Janet wants to learn to play. Pyetridge Family, anyone?

Main Course: Name something that is truly free.
Salads at the Olive Garden. A brake inspection with every oil change. Buffalo wings on tuesday nights. What have I missed? Help me out in the comments.

Dessert: Using the letters in the word SPRING, write a sentence.
Soiled Puppies Run Inside, Grimy.

Appetizer: Given the choice, would you prefer to live in the country or in the city?
The country, as long as there is a city within reasonable driving distance. Here in the sleepy town of Portland I have Ottawa an hour and fifteen minutes to the West and Kingston forty-five minutes to the East. South I have the Big Rideau. North I have Yeti and Sasquatch. As I eluded - I like a mix.

Soup: Who is the cutest kid you know?
I can’t possibly answer this question in public. I know many of cute kids and many of their parents read this blog. Some of them are even related to me. I’ve been looking for an excuse to make a very important announcement, so I guess this is the best chance I’m gonna get. Pay attention: Christopher Walken is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend.

Only Alec Baldwin is as consistently excellent a guest host. Oh wait, I just checked NBC.com and they’re re-running the Tina Fey episode from last month. Damn - must have been a last minute pull out like when Janet Jackson was replaced by Mariah last week. I’ve been watching all of the current season, as I always do, and let me tell you something. Remember you heard it here first, kids - SNL is funny again. Samberg, Hader and especially Kristen Wiig are pulling the show from the jaws of death. Amy Poehler and Fred Armisen have done their parts too. Last week’s episode which starred Jonah Hill was basically the Kristen Wiig show. She carried no less than 3 solid skits all by herself. In only 2.5 years she has established more recurring characters than most cast members ever manage. My favorite being the Target Lady which you can see above. If I hear one more person say “Well, I hear SNL isn’t funny anymore” who can not go on to name even one of the newer cast members… I will summarily beat them to death with a land shark.

Salad: Fill in the blank: I couldn’t believe it when I heard ___________.
DMX didn’t know who Barack Obama is.

Main Course: If you could star in a commercial for one of your favorite products, which one would you want to advertise?
I gave it some air time in my Greek recipe segment from earlier this week, but I’ve got to give some more props to my T-Fal indoor grill. That’s what I call it anyway. Officially it is known as the Excelio Comfort, and I’m a big fan. I decided to buy it because everytime we want to grill something on the BBQ my father gets involved and it turns into a mess. It’s one of his dementia-related fixations. As you can imagine, we don’t want him playing with fire. This way, we can grill things quietly in the kitchen and he never has to take his eyes off The Quiet Man.

Dessert: What type of vitamins or supplements do you take on a regular basis?
I take Emergen-C every morning. I currently have a box of orange and a box of tangerine which Lauren was nice enough to send me up from Boston for my birthday. It’s the Mom in her, no doubt. It’s tasty, delightfully sparkly and contains all kinds of things I’m not getting from poutine. The first person to ever give me E-C to try was my friend Bridget way back in 1999. You probably remember her as the alarmed and beautiful nutritionist in Super Size Me. What better a person to make the introduction. Although back then I think she was far more concerned about my McBeer intake then anything else.

Appetizer: On a scale of 1-10 how much do you like your own handwriting?
The only time I write in script / cursive is when I’m signing my name. The rest of the time I write in this all caps printing style and I really don’t know where it came from or when it started. It’s almost graffiti-esque and I can’t say I’m too proud of it. I’ve always held pens in a funny way which cramps up and eventually begins to hurt my hand after too long. As a result, in grade school they gave me a triangular rubber pad to pull over my pencil. Why did that just turn me on a little bit?

Soup: Do you prefer baths or showers?
I don’t think I’ve had a bath in about 20 years. Unless we’re talking about a more naughty sort of bath for naughty bath purposes. For daily maintenance I’m a shower person all the way. This came up just last night, actually. The lake house has 3 bathrooms, 2 showers and no bathtubs. Janet is beside herself and I think one of the summer projects for 2008 will be putting one in if she has anything to say about it. Or wants to pay for it. I still have a lot of work left to do on the Winchester, and the only bath-type-thingy I’m interested in installing is a hot tub on the back deck. Oh yes… Jim and I are already talking about the schematics. That came out wrong.

Salad: What was the last bad movie you watched?
You know me - “bad movie” is a very relative term. Do you mean a guilty pleasure that is admittedly bad yet I still enjoy it immensely? Or a flick I simply can’t get behind no matter how hard I might try? Jason, Amy and Marj are coming up this weekend, so I’ve been waiting till then to watch my newly acquired copy of Semi-Pro. It’s no Citizen Kane but I’m sure I’ll lap it up. For the other side of the coin I’ll mention Altered States. I love William Hurt and I picked this DVD up in the bargain bin at a local supermarket recently for $4.99. It wasn’t half as good as I remember it but I think that’s more accurately categorized as a bad movie that I actually concede is a bad movie.

Main Course: Name something you are addicted to. How does it affect your life?
I think this is probably a fairly popular answer, especially among people like me who are obviously in deep denial, but the only thing I think I’m truly addicted to is music. And it affects my life in a very positive way. It will change a mood, evoke a memory, make a long drive more bearable… I had a long haul to Ottawa and back earlier this week, for example. When I hit Roger Stevens and realized I still had at least another hour before I made it home I sighed like a sissy, having already spent close to 3 hours in the car. Then the best driving song in human history shuffled onto my iPod and there was no where I’d have rather been than behind the wheel of the HMS Pye.

Dessert: Which instrument is your favorite to listen to?
Bagpipes, and there’s nee a wee debate needed there, laddie. My maternal Grandfather, Jimmy Smith, was from Wishaw and I first heard the lovely sound growing up when I’d go to visit him. The pipes are very, very difficult to learn to play and are almost primative in form and function - but there are fewer more beautiful sonic events on planet Earth. I will miss being in Boston this Monday, where I would have undoubtedly been standing in The Field when the Police Pipers come in as I have been on St. Paddy’s past. By the end of their set there’s narry a dry eye in the house.

I think that’s why I’ve always loved Big Country so much. Long before he hung himself in a Hawaii hotel room, Stuart Adamson could make his guitar sound like a set of bagpipes wailing away on a moor somewhere. Like a banshee predicting his sad end, perhaps. The clip I’ve included above is a great example of his extremely unique Scottish style. Listen to just the first 33 seconds to see what I mean, if you so desire. Actually, forget the banshee. The red bandana tied around his neck is probably better foreshadowing.

Appetizer: If you could be any current celebrity for one week, who would you be?
Rachel Weisz’s husband isn’t really a celebrity, but if he were - that would be my answer. Because I’d cherish a week’s worth of long conversations about my feelings with her. From behind.

Soup: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy talking on the phone?
We’re looking at about a 2. I am a very social person, and I could sell ice to Eskimos, but if I don’t absolutely have to be on the phone - I’m not. I hate long voice mail messages - “Hi, this is Steve and I’ve just called you as you could have probably just seen by looking at your caller ID. Anyway, so I’m calling you and you can call me back if you want. Or don’t - maybe you’re busy or sleeping or something. Anyway…” Kill yourself. Nor do I like calling someone, getting their voice mail and then having to listen to the same sort of blather - “Hi, you’ve reached Steve at 555-4455, which you might already know because you just dialed it, and I’m not here to take your call right now. Look, I’m sorry I missed your call because talking incessantly on the phone like a 14 year-old girl is what I live for. Please leave your name, number and a short message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done recording my voice mail message that you listen to before you leave yours and which I change hourly.” YOU leave a short message, frigtard. And kill yourself. I changed it a year ago for business reasons, but I still pat myself on the back for coming up with the greatest voice mail message in human history. It went: “Thank you for calling Dave. If you don’t know what to do when you hear the beep you probably shouldn’t be using a telephone.” Feel free to use that. Please.

Salad: Name a charitable organization to which you have donated.
I used to donate to the Boston Humane Society every year. The address stickers they’d send me adorned with puppies and kittens were just a bonus. I’ll find a similar animal charity to get involved with up here, although I might just start my own at the rate my own squirmy wormies are ravaging my wallet. Janet made a comment this morning about how cute their little grunts are, and we always talk about how they are incapable of not picking up any loose item they come across, be it a stone, piece of paper, human toe, etc. I then announced with an unnaturally straight face that if the puppies ever started a band, it would be called Grunters and Collectors. Come on, that’s funny.

Main Course: What’s a food you like so much you could eat it every day for a month?
A month? Come on, let’s make this interesting. I could eat feta cheese every day for… a life. And incidentally I do. Was there a Greek shepherd 600 years ago who sat milking a goat on a hillside in Crete, chuckling to himself about the addiction he was about to unleash? I liken it to the early settlers bringing whiskey to the Native Americans. Maybe I’ll start a goat cheese support group. “Hi, my name is Dave and I’m a fetaholic.” “Hi Dave.” “It all started when my father first took me to Molivos in Montreal circa 1984…”

Dessert: Have you or anyone in your family had the flu this year?
We’ve been a little busy with the cancer and the Alzheimer’s, thank you very much. Was I whining there? It’s better than self-mutilation with a snowblower - which was the alternative. Remember, what you’re reading is an “outlet”. On the issue of health - I bought a ridiculously powerful and expensive juicer last week and have been atomizing carrots, apples and oranges at a dizzying pace ever since. The intake is wide enough to take in a whole apple at a time and the motor sounds like a Harrier Jump Jet. I am getting my mother and father onto the regime as well in the hopes it will aid in their various maladies. I predict I’ll be crazier than Jay Kordich on bathtub amphetamines within a month.

Let’s get our little community back, kids. Answer these questions yourselves in the comments.

Appetizer: Who was the last person you hugged?
My father when he arrived yesterday. Shepherd was nipping excitedly at his feet the whole time and my father pointed at him and said “What’s that cat’s name?” I replied, “His name is Shepherd Pye, he’s a dog and he’s also your Grandson”. “Oh!” he replied and laughed. Dad thinks the puppies are hilarious, and Mom is genuinely crazy about them. I knew in my bones that having the whelps here would be good for both of them, and if yesterday was any indication - I was right.

Soup: Share a beauty or grooming trick or tip with us.
Don’t wait until someone remarks upon them to trim your nose hairs. We’re all getting older, boys.

Salad: What does the color yellow make you think of?
The first new Volkswagen I ever rode in. Incidentally, it was the very first one ever in England. Omar, one of the slightly dodgy “car dealers” who used to hang out at the Hinds Head, took me for a spin. Much to the chagrin of everyone else in the pub who wanted a ride as well. Or, more likely, for me to serve them another pint. Those guys were great when they weren’t hitting on my girlfriend.

Main Course: If you were to make your living as a photographer, what subject would your pictures revolve around?
I saw a book once of 19th century crime scene photos which I really dug. I leafed through the whole thing right in the store. Short of building a time machine that wouldn’t work, but my answer would have to be something as equally fascinating for me. So, in a word, porn.

Dessert: What was the longest book you ever read?
The third to last book I read, Brother Fish, took me months to finish. At 800 pages it’s on the long side, but it’s hardly the Winds of War. I just wasn’t into reading that much over the summer. I’m on a Canadian history kick at the moment, and am currently reading National Dreams - the thesis of which is that many Canadian Myths are just that. The valor of the RCMP, the CPR as a nation building catalyst, the ideology of the canoe, etc. I’m enjoying the heck out of it but it’s very lefty and almost facetious in the way it strives to break down absolutely everything this country holds dear and I’m keeping that well in mind. I went to high school in the States so I have a lot to learn in terms of the Great White North’s past.

I’ve been meaning to write a few vignette type blurbs about some of the interesting experiences I’ve had whilst living in a trailer park for the last two weeks. As my time is fairly limited at the moment, I’m going to try and kill that bird and the Quizzlet bird with one stone today. Let’s see if I can spin these questions my way…

Appetizer: What is your favorite beverage?
Definitely water of the bottled variety. There are 4 types of water I have recently become intimately acquainted with while living in Wickham Park. Bottled water is self explanatory. Grey water is what ends up stored in the trailer via the sinks and shower. Black water is what they call the trailer sewage, pumped out every Monday by the infamous Honey Wagon - however the more able-bodied residents use the public washroom/laundry building which all the trailers encircle for ‘number twos’. The fourth type of water is the kind which shuts off for two days and forces masses of senior citizens to build pyramids in said washroom building like ancient Egyptians.

Home Sweet Home

Soup: Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
My father’s Captain Teague doll, which spouts a variety of piratey sayings voiced by Keith Richards when its motion detector is tripped, sits on the table I have commandeered as a desk. “It’s not about living forever. It’s about living with yourself forever” is what I’m greeted with every time I get up to put the cat on or off his leash. Every day I move it somewhere else, and every day it miraculously returns to haunt me. I feel like I’ve been living in this trailer forever and am craving the space, comfy bed and even the temperature of home. “It’s not about living in the trailer forever. It’s about… OK you’re right. Keep the rum.”

Salad: On a scale of 1-10 (10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
Every evening there is a moveable feast of sorts, with all of my parent’s friends gathering in lawn chairs for drinks in front of one trailer or another. One of the friendlier residents, who is teaching me how to play Frisbee golf next week, is a Civil War re-enactor with a little penchant for booze. The other night he mixed up vodka with some sort of coffee energy drink and was passing it around. “It’s not bad,” I said, “but you’ll want to try my Mudslides sometime.” I may regret making that statement, as I have been conscripted by the North to make ’slides for the whole park tonight and I have to head out soon to get the fixings. Thank goodness the liquor is so cheap in Florida. Where does the honesty factor in to it, you ask? I told them they weren’t too strong (senior citizens, remember). That statement alone knocks me right down to a 7.

Main Course: If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
Wickham Park is in a city called Melbourne which is an hour away from Orlando where I fly in and out of. It’s a myriad of strip malls, palm trees and homeless people on bikes. I have, however, enjoyed the Mexican food which is in short supply in Ottawa. Everyone says “y’all” and I have been reminded that Florida is indeed part of the American South, although people don’t often consider it in that category due to all the tourism and Latin American influence. There’s an Airstream trailer near ours with both a classic Confederate flag and the “Don’t Tread on Me” version flying high off the top. Most of the folks in the park have been in the military, and one fellow was a substitute teacher at both Concord Carlisle and Acton Boxborough whom Janet claims to remember. I’m rambling here, but a reasonable spin. I guess I’d rename it Peacockton, based on a recent event I captured on video and will be editing into a clip to post here over the weekend.

Dessert: What stresses you out? What calms you down?
I have to get back to work: Venemous caterpillar warnings / Mudslides.

Appetizer: What is your middle name? Would you change any it if you could?
My middle name is James after my Grandfather Jimmy Smith. Not to be confused with Jimmy Smits who is far too young and hispanic to be my Grandfather. Jimmy Smith was born in Scotland and I spent most of my youth following him around and aping his accent - which probably explains a lot regarding my propencity for mimicry. And scotch.

Soup: If you were a designer, which fabrics, colors, and styles would you use the most?
I am a big fan of forest green, cobalt blue and not being gay. In terms of a style I think I’d be leaning towards metro-sexual pirate. “Avast, me hearties! Can I borrow a flask of rum and two fingers of product fer me fookin’ beard?”

Salad: What is your least favorite chore, and why?
I find that changing bed sheets requires an insane amount of effort. Especially if you use the same set over and over. Or frequently piss the bed. Stripping the mattress is quick enough, washing and drying is fairly automatic. It’s putting the whole thing together that takes the most time. Then you have to pull the bed out from the wall, flip the mattress so you can sleep on the dry side and sprinkle more lime on the dead hooker under the boxspring - it’s quite a chore, to be fair.

Main Course: What is something that frightens you? Can you trace it back to a life event?
Even now I do not like swimming in the ocean. I have never been a big beach person but to actually submerge myself in the open sea is something I might do once a summer. In terms of an determining event I’ll say what everyone else probably does - repeated viewings of Jaws as a child. And the fact that I was drowned as a witch in one of my former lives.

Dessert: Where are you sitting right now? Name 3 things you can see at this moment.
I am sitting at a makeshift desk in my parent’s trailer. Dad is to my right watching the first season of SNL on DVD (a present from me, obviously). The hockey fights DVD is probably going to be next. I can see the picnic table outside where I plan to sit tonight, have a beer and play LOTRO after the sun sets. That’s wicked nerdy, I know, but I’m on Dad-duty this week and as crazy as it sounds even I can only watch so many Bond films. Finally I see one of the park peacocks strutting around the lake next to our trailer. This is definitely a strange little universe I’ve found myself in that I will try to relay in future posts. Happy Friday, y’all!

Appetizer: What was the last game you purchased?
Janet and I bought my Dad a Nintendo DS a year ago so he could play memory and brain exercise games, of which there are quite a few. After he showed little interest in the thing, and my Mom started commandeering it for a crossword game, I decided to see what else was available. Since then I have picked up hockey, football, best of Konami and golf games and some of them are quite fun. I also recently learned about a project which allows you to download and play free, pirated ROMS for the thing - which I may or may not do (insert Terrence Maddox wink here). Last week in Walmart I found a game entitled My French Tutor which I scooped up and played with on the plane to Florida. It’s surprisingly good, great for individual word memorization if nothing else and if you follow the last link you’ll find an objective and in-depth review that will have you dropping croissant crumbs all over the tiny screen in no time. Or something.

Soup: Name something in which you don’t believe.
It’s a toss up between Santa and Superman at the moment. Although I really want the new Blade Runner 5 Disc Ultimate Collector’s Edition, so I should tread carefully. This Amazon description sounds like the coolest DVD box set thingy in human history:

“In celebration of Blade Runner’s 25th anniversary, director Ridley Scott has gone back into post production to create the long-awaited definitive new version. Blade Runner: The Final Cut, spectacularly restored and remastered from original elements and scanned at 4K resolution, will contain never-before-seen added/extended scenes, added lines, new and improved special effects, director and filmmaker commentary, an all-new 5.1 Dolby® Digital audio track and more. Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Edward James Olmos, Joanna Cassidy, Sean Young, and Daryl Hannah are among some 80 stars, filmmakers and others who participate in the extensive bonus features. Among the bonus material highlights is Dangerous Days, a brand new, three-and-a-half-hour documentary by award-winning DVD producer Charles de Lauzirika, with an extensive look into every aspect of the film: its literary genesis, its challenging production and its controversial legacy. The definitive documentary to accompany the definitive film version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvkqEOcHFY8

The Ultimate Collector’s Edition will be presented in a unique 5-disc digi-package with handle which is a stylish version of Rick Deckard’s own briefcase. In addition, each briefcase will be individually numbered and in limited supply. Included is a lenticular motion film clip from the original feature, miniature origami unicorn figurine, miniature replica spinner car, and collector’s photographs, as well as a signed personal letter from Sir Ridley Scott”

Salad: If you could choose a celebrity to be your boss, who would you pick?
He’s sort of like marmite or anchovies in that you either love him or you hate him - but I think the world of Gordon Ramsey. It’s not so much his cooking canon and repertoire, that’s not really up for debate. It’s the no-nonsense, brutal tough love approach to seriously effective business advice that he brings to flailing restaurants in the “Kitchen Nightmares” series. If you know him only from screaming at French kitchen porters or a fat guy named Dewberry from the English and American versions of Hell’s Kitchen - then you’re probably right in assuming he’s an arrogant, narcicisstic prick. If you’ve seen the amazing way in which he can completely transform and save a business on Nightmares - from staff motivation to getting owner’s heads out of the clouds to wedding favors to deep cleanings to simplifying the menu to even decorating the bloody dining room - he is incredibly saavy, genuine and brilliant. “Do you know that, big boy?” On one episode of the English series two (I have been watching Ramsey’s shows for almost a decade), I was thrilled to see him take one of the owners to The Fat Duck in Bray. The restaurant has gone on to international acclaim and celebrity chef status for the owner, Heston Blumenthal, but it started as a little out of the way place which just happens to be located beside the pub I worked at for two years in the late 90s. Heston even bought the Hinds Head a couple of years ago and I have written about him before. The original Hinds Head website was the first site I ever built back in 1998, and my then girlfriend and I were one of the first people to eat at the Duck which was voted Restaurant of the Year in 2001 by Michelin - and if you know anything about the international restaurant game - that’s like winning best director, actor and film oscars for the same flick. Anyway, I pick Gordon Ramsey. “Have I gone soft in the fucking head, or summink?” No, just the midsection.

Main Course: What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?
Don’t watch my father’s dirty movies when he goes for a motorcycle ride. Because the motorcycle might start making a funny noise forcing him to come home 4 hours early as a result. I remember that day, and look at him now, and it’s a complete mindfuck.

Dessert: Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.
One which features walls made of opium and contains furniture fashioned from Macadamia nuts. There’s a TV playing one of those fish tank DVDs and some sunglasses which double as x-ray specs. The only noise is generated by the subtle grunts coming from the Swedish Women’s Volleyball Team as they repeatedly touch their toes in front of me. Every hour on the hour they break to make me a very large sandwich. This is going nowhere, fast. Good luck with your last minute Christmas gift getting and all that good stuff.

Appetizer: What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?
Rollercoasters are great and everything, but the rides I remember most fondly from childhood is the old 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride at Disneyland in Florida. It’s been gone since the early nineties, now replaced by Ariel’s Cavern or some silly thing. It’s not even a ride, apparently. I bemoaned the loss of this excellent attraction, based on first live action movie Disney ever did which in turn is based on the Jules Verne novel, at length in a post a couple of years ago that still hold a lot of water, no pun intended. OK… maybe a little pun. My original 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Ride article seems to be missing at the moment so check out the following video for more information on this once mighty giant squid extravaganza.

Soup: How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?
With humor, of course. Diffusing tense situations is probably why humor was invented in the first place. There’s a hidden camera show on MTV called Boiling Points where actors put unsuspecting civilians in ridiculous situations that are designed to infuriate them. A waiter who farts and puts his thumb in their coke, a creepy guy who follows you around a flea market, A guy steals your coffee off the counter and an employee who won’t give you another unless you pay again - you get the picture. If the target of the bit keeps their cool for a certain number of minutes they win $100 when the caper is finally revealed. I enjoy watching this show because so many of the victims get insanely angry that it’s refreshing and impressive when one of them starts making light of the situation and looks for the funny side. Realizes the ridiculousness of the situation and pokes fun at the actors, etc. These are the sorts of people I’d want to have a beer with. Most people suck.

Salad: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?
I’d say it’s a solid 3. If you seek out conversations of that sort, you’re either a priest, a physicist, a shaman or a pretentious asshole. I’ve never been a big fan of recreational drugs,but there was that one time when a big old bag of magic mushrooms found its way into my dorm. There were many deep, philosophical conversations taking place that weekend, I can tell you. Come Monday, I don’t think any of us could remember or care less about a single one of them, and that says it all for me right there.

Main Course: Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?
I’ve had my annual dose of excruciating strep throat all ready this year, thanks. And I’ll be very surprised if I get laid up with anything again. The small extent to which I get sick was always a big disappointment as a child. I once tried to pull off the E.T. thermometer against the light bulb trick which my mother caught on to in a matter of seconds. “According to the thermometer, you’re… on the surface of the sun right now, or Satan”. My poor diet may be my undoing this winter, however. I am keeping healthy eating in mind when I shop and prepare meals, but it’s just no fun to put a lot of effort into cooking when you’re alone. I’ll take another Velveeta slice covered in sub sauce in hand and maybe get around to something a little more complicated, like Kraft Dinner, tomorrow.

Dessert: Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?
Technically at the moment, a shitload. The TV keeps me company in the background all day every day while I work. Considering I haven’t watched a lick of TV for the 5 months prior, I’m not losing any sleep over my recent saturation. I think I’ll devote an article soon to all the interesting crap I’ve discovered. You can also check out my recent bad movies and reality TV posts which go down the same road. Yeah, quizzlet. I’m brushing you off. I have a 4 hour drive ahead of me today. I’m looking out the window right now, and I feel like I’ve just come out the backside of the Wardrobe. Thank goodness my snow tires were put on yesterday.

Appetizer: What was your first “real” job?
When my family moved down to Massachusetts in 1988 it was at the very beginning of the summer holiday. I had no friends, nothing to do around the house and a father who grew up hard and had worked since he was old enough to walk. It wasn’t long before I was gently “encouraged” to find myself a job. I started working at the Concord Stop N’ Shop and actually kind of enjoyed it. I met Doug DeRome, who was older than me but would go on to be a friend through high school and beyond, and he taught me everything I needed to know about taggin’, stackin’ and stockin’. The manager called me into his office one day and told me he had checked with the head office and since I didn’t have a proper green card they had to let me go. “When you get permission to work in the States I’ll hire you back in a second.” It was all babysitting, snow shoveling, grass cutting and landscaping after that until I got my proper papers courtesy of Digital 2 years later. Needless to say, I did not go back to being a grocery clerk but instead started working in the service industry which would help put me through University and become a big part of my life for the next decade.

Soup: Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?
Short of an opium den, I find blog memes like this very Friday’s Feast content-inspiring. A little prod can really open the floodgates and get you writing. I’d much rather have a proper muse, though. Albert Brooks had Sharon Stone running around naked in his guest house. Dudley Moore had Bo Derek. Damon Albarn had Justine Frischmann. John Lennon had Yoko O… scratch that last one. So basically, a hot and most certainly scantily clad woman running around the house repeating “You’re not getting any of this fat ass until you finish one more song/chapter/painting.”

Salad: Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…
People whom I respect want to discuss their opinions with me which, unbeknownst to them, I vehemently disagree with. My embarrassment doesn’t stem from feeling sorry for them - it’s nowhere near that simple or shallow. Rather, I feel uneasy because I have to ask myself: Am I getting something wrong? Do they know something I don’t? Am I ignorant, foolish or poorly read on this topic? If they’ve touched on an issue I feel strongly about, and I am confident in my knowledge of and ability to argue for it, I become uneasy because I’m then torn between keeping my mouth shut and avoiding a silly debate I’ve had a million times before with a million people before or nodding my head in faux-agreement like a eunuch and saying something like: “You’re right. Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11“. I am embarrassed for having the audacity to think I know more about something than somebody else - when neither of us, short of reading a newspaper, have any divine source of intelligence on the matter. All you can do is keep reading those newspapers and put yourself in check when you’re simply repeating someone else’s dead horse rhetoric over flat beer. Stay current, and above all else discern unique, personal insight from the party line. If more people questioned their perception of reality on a daily basis, allowed themselves to feel a degree of embarrassment and always considered both sides of the coin instead of settling into a comfortable viewpoint that will never change - we’d all be a lot closer to a tolerable, excuse me, tolerant planet.

Main Course: What values did your parents instill in you?
For reasons I’ll probably never fully understand, my father had an incredible hatred of thieves. He went out of his way to hammer this into me (literally), and to this day I can honestly say I’ve never stolen anything - save for maybe a pack of gum when I was 13 and trying to be cool. But even that is a fuzzy memory that I’m unsure really happened. My father spent a good part of his youth pulling my Grandfather out of gambling dens and bars until he eventually died when Gordo was only 13. Pop then dropped out of school to help take care of his Mother and 3 siblings. Now that I see my extended Canadian family frequently I am learning more and more about the father I am quickly losing. I’ve long since forgiven him for any and all of his parental missteps over the years, should he care. He did a great job in spite of severe emotional disadvantages I can only imagine.

Dessert: Name 3 fads from your teenage years.
Here’s a fun one. This is hard to pinpoint or rank, so I’ll perform a brain-dump and hope it comes out kinda legible. Manchester music, definitely. So much of my Junior and Senior years revolved around a culture, city, record label and nightclub that was 3,000 miles away. Odd in retrospect, but then so is the fact that I still listen to and love all of those bands to this day. Tecmo Bowl was insanely popular and I spent many hours sending Bo Jackson up the middle of the gridiron with his four available running and passing plays when I was supposed to be studying. Mike Tyson’s Punch Out ran a close second. Concert t-shirts - I couldn’t get enough of them. Sometimes I think I went to concerts just so I could get a t-shirt and then wear it around school the next day. “Yeah, that’s right. I was at the Divinyls show last night. Jealous?”

Appetizer: When was the last time you were surprised?
I don’t really remember anything majorly surprisingly important. The last six months have been a bit of a trail. How about a couple of baby ones from yesterday? I am surprised at how good the new Radiohead album is. I have been listening to it non-stop for the last 24 waking hours. I was also very pleasantly surprised to learn that Simon Pegg has been cast as Scotty in the upcoming re-imagined Star Trek movies due to be released in late 2008. Scotty of the Dead, if you like. Kirk: “Scotty! I need more power. If you can’t charge the dilithium crystals and get us away from the Romulan fleet - we’re all doomed!” Scotty: “Yeaaaaaah… It’s not looking good, mate. Winchester?”

Soup: Fill in the blanks: My eyes are ____, but I wish they were ____.
My eyes are brown, but I wish they were x-ray capable and that I was standing outside Cate Blanchett’s house watching her take a shower on the 3rd floor whilst smearing Cheez Whiz on my naked chest and crying. You see why I hate these fill in the blanks questions? Because everyone always says the exact same thing.

Salad: If you were a Beanie Baby, what would you look like and what would your name be?
I don’t know much about Beanie Babies, so I had to do a little research prior to answering this question. OK - I am struggling a bit with this one. How about a dirty looking bird with plague spots all over it named “Poxy the Pidgeon? Or a new spin on the tie-dyed “Garcia the Bear” called “Pigpen the Dead from a Gastrointestinal Hemorrhage… Bear”? I am in the wrong line of work.

Main Course: Name two things you consistently do that you consider to be healthy habits.
I drink a ton of water everyday. At least 3 liters on average. I also make sure I eat a salad every night at dinner. The exercising is definitely not “consistent” per se, unfortunately. Other than those, it’s all liquor, beef jerky and unprotected sodomy over here.

Dessert: What brand of toothpaste are you using these days? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I don’t think we’re especially supposed to like the taste of toothpaste, are we? Brushing your teeth is a critical component of a reasonable personal hygiene regimen - not a fucking Pop Rocks and Coke party. It helps a little if you think of the process as self-flagellation… like the fat bald monk in The Name of the Rose. It kinda friggin’ sucks, but you have to keep it up daily or you’re going to hell, the dentist or both. How about some new flavors to make brushing a true act of churchy self-sacrifice? Body of Christ Blue Stripe - now with extra fluoride and glass.

Appetizer: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you look forward to your birthday?
As you get older, you really stop caring. You start to look forward to not having anyone mark the occasion as much as you used to tearing the paper off a Han Solo figure. Click that link, by the way. I found that in my Grandmother’s closet while cleaning out her house this summer and it’s in pristine condition and worth about $500 on eBay because of the bilingual packaging and the fact that it’s the original 1977 model with the big head before they redid it to look like Harrison Ford. So yeah, birthdays. Don’t really care that much anymore.

Soup: What is one word you don’t like the sound, spelling, or meaning of?
There are three words that have recently made it on to my peeve list, and this is as good a time as any to mention them. The first word isn’t really a word. It’s “Hmmmm…” after you answer a question someone has asked you. As in “Yes, that is how I feel about this political issue, thank you for asking” followed by a “Hmmmm…” from the inquisitor. It’s patronizing, regardless of what the topic of conversation is - and it drives me around the bend. The second word is used in the exact same way and circumstance. “Interesting”. Both are cop outs used by people that think they don’t like what you’ve just told them, and want you to know it, but have no mental ammo to back anything they take issue with up. Fuck off, all of you. The third word that I hate is “passionate”. “What are you passionate about?” What kills me is that people think this is such a cerebral, first date sort of a question. “What are you passionate about?” “Paying the check and getting the hell away from you, you hideous witch.”

Salad: Do you wear sunglasses when you’re outside? If so, what does your current pair look like?
I have a nice pair which I keep in my car, and about 4 other passable, gas-station P.O.S. pairs that I take with me as I’m very prone to losing them. As I’m not currently… Elton John… my sunglasses look like sunglasses.

Main Course: If you were to write a book, to whom would you dedicate it?
Probably my Mother, who has been telling me I was born to be a children’s author for years. I took a stab at developing an idea online a few years ago, and I’m still not sure it’s a bad one. For now it sits neglected on the web amongst the bones of 30 other half-baked ideas. It tends to get a lot of traffic at Halloween, though. Probably by parents trying to scare their kids straight because they think I’m on hard drugs for basing a kids’ character on Frank Sinatra.

Dessert: Name a beverage that you enjoy.
I’m drinking a lot more milk these days. In Canada, they sell milk in bags that you then bring home and plop into a plastic holder with a handle. Then you snip one of the top corners off using a little magnet knife kept stuck to the fridge. Every Canadian household has one, and mine is yellow. It’s cheaper, you get more and I love it. Look at the big bones on Dave, everyone.

Appetizer: When was the last time you visited a hospital?
I have been to my Grandmother’s nursing home many times over the summer which is quite like a hospital. In the last 12 months I’ve also broken and split my nose (December) and sliced my eyeball (June) so I’m no stranger to the real deal, either. Check back with me in a month when I’m due to have absentmindedly removed my right testicle with a dull soup spoon.

Soup: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you?
I’m a 10 - in the sense that I want a jetski, I want an apartment in Toronto, I want a castle in Scotland - it’s doing anything about it that’s the problem. Like working in the middle of a weekday instead of writing in your blog, for a practical example.

Salad: Make a sentence using the letters of a body part.
Every afternoon Ronald drives ’round Underhill Moor, mullered.

Main Course: If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter and name be?
I have been invited by my dog breeder to join the Ottawa Boston Terrier club. I’m seriously considering it, and I reckon that will take up all of my free club time for the foreseeable future. But, if I must answer - You are welcome to visit my Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull group on FaceBook. And then to never speak to me again. I’ll understand.

Dessert: What color is the carpet/flooring in your home?
Way to cut right to the heart of my soul, quizzlet. It’s mostly light hardwood with a few throw rugs… thrown around for good measure. Our house is only 3 years old so it’s still rocking the lovely new planks we laid down when it was built.

Appetizer: Using only one word, how does grocery shopping make you feel?
Poor. I can’t remember the last time I got out of there having spent less than $200. Then you get home, you start unpacking your loot and you think - 200 bucks for hummus and fishnet stockings? And then there’s the old “don’t shop hungry” adage. It’s so true. Your carefully crafted shopping list contains rice, vegetables and skinless chicken breasts - and you end up eating Ding Dongs and Bagel Bites for the next few weeks. Or sitting naked cross-legged on the kitchen floor at 3am rubbing chocolate syrup on your chest and crying.

Soup: What is your favorite part about the season of Autumn?
It’s my very favorite season, so to pick one facet is difficult. I love the cool weather and the leaf peeping. Halloween costume discounts are always a good score, as is bobbing for apples in a barrel of mentholated schnapps and using chocolate rice crispie balls instead of apples. I think I need to go shopping. Football starts up again and people everywhere breathe a sigh of relief that they no longer have to worry about how they look in a bikini. Maybe that’s just me. The ridiculous summer movie CGI-fest comes to a close, the Oscar race begins and all the DVD-quality screeners released to the Academy end up online for me to download. Happy, nerdy, days are here again.

Salad: Have you ever had any bad experiences online?
Someone started posting ridiculous things on this blog a couple of years ago. It was scary in the sense that she must have literally sat and watched the site all day. As soon as I’d remove one of her comments, another one would pop back up. They were all to the tune of “Dave is on Match.com” and “I wonder if all Dave’s readers know he does online dating”, etc. I have to assume it was a woman scorned - but when I was doing the online thing I was always very nice - even when it became apparent at the door of the Starbucks that the photo I’d been sent was from 9 years, 27 pounds and a sex change ago. I guess my mother raised me right. I finally answered her with a comment of my own, where I explained that my family read the blog and I had no idea what I’d done to attract her scorn and to please stop. And she did. I threw around the words “crazy” and “insane” a few times in the aforementioned note, and I think I must have hit a nerve. That is the risk you run when you put yourself out there. We don’t even need to get into the time I was nearly lynched in the North End.

Main Course: Name three things that make you happy daily.
For the first time in my life I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, professionally. I fell into it, the flexibility has allowed me to help handle some major family issues and I don’t scramble to pay bills anymore. Second would be music. I love it, it fascinates me, there’s always great new material in addition to my old favorites. Happiness is definitely racing along a backroad blaring Pixies in the Charger. And I recently discovered that my ipod adapter also plugs into the stereo on our boat. That was a very special day. Third I’d say… the medication.

Dessert: What one household cleansing or organizing item would you not want to be without?
This question is rather timely, as my mother and I are currently in a battle of wills over how the lakehouse should be cleaned. She wipes things down, even in the kitchen or the bathroom, with water. When she does use a cleaner, it’s this orange stuff that leaves a greasy, soapy residue. I am a disciple of alcohol-based cleaning products. Give me a bottle of Glass Plus, and I can make magic happen in a Civil War hospital tent. She refuses to get any so I’ve added it to my own shopping list. I love my Mother dearly, but she’s about 2 days away from being given the title “Friend of the Fruitfly”. Forget Mendel - Bonnie could breed fruitflies in the airlock of a space shuttle.

Appetizer: What are you proud of?
I am proud of my mother who beat a very serious illness last year. I hesitate to talk about it for fear I will somehow jinx her health, but it’s the truth. She quietly and bravely dealt with the painful treatment for months, and it’s all just a bad memory at this point. That situation was a big factor in my deciding to move back, and it remains inspirational.

Soup: What is the best thing you’ve ever won as a prize?
I’m sure you all remember the rap group 3rd Bass with great fanatical fondness. Their first album, which featured Gas Face, was called The Cactus Album. The Newbury Comics in Framingham had a contest - come to the store and enter your name to win a real cactus. A few weeks later, I got a call from some record company stoolie telling me I’d won. We drove back to the store and picked up the 4 foot tall cactus which was worth about $100. I had it for about 4 years until it died. At the time, I was quite psyched.

Salad: Name something you do that is a waste of time.
Anything that doesn’t make money is technically a waste of time. Jeepers, take your pick. Watch TV and movies, sleep, eat, go outside. It really depends on your definition. For example, if you are a birthday party clown for hire, making balloon animals is definitely not a waste of time. Otherwise, you’re going to make me a little uncomfortable.

Main Course: In what year of your life did you change the most?
I predict it will be this year, post move. Nothing has changed much in the last seven, which is part of the problem. Check in with me mid-May, quizzlet. And then there was the sex change.

Dessert: Where is a place you consider to be very tranquil?
The end of my parent’s dock in Portland, Ontario. I expect I will spend a lot of time there over the next several months. I plan on getting my boat license and possibly buying a jetski. I am getting aroused just thinking about it all. Maybe I’ll just rent a truck this afternoon.

Appetizer: Where on your body do you have a scar, and what caused it?
This could take a while. There is the obligatory male chin scar which was the result of me passing out in a bathroom and jamming my jaw on the floor. I wish there was a better story behind that - I got out of the tub too fast when I was 13 and all the blood rushed to my feet. I fainted like an old woman who’d just been flashed by John Holmes. My dad bashing in the door was pretty cool though. There are many others which I’ll save, since the quizzlet tends to repeat itself.

Soup: What is something that has happened to you that you’d consider a miracle?
Life has been good so far, but I can’t say I’ve experienced a bona fide miracle yet. I turned $20 into a 1.5 litre bottle of wine once.

Salad: Name a television personality who really gets on your nerves.
Al Franken. I really hate it when celebs befoul everything they have ever done, work-wise, to get political. At least in my mind. You’re not helping, nobody cares, and I’d prefer to remember you as an effeminate 12-step junkie. Likewise, anyone who appeared in Rocky Horror shouldn’t be attempting to spearhead an anti war movement. It’s just boils down to a credibility issue. Dammit, Janet.

Main Course: Name a funny word you said as a child (”pasketti” for “spaghetti”)?
I don’t think I had any and my mother isn’t here to ask. I’ll go with “dontouchmedere”.

Dessert: Fill in the blank: I have always thought ______ was ______.
I have always thought Abraham Lincoln was dead.

The Quizzlet was another repeat today. I wish she wouldn’t do that so often. Perhaps I should start my own quiz meme site. I’ll get in a little practice and write my own questions today. Please feel free to play along in the comments.

What will you miss most about Boston if you ever actually leave?
Not counting friends, narry a whole heck of a lot. If that were a different story, I probably wouldn’t be leaving in the first place. I won’t be sitting in my apartment in Toronto weeping and working on an oil painting of the Charlestown skyline - let’s put it that way.

What is your favorite television show? Pay TV doesn’t count.
The second season of the brilliant Life on Mars started last week, and I’ve downloaded the first 2 episodes, as I recommend you do here. If you don’t fall in love with Gene Hunt and Sam Tyler after an hour, “I’ll come around your houses and stamp on all your toys. Got it? Good kids”. The Trailer Park Boys Movie is now out on DVD, too.

What profession do you wish you’d taken up instead of your current one?
Take it easy, James Lipton. I should have become a homicide detective. All I do in my spare time is watch reality cop shows, and I would love to clock in every day tasked with catching lazy, murderous scumbags. Coincidentally, that’s also the new name of my garage band.

Are there any hardcore Democrats in the audience who feel like their party is completely screwing the pooch in terms of selecting a candidate for 2008?
I’d love to see a woman in the presidency some day. I’d love to see a black person in the presidency some day. Hell - let’s just blow everyone’s mind and elect Tyra Banks. But let’s also be realistic and keep the endgame in mind - this isn’t the decade. The country isn’t ready for it yet. Short of running a unicorn or one of those hairdo trolls that you put on the end of a pencil, the Dems are going to have to come back down to Earth if they want to stand a ghost of a chance next year. Am I wrong?