From the category archives:

Friday’s Quizzlet

Nice to see you again, little Quizzlet. It’s been far too long. I’m making up my own questions this week. They’re deliberately crafted so I can cover a few topics on my mind which might not deserve an entire post. Please take a silly stab at them yourselves in the comments.

dave-kenzieAppetizer: How does it feel to be an Uncle?
Feel free to now think to yourselves, “Wait, THIS doesn’t deserve its own post, jerktard?” Relax. There’s no doubt in my mind that wee Bonnie Mackenzie will feature as prominently on my blog as she will in my life. I’m driving to Jay Peak this very afternoon for a little skiing and a whole whackload of doting. My camera is charging and you’ll be sorry that thought ever crossed your mind when you’re assailed by at least 7 baby videos on Monday. Oh for shame.

Soup: What movie should win the Oscar for Best Picture on the 27th?
I’ve now seen all the nominees except Toy Story 3. I bought it for my friend Mary’s kids but have heard it’s rude to open and watch a DVD before giving it to a child for Christmas. Regardless, at this time in our conversation I feel comfortable giving you my one/two-sentence opinions on the other 9 nominees in descending order of adoration:

  1. The Fighter: I loved this movie, can’t wait to see it again and sincerely hope that it wins. If you haven’t seen this yet, ask yourself, “why?” and then ‘speedbag’ your own breasts/ballsac.
  2. True Grit: I already knew every line of the original 1969 version but the Coens, Jeff Bridges and especially Hailee Steinfeld put thoroughly re-watchable (I’ve now seen it 3 times) fresh spins on the source novel.
  3. Winter’s Bone: The world desperately needed a redneck meth mystery and this one cooked up real good.
  4. The King’s Speech: The cast and director of my predicted winner did this amazing script proud while shedding light on a fascinating royal who’s been all but forgotten by history.
  5. Black Swan: No desire to see it again, didn’t exactly cry when it was over (although I did feel like taking a shower) but Portman deserves the nod for Best Actress.
  6. Inception: Definitely deserves the Oscar for Best Special Effects in a year full of standouts (ahem, Tron) but as a whole this embarrassingly overrated movie bored me. Shouldn’t be nominated in this category.
  7. The Social Network: Enjoyed Fincher’s work here as I always do – but I’m  tired of hearing about this flick and want it to go away.
  8. 127 Hours: Boyle and Franco made an impressive team but in a year already full of worthy contenders this nomination reeks of silly overstuffing as it has no chance of winning.
  9. The Kids are All Right: Gotta call it like I see it here – not that remarkable a film and more overstuffing directly related to Hollywood’s gay marriage fascination popular social themes. 

A quick note on what isn’t on the Academy’s list – I’m definitely not the only person who thinks that at least a couple of films on the above list should have been replaced with The Town. Affleck’s a bit of a douche but he’s definitely coming into his own behind the camera.

Salad: Did Gervais go too far at the Golden Globes?
Are you kidding, Quizzlet? He made watchable an obligatory, self-serving circle-jerk designed to appeal to the foreign press. Next year hold it in fucking Brussels. Any Hollywood heavyweight who shows up for an award show where The Tourist was nominated for best picture with a straight face deserves whatever Ricky dishes out. He’s one of the funniest humans alive and I have been a huge fan of his for over a decade now. Watch him tear Tinseltown’s elite a new one below…

Main Course: Which weekly TV series are you currently geeking-out over?
Glad you asked, Quizzlet. Season 2 of Justified starring Seth Bullock Timothy Olyphant started this week and rest assured that’s a very good thing. Better yet, grab yourself a jar of apple pie flavored moonshine and sit your damn self down in front of the TV next Wednesday at 10pm. But it’s not all redneck’s n’ roses – while one of my favorite new FX series got renewed, the woefully under-watched and underappreciated Terriers didn’t make it off the beach.

Time’s James Poniewozik ranked Terriers at #10 on his Top 10 List of television shows in 2010. The Daily Beast’s Jace Lacob selected the show as part of his top 10 shows of 2010. HitFix.com’s Alan Sepinwall ranked Terriers at #3 on his top 10 list for 2010 as well as #1 on his list of best new shows of 2010. The AV Club ranked it as their number 7 show of the year.

There’s no doubt in my mind FX knows how to market a new show. If I see one more promo for Lights Out or Archer I’ll probably start watching them (who am I kidding – I already do. FX shows rule). I think the network underestimated Terriers and the resulting lack of faith was reflected in the minimal advertising campaign. If there’s any good news, it’s that Terriers had a recurring plot arc which ran in one form or another through the entire 13 episode lifespan. That, coupled with the optimistic and open-ended finale, will make it quite enjoyable as a stand alone season. Seek out a torrent (shhh!) and I’ll post a link to the DVD if and when it’s released. Check out the awesome, cheeky little theme song below. We hardly knew ye.

Dessert: What is the airspeed velocity of a European swallow?
Enough already, Quizzlet. I have some work to finish up and still have to drive to Vermont today. I’ll see all you fresh-faced kids next week.

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Appetizer: If you had the choice of sitting on the bench while your team wins the Stanley Cup, or playing a regular shift on a team that stinks, which would you choose? – Chris C.

mike-the-situation-abs Is there such thing as a Stanley Cup Ring that I can wear to bars in the interest of going home with whomever I choose as a result? Because that would seriously influence my answer. “Your breath smells like a dead skunk.” I couldn’t agree with you more, Snookie. Have you seen my Lord Stanley Ring? “Do you promise to sleep in the wet spot?” No. “OK, let’s go.” You know, that sort of situation. See what I did there?

Soup: What is the biggest challenge in being an international man of mystery (the Boston/Portland thing)? – Kate L.

boss-cat-in-sink I actually have a real, practical answer for this. It’s my cats. Everyone remembers Boss but I also inherited my parent’s cat, Spud, a year ago and I now have two of them. If anything ever happened to Spud, or I gave him away, Bonnie would find a way to kick my ass from the hereafter – so I’ll be a cat owner until they both expire and that’s going to be at least 5 years by my math. When I was a “cat person”, I used to say that one of the huge advantages to having them as pets was their independence. You can leave them alone for long periods of time. But I was wrong – see a dog you can take with you, just about anywhere. So they tag along when I head to the States. But the cats have to be looked after by someone. Currently my friend and neighbor, Sam, has moved them in with him. That, however, is a lot to ask and won’t last forever. So yeah – the biggest challenge to my border-hopping lifestyle are my two furry friends. Love ‘em, but it’s a concern. Especially since we’re considering renting the lake house for half of the summer. And not to Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

Salad: What is the best way to inadvertently annoy Alexa B. using Facebook? – Janet P.

There are a few tangible and effective options here:

  1. Refer to everyone as “Mase” – except her.
  2. Complain on her wall that her annual Christmas swap isn’t exclusive enough. Then, show up shitfaced wearing smeared clown makeup.
  3. Pee the bed. With her in it. You can’t really do this via Facebook, but I can guarantee you that it works.
  4. In the comments under a picture of Fox, write “When are they going to add the option to DISLIKE something?”
  5. Create a group called “Cato is Hung Like a Budgie” and get a minimum of 1,000 members.

Main Course: Do gay men hit on you incessantly when you walk your dog(s) with their stylish couture? – Greg W.

Greg, I assume your question stems from my recent upload of this:

My Daddy’s big with the gays.

I don’t think there’s much chance of me being admired in Charlestown. I’m not sure any gay guys even know where Charlestown is. Were I walking the dogs through the South End, however, there’s a good chance I’d wake up slung over a see-saw in Peter’s Park.

Dessert: Do you find yourself having more intelligent conversations with your dogs than you do people these days? – Sarah G.

Absolutely not. If anyone were to ever place a hidden camera or digital recorder in my house they’d be able to capture some of the most non-sensical gibberish ever uttered by a human man. But what’s a statement like that without an example? I may regret this. Here is a song I reworked out loud until I got it just right over the course of my unnecessary snow day on Wednesday:

pixie-closeup My dog is Pixie,
Pixie is my dog.
It’s uncanny she resembles,
A retarded bullfrog.
I love my little Pix,
She likes to pick up sticks.
And soon she’ll help me pick up some hot chicks.

If any of that classifies as “intelligent” in your book, then the answer to your question is a resounding “yes”. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve really got to get started dying alone.

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Back in (a) Black (Charger)

by Dave on January 29, 2010

in Friday's Quizzlet

During my aforementioned blogging hiatus a lot of things happened. It was an eventful sabbatical. A busy vaporization. One of the most traumatic events was the destruction of my beloved gun metal grey 2007 Dodge Charger. Here’s what happened. You’ve driven me to it (no pun intended) and I’m tired of answering the question.

It was a rainy, foggy Halloween night. I had just won first prize at The Cove for my awesome Predator costume and was driving home around 11pm. The elements, speed and playing with an iPod may or may not all have been a factor – but remember, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. I wasn’t hurt, I drove home and upon a quick inspection in the dark the damage didn’t look that bad.

Sexual-Predator Behold – the “Sexual Predator” 

When I reported the accident 2 days later, after learning the insurance company wanted to settle, I got a ‘$100 failure to report an accident’ ticket. The whole affair was probably a blessing in disguise. Albeit beloved the vehicle was a deathtrap and nearly useless in the snow. She has been replaced by a black 2009 model with all wheel drive which I was lucky to find in Ottawa as they aren’t made in Canada. I really wanted another Charger but wasn’t going to get one without AWD.

Based on the existing GPS setup and the phone numbers saved in the hands-free, I was able to deduce the vehicle’s first (and extremely brief) owner lived on Causeway Street only 2 blocks from my old apartment in the North End. How it ended up in Ontario is anybody’s guess, but I’m guessing drug-related confiscation. Sometimes drugs are good.

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Fancy another reader-generated Quizzlet for all of us to answer? I certainly do. I’m going to Tweet and Facebook this request as well, so there’s no escape for any of you. Please post any silly or serious questions (in the comments below) that you’d like to hear answered by your friendly neighborhood narcissistic prick – namely, me. We need a grand total of 5. Update: OK, we got there.

Appetizer: Who’s the douchiest celeb in Hollywood (besides Kanye)? – Dana G.

joe-francis-paris-hilton-tit I’m glad you added that clarification, Dana, because I definitely would have gone after that ridiculous pinhead if you hadn’t. The word “celebrity” is a strong word to use when describing this guy, but the award has to go to Girls Gone Wild creator, Joe Francis. How he has managed to end up bedding celebutantes the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on the strength of simply videotaping drunken, barely legal females on Spring Break is a mystery to us all. Couple that fact with the jail time he’s done as a result of his paparazzi-pornographer status, and the recent charges against him for… everything under the sun… and he definitely wins today’s PITF award for being an outstanding douchebiscuit. Or maybe I’m just a little jealous.

Soup: Will the Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 remake merely disappoint the loyal following of the House of Freddy? – Angie F.

fat-kid-sandlot I’m really happy about Jackie Earle Haley being cast as the new Freddy Krueger because he’s perfect (in his own creepy way) and without a solid Fred the film would die on the vine without a doubt. Meyers and Voorhees, both of whom have had their franchises more or less successfully resuscitated over the past year, are very different entities. They don’t talk. They wear masks so there aren’t even facial expressions to consider. Notice, pursue, kill. They might as well be mindless robots, so their 2009 versions weren’t all that critical to the success or failure of the new Friday the 13th or Halloween movies. Freddy on the other hand obviously speaks and was always played by Robert Englund as full of sadistic personality with a strong dose of wicked humor. In my opinion, on the “evil scale” Freddy made Jason and Michael Myers look like the red-headed fat kid from The Sandlot. The actor is therefore crucial in this case and Haley is ideal. Admittedly it will be hard for me to picture Kelly from Bad News Bears as a re-animated child murderer with 100% of his body covered in 18th degree burns. But he was nominated for an Oscar in 2007, so stranger things have happened.

Salad: If you could be just one player from a sport or an athletic team, who would it be and why? – Kat

I haven’t been following any sport recently, except maybe hockey, with the zeal I once did, but I’ve always had a soft spot for Larry Bird. Maybe it’s because we share a birthday. Perhaps it’s because I was absolutely basketball-obsessed as a kid in the 80s. Maybe it’s because he’s from a town called French Lick and hearing that phrase invariably gives me a naughty pause for thought. My point is – I simply don’t know why it’s Bird. But it’s Bird.

Main Course: What wedding song should be banned forever (besides Lady in Red)? – Seany Mac

How about that “Butterfly Kisses” song? If I were to hear it at a wedding in the Ozark Mountains, and the bride was in possession of three teeth, I’d think to myself, “Fair enough. When in Rome.” But when I hear it at the wedding of someone I went to high school with it makes me want to grab the DJ’s mic like they were Taylor Swift and then stop the insanity.

Dessert: Over half a year in, have your feelings towards Barack Obama changed at all, and if so – exactly how? – Matt H.

For those of you who don’t remember I wrote a long, thought out piece last year about why I didn’t feel Obama was fit for the Presidency and the specific reasons as to why. That’s not to say I didn’t think he’d ever be ready – quite the opposite. In many ways he was already very qualified. If good looks and a talent for public speaking were the major responsible prerequisites for the insanely important position he’d have had my vote. But it isn’t and he didn’t. Unfortunately, if you were to ask 90% of people back then why they were planning to vote for Obama they’d have said, “He’s well-spoken.” If you doubt me on that then your memory is a wee bit selective. I still feel that his election was premature, he had precious little tangible experience and his campaign had an incredibly advanced grasp of the power of social media and the internet in general. That having been said, I’ve since warmed up to him. He’s been tough on troublesome international leaders like Putin and Chavez. He has brass balls. He’s a remarkably cool and composed dude – at all times. If he fails to achieve an 8-year term it will be as a direct result of his healthcare stance and he must tread very carefully over the next few months. Socialized healthcare sucks, and I’m speaking with more experience than any person should have. Sorry – I think I must have hit my head there or something. Back to the dick jokes…

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It’s my favorite day of the week again, kids, and your live Quizzlet questions are once again required. Off to a bit of a late start today due to a drywall delivery – but it’s time to get this thing started. Please leave your inquiries in the comments and I’ll answer them as I get them. Update: Got what I needed. Some of you should seek help immediately.

Appetizer: What, in your opinion, is the most quotable movie of all time?Jennie SMASH

First of all, great to have you back, Ms. SMASH. Or is it MISS? We all have our favorites, and for me it’s a toss up between Blade Runner and Goodfellas. Quoteable movies are contextual for me though, in that the flicks I ape depend heavily on the people I’m with. One of my favorites from Blade Runner is the entire soliloquy from Roy’s death scene. Although this guy almost did it better. Almost.


Time… to die.

Goodfellas is full of them, but I think my favorite scene is when they stop off at Tommy’s mother’s house, with ‘whackee’ Billy Batts in their trunk, because they need a butcher knife to finish the job. Not only does Momma (Scorcese’s real Mother) refuse to let them leave without feeding them, but she insists on showing Jimmy and Henry her latest painting.


One dog is going East and the other one is goin’ West. So what?

“Looks like somebody we know” says Jimmy as he notices the man in the painting’s uncanny resemblance to Batts. Kills me every time.

Soup: What would you do now if you could have any job ? – Dana G.

I would have loved to have been a professional actor, and I think I could have been if I’d had the drive when I was much younger. Stand-up comedian is also high on the list. Back down on Earth where reality reigns, the answer is undoubtedly: Homicide Detective. Intrinsically I have always hated watching people commit and get away with horrible crimes and I know that bringing peace to families that have lost a loved one must provide a satisfaction unseen in any other profession. Or maybe I just read too many Encyclopedia Brown books as a child. Granted, there’s a big difference between the Case of the Disgusting Sneakers and a triple home invasion gang blackout suicide pact.

Salad: Are there, apart from 7&7 and crown & ginger, any Canadian cocktails? – Joanna A.

It’s technically a shooter but my University days are littered with memories of the infamous, and very Canadian, Prarie Fire. There are several variations but the one you see up there is a normal sized shot of tequila adorned with several dashes of Tabasco. The amount of hot drops you get usually depends on who ordered it for you, how they feel about you on that given evening and whether or not it’s your birthday. If you’ve been a dick to someone recently, it’s your birthday, and that person is headed up to the bar for a round of shots – kiss your ring goodbye. Figuratively and literally. I hear that’s actually possible if you’re heavily into yoga. Also look into Swish. And then immediately wish you hadn’t.

Main Course: What is the most heart-wrenching song ever recorded? – Lauren N.

That is easy. I made the mistake of having my iPod on shuffle and subsequently hearing “The Drugs Don’t Work” by the Verve. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but my Mother had been dead for less than two hours and I was driving back from the hospital. I had always thought that tune was incredibly sad, but let’s just say I’m lucky I was able to keep the car on the road that morning.

Dessert: What is the best tech advancement of the last 10 years? And where are my keys? – Scott W.

The continued evolution and societal importance of the internet, hands down. As for the keys, they’re in a brown grocery bag under your sink. You dropped them in there because you needed a free hand for a box of cat litter, and then stored the bag without removing them. You’re welcome.

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Last week’s user-submitted quizzlet was a lot of fun, no? Shall we do it again? I’m about to send out Facebook and Twitter requests for questions and I will add to this post as they come in. Please leave your questions in the blog comments. Update: Sweet Jesus. Stop before I end up on a government list.

Appetizer: If you could berate a pro sports athlete at a match, etc. who would it be? – Gary P.

I’ve never been a fan of his, but after last Saturday’s Bruins vs. Islanders match – “The Pest”, Sean Avery. Click the link if you’ve yet to see him thwap the back of Bruins’ goalie Tim Thomas’ head with his stick starting a donnybrook which hardly helped New York’s situation. There is hockey goonery, which I fully encourage, and then there’s hockey douchebaggery. I’d like to take a Gatorade bucket and dump it over his head. In the middle of a rink after a game that would be awfully chilly! Not to mention it would be filled with carbolic acid.

Soup: How are you and Spud getting along now that you’ve inherited him? – Anneliese R.

Surprisingly well, thank you. You were here the day he bit my face and scarred the frig out of it two summers ago. Whether I deserved it or not, there are two types of cats: ones that bite to wound and ones that bite to warn. Spud is of a third type which bites to maim. Anyhew, not only are we getting along but he sleeps in my bed, follows me around the house, sits with me, purrs constantly – it’s amazing. I guess he knows where his mouse is buttered now.

Salad: How many dogs can one man own? – Kent H.

Three. I didn’t even have to think about it. There are several factors to consider in regards to how many canines one household can sustain, but only one of them is worth discussing – it’s what I like to call the “creature to lawn landmine threshold ratio”. It looks something like this:

Number of dogs x 2 poops each a day / lawn acreage = C.L.L.R.

Currently I’m maxxed out. I have my stainless steel dustpan on a pole, my little doo-doo rake and I’m constantly hovering over the grass looking for dead soldiers as it is. If another dog were to be added to the mix I’d be buried in a mountain of recycled Eukanuba by Labor Day.

nero-eric-bana

Main Course: Thanks to a relatively new area of science called String Theory, physicists and cosmologists are on the cusp of unifying Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity (the theory of the very big) with quantum theory (the theory of the very small). If their calculations prove true, it will mean that our universe sits within a sea of parallel universes that existed long before The Big Bang. Could you give me your take on the implications of parallel universes and pre-Big Bang physics? What does this stuff mean for mankind? – Mark B.

My head just started throbbing. The answer to your questions, however, are obvious. The implications of a parallel universe were well documented in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and I’m not going to jump through hoops for you and rehash it all here. What does it mean for mankind? Well – we’re fucked, basically. Especially after Nero warps in on May 8th.

Dessert: If you had to cut off one of your fingers from each hand, which ones would you pick? – Staci D.

You can’t live without your thumb. Watch the Pope of Greenwich Village for more detail on that point. Your index finger enables you to pick your nose, point and poke. The middle finger – enough said. And the pinkie is just way too adorable. Reminds me of my mother telling me nursery rhymes about pigs. The third finger, however, doesn’t even have a nickname. So lop those suckers off on both hands. If for no other reason than I can look like I’m throwing the goat, 24/7.

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The site from which I used to spelunk my quizzlet questions each Friday has unfortunately gone the way of the Dodo. I’m quite happy to make the questions up myself – but that seems pretty disingenuous. I’d also like to reboot the sense of community we had here on Pye in the Face in years past and encourage reader participation. See where I’m going with this?

Using my Facebook status and Twitter account I’m going to invite all of you to submit the 5 questions which normally make up Friday’s Quizzlet. If folks care enough to get involved maybe I’ll be able to do this every week. I’d also like to invite people to answer the questions themselves in the comments like so many of you used to do in PITF’s golden era. Monday I’ll also be reinstating the Quotelet contest – with real prizes this time around. Sound fun? I’m certainly looking forward to it. Update: Thanks for all the submissions, folks. Here we go.

Appetizer: It’s a common observation that people’s pets resemble them in some way. What are 3 similarities between you and your pet? – Amy K.

1. Shepherd is loyal to a fault. You could say that, however, about every dog that has ever lived. “Want me to follow you into traffic? OK!” Although my “gut feelings” are usually quite dependable there have been a few times in my life where I spent time and energy on fixing people – when I should have been taking out the garbage. Or walking into traffic.

2. Shepherd digs his sister. Janet and I have been very close (since we stopped living together at our parent’s) and we both value each other’s support. For obvious reasons this has become especially important recently and also explains how my 5-day business trip to Boston has turned into over 3 weeks at this point. I’m reminded of Belushi’s SNL skit, “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”. But she swears she isn’t. We’ll see what she thinks in another 3 weeks.

3. Shepherd is fascinated by deer poo. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, people.

Soup: Has anyone ever really cared when Jimmy cracked corn? – Megan C.

Yes – it’s quite possible that over the years at least a few people have cared. I’m assuming that to “crack” corn is to husk it and thought up some possible examples.

  • His hungry corn-fed family.
  • A cow, pig or other farm animal who was also quite hungry. If he’s crackin’ corn on a regular basis, he probably lives on a farm. Or needs a hobby.
  • Any major theater chain you wish to choose. Kernels don’t grow on trees, they grow on corn stalks. And getting at the kernels first requires you to crack those motherfuckers.
  • Native American dry colored corn artists. Without Jimmy they’d have far less time to create breathtaking art.

So next time you want to hate on Jimmy the corn cracker, Megan, try showing a little compassion instead. Cornpassion, even.

Salad: What’s your favorite Bonnie memory? Sorry that’s personal but I’d like to hear it. – Mary C-B.

It’s obviously impossible to pick just one. There was an amusing recent occurrence, however, which happened up at the lake house about 3 summers ago. I bugged and bugged my mother to get on the back of a jetski with me, which she was absolutely dead set against. After taking a couple of test runs back and forth across her line of vision, I came back to the dock in one piece and finally coerced her to climb on. She got out of her lawn chair which was set up on the dock beside Gordo and several neighbors and they cheered her on as she straddled the evil, motorized sea beast.

The voyage started out well-enough, with Mom giggling and mock-screaming as she held on to my waist for dear life. Then it all went horribly wrong. Anyone with jetski experience will hammer home one piece of advice to a newbie – never decelerate in a turn. I did just that, right in full view of the dock spectators, and Bonnie and I rolled arse-over-tit beneath the waves in a split second. I climbed back on my steed but Mom had had quite enough and dog-paddled all the way back to shore as we both endured comments from the peanut gallery (well, I got a lot more shit than she did). I tied up at the dock myself about 20 minutes later. As I passed by my father he beckoned for me to lean down before whispering in my ear: “Thanks a lot, asshole. Now she’ll never let me get one.”

Main Course: Which crime would you make punishable by death, and how would the guilty be executed? – Gary P.

Child abuse. Particularly that of a diddly nature. Most states will already execute you for killing a child. Ruining the rest of their life via mental scarring will only get you a comparably short jail sentence followed by a “This Guy is a Diddler” sign on your front lawn. I’ll need more time to devise the ideal method of diddler dispatch, but I can tell you that it will definitely be slow, will definitely be painful and will definitely involve… diddling.

Dessert: Why hasn’t Will Smith insisted on starring in films with better storylines? – Angie F.

I have to assume here that you’re speaking specifically about the two cowboys fighting the giant robotic spider in 1880’s California? If you’re not, you should be. At least you get to see Bai Ling’s buttocks in that pile of garbage, which on second thought isn’t much of an incentive. Seven Pounds put me to sleep quicker that a mallet to the temple, but I think recently his choices have been quite sound. I really enjoyed I Am Legend, Pursuit of Happyness and Hancock. Your theory about Will’s bad choices may come back into fashion, however, as I see his next movie in production is entitled Monster Hunter. I’d like to go on record as saying I hope that movie involves at least one Sasquatch pursuit.

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I don’t take the time to fill out many of these, kids, but I enjoyed this one and it didn’t take 3 hours to complete. My favorite is #7 – Best Superhero name in human history, and those were seriously the first two words that came to mind. Give ‘er a shot yer darn selves.

YOUR REAL NAME: David James Pye

2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names): Douglas Elizabeth

3. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad): Jimmy Stanley

4. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Pyeda

5. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Cobalt Blue Canine

6. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born): James Ottawa

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning): The Maroon Harpoon

8. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name): Daye

9. STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie): Mint Chocolate Chip Chocolate Chip

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet’s name, street you grew up on): Apple Island View

11. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of last name plus izzle): Pyeizzle

13. YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name): Aejaidpye

14. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Shepherd

Sharper than an M.I.T. student on adderall. Stronger than a hunk of unpasturized blue cheese left in a shoebox slightly above room temperature for a week. Criminals everywhere would shake in their shiny boots at the mere mention of… The Maroon Harpoon!

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Thanks to my friend Kate for the questions this week. If you too would like to contribute a round of quizzlet queries – please send an email to dave (at) davepye.com.

Appetizer: You’re prescribed a mood-stabilizing food instead of a drug. What would you want to eat?
Feta cheese. I am already of the sincere belief it is the cure for everything that ails me.

tin-iron-manSoup: Whose superhero sidekick would you be and what would your superpower be?
I think Iron Man needs a sidekick. I would be the Tin Man and absolutely fuck up villains using my radioactive oil can.

Salad: What is the attraction of a magnificent bastard?
The knowledge that while in their presence it is safe to always assume the absolute worst.

Main Course
: What would you like the opening line of your eulogy to be?
“Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin…”

Dessert: Describe a pleasure in which you do not regularly indulge.
I think I’d like to play more paintball, to be honest. I have seen some decent guns for sale at the local Canadian Tire and I think there are some folks in the area that partake, if my memory of certain drunken summer conversations serves. Golly knows there are enough open, forested spaces around here that would suffice. Yes, I think that might be something I will look into.

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One of the reasons everybody’s favorite Quizzlet has died off these last couple months is that the wonderful site, Friday’s Feast, I used to get the questions from seems to have died off as well. A year or two ago, when I was writing once or twice a day and my readership was strong I could have asked y’all to provide me with 5 questions. But until I get my groove back, somewhat like Stella, I shall have to pen my own – I have done it before, and Freud would love this. Please feel free to answer any of these questions yourselves in the comments.

Appetizer: Popular opinion states that Saturday Night Live isn’t funny. Your thoughts?
Thanks, Quizzlet. This has been on my mind a lot lately. If by “popular opinion” you mean people that haven’t watched the show since 1998 – or never really did – then yes, you’d be led to believe not only is the show bad it should have been cancelled when Will Ferrell left. Where do I begin? The current cast has certain members that are so strong they have already started appearing in movies. A lot of movies. Usually this doesn’t happen until after they have left the show. Like them or not, Fey (practically a cast member again this year due to the Palin impressions) and Poheler (leaving after this season) have both made the rounds and even collaborated on Baby Mama. Andy Samberg had his own vehicle, Hot Rod, last summer. Bill Hader has been popping up in big movies everywhere since his first season (Tropic Thunder, SuperBad) and I’m surprised that the singularly brilliant Kristen Wiig even has time to do the show (Knocked Up, Semi-Pro, Ghost Town). I should probably make this a separate post I have so much to say, but I’ll leave you with this. Their ratings this season, in no small part to the election, were the highest since the Farley-Sandler-Hartman era and the show has a lot of life left in it yet.

“Sorry… I took a Chinese vitamin this morning.”

Soup: What do you think about the recent clues that suggest Ford, Lucas and Spielberg are currently gearing up for Indy 5?
Internationally, it was the top grossing film of 2008. And that’s with a lot of bad reviews and negative press behind it. They’d be stupid, or overly respectful of the franchise which we already know they are not, not to. If they produce a good script in the next couple of years I think Indy 5 can certainly pulled off. Just please no CGI monkeys this time. The gophers can stay, and so can Shia since we all know the series will probably be handed off to him in some fashion. That may actually be the entire purpose of #5. And let’s bring back those damn Nazis. There could be a whole city of them hoarding relics while hiding out in South America somewhere. A network of caves underneath a German restaurant in Rio, perhaps. Indiana Jones and the City of Thongs, anyone?

Salad: How’s the whole “living in the woods” thing working out for you?
Simply put – I love it up here. Fresh air, silence, a dog, a boat, deers in my yard… it’s a trip. After Janet moved up in May we started actually leaving the house and hitting the local bars on Thursday nights. I met a lot of people very quickly and things changed for the better. I have no idea why I waited almost a year to start socializing, but that’s neither here nor there. Now that Janet has returned to Boston I have a nice group of friends, can hit the local bar and know I’ll see people I know and I even get invited to parties. I like to tell myself it’s not just because I’m frequently asked to do a Beantown accent and recite scenes from “The Departed”. And I’ll continue to tell myself that.

Main Course: Will you ever return to Boston full time?
Things are getting crazy at work and the company is being valued highly by investors that have sniffed around. I have been asked recently by colleagues if I would move back. If it becomes apparent that I will miss out on a potential life-changing payday if I do not, and I negotiate a way with my family to keep from having to sell the house up here as a result, then I will think about it. With my father now in a home up here, however, any move back would be temporary.

Dessert: How do you feel about Daniel Craig as 007?
Growing up my favorite Bond was Roger Moore. And although I still like him in the role today, that was because I was a little kid (who probably shouldn’t have even been taken to see For Your Eyes Only, View to a Kill, etc.) and Moore was the current article. As I got older, my #1 slot eventually went to Connery with Moore as #2. Do I like Craig? On the strength of Casino Royale alone, my top 3 now goes: Connery, Craig, Moore. So yes – I likes him. He’s a sadistic, sexist thug – just like Connery played it – and although the reinvention contains elements I don’t like the elimination of the PC Brosnan-era Bond is a wonderful thing. I will be in line to see Quantum of Solace next Friday night (or maybe even afternoon) when it opens in Ottawa.

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Appetizer: What was your favorite cartoon when you were a child?
I used to love Saturday mornings and remember that Dungeons and Dragons, The Smurfs, G.I. Joe and a bunch of others were always on my dance card. But the 70’s version of Spider-Man was my very favorite. I still remember every word of the fantastic theme song – lemme see if I can find it somewhere. Got it – wow that takes me back. I love the furious horns and the Buddy Love style to it. Must have been made in the late 60’s. I half expected a cartoon version of Sammy Davis Jr. to shoot lazers at Spidey out of his gold-rimmed glasses by the end of it.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o29VoxtsFk[/youtube]

Soup: Pretend you are about to get a new pet. Which animal would you pick, and what would you name it?
I just went through all of this, actually. I picked a dog, a Boston Terrier and I named him Shepherd. I also considered “Huck” (Huckleberry Pye) and Indy (we named the dog Indiana!) but Shepherd fit the Pye naming convention perfectly, and is actually a respectable dog’s name historically. “Old Shep” is a well known Walter Brennan song about a beloved dog and was eventually even covered by Elvis himself. I love Brennan – you’ll remember him as John Wayne’s old-coot of a side kick in several Westerns, particularly Rio Bravo. “I picked up my gun, and aimed it at Shep’s faithful head“. Jesus, I hope it never comes to that.

Salad: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy getting dressed up for special occasions?
I haven’t had cause to wear a tuxedo in a good 10 years but I am a groomsman at my friend’s wedding in September and was just sent a tux rental form for the occasion. I’ll enjoy it. I’ll make lots of Dean Martin jokes. Probably drink scotch all night. 2 fingers, 3 ice cubes – just the way Francis Albert liked it. Then I’ll fall asleep alone in a hotel room and wake up hating life. I get to go to 4 weddings in September. In 4 different States. And yes – I want to kill myself.

Main Course: What kind of music do you listen to while you drive?
Excellent question, quizzlet. Your excellent questions are few and far between. I’d like to take this opportunity to list my favorite driving songs of all time. I’ll number them, but there’s not really any particular order.

  1. RoadRunner by The Modern Lovers – Jonathan Richman’s tribut to Massachusetts and driving down Route 128. “The highway is your girlfriend as you go by quick. Suburban trees, suburban speed and it smells like thunder.”
  2. Threshold Apprehension by Frank Black – Read my review. I get pulled over nearly everytime my iPod shuffles to this track.
  3. There Goes the Fear by The Doves – All time favorite sinalong, and the nutty Brazilian rhythms will make the hours fly past, providing that you play the song 27 times in a row. Maybe that’s just me.

Dessert: When was the last time you bought a clock? And in which room did you put it?
I bought a Kids in the Hall clock off of eBay a couple of years back, and it hung proudly in my North End kitchen until I moved back to the Great White North a year ago this very month. It’s currently in a box out in the Winchester and I look forward to restoring it to a place of honor when I get around to going through all my stored stuff this summer. Now that is a DVD set I really need to break down and purchase, Santa. The series left me scarred. Scarred for LIFE! Bu-gock!

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Appetizer: What is the nearest big city to your home?
Ottawa, Ontario. I’m headed there this evening to see my friend Seany Mac whom I lived in residence with at Guelph. I haven’t seen him for a decade and I can’t wait. We recently got back in touch and I was pleased to learn he lives reasonably close to me. Then Saturday night I am going to my friend Adam’s for a BBQ. He was my neighbor and little buddy way back when I lived in Manotick around 7-11 years of age. They are coming out of the woodwork, and I love it.

Soup: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how well do you keep secrets?
I’ve been guilty of letting at least one juicy tidbit slip towards the wrong ears at least once in my life, but these days I pride myself on keeping my mouth shut. I’ll talk to close friends until the cows come home, but when in mixed company I tend to shift into “Hemingway mode”. Less is more. My senior superlative was “Talks Least, Says Most”, and I’m still kinda proud of that. Meanwhile, here I am maintaining a blog and blathering on for anyone who’ll listen.

Salad: Describe your hair (color, texture, length).
Short, fine and brown. I’ve had the same haircut for 20 years, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a blond spot that sets me apart a little. When the hair on top of my head gets a bit longish it becomes very pronnounced. Like a polkadot or something. You know what I just thought of then, that I haven’t in year? This, and I laughed.

Main Course: What kind of driver are you? Courteous? Aggressive? Slow?
It all depends on the car and the situation. On long country straightaways with little O.P.P. risk, I’m Steve McQueen. In downtown Toronto with my Mother’s minivan, I’m Hoke Colburn.

Dessert: When was the last time you had a really bad week?
I have no idea. I take it day by day and if things ever got to the point where I’d had 7 miserable 24-hour periods in a row there’d be something seriously wrong. Or I’d be in Newark.

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Appetizer: Invent a new flower; give it a name and describe it.
The flower’s name would be Robaxibloom, and it would have magical back pain healing properties. I have been bed-ridden for most of this week, hence my lack of posts. About two hours after cleaning the garage on Sunday I developed an ache that has just gotten worse ever since and I think I’m going to have to hit the local ER soon if it doesn’t fade. It’s insane… and far worse than the pain from my official football back injury 16 years ago that kept me from playing for Wilfred Laurier/tying my own shoes for a month.

Soup: Name someone whom you think has a wonderful voice.
For singing and speaking my all time favorite is Dean martin. I have been honing a Dino impression for several years now and as a result have been paying a lot of attention to the little nuances. It’s like warm olive oil being poured over vanilla ice cream. And it sounds far better than it tastes.

Salad: On a scale of 1 to 10 how clean do you keep your car?
Inside, 9.5. Outside a 6 in the winter and a 9 in the summer. I keep it very clean as it’s the first decent car I’ve ever owned and I’d like to keep it looking pristine for as long as I have it. Plus, DNA evidence can really come back to haunt you.

Main Course: How do you feel about poetry?
Classic poetry, like the kind I had to read reams of in University, is wonderful stuff. Slam poetry is, in a word, retarded. I’d rather listen to Marc Smith writhing around in pain on a microphoned sheet of wax paper with a car battery attached to his nipples. Or Pearl Jam.

Dessert: What was the last person/place/thing you took a picture of?
My puppies, of course. They are very photogenic and I’m not going to force them upon my readers yet again. But, if you must know, they went to the vet this morning for their last immunization shot and are now allowed to visit dog parks, come with us into town, etc. They averaged about 12 pounds each and are nearly halfway to their full size and doghood. They met a beagle at the office today and seemed to really socialize well. I think we’ve got a pair of healthy, reasonably well adjusted pups on our hands. So far so good. Can you tell how much pain I am in by reading this dry white toast of a post? Must… get… horizontal…

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Appetizer: What does the color dark green make you think of?
It’s one of my favorites so let’s see. Pine trees. Felt Octoberfest hats. One of my pullovers. Will Ferrel’s costume in Elf. Planet Earth. ‘Green‘ as an ecology concept. Being outside. If you’d asked me about pink we’d have been here all morning.

Soup: How many cousins do you have?
First cousins include Kathy, Rick, Reiner, Erynn, Thomas, Alexandra and Christopher. My second cousins are Darius, Seth, Jakob and Callie. Cousins I am close to who fall under other classifications are Jodi, Judy, Brent, Ben, Carter, Ian, Tina and Melanie. So that’s 19 that we know about.

Salad: Do you play any instruments? If so, what?
I have two guitars, acoustic and electric, and I’ve been playing on and off since I was 15. A few months ago I took them to a music store in Kingston to have them both fixed up and restrung. They sound better than ever and I even bought a new Marshall amp to keep the house rocking with breathtaking song. Alas, everyone returned to said house early this year, bringing a sudden end to the magic. I’ll move my little rock fantasy out to the Winchester when it warms up and I’m even trying to buy Gooch’s drum kit because Janet wants to learn to play. Pyetridge Family, anyone?

Main Course: Name something that is truly free.
Salads at the Olive Garden. A brake inspection with every oil change. Buffalo wings on tuesday nights. What have I missed? Help me out in the comments.

Dessert: Using the letters in the word SPRING, write a sentence.
Soiled Puppies Run Inside, Grimy.

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Appetizer: On a scale of 1-10 how much do you like your own handwriting?
The only time I write in script / cursive is when I’m signing my name. The rest of the time I write in this all caps printing style and I really don’t know where it came from or when it started. It’s almost graffiti-esque and I can’t say I’m too proud of it. I’ve always held pens in a funny way which cramps up and eventually begins to hurt my hand after too long. As a result, in grade school they gave me a triangular rubber pad to pull over my pencil. Why did that just turn me on a little bit?

Soup: Do you prefer baths or showers?
I don’t think I’ve had a bath in about 20 years. Unless we’re talking about a more naughty sort of bath for naughty bath purposes. For daily maintenance I’m a shower person all the way. This came up just last night, actually. The lake house has 3 bathrooms, 2 showers and no bathtubs. Janet is beside herself and I think one of the summer projects for 2008 will be putting one in if she has anything to say about it. Or wants to pay for it. I still have a lot of work left to do on the Winchester, and the only bath-type-thingy I’m interested in installing is a hot tub on the back deck. Oh yes… Jim and I are already talking about the schematics. That came out wrong.

Salad: What was the last bad movie you watched?
You know me – “bad movie” is a very relative term. Do you mean a guilty pleasure that is admittedly bad yet I still enjoy it immensely? Or a flick I simply can’t get behind no matter how hard I might try? Jason, Amy and Marj are coming up this weekend, so I’ve been waiting till then to watch my newly acquired copy of Semi-Pro. It’s no Citizen Kane but I’m sure I’ll lap it up. For the other side of the coin I’ll mention Altered States. I love William Hurt and I picked this DVD up in the bargain bin at a local supermarket recently for $4.99. It wasn’t half as good as I remember it but I think that’s more accurately categorized as a bad movie that I actually concede is a bad movie.

Main Course: Name something you are addicted to. How does it affect your life?
I think this is probably a fairly popular answer, especially among people like me who are obviously in deep denial, but the only thing I think I’m truly addicted to is music. And it affects my life in a very positive way. It will change a mood, evoke a memory, make a long drive more bearable… I had a long haul to Ottawa and back earlier this week, for example. When I hit Roger Stevens and realized I still had at least another hour before I made it home I sighed like a sissy, having already spent close to 3 hours in the car. Then the best driving song in human history shuffled onto my iPod and there was no where I’d have rather been than behind the wheel of the HMS Pye.

Dessert: Which instrument is your favorite to listen to?
Bagpipes, and there’s nee a wee debate needed there, laddie. My maternal Grandfather, Jimmy Smith, was from Wishaw and I first heard the lovely sound growing up when I’d go to visit him. The pipes are very, very difficult to learn to play and are almost primative in form and function – but there are fewer more beautiful sonic events on planet Earth. I will miss being in Boston this Monday, where I would have undoubtedly been standing in The Field when the Police Pipers come in as I have been on St. Paddy’s past. By the end of their set there’s narry a dry eye in the house.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSrIEPC0Eqw&feature=related[/youtube]

I think that’s why I’ve always loved Big Country so much. Long before he hung himself in a Hawaii hotel room, Stuart Adamson could make his guitar sound like a set of bagpipes wailing away on a moor somewhere. Like a banshee predicting his sad end, perhaps. The clip I’ve included above is a great example of his extremely unique Scottish style. Listen to just the first 33 seconds to see what I mean, if you so desire. Actually, forget the banshee. The red bandana tied around his neck is probably better foreshadowing.

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