From the category archives:

Giant Squids

Squid Pro Quo

by Dave on April 29, 2008

in Giant Squids

I know everyone is a little upset that it has been a long time since I’ve written anything about giant squids. More specifically, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything about giant squids. Remember that big 1,000 pound bastard they caught in New Zealand a year or so ago? Well the world’s leading squidsperts have aligned their schedules, met up in NZ and have spent most of the last 36 hours thawing squidzilla out.

In addition to identifying the gender, weighing and dissecting the half ton corpse in the name of healthy science, several of those in attendance have been tasting it. “Surprisingly the smell is not bad at all,” one scientist said. “It smells a bit like a clean fish shop.” That’s one big piece of Calamari! I, and every other blog or news agency in the world just replied simultaneously. But I will go on to say: I’d like to find a lemon big enough to squeeze over that huge Calamari!, and who’s got a deep fryer big enough to cook it in?! So, yes – I win, and remain the premier source of Internet giant squid news.

Providing they save some of the beast for the rest of us to enjoy it will eventually be preserved in a formulin solution and placed in a tank for feature in a Te Papa museum. Many different people will learn a great many things from our friend in formaldehyde. I am taking my lesson to heart early – Don’t swim in the ocean.


A Vancouver newspaper today reports new giant Humbolt squid activity which is threatening to devour all of the sea life on the West coast of Canada. The beak of the New Zealand giant squid is less than half the size of some that have been found in the bellies of sperm whales. In the wake of all the recent evidence there’s even a brand new classification being bandied around – Colossal squid.

After watching 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea for the first time when I was a kid, I wouldn’t go into the bathtub for a week afterwards. Not much has changed, although 25 years later I’m not watching Captain Nemo get mortally crushed by a tentacle on Betamax – I’m reading the newspaper. Several, newspapers. Some poor soul is gonna get killed by a giant squid this summer. That’s my prediction. I mean, on top of that I will die alone.

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Appetizer: What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?
Rollercoasters are great and everything, but the rides I remember most fondly from childhood is the old 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ride at Disneyland in Florida. It’s been gone since the early nineties, now replaced by Ariel’s Cavern or some silly thing. It’s not even a ride, apparently. I bemoaned the loss of this excellent attraction, based on first live action movie Disney ever did which in turn is based on the Jules Verne novel, at length in a post a couple of years ago that still hold a lot of water, no pun intended. OK… maybe a little pun. My original 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Ride article seems to be missing at the moment so check out the following video for more information on this once mighty giant squid extravaganza.


Soup: How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?
With humor, of course. Diffusing tense situations is probably why humor was invented in the first place. There’s a hidden camera show on MTV called Boiling Points where actors put unsuspecting civilians in ridiculous situations that are designed to infuriate them. A waiter who farts and puts his thumb in their coke, a creepy guy who follows you around a flea market, A guy steals your coffee off the counter and an employee who won’t give you another unless you pay again – you get the picture. If the target of the bit keeps their cool for a certain number of minutes they win $100 when the caper is finally revealed. I enjoy watching this show because so many of the victims get insanely angry that it’s refreshing and impressive when one of them starts making light of the situation and looks for the funny side. Realizes the ridiculousness of the situation and pokes fun at the actors, etc. These are the sorts of people I’d want to have a beer with. Most people suck.

Salad: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?
I’d say it’s a solid 3. If you seek out conversations of that sort, you’re either a priest, a physicist, a shaman or a pretentious asshole. I’ve never been a big fan of recreational drugs,but there was that one time when a big old bag of magic mushrooms found its way into my dorm. There were many deep, philosophical conversations taking place that weekend, I can tell you. Come Monday, I don’t think any of us could remember or care less about a single one of them, and that says it all for me right there.

Main Course: Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?
I’ve had my annual dose of excruciating strep throat all ready this year, thanks. And I’ll be very surprised if I get laid up with anything again. The small extent to which I get sick was always a big disappointment as a child. I once tried to pull off the E.T. thermometer against the light bulb trick which my mother caught on to in a matter of seconds. “According to the thermometer, you’re… on the surface of the sun right now, or Satan”. My poor diet may be my undoing this winter, however. I am keeping healthy eating in mind when I shop and prepare meals, but it’s just no fun to put a lot of effort into cooking when you’re alone. I’ll take another Velveeta slice covered in sub sauce in hand and maybe get around to something a little more complicated, like Kraft Dinner, tomorrow.

Dessert: Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?
Technically at the moment, a shitload. The TV keeps me company in the background all day every day while I work. Considering I haven’t watched a lick of TV for the 5 months prior, I’m not losing any sleep over my recent saturation. I think I’ll devote an article soon to all the interesting crap I’ve discovered. You can also check out my recent bad movies and reality TV posts which go down the same road. Yeah, quizzlet. I’m brushing you off. I have a 4 hour drive ahead of me today. I’m looking out the window right now, and I feel like I’ve just come out the backside of the Wardrobe. Thank goodness my snow tires were put on yesterday.