Pye in the Face

Whipping young canines into shape takes time, persistence and the patience of a saint. I can hear you asking, “Dave - please tell us your secret!” I’m a generous man, and here it is…

Forget Caesar Milan and save your obedience school money. All you need to know when training a puppy is where to drop a few well-placed “boops“. Set the whole piece to the theme music from Predator, and I think we’ve found the funny.

This video from October 1999 has been gathering dust for a long time. Since everyone desperately needs to have their own obligatory one-time skydiving film, I figured it was high time to digitize it and share it with an appreciative world. I edited out all of the promotional material the skydive company weaved in (it was originally over 10 minutes) and dubbed over the original techno track with a little De La Soul. Enjoy my hard to hear but still brilliant one-liners like “See you on the ground”, “Mom and Dad all is forgiven” and my personal favorite, “See you in the next world”.

In closing, you haven’t lived until you’ve jumped out of a rickety prop aircraft at 12,000 feet with a 7-foot German tied to your back. This was a BrainGEM company trip, and Colin, Brian, Gus, Tanya and many others were with us. The wind was so bad on the Saturday that we all had to sleep over in tents on the airstrip and wait until the next day to jump. True to what I say in the video, we had been at the location in Lebanon Maine for over 24 hours before we finally got to pitch ourselves into the wild blue yonder.

One of the girls who jumped out of my plane (after me) was doing her first solo jump. After I landed we all watched in horror as she drifted off course and hit the side of a nearby house. Having partied with her the night before around a campfire with all of the professional divers, we were more than a little concerned. We were told she was OK and left shortly after without a second thought. The next day we learned (incorrectly) that she had been killed in the accident. While calling various places to get more details and figure out where to send flowers we finally figured out that the article we’d seen on a Maine website had been falsely reported. A very strange conclusion to a very strange weekend. I got the skydiving out of my system, but the bruises on my inner thighs from the parachute straps took over 2 months to fully fade my smile at the end of the video was forced and my descent to Earth was spent biting my lip, determined not to let the fact that my legs felt like they were being sawn off ruin the incredible view and experience. Guys as big as me were not meant to skydive.

Just in time for the Oscars I am very proud to release my latest puppy masterpiece, No Country for Croaky Frog. You’ll watch with glee as Jim Morrison, Will Ferrell and the Coen Brothers are all whimsically exploited for my own personal amusement. Or not.

The only thing better than having a puppy is videotaping said creature and then editing music over the various snippets to create a truly mirthful combination of vignettes. I’ve had a lot of silly movie ideas over the past 10 days of puppy parenthood so I decided to edit the best bits together into one piece of celluloid history.

You’ll see that obviously Boss is none to pleased with his new housemates. Octopi feature quite heavily into the production, as do The Carpenters and Jojo. I fully love these little guys and am having a great, albeit smelly, time with them. I’ll probably put together a proper piece on what life is like here at the lake now that these little monsters have taken over my kitchen. Enjoy.

Operation Puppy has gone off so far without a hitch. Shep and Rhuby seem very much at home very fast. Poops and peeps are happening almost exclusively outside or on their mats and they have slept all the way through the night three times without messing their crate or trying to wake me up. This may be because every night before bed we play “Chuckwagon” where I run around the house and they chase me like little bats out of hell.

Feeding time happens 3 times a day and they each get 1/3 of a cup of kibble for a grand total of one cup daily. Obviously, this is always a very important event for a pup so we decided to film lunch time on Sunday. I inexplicably started singing a related song to the tune of P-Funk, and hence another VV was born.

As walking a cat on a leash seems a bit ridiculous to me, I decided to tape one of my jaunts with my parent’s cat, Spud, on the off-chance anything funny might happen. Watching it back and editing it together with a little Fats Domino, I realized the whole event was funny in and of itself - so I’m featuring it here on Veekend Video.

Not to mention the peacock standoff, poisonous caterpillar warning and controlled burn / raging blaze which touched off only a hundred meters from our trailer. Definitely an interesting 15 minutes of Florida morning, edited down for you here to about 4 and a half. This is one strange universe.

Earlier this year I took my cat, Boss, to the vet to be tested for diabetes. The reason? His incessant fascination with, and imbibement of, water. He’s always been fascinated with the stuff - when he was a kitten at our house in Guelph he’d charge into the bathroom whenever anyone got out of the shower and sit in the tub watching the faucet drip. We nicknamed him “the inspector” and chalked it up to that old kitty curiosity.

Now that he’s 10 years old, 27 trips to the water dish, faucet, shower or sink a day is a little unsettling. Hence the visit to the vet. His bloodwork came back completely normal and I was told he is exceptionally healthy for a creature of his age. I suppose then that his water OCD is just that - the same fixation he’s had since his inception. In which case, it’s kind of cute. I made this video last Sunday, edited the clips together and set it to a classic Tom Jones tune. It turned out remarkably cute and funny, so have a gander.

Reactions to my first music video have certainly run the gamut: “”The gong at the end? Comedy genius”. or my personal favorite “There’s Citizen Kane, there’s Battleship Potemkin and then there’s this”. Regardless, Lucy in the Car with David is a special moment in time. The sort of moment you may spend a lot of time trying to block from your memory for a few days after having watched it. So for goodness sake - make sure your volume is up.

Recorded in Newport Rhode Island roughly two weeks ago while left to my own devices in the parking lot of a liquor store, I think it’s fitting that unadulterated genius was hatched thusly. It’s not the Cavern Club, it’s not Big Pink, it’s the back seat of an Audi Quattro. But it’s undoubtedly a little slice of musical heaven. As it’s Halloween, I dedicate this to Joplin, Cobain, Lennon, Orbison, Hoon, Curtis, Harrison, Dimebag Darryl and anyone else who’d likely spin in their grave given the opportunity to hear LITCWD. No need to thank me for the exercise.

No animals were harmed in the making of this film. Unless you count Kingman and Henry who were inside buying enough liquor to sicken the crew of a pirate ship.

Eric Bana is currently just a stone’s throw from the Hollywood A-List, but the movie that gave the former bartender his start was 2000’s Chopper. The movie tells the intense story of Mark “Chopper” Read, a legendary Australian criminal who wrote his autobiography while serving a jail sentence in prison. His book, “From the Inside”, upon which the film is based, was a best-seller in that country and Mark Read who once robbed and murdered only drug dealers (the man has his morals) is now out of jail and a bona fide celebrity. You can see him making appearances at clubs, sitting in the background of rap videos and he’s written several additional books all of which shot to the top of the Aussie charts. Not bad for a guy who once chopped off his own ears with a razor blade to get moved into a prison’s psych ward and avoid being killed by rivals - hence the name.

Bana’s performance is thoroughly entertaining and original. To prepare for the role he spent a week with Mark Read on his farm in Tasmania where he’s moved for his own safety from the Melbourne underworld he once terrified. They never forget. Bana’s transformation into the character of Chopper involved a significant weight gain, temporary prison tattoos all over his body which took 5 hours a day to apply, fake teeth, a handlebar mustache and a large prosthetic penis. It’s the personality, speech patterns and vernacular, however, that truly make Bana’s take on Read unforgettable:

Australian comedian Heath Franklin of the Ronnie Johns Show has made a nice living sending up Chopper. It’s become the most popular character on the show and several of the clips have gone viral online. When asked in an interview I saw on YouTube what he thought of Ronnie John’s portrayal of him, Read replied “He’s only imitating Eric Bana imitating me - and he’s clearly got ears.”:

Regardless, Franklin’s version is hilarious and there are multiple skits (art dealer, job interview, Chopperware Party, horoscopes, weatherman) from the show available to watch. My personal favorite is the Chopper Heimlich Maneuver. Even if you’ve never heard of Read or seen Bana in the movie - I promise up and down you’ll laugh at this.

Why are these degenerate animals gracing my site this afternoon? They're both old friends of mine, and I sincerely hope their latest venture gets them the attention they deserve. Particularly from the Special Victims Unit of the LAPD. They've been polluting the atmosphere together for so long now that their dialogue and riffing is a natural instinct. It flows and it's really, really funny. If you missed their brilliant turn two years ago hosting Me Myself and Irene - please enjoy their new area of expertise which is Fantasy Football, apparently. The image below is a screenshot which will take you to the video on Comedy.com - their embedding URL isn't working for me.

Fantasy Football has completely revolutionized the way husbands ignore their wives and Doug & Doug are here to completely revolutionize fantasy football with their unconventional wisdom. Join the dynamic duo for their inaugural 2007 Draft and get the picks that George Tenet called a "slam dunk."

As I’ve taken to making and editing videos since the purchase of my sick new camera, I thought a new category might be in order. Veekend Video will appear once a week on Saturday or Sunday and feature something original every time. In addition to the newer material I’ve been having fun with, I have also been ripping and digitizing all of my own home movies circa 1994 - 2000. After that, my analog camera broke and I lost interest. So basically - be very afraid if you hazily remember me wandering around a keg party with a cam 13 years ago. And, as it’s me we’re talking about here, you probably do.

This first installment, entitled “Some Guys Have It”, is a road trip my friend Nick and I took from Guelph to see my sister in Kingston in 1996. I edited it down mercilessly, as I promise never to submit you to long, boring private jokes. I have also added a Wordpress plugin that lets you see the videos length (above the player window) before you start watching it - as it’s been my experience people are more likely to commit if they know it isn’t going to take 10 minutes to watch and another 30 to load. Another facet of the VVs will be that they’re at least sorta-potentially funny for everyone. In this case, Nick and I were so amped up to hit on my sister’s roomates and so certain that we’d “pull” the end results were… you’ll see. Nick’s line at the end makes me laugh to this day (even though I blatantly fed it to him):

I especially like this video because it’s a great little time capsule. You can hear STP and Underworld on Nick’s car stereo. I have to use a pay phone to call my sister and find her house. And wait until you see her frigging hair. Also, watch for the quick pan across Janet’s roomates sitting on the couch after we reach our destination. I don’t remember her name, but one of them is the spitting image of Marilu Henner, and I always enjoyed drooling over her during our short visits. In retrospect, probably why the visits were so short. “Yeah, so you guys should probably get driving.” Ah, hindsight.

Sundays have been known to drag up here at the lake, and it’s important for me to keep my father as stimulated as possible. Over dinner Friday night at a pub in Portland, I asked him if he’d be interested in making a movie about his beloved potato gun. He smiled broadly and I knew I’d just have to start shopping it to the major studios.

Sunday morning we got a bag of spuds, a can of hairspray and headed down to the dock. Filming took about 10 minutes while editing took several hours. I’m getting up to speed with the software though, and I dare say this will probably be the first installment of a Gordo franchise. Even to those who don’t know my Dad, this is probably going to be extremely funny. Enjoy.