Way back in October, 1999, my company at the time decided to take the team to Maine for a good old-fashioned jump from 10,000 feet. We brought everyone with us, from senior management to the 20 Indian programmers on “loan” to us from our sister company in Chennai to the early-twenty-somethings like myself. I paid to have my ridiculously-rapid descent videotaped and about a year ago I digitized it, edited out the awful techno-music they’d dubbed over it all and uploaded it to YouTube – but I don’t think I ever mentioned it here on PITF. So with no further ado, enjoy 225 pounds of Pye hurtling towards Earth…
“Mom, Dad – All is forgiven.”
I edited out all of the promotional material the skydive company weaved in (it was originally over 10 minutes) and dubbed in a little De La Soul – the aptly named track: “Fallin’”. Enjoy my hard to hear but still brilliant one-liners like “See you on the ground”, “Mom and Dad all is forgiven” and my personal favorite, “See you in the next world”. There’s also a definite Chris Farley-influenced head jerk right before I shake the cameraman’s hand at the end, and at least one of my famous De-Niro face pulls. Possibly simultaneously.
Half of us had to sleep overnight in tents due to high winds canceling any more jumps around 4pm on the Saturday. Kyle, Gus, Colin and myself decided to rough it until Sunday and spent a memorable evening around the campfire getting to know the staff of New England Sky Dive – many of whom were from other countries. One Australian lad entertained us by lighting “devil sticks” on fire and then swinging them precariously close to his face. He escaped injury, but the worst bang-up wasn’t to happen until the next morning.
Most of the remaining BrainGEMmers jumped out of the same plane around 9am the next morning. Also on our plane, who jumped last, was a cool girl named Sarah we’d gotten to know the night before. She worked at the air field and was conducting her very first solo jump. After we’d landed safely on the ground, we watched in horror as she drifted off course and slammed into the side of a house several miles away. After we finished shitting corbels, we were told she was OK and began the long drive back to Boston. The next morning, however, Kyle found a news article online describing the death of a young female skydiver at that very location. It turned out to be a false report, but for several hours we were gutted and even went to far as to call SDNE to find out where we could send flowers.
In closing, you haven’t lived until you’ve jumped out of a rickety prop aircraft at 12,000 feet with a 7-foot German tied to your back.
Forwarding viral videos isn’t really my thing, so when I make an exception you can be sure I’m either incredibly technically impressed or have just recovered from an incapacitating 20 minute gut-wrenching belly laugh. This afternoon I was the victim of a little of both – stop what you’re doing and watch this.
Guy Ritchie’s Snatch (not to be confused with Madonna) is on my top 10 list of favorite movies, ever. Frequently when it comes up in conversation I am asked “Yeah, but have you seen Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?” To which I usually reply with one of the following:
“No, Ebert. I’ve been living under a rock for the last 10 years and actually don’t have a huge, all-encompassing obsession with British gangster movies. Please enlighten me.”
“Yes, I stumbled across it last week while perusing your awesome and eclectic movie collection. It was right between Gladiator and Top Gun.”
“Go fuck yourself immediately.”
Snatch is by far the superior movie, and someone with an appreciation for the vocabulary of lead villain “Bricktop” comparable to my own has created a brilliant mashup using footage from Star Wars. Darth Vader’s dialogue is substituted for that of Bricktop and incredible hilarity ensues. For the love of God, do yourself a favor and enjoy this masterpiece:
“You stop me again while I’m walking and I’ll cut your fucking jacobs off”
The marriage of specific scenes with dialogue is incredible, and you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Vader choke one of his Imperial underlings and then call them a “cunt” for good measure. He also appears to have a penchant for tea which I didn’t know about. What did you think?
Even if you don’t give a fig about the movie – you have to watch this. Super-creative and also hilarious. Sounding quite a bit like The Streets, two English guys have taken it upon themselves to carefully edit the movie Predator in time with a narrative rap they’ve written describing the plot of the movie. They claim in the description that it took them 9 months to do this, and after watching I’m prone to believe them.
“My team always works alone, Homeboy.”
I love the way in which they rhyme the lyrics they’ve written with actual quotes from the movie: “Now he can see why Dillon was sent as his minder – ‘You cooked up a story and dropped the six of us in a meat grinder’“. And the way they’ve taken special care to include Hawkins’ jokes is also appreciated by this particular fan. Well done to you, sirs.
Last week my neighbor Don came over to help me get the lake pump started, and Shep heard him approaching through my bedroom window. He proceeded to bark incessantly and I decided to take some video to undoubtedly use for something silly at some point. Friday afternoon my work productivity hit a wall around 4pm and I edited the yippy barrage into my latest cinematic puppy delight. If you dig Kate Bush, all the better.
Whipping young canines into shape takes time, persistence and the patience of a saint. I can hear you asking, “Dave – please tell us your secret!” I’m a generous man, and here it is…
Forget Caesar Milan and save your obedience school money. All you need to know when training a puppy is where to drop a few well-placed “boops“. Set the whole piece to the theme music from Predator, and I think we’ve found the funny.
This video from October 1999 has been gathering dust for a long time. Since everyone desperately needs to have their own obligatory one-time skydiving film, I figured it was high time to digitize it and share it with an appreciative world. I edited out all of the promotional material the skydive company weaved in (it was originally over 10 minutes) and dubbed over the original techno track with a little De La Soul. Enjoy my hard to hear but still brilliant one-liners like “See you on the ground”, “Mom and Dad all is forgiven” and my personal favorite, “See you in the next world”.
In closing, you haven’t lived until you’ve jumped out of a rickety prop aircraft at 12,000 feet with a 7-foot German tied to your back. This was a BrainGEM company trip, and Colin, Brian, Gus, Tanya and many others were with us. The wind was so bad on the Saturday that we all had to sleep over in tents on the airstrip and wait until the next day to jump. True to what I say in the video, we had been at the location in Lebanon Maine for over 24 hours before we finally got to pitch ourselves into the wild blue yonder.
One of the girls who jumped out of my plane (after me) was doing her first solo jump. After I landed we all watched in horror as she drifted off course and hit the side of a nearby house. Having partied with her the night before around a campfire with all of the professional divers, we were more than a little concerned. We were told she was OK and left shortly after without a second thought. The next day we learned (incorrectly) that she had been killed in the accident. While calling various places to get more details and figure out where to send flowers we finally figured out that the article we’d seen on a Maine website had been falsely reported. A very strange conclusion to a very strange weekend. I got the skydiving out of my system, but the bruises on my inner thighs from the parachute straps took over 2 months to fully fade my smile at the end of the video was forced and my descent to Earth was spent biting my lip, determined not to let the fact that my legs felt like they were being sawn off ruin the incredible view and experience. Guys as big as me were not meant to skydive.
Just in time for the Oscars I am very proud to release my latest puppy masterpiece, No Country for Croaky Frog. You’ll watch with glee as Jim Morrison, Will Ferrell and the Coen Brothers are all whimsically exploited for my own personal amusement. Or not.
The only thing better than having a puppy is videotaping said creature and then editing music over the various snippets to create a truly mirthful combination of vignettes. I’ve had a lot of silly movie ideas over the past 10 days of puppy parenthood so I decided to edit the best bits together into one piece of celluloid history.
You’ll see that obviously Boss is none to pleased with his new housemates. Octopi feature quite heavily into the production, as do The Carpenters and Jojo. I fully love these little guys and am having a great, albeit smelly, time with them. I’ll probably put together a proper piece on what life is like here at the lake now that these little monsters have taken over my kitchen. Enjoy.
Operation Puppy has gone off so far without a hitch. Shep and Rhuby seem very much at home very fast. Poops and peeps are happening almost exclusively outside or on their mats and they have slept all the way through the night three times without messing their crate or trying to wake me up. This may be because every night before bed we play “Chuckwagon” where I run around the house and they chase me like little bats out of hell.
Feeding time happens 3 times a day and they each get 1/3 of a cup of kibble for a grand total of one cup daily. Obviously, this is always a very important event for a pup so we decided to film lunch time on Sunday. I inexplicably started singing a related song to the tune of P-Funk, and hence another VV was born.
As walking a cat on a leash seems a bit ridiculous to me, I decided to tape one of my jaunts with my parent’s cat, Spud, on the off-chance anything funny might happen. Watching it back and editing it together with a little Fats Domino, I realized the whole event was funny in and of itself – so I’m featuring it here on Veekend Video.
Not to mention the peacock standoff, poisonous caterpillar warning and controlled burn / raging blaze which touched off only a hundred meters from our trailer. Definitely an interesting 15 minutes of Florida morning, edited down for you here to about 4 and a half. This is one strange universe.
Earlier this year I took my cat, Boss, to the vet to be tested for diabetes. The reason? His incessant fascination with, and imbibement of, water. He’s always been fascinated with the stuff – when he was a kitten at our house in Guelph he’d charge into the bathroom whenever anyone got out of the shower and sit in the tub watching the faucet drip. We nicknamed him “the inspector” and chalked it up to that old kitty curiosity.
Now that he’s 10 years old, 27 trips to the water dish, faucet, shower or sink a day is a little unsettling. Hence the visit to the vet. His bloodwork came back completely normal and I was told he is exceptionally healthy for a creature of his age. I suppose then that his water OCD is just that – the same fixation he’s had since his inception. In which case, it’s kind of cute. I made this video last Sunday, edited the clips together and set it to a classic Tom Jones tune. It turned out remarkably cute and funny, so have a gander.
Reactions to my first music video have certainly run the gamut: “”The gong at the end? Comedy genius”. or my personal favorite “There’s Citizen Kane, there’s Battleship Potemkin and then there’s this”. Regardless, Lucy in the Car with David is a special moment in time. The sort of moment you may spend a lot of time trying to block from your memory for a few days after having watched it. So for goodness sake – make sure your volume is up.
Recorded in Newport Rhode Island roughly two weeks ago while left to my own devices in the parking lot of a liquor store, I think it’s fitting that unadulterated genius was hatched thusly. It’s not the Cavern Club, it’s not Big Pink, it’s the back seat of an Audi Quattro. But it’s undoubtedly a little slice of musical heaven. As it’s Halloween, I dedicate this to Joplin, Cobain, Lennon, Orbison, Hoon, Curtis, Harrison, Dimebag Darryl and anyone else who’d likely spin in their grave given the opportunity to hear LITCWD. No need to thank me for the exercise.
No animals were harmed in the making of this film. Unless you count Kingman and Henry who were inside buying enough liquor to sicken the crew of a pirate ship.
Eric Bana is currently just a stone’s throw from the Hollywood A-List, but the movie that gave the former bartender his start was 2000’s Chopper. The movie tells the intense story of Mark “Chopper” Read, a legendary Australian criminal who wrote his autobiography while serving a jail sentence in prison. His book, “From the Inside”, upon which the film is based, was a best-seller in that country and Mark Read who once robbed and murdered only drug dealers (the man has his morals) is now out of jail and a bona fide celebrity. You can see him making appearances at clubs, sitting in the background of rap videos and he’s written several additional books all of which shot to the top of the Aussie charts. Not bad for a guy who once chopped off his own ears with a razor blade to get moved into a prison’s psych ward and avoid being killed by rivals – hence the name.
Bana’s performance is thoroughly entertaining and original. To prepare for the role he spent a week with Mark Read on his farm in Tasmania where he’s moved for his own safety from the Melbourne underworld he once terrified. They never forget. Bana’s transformation into the character of Chopper involved a significant weight gain, temporary prison tattoos all over his body which took 5 hours a day to apply, fake teeth, a handlebar mustache and a large prosthetic penis. It’s the personality, speech patterns and vernacular, however, that truly make Bana’s take on Read unforgettable:
Australian comedian Heath Franklin of the Ronnie Johns Show has made a nice living sending up Chopper. It’s become the most popular character on the show and several of the clips have gone viral online. When asked in an interview I saw on YouTube what he thought of Ronnie John’s portrayal of him, Read replied “He’s only imitating Eric Bana imitating me – and he’s clearly got ears.”:
Regardless, Franklin’s version is hilarious and there are multiple skits (art dealer, job interview, Chopperware Party, horoscopes, weatherman) from the show available to watch. My personal favorite is the Chopper Heimlich Maneuver. Even if you’ve never heard of Read or seen Bana in the movie – I promise up and down you’ll laugh at this.
Why are these degenerate animals gracing my site this afternoon? They're both old friends of mine, and I sincerely hope their latest venture gets them the attention they deserve. Particularly from the Special Victims Unit of the LAPD. They've been polluting the atmosphere together for so long now that their dialogue and riffing is a natural instinct. It flows and it's really, really funny. If you missed their brilliant turn two years ago hosting Me Myself and Irene – please enjoy their new area of expertise which is Fantasy Football, apparently. The image below is a screenshot which will take you to the video on Comedy.com – their embedding URL isn't working for me.
Fantasy Football has completely revolutionized the way husbands ignore their wives and Doug & Doug are here to completely revolutionize fantasy football with their unconventional wisdom. Join the dynamic duo for their inaugural 2007 Draft and get the picks that George Tenet called a "slam dunk."
As I’ve taken to making and editing videos since the purchase of my sick new camera, I thought a new category might be in order. Veekend Video will appear once a week on Saturday or Sunday and feature something original every time. In addition to the newer material I’ve been having fun with, I have also been ripping and digitizing all of my own home movies circa 1994 – 2000. After that, my analog camera broke and I lost interest. So basically – be very afraid if you hazily remember me wandering around a keg party with a cam 13 years ago. And, as it’s me we’re talking about here, you probably do.
This first installment, entitled “Some Guys Have It”, is a road trip my friend Nick and I took from Guelph to see my sister in Kingston in 1996. I edited it down mercilessly, as I promise never to submit you to long, boring private jokes. I have also added a WordPress plugin that lets you see the videos length (above the player window) before you start watching it – as it’s been my experience people are more likely to commit if they know it isn’t going to take 10 minutes to watch and another 30 to load. Another facet of the VVs will be that they’re at least sorta-potentially funny for everyone. In this case, Nick and I were so amped up to hit on my sister’s roomates and so certain that we’d “pull” the end results were… you’ll see. Nick’s line at the end makes me laugh to this day (even though I blatantly fed it to him):
I especially like this video because it’s a great little time capsule. You can hear STP and Underworld on Nick’s car stereo. I have to use a pay phone to call my sister and find her house. And wait until you see her frigging hair. Also, watch for the quick pan across Janet’s roomates sitting on the couch after we reach our destination. I don’t remember her name, but one of them is the spitting image of Marilu Henner, and I always enjoyed drooling over her during our short visits. In retrospect, probably why the visits were so short. “Yeah, so you guys should probably get driving.” Ah, hindsight.