Pye in the Face

The legal armies of Lucas may break down my door for posting this, but I am so pumped up for Indy 4 that I’m throwing caution to the wind. That’s what Indy would do. This trailer is a bootleg and judging from the plot points discussed and the “surprise” characters you can see and hear (Abner and Marion Ravenwood) I am assuming that it was not meant for release until at least after the film had been in theaters for a few days. The low-quality is also a testament to the fact that someone who works at a trailer editing house probably snuck this out after recording it on their cell phone while Spielberg was out for a fruit smoothie. If you want to be 100% surprised by absolutely everything surrounding the film - don’t watch it.

Video removed by Hollyood’s legal minions, but you can still read my notes:

• This is the first time we’ve seen or heard Marion in any of the trailers. Karen Allen looks really frickin’ great.
• The Mayans we’ve seen creeping around previously in defence of the Temple of the Crystal Skull aren’t a pocket of survivors untouched by civiliazation - they’re undead.
• Ray Winstone’s Mac, basically a replacement for the late Denholm Elliot ’s Marcus Brody, looks to provide some solid comic relief. “Put your hands down. You’re embarassing us.”
• I knew Marion was along for the jungle adventure, but judging from the brief glimpse of Indy protecting a bearded John Hurt it looks like Abner’s in the thick of it too. I am thinking from his appearence, and another brief glimpse of a random guy in a cell, that perhaps the adventurers find Ravenwood locked up in South America somewhere. Either that or the Russians have him.
• Is that Spalko jumping out of the tree like a jaguar near the end? Because that would be awesome.
• I’m shocked that I’m not actually snickering at the thought of Shia as toughguy greaser Mutt Williams anymore.

Spielberg is definitely having a shit fit today because this has been leaked, and I feel for him because I know from all of my fanatical attention to info on this film that it is absolutely beloved to him. But I am happier in the knowledge that I can now say that without a doubt this movie looks seriously awesome. I couldn’t be happier about that.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is released one month from today. I have had so much fun anticipating the film and enjoying the trickle of photos and info as it’s been revealed that I almost dread Indy’s impending arrival. I’d probably tack on another month if I could just to revel in the antici… pation a little while longer.

Just what am I supposed to focus my rampant nerdery after May 22nd, I ask you? Being an Indy fan is almost forgivable and cool. There isn’t a phaser, a star ship or a pair of pointy ears in sight. I’m afraid I might blow a gasket and start playing D&D with myself at night. By candlelight. On the end of my dock. You know - really give the ladies something to start swooning about.

While we’re all here, and I can still share some of my alarmingly comprehensive KOTCS knowledge with you before the big day, I suppose I should. Especially since I have so much of it rolling around in my crystal skull that I can boil it all down to only the most interesting rumors, plot points, character info, etc. I’ll try to stay away from brutal spoilers, but be forewarned.

• Some early reports say that Indy 4 is too long, too far-fetched and that the reason the studio isn’t allowing reviewers to see it until the day before it is released (highly unusual) is because it’s just plain bad. One article even goes so far as to predict Shia Labeouf’s Mutt Williams is the franchise’s very own Jar Jar Binks.
• Other early reports say that it is the best of the sequels, with the best story, the best ensemble of actors and characters in the series and that George and Steven are keeping their cards close to their chest right up until the release as a service to the loyal fan base who may have the experience sullied if too much gets out.
• I have read in several places that Cate Blanchett’s villainess, Russian Agent Irina Spalko, is pitch perfect and jaw-dropping as a female Indy baddie. One lucky and anonymous chap who has seen the final film called it a “characterization that achieves instant cult status”. If you haven’t seen her in costume, enjoy. I know I do every night before bed with a belt around my neck for about 2 and a half minutes:

• Although he’s been the brunt of jokes since the movie was announced, I haven’t heard one negative peep regarding Harrison Ford’s 66 years. What I have heard is that he is convincing, in amazing shape and looking good. There are plenty of photos now online and a full length trailer to support this. If you have yet to see the Indy 4 trailer, click through and do so. If you remotely enjoyed Indy films as a kid and you don’t get a massive chill - there is something very wrong with you. And actually, just frig off to go rent Atonement.

The days leading up to Indy 4 have me as optimistic as ever, but not blindly so - I realize that reviving the franchise almost 20 years after the Last Crusade can be accurately considered a fool’s errand. If the movie ends up stinking like a Nazi rotting in the hot sun, I won’t pretend that it doesn’t. My faith is strong, however. I haven’t seen or read anything that worries me. We’re coming off a year that saw both Rambo and Rocky come back and work. I still predict that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will see a 66 year-old Harrison Ford spearheading the largest grossing summer action movie in history. I’ve called my shot. Now I need to call my mother to come pick me up.

I’ve been at rapt nerd attention when it comes to all things Indy 4, but I haven’t broken any hot news items or derived any potential plot spoilers from the available information myself. However, I think I just figured something out that I haven’t seen mentioned anywhere yet so I’ll share it with you here first.

What do you get when you cross a National Geographic for Kids article which eludes to Indy and Mutt Williams running through the jungle being chased by “giant bugs”…

With track 16 on the unreleased soundtrack listing by John Williams entitled, “ANTS!”…

Presumably, something like this:

Did Indy and Mutt follow the giant ants upon Hagrid’s advice looking for Aragog? George. Steven. I’d like a word.

The official and just-released poster for this summer’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull follows the old-school painting style of movie marketing that was so prevalent in the 80s but has since dwindled out in favor of brash graphics, digital photography and Kiera Knightly’s side-boob. This poster could easily be hanging over the drive-in snack bar beside that of The Empire Strikes Back. Well done to Paramount and the filmmakers for staying true to the style of the first three films, yet again.

And don’t forget to visit my Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Squidoo lens where I’ve aggregated all of the best RSS feeds related to Indy 4 news in one easy to read location. May 22nd draws ever closer, and perhaps I’ll once again be permitted to kiss a girl on the 23rd!

“You’re a teacher?” “Part time.”

Come on now. How fucking awesome does this look?

According to AICN, the long awaited, highly anticipated, masturbated over, exhaustively discussed “teaser trailer” for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will debut Thursday on ABC’s Good Morning America and make its way to Yahoo movies, the official site, and theaters shortly thereafter. The teaser is also rumored to be playing in front of this weekend’s big release, The Spiderwick Chronicles.

Teaser trailers are usually only made for big-budget and popularly themed movies. Their purpose is less to tell the audience about a movie’s content than simply to let them know that the movie is coming up in the near future, and to add to the hype of the upcoming release. Teaser trailers are often made while the film is still in production or being edited and as a result they may feature scenes or alternate versions of scenes that are not in the finished film. Teaser trailers today are increasingly focused on internet downloading and the convention circuit. For example, here is my teaser for an upcoming puppy movie currently in post-production entitled “Octopus Attack”.

I need to do a couple of re-shoots, particularly the scene where Shep lays cable when he’s supposed to be running in fear from the beast, but look for it to debut on Veekend Video. Also look for me to be locked up soon by Animal Cops Detroit.

“No time for love, Dr. Pepper!”

…Write about Indiana Jones if I want to, Write about Indiana Jones if I want to. You would write too if you happened to be… a huge frigging nerd. Doo doo doo doo doo doo! I’m here all week. Try the chilled monkey brains.

As of yet there have been few glimpses inside Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - literally. In all I think there have been only 3 official stills leaked and those were soon pulled down by hoardes of studio lawyers. The wait is over! Famed photographer Annie Liebovitz was given full access to the set over the summer and Vanity Fair’s January 2008 issue is chock full of juicy photos. I’m going to repost them here because surely no one at Paramount would mind/knows I’m alive.

Let’s talk about the cover, shall we? Harrison Ford looks great, he did something like 75% of his own stunts and when the film hits theatres on memorial day he’ll be 66 years old and the star of the biggest summer blockbuster of all time. That’s my 2008 prediction, kids. Spiderman, Anakin Skywalker and Samwise Gamgee are going to suck bad dates (follow that last link. Pure genius) - and they’re going to like it. Shia’s greaser character, rumored to be the lovechild of Indy and Marion Ravenwood, is also looking believable. I first saw him on the first Project Greenlight when he was unknown and picked to star in The Battle of Shaker Heights. Since then he’s embarked on an amazing career, nailed Rhiannon and… is that… a jawline and some stubble I see? I was initially horrified to learn he’d been cast but since then I’ve seen Transformers and Disturbia - and the kid gots chops. This could work.

Next we have George Lucas, Harrison and Steven Spielberg on what looks to be the soundstage for interior shots of the Mayan temple that is said to figure in to the plotline. As the crystal skull mythology (it’s nothing new) heavily involves that ancient civilization this is no surprise. Indy battles the Russians this time around and the film is set in 1957. One of the reasons I think this will work is that no one is trying to pretend they aren’t as old as the dirt used to replicate the weight of a golden idol. There will also be limited CGI and Spielberg has said he is going to scale back his direction, editing and cinematography to the level/style it was at in the 80s. In the Vanity Fair article he explains how hard it was to scale back in this fashion - there will be no Munich-esque handheld cameras, at any rate.

Let’s get to the ladies of Indy 4 - Karen Allen looks absolutely lovely at 55, and as one of everybody’s favorite characters from the original trilogy Marion Ravenwood’s inclusion was a solid, solid decision on Lucas’ part. She was easily lured out of semi-retirement in Massachusetts where she has been running a successful knit clothing store. I have heard speculation that the Russians kidnap Marion in order to force Indy to help them recover the crystal skull. Along the way he’ll obviously discover that his greaser student Shia is also his son. I’m looking forward to seeing how Lucas has made it all pan out.

And the moment everyone’s been waiting for - the world’s very first look at Cate Blanchett as Indy’s fourth nemesis: Agent Spalko. Add this Russian baddy to the disturbing ranks of Belloq, Toht, Mola Ram and Walter Donovan. The article features a two-minute video of the cast posing for Leibovitz and you get a much better look at Cate there. She looks incredibly sinister and ridiculously hot at the same time. Another victory for the casting department and costume designers.

I can’t wait to learn more about Ray Winstone’s character, Mac, who is said to be a friendly rival of Indy. Most likely a replacement for Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliott died of AIDS in 1992) or Sallah. The fact that John Rhys-Davies is not participating is sad, but then again the film isn’t set in the middle east but South America this time around. And there’s no indication there won’t be a cameo. Speaking of cameos… Sir Connery, anyone? I didn’t like Shia, I didn’t like the title, but it’s all falling into place and the flick looks amazing so far. You know if Spielberg and Lucas dusted off that old fedora they’re taking the project very seriously as it could seriously tarnish their legacies and that of the franchise. Wow - most anticipated film, evah for little old me.

Sponsor: You can find information about blogs online which is helpful for those who don’t have blogs now and might want to make a blog of their own. For those who don’t have a blog now, get info on blogs and start making one.

How is that for a prediction? Yes, you heard it here first, Hollywood and countries around the globe will produce at least a handful of movies in the new year. Of course… my title relates to specific movies I am looking forward to, you silly geese. As always, my old friend Brukakke asked me to participate in his 2008 movies article which I did amazingly without having to be asked a second or third time. He’s hung up on Star Trek while I have obviously been looking forward to an excuse to post this, which was released to masses of whip-stroking, drooling 34-yr-somethings earlier this month:

Other movies I look forward to in 2008 include: RocknRolla, Valkyrie, Semi-Pro, The Dark Knight and Bond 22. Here is a great list of upcoming 2008 flicks and their vital statistics. Have a look and let me know what you’re digging. I think it’s safe to say it’s going to be a very good year.

Somehow in spite of my jalopy laptop, long weekend trip and intermittent as frick internet connection I hast doth returned. Getting to Toronto in a car from here usually takes 3 hours. It took 7 on Friday night and 5 the other way on Sunday. I managed to pick the worst Canadian winter in a decade and a half, literally, to relocate to the countryside and it’s doing my head in. Dead network card in the laptop, and now that I managed to hook up an old desktop to keep me working - the internet connection drops out for hours on a whim. So there’s my excuse for my MIAness. Let’s see if I can catch up for the week so far in 5 minutes or less.

Veekend Video: Mitch continues to moisten undergarments everywhere with his latest ad campaign. See you at the Best Buddy X-Mas party, where I’ll be selling spare undergarments at the “captive audience” price of $40:

Quotelet: The only photos I’m remotely interested in showing you are the first three official production stills hot off the press for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I was going to link to them here - alas I just found out the studio demanded AICN take them down. Oh well, here’s a photo of one of the temple miniatures made for the film instead. And Karen Allen’s (Marion Ravenwood) knitwear store which is located in Great Barrington, MA. Good heavens she is looking lovely for 55. It seems like only yesterday I was a 7-year-old watching her nude scene in Animal House whilst rubbing myself in the pants.

Wadio: The only sweet dulcet tones you need to hear today are those of your heartstrings plucking… as you check out 11 new photos of my puppy, Shepherd Pye! He had his dew claws yanked on Friday and is apparently fat, healthy and cantankerous. I’m all for gender-neutrality,but I’ll have to speak to the breeder about the pink pussywillow and snow white blanket backdrop. Shep will be drinking mineral water and collecting Joan Crawford postcards before he’s housebroken.

A Few More Notes:

• I like the new Foo Fighter’s song (the road to ruin one) and I’m relieved as I’ve been thoroughly uninterested in everything since “Learn to Fly”.
• You know it’s 2007 (and possibly End of Days) when CNN spends the entire day discussing the fact that Romney’s Western faith might hurt him in the election - free campaign advice: start wearing a bhirka.
• I have killed 11 mice so far in my effort to rid our garage and the Winchester of vermin. Don’t bother with the traditional wooden traps. There are these new fangled plastic ones that force mice to lift a flap to access the bait - so gone are the days of stolen cheese lumps and unsprung traps.
• I posted my Amazon wish list in the sidebar in case anyone wants to get me something for my birthday (tomorrow) or Christmas. Call it gift-insurance, Blade Runner begging or DVD on bended knee if you like. On a related note, I have just realized that there is nothing more obnoxious than posting your Amazon wish list in your sidebar.

Thanks for your patience, kids. Missing a day on here truly bothers me and I’m striving to get PITF back to the level of activity it enjoyed this time last year. I encourage you all to comment and participate in the Quizzlets once again. I’m one year older tomorrow, but short of freezing to death in a ditch in my Charger-coffin the blog will be around for a long time to come.

My folks just took off to Florida for the winter and I am officially Ted Kaczinsky. Alone, in the woods, growing a beard, writing a manifesto and sending C4 through the mail to people I don’t like whilst dressed up like Weird Al Yankovich. Not really. If it’s any less disturbing, and let’s face it - it probably isn’t - the Indiana Jones costume I have prepared for a Halloween party tonight in Kingston is tres, tres dope. If I do say so Myself. Let me break it down for you.

• An authentic Indiana Jones hat which I bought online from the company who makes them for the movies.
• An $8 bullwhip replica I found on eBay. The real thing goes for $700.
• One of my father’s replica revolvers, complete with holster, which looks frighteningly authentic. If I am shot to death tonight by the OPP there need be little question as to why.
• An over the shoulder belt and WWII satchel that my Mom sewed out of an old canvas beach bag prior to  her departure.
• Khaki pants which are fairly faithful to those worn by Harrison.
•  An off-white collared shirt with a few pockets and things that I found in my Dad’s golf closet.

I tried it on for the first time a couple hours ago and I’m quite happy with it. After I put it on at my party location, I will proceed to smear a little dirt on myself and bloody up my knuckles like I’ve been battering Nazis and/or Thuggees for two hours. The hat is perfect and really makes the whole costume. I will post photos of the Indy getup next week and I invite you to send in your own 2007 Halloween costume photos which I’ll post and review, should I get any. Email them to me and then brace yourselves.

I spent quite a bit of time over the summer building and maintaining a Squidoo lens devoted to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I checked it for the first time in a week or so and it’s been as high as #2 in their Movies section, and broke the top 50 network wide. Considering there are now over 100,000 Squidoo lenses - that’s not too damn shabby. If you haven’t looked at it yet, please take a gander.

I also paid a designer to re-imagine my silly dog sweater site. I have updated it once or month or so since then redesign and traffic has gone through the roof. One day last week, the Google ads at the top of the main page got over 100 clicks! My point is, you never know when something you’ve created might hit a tipping point. The best example was two years ago when live cockroach brooches were featured on America’s Top Model and my uber-silly celebrity blog spoof ended up getting 5 thousand hits the next day. The same thing happened more recently when the little buggers were used as a plot device on CSI: New York and again the search engine traffic blew up temporarily.

You can slave away mercilessly on an idea for years and never hit the sort of perfect traffic storm that comes from something - an article, a top 10 list, a photo - going viral. Chris Crocker I’m not. But that’s obviousvly a very good problem to have.

Appetizer: When was the last time you visited a hospital?
I have been to my Grandmother’s nursing home many times over the summer which is quite like a hospital. In the last 12 months I’ve also broken and split my nose (December) and sliced my eyeball (June) so I’m no stranger to the real deal, either. Check back with me in a month when I’m due to have absentmindedly removed my right testicle with a dull soup spoon.

Soup: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you?
I’m a 10 - in the sense that I want a jetski, I want an apartment in Toronto, I want a castle in Scotland - it’s doing anything about it that’s the problem. Like working in the middle of a weekday instead of writing in your blog, for a practical example.

Salad: Make a sentence using the letters of a body part.
Every afternoon Ronald drives ’round Underhill Moor, mullered.

Main Course: If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter and name be?
I have been invited by my dog breeder to join the Ottawa Boston Terrier club. I’m seriously considering it, and I reckon that will take up all of my free club time for the foreseeable future. But, if I must answer - You are welcome to visit my Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull group on FaceBook. And then to never speak to me again. I’ll understand.

Dessert: What color is the carpet/flooring in your home?
Way to cut right to the heart of my soul, quizzlet. It’s mostly light hardwood with a few throw rugs… thrown around for good measure. Our house is only 3 years old so it’s still rocking the lovely new planks we laid down when it was built.