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…And I’m Out Like Swayze


in Television

swayze-the-beastPatrick – Pye in the Face is pulling for you. Looking forward to the premiere of The Beast on January 14th, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t end up being your swan song. Pneumonia and cancer, however, do not tend to mix well. My thoughts are with you, Road House Curse be dammned.

Beast executive producer John Romano added that Swayze gives the show 100 percent. “He’s bringing the force of his own personal struggle into the performance,” he said. “He does it five days a week, 12 hours a day.”

Patrick fans, early reports lead me to believe that his new show might be something very special. Tune in to A&E this Thursday when we all get to see for ourselves. Hang in there, sir.

In a cruel twist of timing last year, Swayze learned of his diagnosis four hours after The Beast had been picked up for a full 13-episode season. Despite Swayze’s condition, A&E stuck to its commitment, in large part because Swayze was so keen on continuing. Swayze subsequently missed only one day of work during the first season of The Beast, which was shot in Chicago and completed last November.

The man is truly as tough as Dalton.

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Gran Torino: Eastwood, Fish Heads & Heart


in

Movies tend to become part of the mix over the Holiday Season, and by “Holiday Season” I of course mean Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Nothing, as you can probably surmise at this point, fills me with yuletide cheer quite like political incorrectness. Perhaps that is the reason I’ve already seen Gran Torino three times. Boy, do I love it when all the Academy DVD screeners get released every December!

grantorinoreview
Stay off Walt’s lawn. Seriously.

But enough about my cinematic procurement practices – Gran Torino is an excellent movie that everyone should see and the classic car may never again be associated with Starsky and Hutch. Walt Kowalski reminds me of another Eastwood character, namely Gunny Highway from Heartbreak Ridge. Both are salty war veterans with very little time for bullshit. Both will sooner swing a fist or cock a pistol than stand around chatting with “slack-jawed fruitcakes”. And, most importantly, both are hard men forced to rethink their respective prejudices when they see ways in which they can have a positive effect on a young person’s life.

Highway is a Marine Core drill sergeant, so molding said fruitcakes into masculine killing machines is his job. Kowalski, on the other hand, is a recently-widowed and exceptionally crusty retiree who regards his children, grandchildren and new Asian neighbors as unbelievable wastes of space.

“Kowalski is a recognizable type, the gruff, sometimes bigoted old man who may be hiding more heart than he lets on. Even though he’s not too caring at the start, “he ends up expressing love to a family he’s never known before,” – Clint Eastwood

The “love” in question is a long time coming. Particularly hilarious are Walt’s exchanges with the family’s Grandmother as she chews tobacco on their front porch and produces dark-brown horks that put Walt’s to shame. “Why do you still live in this neighborhood you proud old rooster?” she asks him in her ancient Hmong dialect. All of the white folks who used to live in Walt’s community, since the end of the Korean War and during his three decades working at the local Ford plant, have indeed long since died or moved away. “Johnson would turn over in his grave if he could see his lawn right now“, Walt remarks to himself during one such staring contest with Grandma.

The “hood” is now just that, with a Latino and Asian gang jockeying for position and the souls of local male residents – although my favorite scene of the entire movie is when Walt spots Sue, the youngest daughter of the neighbor’s brood, being harassed by a trio of African American gentlemen. “Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn’t have messed with? That’s me.” When the distain with which he looks at his own grandchildren is taken into account, Walt’s prejudices may be aimed primarily at younger generations than any one ethnic group. That statement may be a little hard to swallow when he first drives up in his battered white pickup and asks the youths, “What the hell are you spooks doing?” – but bear with me. By the time the credits roll there will be no doubt in your mind that Walt Kowalski is a very good man.

When her younger brother is caught red-handed trying to steal Walt’s prized possession, a mint-condition 1973 Gran Torino which he himself “put the steering column in himself, right on the line“, a new story arc emerges. “Toad” as Walt calls him, was forced by his cousin’s gang to try and steal the car as initiation into their gang – which Walt knows full well Thao does not want to join. The confused young man becomes Walt’s project of sorts, and the two gradually form a tight bond which “saves” both of them in the end. And what a conclusion it is.

walt-toad
“I’m going to buy you some tools so you don’t have to hang out with them anymore.”

Walt starts to liken the Asian gang to the Korean soldiers he fought 50 years earlier during the war. Instead of communism, however, he is battling to save Thao and his family. “I used to stack you five-high and then use you as sand bags. Now get off my lawn“, he tells the leader whilst pointing the same M1 Garand rifle he used overseas during the first of several tense encounters throughout the film. Later in the film, after the friendship develops, he admits to him that he used the gun to blow the heads off quite a few Koreans – no older than Toad himself.

The remorse he obviously begins to feel increases as the movie progresses – particularly when he confides in his late wife’s favorite priest that “it’s not what you’re ordered to do that you remember. It’s what you’re not ordered to do.” Walt’s salvation from his frequently hinted at wartime atrocities presents itself in the form of a likeable young man who really needs his help. “Hmong girls go to college while the boys go to jail,” Sue tells him at one point. Not if Walt has anything to say about it.

I’ll leave the synopsis and the spoilers there. It’s a touching, honest film with as much humor as there is heart. The racial epithets might make a few people cringe (or protest) but that’s how some people talk and Walt, a “stupid Polack” as his barber likes to remind him, isn’t spared. I’d like to make a list of all the slang terms used in the film and probably will during my inevitable fourth viewing of this superb film. Can’t recommend it enough and if reading this “review” leads you to watch it please come back and leave a comment telling me what you thought. Likewise, if you’ve seen it, I want to hear your thoughts.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Little Chocolate Obamas


in Boston, Musical, Politics

When I last wrote a Quizzlet 2 weeks ago, I mentioned that the site, www.FridaysFeast.com, from which I used to mine the questions, hadn’t been updated in 4 months. I emailed the woman who owns the site and offered to take it over myself. I received no reply, and when I checked a few minutes ago found that it’s been taken down completely.

I sorta feel like the ‘movie bad guy’ whose object of affection jumps off a cliff rather than become his girlfriend. I can’t think of any specific cinematic examples, but I know they exist. A little help, people? Regardless, looks like I’ll have to write them again myself this week. As always, please feel free to contribute your own answers in the comments!

Appetizer: What is your favorite John Belushi SNL skit?
I know a lot about the history of SNL, and I enjoy talking about it so perhaps I’ll make this a regular Quizzlet question. I knew the answer to this before I wrote the question so I was relieved to actually find this clip online – although I’m not able to embed it. Click the image to watch it.

belushi-donuts
“Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.”

My favorite element is definitely the lit cigarette. And the facial expressions are unmistakably Belushi. All told, fitness was a very different pursuit in the late 1970s. My friend Doug Triconi first turned me on to this skit by talking about and reinacting it a million times before I ever actually managed to catch it on a re-run. I was happy to discover recently that it’s featured on the SNL Best of John BelushiDVD.

Soup: What does Thanksgiving mean to you?
Obviously it’s a time to reflect on your life and appreciate the people in it. I like to also physically enact this by getting myself to Concord, Massachusetts and hanging out with all my old high school friends once a year. I skipped it in ’07 and really, really missed being there – So much that I wrote about it and created a Ghosts of Thanksgivings Past photo gallery to share with everyone I wouldn’t be seeing. So, fully repentant, on Sunday I’m throwing wee Shep in the Charger and heading on down to MA for a week. Mon/Tues/Wed I’ll be in the office. Tuesday night Janet is hosting a birthday party for our dogs (also siblings) Rhubarb and Shepherd. It’s a family-friendly party that will allow me to spend some time with all my little North End buddies like Griffin, Maya, Bella and Lorenzo – and they’ll finally get to meet the pups they have heard so much about and been giving me drawings of for the past year. I have a bunch of them on the bulletin board over my desk right now.

Wednesday night Matt is having a bash at his house (which also happens to be right beside the high school) that we’ve used Facebook to invite 3 grades of early 90s CCHS students to. It’s going to be awesome. Thursday morning we’ll drive to Bedford for the big football game, our hands wrapped tightly around Dunkin’ Donuts cups spiked with Kahlua. Then I’ll eat with Jim and his family and likely end up back at Matt’s for more silliness in the evening. Maybe Papa Razzi on route 2. Maybe the Makaha – the suspense is killing me. Friday I have tickets to the noon Bruins game and will be hitting the Garden with Detroit Velvet Smooth, The Hammer, John David, J-Mac, Greg and a host of other old pals. Friday night DVS and his lovely (and likely hesitant) wife are hosting a gathering at their pad in West Acton. Saturday is earmarked for movies, New London Style grinders and recovery. Sunday I’ll be returning home after a week of professional productivity and sentimental sousey socializing. Jealous much? My liver isn’t.

Salad: Who is your favorite band of the moment?
We all have our all-time favorite bands well established, but my favorite group of the moment is definitely De La Soul. My previously-declared love for Q-Tip’s The Renaissance has encouraged me to have one of my own in regards to hip-hop. The two albums I’ve been spinning all week are De La Soul is Dead and Buhloone Mind State, the latter is gravely underappreciated and thoroughly excellent. Here is my favorite track off the 1994 album, Breakadawn.


“Yo, I don’t know who’s been on this mic but this thing smell awful here.” – ‘Stone Age’ from Buhloone Mind State

Main Course: Feel any better about Obama?
Not really. As I have stuck my neck out and said (it’s not a popular opinion within my social sphere) I am worried about national defense under Barry’s administration – but I plan to give him an ample chance to prove himself before I start whinging about it like every other unqualified hack in the blogosphere did about Bush for nearly a decade. I am showing remarked restraint thus far.

Dessert: What is your favorite vintage arcade game and why?
The first game I really obsessed about and would beg my father to drive me into Ottawa every weekend to play was the incredibly difficult (even today) Spy Hunter. Maybe it was my love of all things Bond in 1984 that caused me to dig it so much, but I did. In spite of the fact that once you switched into the high gear setting, your car flew up the road so quickly that – at 10 years of age – you had a better chance of remembering PI to the 300th decimal point.

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Quantum of Compromise


in Movies

Regardless of how many adult die hard James Bond fans there are in existence – and there are many – we don’t go to the movies as much as our younger pop culture consumers. Everyone’s favorite British Secret agent was getting a little long in the tooth and falling further and further off the radar of today’s popcorn munching demographic. I thought Brosnan did an excellent job as James Bond, but when he told the Broccoli’s he wasn’t coming back for another round after Die Another Day – I expect Barb saw the handwriting on the wall and knew that more drastic measures were called for if the franchise were to continue into a fifth decade.

QOS
Silhouette of Violent Impending Death

Enter Mr. Daniel Craig. Initially, although I’ve been a fan since I first noticed him in Road to Perdition, I didn’t like him for the next James Bond. This was only because one of my personal favorites, Eric Bana, was also being considered for the role. To say that things have worked out for the best would be a severe understatement. Admittedly my judgment was clouded on the matter and they could not have selected a better man for the re-imagining and reboot of one of the most successful, prolific and sacred movie franchises in human history.

My point and do I have one? After first seeing the 22nd Bond film, Quantum of Solace almost a week ago, I have read a slew of State-side reviews and they all not-so-cleverly compare the flick to a modern action franchise that has become the standard by which all others are measured – and rightfully so. “The name is Bourne. Jason Bourne.” I can accept this to a point, but many people that find the pint-sized Matt Damon completely believable as the rouge agent are absorbing this comparison hook, line and sinker.

daniel-craigIt’s important to remember a few things before daring to mouth the word “ripoff“. The Bond films are a business, and no matter how strong their history or fan base – if they cease to make money they will cease to be made. That would be a far bigger tragedy than having to tweak the formula to attract the modern-day wallets. It is possible to please both sides of the theater aisle, and this weekend’s 70 million dollar U.S. opening is a testament to that fact. It can be done, and it has been done. Well… done.

The other talking point reviewers are parroting this weekend, however, is that the new movie is a step back for the new Bond. Again, I have to bring you folks back down to reality (my reality, anyway). Royale was a very tough act to follow but Solace was also required to be a very different movie. It’s the first Bond film to ever continue the plot of the previous one, and that plot is easily summed up in one word: revenge. The Bond we already understand to be the most ruthless, thuggish and brutal since Connery rocked the tux wants the asses of those responsible for the death of Vesper.

The very first scene of the movie is a heart-stopping, hairpin car chase through the mountains of Italy, during which many of Quantum’s (S.P.E.C.T.R.E. for the new millennium,) goons are dispatched into the next life – and the action rarely slows down for the duration. The subtle set up, character development and tie-ins to Fleming’s world were already established in Casino Royale, creating the bridge from Brosnan to Craig – and now it’s clobberin’ time.

Although I definitely bemoan the absence of John Cleese’s Q, Judi Dench and Jeffery Wright are on hand and effective as M and Felix. There is one other “character” from the Bonds of yester-year that is noticeably absent. The uber-villain. I don’t need to see white cats, boomerang hats and stainless steel dentistry in every film, but we’ve got to do a bit better with the main nemesis’ in these otherwise wonderful reboots. So far we’ve had a twitchy Frenchman with a penchant for knots and a slightly grumpy, bug-eyed environmentalist, also French. I’d like the first scene of the next script to read something like this:

max-zorin-bond-villain

INT. ORBITING SPACE STATION – TIME OF DAY IRREVLEVANT BECAUSE IT’S FRIGGING SPACE

Cigarette smoke and Russian dialect fills the control room. From the vantage point of a CAGED PRISONER, we see TWISTED FUCK BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION enter through an automatic door with a visible limp, metallic hand and boa constrictor around his neck.

I don’t need cufflink darts, tuxedos or Lotus Esprits. I do need a British protagonist who is also a semi-sadistic womanizing thug and a villain with some sort of mental illness and the potential to give young children nightmares. I hope we can compromise on those points, Barbara Broccoli – but otherwise, fantastic job thus far. I am drinking a second huge martini of relief.

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Deer in the Headlights. Literally


in Animalistic, Canadiana

These Ontario deers will be the death of me. 3 times I have had them dash in front of my car since I’ve lived up here and 3 times I narrowly managed to avoid the collision. As it tends to do, my luck ran out Monday night.

A big ass Bambi’s mama doe ran right out in front of me while I was on a dark rural highway going the speed limit (thank God. For once.) of 80km which is about 54mph. I went from bopping along to Feels So Good by Mase like it was 1998 again to violently slamming on the brakes as its head hit my left headlight before the whole beast went below the car and tore up the undercarriage. Deer was spit out into the woods and not seen again, but I doubt it survived.

I found part of my wheel well 25 feet behind the car (it was pitch black – I have since added a flashlight to my auto toolkit) and put it in the trunk. I walked back a little further and squinted for the deer but I could hardly see my hand in front of my face. It was eerie and incredibly reminiscent of the opening scenes of most horror movies. I won’t even mention the blood. But only because I don’t have to. I have pictures.

IMG 1918

Talk about remote – I was at the side of the road for an hour and not a single car drove past. Friggin’ spooky and my thoughts turned to the as of yet undiscovered communities of Kingston-area Sasquatch more than once. After slowly attempting to drive about 5 feet and hearing a loud scraping noise, I scooted under the car and tucked the torn edge of the plastic undercarriage cover under another part and drove very slowly, finally making it home around 2 a.m. My ABS light was on the whole way home and Tuesday morning I discovered a lot of loose wires hanging down from the engine block, so I assume there is some serious electrical repair needed in addition to the nonsense underneath.

IMG 1909

So yeah – That was the 4th time in the last year a deer has run out in front of my car. I bought these deer whistles that you attach to your bumper which supposedly scare them away as wind blows through them a few months ago but never stuck them on. Wicked smart. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration there are about 1.5 million car accidents with deer each year that result in $1 billion in vehicle damage, about 150 human fatalities, and over 10,000 personal injuries. So have a think about that the next time you give a hunter the evil eye. Deers: So cute. So, so very stupid.

IMG 1921

I’m sad about the car but grateful I walked away. The damage has not yet been fully assessed as I wait for a call back from the insurance company. The bumper is covered in blood and hair and was definitely pushed in before popping back out – but the “krinkling” is very minimal. Aesthetically, the car got off extremely lightly and the Charger will charge again. Like the Light Brigade. Eventually I’ll add my photos to this post but I gots to get to work now because my deductible is $500. Poppa needs a brand new insurance company.

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Big Ass Indy 4 Trailer Leaked Online


in Movies

The legal armies of Lucas may break down my door for posting this, but I am so pumped up for Indy 4 that I’m throwing caution to the wind. That’s what Indy would do. This trailer is a bootleg and judging from the plot points discussed and the “surprise” characters you can see and hear (Abner and Marion Ravenwood) I am assuming that it was not meant for release until at least after the film had been in theaters for a few days. The low-quality is also a testament to the fact that someone who works at a trailer editing house probably snuck this out after recording it on their cell phone while Spielberg was out for a fruit smoothie. If you want to be 100% surprised by absolutely everything surrounding the film – don’t watch it.

Video removed by Hollyood’s legal minions, but you can still read my notes:

  • This is the first time we’ve seen or heard Marion in any of the trailers. Karen Allen looks really frickin’ great.
  • The Mayans we’ve seen creeping around previously in defence of the Temple of the Crystal Skull aren’t a pocket of survivors untouched by civiliazation – they’re undead.
  • Ray Winstone’s Mac, basically a replacement for the late Denholm Elliot ‘s Marcus Brody, looks to provide some solid comic relief. “Put your hands down. You’re embarassing us.”
  • I knew Marion was along for the jungle adventure, but judging from the brief glimpse of Indy protecting a bearded John Hurt it looks like Abner’s in the thick of it too. I am thinking from his appearence, and another brief glimpse of a random guy in a cell, that perhaps the adventurers find Ravenwood locked up in South America somewhere. Either that or the Russians have him.
  • Is that Spalko jumping out of the tree like a jaguar near the end? Because that would be awesome.
  • I’m shocked that I’m not actually snickering at the thought of Shia as toughguy greaser Mutt Williams anymore.

Spielberg is definitely having a shit fit today because this has been leaked, and I feel for him because I know from all of my fanatical attention to info on this film that it is absolutely beloved to him. But I am happier in the knowledge that I can now say that without a doubt this movie looks seriously awesome. I couldn’t be happier about that.

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The Road House Curse


in Movies

Dalton: So, you play pretty good for a blind white boy.
Cody: Yeah, and I thought you’d be bigger.

The 1989 movie Road House has always held a special place in my heart. Even moreso after I started working at bars in various capacities and found I could put a lot of Dalton’s Zen-like bouncing and shithead-management principles into practical use. “Expect the unexpected. Take it outside. Be nice.” Whoever wrote that movie obviously spent a fair amount of time in that dirty business themselves. Hopefully with shorter hair and looser blue jeans.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z0CngDuHcc[/youtube]

The cast of Road House is having a rough week. First the ever-so-awesome Jeff Healey dies Monday of pancreatic cancer at the tender age of 41, and now Patrick Swayze is reportedly close to death suffering from the exact same thing. It’s beyond uncanny and Kelly Lynch better watch her breathtaking Roadhouse heiney. Because we’ve seen this sort of thing before, kids.

lynch-roadhouse

Is everyone familiar with Poltergeist? It’s the exceptionally scary movie that Spielberg made in 1981 and an eerie series of events befell many of the people associated with the both original and subsequent sequels. And I’m not talking about nasty clowns, a pool full of corpses or a TV on the fritz. Here is a quick run down and upon some new research today it’s even worse than I remembered.

  1. She didn’t have a lot of screen time in the movie (“What’s happening? WHAT’S HAPPENING?!“), but Dominique Dunne who played the older sister, was strangled to death by her boyfriend just 5 months after production wrapped, kicking off the creepiness that would become known as the Poltergeist Curse. She was 22. During the fight she had with her boyfriend that ended in her death, a friend inside Dunne’s house turned up the Poltergeist soundtrack to drown out the noise of the two yelling outside.
  2. Heather O’Rourke, the actress who played Carol Anne (“They’re heeeeeere!”) died during the making of part 3 in 1988 from acute bowel obstruction. She was only 12 years old.
  3. Most famous for his role as “Chief” in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest, Will Sampson had a large role in part 2 and died from kidney failure shortly after in 1987 at 53 years of age.
  4. Perhaps the most detestable character of the series, the old preacher who turns out to be a walking spook, was played by Julian Beck. He died of stomach cancer in 1985. In all fairness he was 60 years old and is a bit of a stretch for curse victim consideration, but he did croak only weeks after filming had ended.

These four occurrences are just the tip of the iceberg, and there is no better account of the curse than Wikipedia’s if you’d like to learn more. Wild, wild stuff, Ed. Maybe at this point we should be calling it the Poltergeist Reuinion.

In keeping with my Roadhouse Curse theory, here are some facts to back up my hypothesis.

  1. Jeff Healey died very young earlier this week.
  2. Patrick Swayze is apparently at death’s door as I type.
  3. In 1994 Chris Collins, who played a troublesome patron who offered to let folks fondle his wife for $20, died of a cerebral haemmorage.
  4. Kelly Lynch is best friends with Sheryl Crow. Jesus.
  5. Red West appeared in 16 Elvis Presley movies.
  6. Sunshine Parker died of pnemonia in 1999.
  7. Kevin Tighe appeared in 1995’s Jade. Shudder.
  8. UPDATE: We lost Patrick.

The horror. The horror. Roger Hewlett, Terry Funk and Sam Elliot had better renew their life insurance policies because we’re obviously in for a really long and terrible… curse… here. No need to thank me, it’s what I’m here for. And I’m pulling for you, Patrick.

Dalton: If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won’t walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can’t walk him, one of the others will help you, and you’ll both be nice. I want you to remember that it’s a job. It’s nothing personal.
Steve: Being called a cocksucker isn’t personal?
Dalton: No. It’s two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.
Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a whore?
Dalton: Is she?

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Friday’s Quizzlet: The Fat French Tutor


in Consumables, Friday's Quizzlet, Monday's Quotelet, Movies, Reminiscent

Appetizer: What was the last game you purchased?
Janet and I bought my Dad a Nintendo DS a year ago so he could play memory and brain exercise games, of which there are quite a few. After he showed little interest in the thing, and my Mom started commandeering it for a crossword game, I decided to see what else was available. Since then I have picked up hockey, football, best of Konami and golf games and some of them are quite fun. I also recently learned about a project which allows you to download and play free, pirated ROMS for the thing – which I may or may not do (insert Terrence Maddox wink here). Last week in Walmart I found a game entitled My French Tutor which I scooped up and played with on the plane to Florida. It’s surprisingly good, great for individual word memorization if nothing else and if you follow the last link you’ll find an objective and in-depth review that will have you dropping croissant crumbs all over the tiny screen in no time. Or something.

Soup: Name something in which you don’t believe.
It’s a toss up between Santa and Superman at the moment. Although I really want the new Blade Runner 5 Disc Ultimate Collector’s Edition, so I should tread carefully. This Amazon description sounds like the coolest DVD box set thingy in human history:

“In celebration of Blade Runner‘s 25th anniversary, director Ridley Scott has gone back into post production to create the long-awaited definitive new version. Blade Runner: The Final Cut, spectacularly restored and remastered from original elements and scanned at 4K resolution, will contain never-before-seen added/extended scenes, added lines, new and improved special effects, director and filmmaker commentary, an all-new 5.1 Dolby® Digital audio track and more. Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Edward James Olmos, Joanna Cassidy, Sean Young, and Daryl Hannah are among some 80 stars, filmmakers and others who participate in the extensive bonus features. Among the bonus material highlights is Dangerous Days, a brand new, three-and-a-half-hour documentary by award-winning DVD producer Charles de Lauzirika, with an extensive look into every aspect of the film: its literary genesis, its challenging production and its controversial legacy. The definitive documentary to accompany the definitive film version.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvkqEOcHFY8[/youtube]

The Ultimate Collector’s Edition will be presented in a unique 5-disc digi-package with handle which is a stylish version of Rick Deckard’s own briefcase. In addition, each briefcase will be individually numbered and in limited supply. Included is a lenticular motion film clip from the original feature, miniature origami unicorn figurine, miniature replica spinner car, and collector’s photographs, as well as a signed personal letter from Sir Ridley Scott”

Salad: If you could choose a celebrity to be your boss, who would you pick?
He’s sort of like marmite or anchovies in that you either love him or you hate him – but I think the world of Gordon Ramsey. It’s not so much his cooking canon and repertoire, that’s not really up for debate. It’s the no-nonsense, brutal tough love approach to seriously effective business advice that he brings to flailing restaurants in the “Kitchen Nightmares” series. If you know him only from screaming at French kitchen porters or a fat guy named Dewberry from the English and American versions of Hell’s Kitchen – then you’re probably right in assuming he’s an arrogant, narcicisstic prick. If you’ve seen the amazing way in which he can completely transform and save a business on Nightmares – from staff motivation to getting owner’s heads out of the clouds to wedding favors to deep cleanings to simplifying the menu to even decorating the bloody dining room – he is incredibly saavy, genuine and brilliant. “Do you know that, big boy?” On one episode of the English series two (I have been watching Ramsey’s shows for almost a decade), I was thrilled to see him take one of the owners to The Fat Duck in Bray. The restaurant has gone on to international acclaim and celebrity chef status for the owner, Heston Blumenthal, but it started as a little out of the way place which just happens to be located beside the pub I worked at for two years in the late 90s. Heston even bought the Hinds Head a couple of years ago and I have written about him before. The original Hinds Head website was the first site I ever built back in 1998, and my then girlfriend and I were one of the first people to eat at the Duck which was voted Restaurant of the Year in 2001 by Michelin – and if you know anything about the international restaurant game – that’s like winning best director, actor and film oscars for the same flick. Anyway, I pick Gordon Ramsey. “Have I gone soft in the fucking head, or summink?” No, just the midsection.

Main Course: What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?
Don’t watch my father’s dirty movies when he goes for a motorcycle ride. Because the motorcycle might start making a funny noise forcing him to come home 4 hours early as a result. I remember that day, and look at him now, and it’s a complete mindfuck.

Dessert: Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.
One which features walls made of opium and contains furniture fashioned from Macadamia nuts. There’s a TV playing one of those fish tank DVDs and some sunglasses which double as x-ray specs. The only noise is generated by the subtle grunts coming from the Swedish Women’s Volleyball Team as they repeatedly touch their toes in front of me. Every hour on the hour they break to make me a very large sandwich. This is going nowhere, fast. Good luck with your last minute Christmas gift getting and all that good stuff.

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Guiltless Movie Pleasures


in Movies

When my parents left for Florida last month I moved my office down to a fold-out table/desk thing on the main floor. I keep the TV on all day (surprisingly, the background noise helps me concentrate) and between working and chilling spend the vast majority of my time on the same couch in close proximity to the idiot box. I ordered a big cable package and the possibilities when it comes to movie channels are painfully endless. I don’t envy the people who have to program these channels. Filling 24 hours every day of the month with enough unique content to keep subscribers happy must be a daunting task. Not surprisingly, I have watched some pretty obscure and forgotten movies recently that I’d like to discuss. BTW – my country ass connection won’t let me upload photos today, so no quotelet.

Andre (1994): This sea salty tearjerker, in the tradition of Flipper and Free Willy, tells the tale of an aquatic creature named ‘Andre’ who becomes a pet to a small family in Maine (I think). The little daughter becomes the mischievous seal’s biggest fan and after it bugged me for a half an hour I finally realized it was a 9-year-old ‘Deb’ from Napoleon Dynamite. Anyway, not to put too fine a point on it, I largely ignored the movie until I started to hear the fart sounds. If I had a nickel. The seal, who is actually a sea lion playing a seal, gives a big old raspberry to anyone who is mean to a family member or with whom he is otherwise displeased. I watched the last 45 minutes intently, patiently waiting for the Bronx cheers which would then have me laughing hysterically. And you won’t believe how cute the whiskers on this thing are. I’d definitely pick this up for my younger cousins. Cute, funny and a little naughty, tee hee.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaQLFlrbxU4[/youtube]

Alien Nation (1988): When the TV series spin-off hit Fox in the early 90s, I used to watch it on Monday nights without fail. But I forgot how… good… the original movie is. The cast is solid: James Caan plays the tough-as-nails cop who has to partner with a ‘newcomer’ the day after his partner is killed by one. Mandy Patinkin plays ‘San Francisco’, the new partner and new resident of Planet Earth who stares adversity in the face and all that good stuff. The slang term for a newcomer, “slag”, is an obvious nod to your pick of human racial epithets and the story hinges heavily on Detective Francisco’s ability to rise above the human scorn and become an excellent lawman. Terence Stamp rounds out the cast as the main baddie and the flick is an action-packed slug-fest with great, funny dialogue between Caan and Patinkin and a slanted take on the buddy cop movie.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6dMTwURRns[/youtube]

Ghost Dog (1999): I think the very definition of ‘suspension of disbelief’ is accepting a chunky Forrest Whittaker as a sort of lithe urban samurai. Unless the ancient code has somehow been changed to “my sword must taste blood every time it is unsheathed… and then I must eat 6 corn dogs.” A good friend of mine has sung the praises of this film to me for years, so I sorta paid attention when it ran on TMC this very afternoon. The narrative structure pulls chapters from the samurai creedo which act as… chapters, applying to the Dog’s adventure and actions along the way. I knew the soundtrack had been produced by the RZA before I looked the movie up as the gritty beats are unmistakable and lend themselves well to the tone of the movie. And I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of a 70-year-old mobster dancing around to his bathroom to ‘Cold Lampin’ With Flava’ and reciting it word for word while dumping talc in his ass crack. A truly unique movie and I done liked it.

What’s the ‘worst’ bad movie you’ll admit to loving? This site used to get lots of comments from many different people every day – and I know most of you are still reading. How about a little give and take here? A little tete a tete? Some cinematic back and forth, perhaps? Where is Alexa, Cato, Mike, Kellie and Janet? Where’s DVS, Smash and Timmy the Keyhole? Where’s Greg, Duck, Watergirl and Loo Loo? Who can forget JV, Monster, Hammer and Heather? Come back to me, my children of the night.

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Wednesday Wadio: The Castaways ‘Liar Liar’


in Wednesday Wadio

I’m not trying to be obscure. I’m not trying to be retro, kitschy or cool. This song made it onto my iPod courtesy of the Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels soundtrack and it’s been haunting me in my car for a few weeks now. Guy Ritchie effectively took a page out of Scorsese’s book with his uncanny ability to dig up obscure old music and give it new life at the movies. After you get over the shock that the first part of this Castaways classic is actually being sung by a man you’re in for an ethereal masterpiece of ‘Garage‘ rock – a genre of which bands like The White Stripes and Hives are direct descendants.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lovzdcIFmCQ&feature=related[/youtube]

I’m pretty sure that the song is firmly lodged into my subconscious because it was a favorite of The Pill DJ at the night’s various locations around Boston. When it was held every Friday at the Upstairs Lounge in North Station my friends and I were frequent and loyal attendees. What a delightful little moment in Beantown nightlife that was. Sigh.

The song reached #12 on the Billboard 100 in 1965 and made the band the epitome of a one hit wonder. They still exist with one original member intact, and in addition to Liar Liar they’ve apparently added ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ to their repertoire and are available for weddings and bar mitzvahs throughout greater Minnesota. You can legally download a full MP3 version of Liar Liar from the Castaways’ website, and if you like what you see in the video make sure that you do – as the compressed audio really doesn’t do this remarkable little song justice. Please listen and enjoy.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Beam Me Up, Simon


in Friday's Quizzlet, Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: When was the last time you were surprised?
I don’t really remember anything majorly surprisingly important. The last six months have been a bit of a trail. How about a couple of baby ones from yesterday? I am surprised at how good the new Radiohead album is. I have been listening to it non-stop for the last 24 waking hours. I was also very pleasantly surprised to learn that Simon Pegg has been cast as Scotty in the upcoming re-imagined Star Trek movies due to be released in late 2008. Scotty of the Dead, if you like. Kirk: “Scotty! I need more power. If you can’t charge the dilithium crystals and get us away from the Romulan fleet – we’re all doomed!” Scotty: “Yeaaaaaah… It’s not looking good, mate. Winchester?”

Soup: Fill in the blanks: My eyes are ____, but I wish they were ____.
My eyes are brown, but I wish they were x-ray capable and that I was standing outside Cate Blanchett’s house watching her take a shower on the 3rd floor whilst smearing Cheez Whiz on my naked chest and crying. You see why I hate these fill in the blanks questions? Because everyone always says the exact same thing.

Salad: If you were a Beanie Baby, what would you look like and what would your name be?
I don’t know much about Beanie Babies, so I had to do a little research prior to answering this question. OK – I am struggling a bit with this one. How about a dirty looking bird with plague spots all over it named “Poxy the Pidgeon? Or a new spin on the tie-dyed “Garcia the Bear” called “Pigpen the Dead from a Gastrointestinal Hemorrhage… Bear”? I am in the wrong line of work.

Main Course: Name two things you consistently do that you consider to be healthy habits.
I drink a ton of water everyday. At least 3 liters on average. I also make sure I eat a salad every night at dinner. The exercising is definitely not “consistent” per se, unfortunately. Other than those, it’s all liquor, beef jerky and unprotected sodomy over here.

Dessert: What brand of toothpaste are you using these days? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I don’t think we’re especially supposed to like the taste of toothpaste, are we? Brushing your teeth is a critical component of a reasonable personal hygiene regimen – not a fucking Pop Rocks and Coke party. It helps a little if you think of the process as self-flagellation… like the fat bald monk in The Name of the Rose. It kinda friggin’ sucks, but you have to keep it up daily or you’re going to hell, the dentist or both. How about some new flavors to make brushing a true act of churchy self-sacrifice? Body of Christ Blue Stripe – now with extra fluoride and glass.

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Recent Nerdery Admissions


in Movies

I spent quite a bit of time over the summer building and maintaining a Squidoo lens devoted to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I checked it for the first time in a week or so and it’s been as high as #2 in their Movies section, and broke the top 50 network wide. Considering there are now over 100,000 Squidoo lenses – that’s not too damn shabby. If you haven’t looked at it yet, please take a gander.

I also paid a designer to re-imagine my silly dog sweater site. I have updated it once or month or so since then redesign and traffic has gone through the roof. One day last week, the Google ads at the top of the main page got over 100 clicks! My point is, you never know when something you’ve created might hit a tipping point. The best example was two years ago when live cockroach brooches were featured on America’s Top Model and my uber-silly celebrity blog spoof ended up getting 5 thousand hits the next day. The same thing happened more recently when the little buggers were used as a plot device on CSI: New York and again the search engine traffic blew up temporarily.

You can slave away mercilessly on an idea for years and never hit the sort of perfect traffic storm that comes from something – an article, a top 10 list, a photo – going viral. Chris Crocker I’m not. But that’s obviousvly a very good problem to have.

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Veekend Video: Some Guys Have It


in Musical, Veekend Video

As I’ve taken to making and editing videos since the purchase of my sick new camera, I thought a new category might be in order. Veekend Video will appear once a week on Saturday or Sunday and feature something original every time. In addition to the newer material I’ve been having fun with, I have also been ripping and digitizing all of my own home movies circa 1994 – 2000. After that, my analog camera broke and I lost interest. So basically – be very afraid if you hazily remember me wandering around a keg party with a cam 13 years ago. And, as it’s me we’re talking about here, you probably do.

This first installment, entitled “Some Guys Have It”, is a road trip my friend Nick and I took from Guelph to see my sister in Kingston in 1996. I edited it down mercilessly, as I promise never to submit you to long, boring private jokes. I have also added a Wordpress plugin that lets you see the videos length (above the player window) before you start watching it – as it’s been my experience people are more likely to commit if they know it isn’t going to take 10 minutes to watch and another 30 to load. Another facet of the VVs will be that they’re at least sorta-potentially funny for everyone. In this case, Nick and I were so amped up to hit on my sister’s roomates and so certain that we’d “pull” the end results were… you’ll see. Nick’s line at the end makes me laugh to this day (even though I blatantly fed it to him):

I especially like this video because it’s a great little time capsule. You can hear STP and Underworld on Nick’s car stereo. I have to use a pay phone to call my sister and find her house. And wait until you see her frigging hair. Also, watch for the quick pan across Janet’s roomates sitting on the couch after we reach our destination. I don’t remember her name, but one of them is the spitting image of Marilu Henner, and I always enjoyed drooling over her during our short visits. In retrospect, probably why the visits were so short. “Yeah, so you guys should probably get driving.” Ah, hindsight.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Make The Gas Face.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: What are you proud of?
I am proud of my mother who beat a very serious illness last year. I hesitate to talk about it for fear I will somehow jinx her health, but it’s the truth. She quietly and bravely dealt with the painful treatment for months, and it’s all just a bad memory at this point. That situation was a big factor in my deciding to move back, and it remains inspirational.

Soup: What is the best thing you’ve ever won as a prize?
I’m sure you all remember the rap group 3rd Bass with great fanatical fondness. Their first album, which featured Gas Face, was called The Cactus Album. The Newbury Comics in Framingham had a contest – come to the store and enter your name to win a real cactus. A few weeks later, I got a call from some record company stoolie telling me I’d won. We drove back to the store and picked up the 4 foot tall cactus which was worth about $100. I had it for about 4 years until it died. At the time, I was quite psyched.


Salad: Name something you do that is a waste of time.
Anything that doesn’t make money is technically a waste of time. Jeepers, take your pick. Watch TV and movies, sleep, eat, go outside. It really depends on your definition. For example, if you are a birthday party clown for hire, making balloon animals is definitely not a waste of time. Otherwise, you’re going to make me a little uncomfortable.

Main Course: In what year of your life did you change the most?
I predict it will be this year, post move. Nothing has changed much in the last seven, which is part of the problem. Check in with me mid-May, quizzlet. And then there was the sex change.

Dessert: Where is a place you consider to be very tranquil?
The end of my parent’s dock in Portland, Ontario. I expect I will spend a lot of time there over the next several months. I plan on getting my boat license and possibly buying a jetski. I am getting aroused just thinking about it all. Maybe I’ll just rent a truck this afternoon.

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Wednesday Wadio: The Specials ‘Ghost Town’.


in Wednesday Wadio

“This town, is coming like a ghost town
All the clubs have been closed down
This place, is coming like a ghost town
Bands won’t play no more
Too much fighting on the dance floor”

I knew who the Specials were, and I’d heard A Message to Rudy hundreds of times over many years with complete indifference. Although I was a fan of the Clash, and knew a lot about the whole ska scene via UB40-ish knock-offs and the musical guests on The Young Ones, I was completely unimpressed. Then one evening I was walking across Government Center in the dark with my new iPod on shuffle – and the opening mournful organ chords of Ghost Town started playing. I never saw the song the same way again.

The club referred to in the lines “All the clubs are being closed down” and “Too much fighting on the dance floor” was The Locarno. It is now Coventry Central Library.

I had listened to it subconciously a dozen times – it features very prominently in one of my all time favorite movies, Snatch, for example – but honing in on one tune completely out of context can really give you a new appreciation for it. It can also be heard in Shaun of the Dead and a particular episode of Father Ted, when it is the only record a DJ remembers to bring to a church dance.

Ghost Town is my pentultimate ‘driving at night song’ and I subjected several carloads of people to it over the summer during road trips to the Cape and Canada. And usually with favorable results. It’s spooky, cool, multi-layered and catchy. It changes pace and pitch pretty wildly throughout and features a wide array of insturments as use of brass was one of The Specials, and really ska in general’s, trademarks.

The video makes them look like a bunch of complete dorks, but they were very popular during their day in England, and went on to form several sub-groups including Fun Boy Three. In fact, The Ghost Town EP was at number one in the British charts when the pressures within the band and the strains of touring finally resulted in their demise in 1981. “Ghost Town perfectly echoed the feelings in Britain at the time, and reached the number one spot in the charts to a backdrop of inner city riots in Liverpool.” I’ve read that Specials’ shows were plagued by violence, as can be explicated from the lyric snippet at the top of this article. This is especially odd, considering the fact that in the Ghost Town clip they make Depeche Mode look like John Wayne.

The Specials have a really comprehensive website with all kinds of interesting fanboy content. Friends and members of the band have gone to painstaking lengths to document the history, archive stories and provide audio and video clips. Watch the seminal Ghost Town video here and then click on through for more info.

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