Pye in the Face

“Belle and Sebastian are not snogging. Sometimes they hold hands, but that is only a display of public solidarity. Sebastian thinks Belle ‘kicks with the other foot’. Sebastian is wrong, but then Sebastian can never see further than the next tragic ballad. It is lucky that Belle had a popular taste in music. She is the cheese to his dill pickle.” - Jeepster.

It’s just sort of dawned on me that I’m going to see Belle and Sebastian tonight with the New Pornographers opening up. I kind of want to go to the bathroom and rub myself. Something had to fill the gaping void that Big Country left in my life. My new camera will be making the trip (to the concert, not the bathroom), as will Nate, Tom, Janet etc - and I’ll be sure to post some wacky related concert photos tomorrow.

I started listening to this band in early 1998 while I lived in England. Moynihan reccomended them to me over this new technology we’d discovered called e-mail. I ran down to HMV in Maidenhead and picked up the then just released ‘The Boy With the Arab Strap’ before quickly moving on to ‘Tigermilk‘. That CD would go on to join the Verve’s Urban Hymns as the Hinds Head lockin CD, and it was a glorious time to be a 24-year-old. Pisshead.

My excitement over this band has been somewhat muted by age and time, but 7 years ago I would have burned off my own pubic hair with a magnifying glass to get a ticket. I have to get in touch with that young fanboy lad tonight and properly soak in the magnitude of the moment. But definitely try and talk him out of the whole pubic hair thing.

I promise I’ll stop talking about it now. Stoke up the deep-fryer and point me in the direction of the Nautilus.

I’ve felt like I’ve hit a plateau lately. Head first from about 20 feet in the air. Dropped by the ankles. If I were a pool of water, I’d be so stagnant there’d be more tadpoles swimming around in me than in Paris Hilton’s hair. Things can go from so exciting, to so stressful and stupid, so very quickly. Something big is about to happen - I’m just not sure what it is yet. And then there’s that little thing called perspective that comes knocking…

But if I may be allowed to put down my own violin for a moment, my mother called me yesterday to let me know that her post-chemo tests are completely negative. She had a long painful summer, the extent of which I cannot imagine. Although I keep this site fairly impersonal, I know there’s a lot of readers who will want to hear that news. Way to go, Mom. We love you. And I’m not just saying this because I’m moving into the trailer with you next week.

I have had penne with vodka sauce a few times recently here in the North End. Last night at Assagio’s, for example. It’s gosh darn tasty, and I found myself wondering what the heck it actually is after a few forkfulls. It doesn’t sound especially good. I mean, vodka’s great and everything, but in your red sauce? Here’s what I discovered…

Apparently it’s quite common. I found a ton of recipies - ranging from ham to salmon - and it’s no misnomer. You actually have to fire in a whack of vodka while you’re reducing the sauce. Usually 1-2 ounces. It’s usually creamy, and always ridiculously tasty. Did Russian troops occupy Italy at the end of WWII and run out of chicken stock? I simply don’t know.

The Sopranos DVDs are some of the best selling in history, so it’s only fitting that I build a lens around them and make a play for some affiliate revenue. Actually, it was my coworker Sean who suggested it over a pint at the PushCart last night. I went home and built the Bada Bing, and it’s one of my best yet, if I do say so myself. I might as well - no one else is going to. I’m really running the risk at this point of never sleeping with a woman again, and believe me, friends - I fully realize this.

Again, I’m not so much bragging about the fact that I make websites so much as I’m trying to get new sites indexed by search engines. I have more spiders crawling on this site than William Shatner at the end of that really creepy movie I hope I never accidentally find on TV and watch all the way through again. Is that better than the River Phoenix joke from last week? Or just a little more tasteful?

I’m going for a steak tonight, and I’m excited. Why do you people read this fucking thing?

“This is a success story that is unique unto itself, its country, and most definitely its band“. - Matt Sheardown.

Yes, I know it’s Friday. Many of you have have read me rant about this band over the years, and I’ve even dragged a few of you to their concerts with me. I wrote a decent piece about Gord Downie a few years ago, which is down for some reason - I’ll have to repost it from my desktop backup at home - but this article that Nate just sent me is truly amazing. It’s a comprehensive history of the band, written with painstaking detail and a lot of love.

“The music, though consistently solid, only tells us half the story of The Tragically Hip. Bands rarely become legends on music alone: The Beatles had LSD and Yoko Ono, The Stones had Keith Richards and Altamont, Nirvana had suicide and MTV Unplugged, and so on and so forth. The Tragically Hip have Gord Downie, and because of Gord Downie, The Tragically Hip have one of the most memorable live performance reputations this side of the 49th parallel. Sure, the sound is spot on, and the instruments rarely miss a step, but you can only hear them. The show isn’t in the instruments.”

The article’s author, Matt Sheardown, goes on to explicate his favorite Hip songs at the end of the article, and chooses 1994’s Nautical Disaster to bestow the following praise: For my money, the single greatest song the band has ever made. The lyrics are sung paragraphs, and the memories they drum up are so vivid in their unsettling nature. Brilliant from start to finish. Since Matt’s article inspired me to feature the Tragically Hip this week, I figured I’d abide by his opinion and use his favorite tune.

The Hip are proponents of all things Canadian, and their lyrics and themes often delve into obscure references that only select senior citizens in Manitoba may ‘get’ - but are important and fascinating all the same. Hip concerts around the world are flocked to by ex-pats, and they could sell out the largest venue in Toronto more nights in a row than any major act going. I’m talking to you, Jagger. Nautical Disaster is a great example of Hip Canadiana:

Few believe that the song is about a single theme, but it seems that one theme may be about the raid on Dieppe during World War II. Dieppe was a daylight, pre-D-day raid of a German held port on the coast of France. In the assault, carried out by Canadian troops, nearly 4000 men were killed out of a force of about 4800. The lyrics to “Nautical Disaster” are extremely close to these facts. Gord Downie himself has alluded to the fact that the song is one long metaphor for a failed relationship, but the literal meaning has ties to Dieppe.”

I normally introduce people to the Hip via Bobcaygeon or The Darkest One, but Nautical Disaster is definitely in the top three somewhere. It is reminiscent of Gordon Lightfoot’s The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald in it’s imagery. It also reminds me of the scene in Jaws where Quint is describing what it was like to be on the U.S.S. Indianapolis when it was sunk: “So, eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out, the sharks ttook the rest, June the 29, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.” Tragedies at sea. For my female readers (unveiled sexism) - picture the end of Titanic.

From the first line of the song, you know you’re in for something quite horrible: “I had this dream where I relished the fray, and the screaming filled my head all day.” It starts slow and builds to the line everyone loves to scream at shows “…off the coast of France, dear!” before it kicks into high gear. Have a listen for yourself by clicking on Radio Pye in the left column, and you can read some great fan explication here.

The play rehearsals have increased to twice a week, and I’ll even be at Knights of Columbus Saturday afternoon painting the set with the rest of the cast. It’s being built there and then moved over to the Improv Asylum towards the performance dates. I have been enjoying the experience, even becoming enough of a primadonna to actually try and change my lines to ones I think are better suited to my character (who you’ll remember is a stupid plot-device cop with about 10 of them). Next thing you know, I’ll be asking what my motivation is and blathering away naked in a dark room like Brando. Actually, I guess that’s fairly unlikely. The blathering part.

The horror.

We’ve taken on 4 new clients in the last two weeks at my real job, and although I’m excited by this, I don’t know where I’m going to dredge up the time to handle it all. I have a lot to learn about Exchange servers, skateboards and lobby security software - and precious few waking hours in which to do so. The other actors have told me to learn my cues and try to thread conversations together. Maybe I can do the same here at work, and pretend I’m setting off a building alarm which is powered by a server because I did a Frontside 180 Powerslide through reception.

Again, astronomically unlikely.

And then GoonBlog got mentioned in the frigging New York Times. They require you to register and login, so I’ve posted the best part of the article over at GB for easy reference. Big congratulations to my not-so-secret GB partner in crime, and PITF favorite, Detroit Velvet Smooth who does the majority of the writing and heavy lifting over there. You’re famous, you bastard.

Shoot, Pass, Punch, Get Published.

And a massive tool! Regardless, I am being interviewed by Squidoo and featured as a leading Lensmaster. I think I am currently #6 or #7 out of a few thousand. I am getting emails out of the blue from marketing professionals from all over the world, and I want to strip naked to the waist and rub Squidoo all over my chest right now. Anybody look familiar?:

Click here to see my profile and lengthening list of lenses. And this is my personal lens. I will let you know when the interview is live, and I’m going to try and make it funny without scaring off all of my new potential collaborators. I am such a nerd, I am actually steaming right now. I’m a nerd. But I know I’m a nerd. And that almost makes me cool.

Well raise my rent. Or the roof. Who ever thought you’d see a title like that here on PITF? Unfortunately, Gary Puppa is in most of the photos too. For example - please marvel as Fat Joe (aka Joey Crack) represents with Gary (aka Gazza, aka Hairdoo) backstage at the Toyota Center in Houston. Gary obviously taught him how to throw up Burlington crips signs, and the publicity will undoubtedly lead to scores of wannabe Eminem fist fights in front of Emma’s Back Porch.

Anyway, Puppa - most recently of the dispicable and sacreligious Christmas Eve in Toronto fame - owns a pretty cool company which allows him to work for the NBA. You may remember three years ago when he was snapped bothering Beyonce. Then there was the time Nikki Hilton tried to goose him behind one of the beer carts. And how can I forget that party where Saget tried to scoop Pupp’s peeler? Always the trooper, he was back again this year, and he’s sent me a gallery’s worth of new hip-hopping-hob-knobbing pics. Also of note, Gazza mugging with DMC and Mike Jones.

I want to quickly point out that Gary actually asked me to go with him, and I want to give him a quick shout-out and thanks. Houston is like my second home. If Joey Crack and I didn’t currently have mad beef, I would have been there with Timberlands on. And what’s up with Ronald McDonald? I thought Chris Penn died last month. Also in attendance - Nelly, George Clinton and you’ll even see Ice Cube messin’ around and gettin’ a triple-double. Peep dis.

Mardi Gras celebrations went ahead despite the aftermath of Katrina. However residents no longer throw beads at half naked women. They eat them.

“You Know How You’re Being A Dick Right Now? Just Do That.” - Bubbles

Oh my everloving Christ. Please watch this immediately.

Alright so I’m trying to get another Squidoo lens spidered. So what? I’ve been working on this one a lot - chock full o’ content and probably one of the biggest lenses out there. So please have a look at my new Red Sox Tickets page. Then rub yourself. Repeat.

It’s shaping up to be a nice little weekend. A few laughs with the coworkers tonight, and a party at the Shit Disturber’s in Charlestown tomorrow. And I’m sure you can guess what I’ll be filling the rest of the time with. That’s right - furious Squidoo lens building. I have a problem.

Maxim has just released a “Greatest Drinkers of all time list, and I thoroughly endorse their choices. “E.T. is No. 9 on the list, while Bluto (John Belushi) from “Animal House” is one spot ahead of him.” Blutowski is an obvious choice, but how many of us would have considered the scene from E.T. where he sneaks downstairs and drinks the shit out of a case of beer, causing poor Elliot to experience the same buzz while he’s at school? He kisses the young girl, lets the frogs loose, gets an OUI on his Big Wheel, beats a homeless person to death, etc.

But it gets better, deeper, liquorder: “Other top movie drinkers include The Waco Kid (Gene Wilder) from “Blazing Saddles, who comes in just ahead of the McKenzie Brothers (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas) in “Strange Brew,” and just behind Coach Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) of “The Bad News Bears.” Kudos for remembering the Waco kid and the McKenzie’s. The list just became bloggable.

But where the heck is Arthur, I asked myself. At #2, of course. And the #1 movie booze bag of all time? Frank the Tank. I think Arthur should have won the top spot, hands down. But still a well complied and humorous little collection of souses.

Unfortunately, it’s not “sleeping with Angelina Jolie” or “crapping $100 bills” today. Rather, my silly little Trailer Park Boys Squidoo lens has reached #1 in the top 100 - out of several hundred thousand. It’s kind of a big deal. Here’s where the screenshot for posterity comes in. In your fucking face, ‘Grandmothers Rule’:

I need some Squidoo methadone, stat. Methadoo.

“Oh I’m fucking excited alright! There are probably all kinds of record company people there and I’m hoping if I sing some of my songs they might want to sign me to a record deal and I could become a big Country & Western star. Liquor and Whores is always a big hit down at the legion so you never know!” - Bubbles

Before the launch of the Trailer Park Boys 5th Season this time last year, the three main actors - Rob Wells (Ricky), John Paul Tremblay (Julian) and Mike Smith (Bubbles) did a nationwide promotional tour of Canada. At a radio station in Ontario, Bubbles offered to sing a song in the middle of an interview and it quickly became a cult classic. That resulting diddy is the focus of Radio Pye today, you lucky people.

“Liquor and Whores” is really one for the ages. The protagonist meets a girl while he’s “drinkin’ at the Legion” and the conversation quickly turns to marriage. Speedy courtships aside, our hero warns that before the nuptuals take place, there’s something she really needs to know about him. Listen to the song to discover the shocking secret, and please try not to faint.

You can also watch Conky sing the tune in a truly disturbing Flash movie if you’ve got that much free time. Forget the booze and the loose women - If you’re a fan of cigarrettes, dope, baloney or mustard you’re in the right place. The Legion, apparently.

My beloved sister just sent this image to me, as she knows that nothing touches my heart quite like the underground Thuggee religion. Touches, tears from my chest and ignites, to be exact. A sincere and heartfelt happy Valentine’s day to all of my readers - real and imagined. The love, and narcissism, conquers all.

I was a Squidoo beta tester, so I got to stake claim on a few pretty good lens topics. In the interest of getting them indexed by search engines, I’m going to share them with you now. Please click through and learn a little bit more about marketing guru Seth Godin’s latest project.

Boston, Massachusetts: This lens features a map, a few links, an RSS feed and some other tidbits about our fair city of Boston. I hope to spend some time on this and really turn it in to a great resource. Perhaps one-day people will pay me to post their links there. Dare to dream.

Hockey Fights: This lens is designed to go hand-in-hand with, and drive traffic to, the revered and almighty GoonBlog. GB is quite popular, but DVS and I haven’t quite found the revenue stream yet. Every little bit helps.

Pixies: This is just a labor of love and the lens on which I’ve spent the most time so far. Pretty long list of links, and I found a Rolling Stone RSS feed that often has relevant info. I think it will catch a lot of fanboy traffic one day.

Happy Mondays: Another musical-related tribute to one of my favorite bands. As the Mondays fade farther into history, their fansites diminish and I wanted to set up a permanent time capsule via Squidoo. Not much competition here - should corner the traffic market.

Company Culture: This is the first one I built 3 months ago, and I’m not quite sure where I’m going with it yet. I have the domain cultureforge.com which I think is really cool and I want to develop it into an HR-related blog. I just put the cart before the horse in this case.

The Rat Pack: Rat Pack history is a bit of a hobby of mine, so I thought I was cut out to run their lens. This will be quite detailed - breaking down links for each of the 5 main pack members as well as providing detailed discographies and bios.

Eric Bana: I’ve been a fan of this guy for about 5 years, and am very happy at his recent Hollywood successes and his amazing performance in Munich. I wanted to do a lens on someone who isn’t yet flooded all over the net - so here’s a little Bana fo yo ass.

Robert DeNiro: You know I had to fire up a lens for my boy Bobby D. More of the same here - links to everything I’ll be able to find. I expect this one will generate a lot of traffic do the lack of good DeNiro fansites on the web.

SNL: This will be my homage to Saturday Night Live. Another informational resource that should be easy to compile and maintain. The focus here may be to sell those “Best of” DVDs that are so popular right now. Like Hansel.

Dog Sweater Patterns: This lens will supplement and drive traffic to DogGoneKnit.com. In a perfect world. In a perfect world, however, I wouldn’t have the obsession with developing this site that I currently endure.

Search Engine Marketing: I’ll be compiling a list of the SEM related sites and tools which I use on a daily basis. I am also helping to develop an SEM blog, so this will help to drive traffic and vice-versa.

Trailer Park Boys: This guilty pleasure of mine is in no danger of receding, especially with the feature film being released this coming summer. How much related crap is out there on the web? I dunno, but I’m going to find out.

And there you have it. Keep an eye out for Squidoo - it’s bound to become a Google favorite, which in turn will trickle the traffic, and the love, down to my ridiculous, hair-brained schemes.

“Peter Benchley, whose novel Jaws terrorized millions of swimmers even as the author himself became an advocate for the conservation of sharks, has died, his widow said Sunday. Benchley was 65.”

Jaws was the second DVD I ever bothered to purchase (My first was Jurassic Park - a gift from Hegarty) so my first digital video forays involved an inordinate of humans being snacked on by scary monsters. No gay cowboys to speak of. Benchley wasn’t entirely happy with many of Spielberg’s choices - he saw Redford, Newman and McQueen in the roles of Brody, Hooper and Quint - but ended up being very satisfied with the finished result. The difficulty of the production is legendary, and most who worked on the film think it’s a miracle that it was received as well as it was. It’s ongoing popularity is just as amazing.

Thank you, Peter, for penning the tale that would lead to one of my favorite flicks of all time. Thanks not so much for Jaws 4, in which a dreadlocked Mario Van Peebles ran around doing a bad accent for two hours sounding something like Sean John with a speech impediment.

“Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies / Farewell and adieu you ladies of Spain. / For we received orders for to sail back to Boston / And soon never more will we see you again.” - Quint.