From the monthly archives:

September 2009

Fancy another reader-generated Quizzlet for all of us to answer? I certainly do. I’m going to Tweet and Facebook this request as well, so there’s no escape for any of you. Please post any silly or serious questions (in the comments below) that you’d like to hear answered by your friendly neighborhood narcissistic prick – namely, me. We need a grand total of 5. Update: OK, we got there.

Appetizer: Who’s the douchiest celeb in Hollywood (besides Kanye)? – Dana G.

joe-francis-paris-hilton-tit I’m glad you added that clarification, Dana, because I definitely would have gone after that ridiculous pinhead if you hadn’t. The word “celebrity” is a strong word to use when describing this guy, but the award has to go to Girls Gone Wild creator, Joe Francis. How he has managed to end up bedding celebutantes the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on the strength of simply videotaping drunken, barely legal females on Spring Break is a mystery to us all. Couple that fact with the jail time he’s done as a result of his paparazzi-pornographer status, and the recent charges against him for… everything under the sun… and he definitely wins today’s PITF award for being an outstanding douchebiscuit. Or maybe I’m just a little jealous.

Soup: Will the Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 remake merely disappoint the loyal following of the House of Freddy? – Angie F.

fat-kid-sandlot I’m really happy about Jackie Earle Haley being cast as the new Freddy Krueger because he’s perfect (in his own creepy way) and without a solid Fred the film would die on the vine without a doubt. Meyers and Voorhees, both of whom have had their franchises more or less successfully resuscitated over the past year, are very different entities. They don’t talk. They wear masks so there aren’t even facial expressions to consider. Notice, pursue, kill. They might as well be mindless robots, so their 2009 versions weren’t all that critical to the success or failure of the new Friday the 13th or Halloween movies. Freddy on the other hand obviously speaks and was always played by Robert Englund as full of sadistic personality with a strong dose of wicked humor. In my opinion, on the “evil scale” Freddy made Jason and Michael Myers look like the red-headed fat kid from The Sandlot. The actor is therefore crucial in this case and Haley is ideal. Admittedly it will be hard for me to picture Kelly from Bad News Bears as a re-animated child murderer with 100% of his body covered in 18th degree burns. But he was nominated for an Oscar in 2007, so stranger things have happened.

Salad: If you could be just one player from a sport or an athletic team, who would it be and why? – Kat

I haven’t been following any sport recently, except maybe hockey, with the zeal I once did, but I’ve always had a soft spot for Larry Bird. Maybe it’s because we share a birthday. Perhaps it’s because I was absolutely basketball-obsessed as a kid in the 80s. Maybe it’s because he’s from a town called French Lick and hearing that phrase invariably gives me a naughty pause for thought. My point is – I simply don’t know why it’s Bird. But it’s Bird.

Main Course: What wedding song should be banned forever (besides Lady in Red)? – Seany Mac

How about that “Butterfly Kisses” song? If I were to hear it at a wedding in the Ozark Mountains, and the bride was in possession of three teeth, I’d think to myself, “Fair enough. When in Rome.” But when I hear it at the wedding of someone I went to high school with it makes me want to grab the DJ’s mic like they were Taylor Swift and then stop the insanity.

Dessert: Over half a year in, have your feelings towards Barack Obama changed at all, and if so – exactly how? – Matt H.

For those of you who don’t remember I wrote a long, thought out piece last year about why I didn’t feel Obama was fit for the Presidency and the specific reasons as to why. That’s not to say I didn’t think he’d ever be ready – quite the opposite. In many ways he was already very qualified. If good looks and a talent for public speaking were the major responsible prerequisites for the insanely important position he’d have had my vote. But it isn’t and he didn’t. Unfortunately, if you were to ask 90% of people back then why they were planning to vote for Obama they’d have said, “He’s well-spoken.” If you doubt me on that then your memory is a wee bit selective. I still feel that his election was premature, he had precious little tangible experience and his campaign had an incredibly advanced grasp of the power of social media and the internet in general. That having been said, I’ve since warmed up to him. He’s been tough on troublesome international leaders like Putin and Chavez. He has brass balls. He’s a remarkably cool and composed dude – at all times. If he fails to achieve an 8-year term it will be as a direct result of his healthcare stance and he must tread very carefully over the next few months. Socialized healthcare sucks, and I’m speaking with more experience than any person should have. Sorry – I think I must have hit my head there or something. Back to the dick jokes…


Health Kick in the Ass

by Dave on September 15, 2009

in Health

I’m on one. And it’s a powerful incarnation. Not like health kicks from years past which fell by the wayside like so many dead prostitutes. I’m talking about the health kick of a 35-year-old man who has been forced to grow up a lot in the last 5 years and is missing that ever-important element of adulthood – namely, giving a sweet tweet about whether or not they’re due to drop dead from a heart attack or other unfortunate ailment anytime soon.

I am drinking alcohol in extreme moderation. Using milk in my coffee instead of cream. Not snacking after dinner. Walking my dogs instead of simply letting them outside. Investing in an elliptical to use over the winter. The offices my company moved into this very day come with a membership to their gym. I went to Bruegger’s Bagels for a snack this afternoon and came out with a fruit salad. A fucking fruit salad. That previously repulsive collection of melon, pineapple and grapes was the tipping point for me. I realized this time my “body is a temple” bullshit might not be more pathetic shit – but rather a core paradigm shift. A sea change.

I live in hope that is what this is. As do my children and their ancestors – all of whom have yet to be born. You have poor souls like Swayze who stay uber-fit their entire lives only to fall victim prematurely to a bastard of a disease like pancreatic cancer. Then there are Cheetos-eating clowns like me who lean over the railing and constantly flip-off the Grim Reaper like they’re some kind of invincible. I’m not. My parents weren’t. Not even Dalton from Road House was.

I’m shaping up in just about every way I can think of.

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kanye-west-taylor-swift Next year MTV promises to add a new category to their Music Awards show – One for Unbelievable Douchebaggery.


When I re-read posts from the dawn of Pye in the Face, it’s been so long ago now that it feels like someone else wrote them. Especially if I haven’t seen them since the day they were published. Today’s throwback made me laugh out loud. Hard. I had to share.

Gremlins make poor Exorcists. Funny stuff.

Back in 2005 I mused about growing older, bemoaned how long I’d been in the same Boston apartment and started facing the fact that at 31 it was time to grow up. At least a little. My first baby step was to redecorate my bedroom.

Let me just say what you’re all thinking – My bedroom looks like the Chinese curio shop in Gremlins, if it were managed by a 12-year-old homosexual.

tinkerbell-pixie-1 Little did I know at that time the evil set of circumstances which was about to befall my immediate family. Almost five years on from when I first wrote this I now really know what it means to mature. And I suppose everyone’s reasons for eventually doing so differ from person to person. I was forced kicking and screaming into it nearly 20 years after I graduated from high school. You might have felt it hit you the moment you were handed your diploma. You might also be divorced now, never see your kids and work in a miserable middle management job which forces you to consider eating a gun every night by candlelight. So I’m comfortable with my former Peter Pan ways, Tink.

Read my full post about growing up and I hope you get a giggle.


Business Card Boston Terrier

by Dave on September 3, 2009

in Animalistic,Professional

This is the back of my new business card. And I love it.

FTS_BcardTemplate “So let’s brainstorm some new ways in which I can help your clients dig holes in their back yards.”

Thanks to my lovely and talented colleague, Kristine, for putting this together from one of my favorite photos of my beloved snow leopard, Shepherd.


Fwix Launched Today. And Spelled “Ottawa” Wrong

by Dave on September 1, 2009


I was tempted to entitle this post “Fwix Fwucks Up”, but then I realized my Donald Duck impression has never been one of my strongest. Please read on.

fwix-logo “Real Time Local News” site, and current next greatest web phenomenon, didn’t do their Canadian market share any favours (notice I used a “u”) by spelling the nation’s capital thus – Ottowa. And here’s the incriminating URL for as long as it takes them to figure it out:

I suppose it would be more accurate to say that they didn’t do themselves any favors (back to the American spelling now) in regards to potentially capturing Canadian news readers. If you need any clarification as to why I’m taking the time to gripe about this in public – they misspelled the name of Canada’s capital fwucking city. I’m tempted to pop over to, but I have a feeling their proofreaders might have spent a little more time on that page – and thus my effort would be in vain.

Still, I’m going to add Fwix to my news bookmarks and see how things progress. It’s a new spin on the news localization idea and has a lot of money and brainpower behind it. Give it a look. If only to see if your town has been spelled without vowels.