Pye in the Face

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is released one month from today. I have had so much fun anticipating the film and enjoying the trickle of photos and info as it’s been revealed that I almost dread Indy’s impending arrival. I’d probably tack on another month if I could just to revel in the antici… pation a little while longer.

Just what am I supposed to focus my rampant nerdery after May 22nd, I ask you? Being an Indy fan is almost forgivable and cool. There isn’t a phaser, a star ship or a pair of pointy ears in sight. I’m afraid I might blow a gasket and start playing D&D with myself at night. By candlelight. On the end of my dock. You know - really give the ladies something to start swooning about.

While we’re all here, and I can still share some of my alarmingly comprehensive KOTCS knowledge with you before the big day, I suppose I should. Especially since I have so much of it rolling around in my crystal skull that I can boil it all down to only the most interesting rumors, plot points, character info, etc. I’ll try to stay away from brutal spoilers, but be forewarned.

• Some early reports say that Indy 4 is too long, too far-fetched and that the reason the studio isn’t allowing reviewers to see it until the day before it is released (highly unusual) is because it’s just plain bad. One article even goes so far as to predict Shia Labeouf’s Mutt Williams is the franchise’s very own Jar Jar Binks.
• Other early reports say that it is the best of the sequels, with the best story, the best ensemble of actors and characters in the series and that George and Steven are keeping their cards close to their chest right up until the release as a service to the loyal fan base who may have the experience sullied if too much gets out.
• I have read in several places that Cate Blanchett’s villainess, Russian Agent Irina Spalko, is pitch perfect and jaw-dropping as a female Indy baddie. One lucky and anonymous chap who has seen the final film called it a “characterization that achieves instant cult status”. If you haven’t seen her in costume, enjoy. I know I do every night before bed with a belt around my neck for about 2 and a half minutes:

• Although he’s been the brunt of jokes since the movie was announced, I haven’t heard one negative peep regarding Harrison Ford’s 66 years. What I have heard is that he is convincing, in amazing shape and looking good. There are plenty of photos now online and a full length trailer to support this. If you have yet to see the Indy 4 trailer, click through and do so. If you remotely enjoyed Indy films as a kid and you don’t get a massive chill - there is something very wrong with you. And actually, just frig off to go rent Atonement.

The days leading up to Indy 4 have me as optimistic as ever, but not blindly so - I realize that reviving the franchise almost 20 years after the Last Crusade can be accurately considered a fool’s errand. If the movie ends up stinking like a Nazi rotting in the hot sun, I won’t pretend that it doesn’t. My faith is strong, however. I haven’t seen or read anything that worries me. We’re coming off a year that saw both Rambo and Rocky come back and work. I still predict that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will see a 66 year-old Harrison Ford spearheading the largest grossing summer action movie in history. I’ve called my shot. Now I need to call my mother to come pick me up.

I’ve been at rapt nerd attention when it comes to all things Indy 4, but I haven’t broken any hot news items or derived any potential plot spoilers from the available information myself. However, I think I just figured something out that I haven’t seen mentioned anywhere yet so I’ll share it with you here first.

What do you get when you cross a National Geographic for Kids article which eludes to Indy and Mutt Williams running through the jungle being chased by “giant bugs”…

With track 16 on the unreleased soundtrack listing by John Williams entitled, “ANTS!”…

Presumably, something like this:

Did Indy and Mutt follow the giant ants upon Hagrid’s advice looking for Aragog? George. Steven. I’d like a word.

The official and just-released poster for this summer’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull follows the old-school painting style of movie marketing that was so prevalent in the 80s but has since dwindled out in favor of brash graphics, digital photography and Kiera Knightly’s side-boob. This poster could easily be hanging over the drive-in snack bar beside that of The Empire Strikes Back. Well done to Paramount and the filmmakers for staying true to the style of the first three films, yet again.

And don’t forget to visit my Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Squidoo lens where I’ve aggregated all of the best RSS feeds related to Indy 4 news in one easy to read location. May 22nd draws ever closer, and perhaps I’ll once again be permitted to kiss a girl on the 23rd!

…Write about Indiana Jones if I want to, Write about Indiana Jones if I want to. You would write too if you happened to be… a huge frigging nerd. Doo doo doo doo doo doo! I’m here all week. Try the chilled monkey brains.

As of yet there have been few glimpses inside Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - literally. In all I think there have been only 3 official stills leaked and those were soon pulled down by hoardes of studio lawyers. The wait is over! Famed photographer Annie Liebovitz was given full access to the set over the summer and Vanity Fair’s January 2008 issue is chock full of juicy photos. I’m going to repost them here because surely no one at Paramount would mind/knows I’m alive.

Let’s talk about the cover, shall we? Harrison Ford looks great, he did something like 75% of his own stunts and when the film hits theatres on memorial day he’ll be 66 years old and the star of the biggest summer blockbuster of all time. That’s my 2008 prediction, kids. Spiderman, Anakin Skywalker and Samwise Gamgee are going to suck bad dates (follow that last link. Pure genius) - and they’re going to like it. Shia’s greaser character, rumored to be the lovechild of Indy and Marion Ravenwood, is also looking believable. I first saw him on the first Project Greenlight when he was unknown and picked to star in The Battle of Shaker Heights. Since then he’s embarked on an amazing career, nailed Rhiannon and… is that… a jawline and some stubble I see? I was initially horrified to learn he’d been cast but since then I’ve seen Transformers and Disturbia - and the kid gots chops. This could work.

Next we have George Lucas, Harrison and Steven Spielberg on what looks to be the soundstage for interior shots of the Mayan temple that is said to figure in to the plotline. As the crystal skull mythology (it’s nothing new) heavily involves that ancient civilization this is no surprise. Indy battles the Russians this time around and the film is set in 1957. One of the reasons I think this will work is that no one is trying to pretend they aren’t as old as the dirt used to replicate the weight of a golden idol. There will also be limited CGI and Spielberg has said he is going to scale back his direction, editing and cinematography to the level/style it was at in the 80s. In the Vanity Fair article he explains how hard it was to scale back in this fashion - there will be no Munich-esque handheld cameras, at any rate.

Let’s get to the ladies of Indy 4 - Karen Allen looks absolutely lovely at 55, and as one of everybody’s favorite characters from the original trilogy Marion Ravenwood’s inclusion was a solid, solid decision on Lucas’ part. She was easily lured out of semi-retirement in Massachusetts where she has been running a successful knit clothing store. I have heard speculation that the Russians kidnap Marion in order to force Indy to help them recover the crystal skull. Along the way he’ll obviously discover that his greaser student Shia is also his son. I’m looking forward to seeing how Lucas has made it all pan out.

And the moment everyone’s been waiting for - the world’s very first look at Cate Blanchett as Indy’s fourth nemesis: Agent Spalko. Add this Russian baddy to the disturbing ranks of Belloq, Toht, Mola Ram and Walter Donovan. The article features a two-minute video of the cast posing for Leibovitz and you get a much better look at Cate there. She looks incredibly sinister and ridiculously hot at the same time. Another victory for the casting department and costume designers.

I can’t wait to learn more about Ray Winstone’s character, Mac, who is said to be a friendly rival of Indy. Most likely a replacement for Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliott died of AIDS in 1992) or Sallah. The fact that John Rhys-Davies is not participating is sad, but then again the film isn’t set in the middle east but South America this time around. And there’s no indication there won’t be a cameo. Speaking of cameos… Sir Connery, anyone? I didn’t like Shia, I didn’t like the title, but it’s all falling into place and the flick looks amazing so far. You know if Spielberg and Lucas dusted off that old fedora they’re taking the project very seriously as it could seriously tarnish their legacies and that of the franchise. Wow - most anticipated film, evah for little old me.

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Appetizer: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you look forward to your birthday?
As you get older, you really stop caring. You start to look forward to not having anyone mark the occasion as much as you used to tearing the paper off a Han Solo figure. Click that link, by the way. I found that in my Grandmother’s closet while cleaning out her house this summer and it’s in pristine condition and worth about $500 on eBay because of the bilingual packaging and the fact that it’s the original 1977 model with the big head before they redid it to look like Harrison Ford. So yeah, birthdays. Don’t really care that much anymore.

Soup: What is one word you don’t like the sound, spelling, or meaning of?
There are three words that have recently made it on to my peeve list, and this is as good a time as any to mention them. The first word isn’t really a word. It’s “Hmmmm…” after you answer a question someone has asked you. As in “Yes, that is how I feel about this political issue, thank you for asking” followed by a “Hmmmm…” from the inquisitor. It’s patronizing, regardless of what the topic of conversation is - and it drives me around the bend. The second word is used in the exact same way and circumstance. “Interesting”. Both are cop outs used by people that think they don’t like what you’ve just told them, and want you to know it, but have no mental ammo to back anything they take issue with up. Fuck off, all of you. The third word that I hate is “passionate”. “What are you passionate about?” What kills me is that people think this is such a cerebral, first date sort of a question. “What are you passionate about?” “Paying the check and getting the hell away from you, you hideous witch.”

Salad: Do you wear sunglasses when you’re outside? If so, what does your current pair look like?
I have a nice pair which I keep in my car, and about 4 other passable, gas-station P.O.S. pairs that I take with me as I’m very prone to losing them. As I’m not currently… Elton John… my sunglasses look like sunglasses.

Main Course: If you were to write a book, to whom would you dedicate it?
Probably my Mother, who has been telling me I was born to be a children’s author for years. I took a stab at developing an idea online a few years ago, and I’m still not sure it’s a bad one. For now it sits neglected on the web amongst the bones of 30 other half-baked ideas. It tends to get a lot of traffic at Halloween, though. Probably by parents trying to scare their kids straight because they think I’m on hard drugs for basing a kids’ character on Frank Sinatra.

Dessert: Name a beverage that you enjoy.
I’m drinking a lot more milk these days. In Canada, they sell milk in bags that you then bring home and plop into a plastic holder with a handle. Then you snip one of the top corners off using a little magnet knife kept stuck to the fridge. Every Canadian household has one, and mine is yellow. It’s cheaper, you get more and I love it. Look at the big bones on Dave, everyone.