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Archives for January 2006

Let’s Talk About The Greek Salad I Had Today For A Second.


in Consumables

Between getting my tooth fixed, and running reports, I’ve had little time to come up for air today. But perhaps I can take just a moment just to talk about the amazing salads coming out of Emilio’s at the moment. Coal miners are dying, a mummified woman was found in front of her TV, Lou Rawls shuffled off and Alito’s on deck – but none of this will ever interest me as much as a South American Fire Anthill-sized mound of feta cheese. Except maybe the fact that The Shield starts tonight.

Did a loose, giant Greek mouse make this salad? I don’t know. I can sort of picture one, with a moustache and a bottle of Ouzo – sneaking into the kitchen and getting all crazy with the fromage, before then sodomizing anything with a pulse. I mean, this was truly remarkable. Like a remake of Close Encounters with Dreyfuss using crumbly white goodness to sculpt that mountain in his house instead of mashed potatoes. Just like that.

Whoever was working the lunch shift today obviously had no idea how much feta costs. And I sincerely hope they don’t read this site and get clued in all of a sudden. Because I hear I’m big with the Brazilians. I would instead encourage them to think of it as a sort of condiment. Emilio, when you throw the 5 bags of ketchup in the bag, go ahead and fire in a $7 block of my own personal dairy crack right on top. No, it’s fine. Grows on trees and costs less than matchbooks. There’s a good Emilio.

I need to go home.

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You Can’t Handle The Tooth.


in

I thought I was out of the woods with this whole dentistry dilemma. However, I’m here at the office friggin’ partying and moving stuff around and assembling new furniture, and in my ultimate wisdom I thought it would be a good idea to eat a Jolly Rancher. My new crown popped off like a dandelion head, and my Saturday night has taken a turn for the even worse.

Can I just go back to having to work on Saturday night, without the Medieval torture aspect? And I just ordered a calzone, too. Just as long as no one shows up wearing chainmail and intending to burn my genitals off with a hot piece of iron.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: A Little Weisz Lie.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Have you ever seen a ghost or an angel?
Do sexual fantasies consisting of Michael Landon diddling Della Reese count? I didn’t think so. The only thing that will make you look like more of a crackpot than admitting you think you saw a ghost… Is telling people you’ve seen an angel. Hang a crystal mobile off of one ear, and a dreamcatcher off of the other, and start cruising communes for good Cat Stevens bootlegs. Incidentally, I saw something mighty strange at my Grandfather’s house in Parry Sound about a year after my Grandmother died, circa 1981. Janet and I were sleeping in G’Ma’s old room which had twin beds and cluttered medical supplies that had never been thrown away. Piles of white boxes filled with dialysis bags. When I saw… whatever it was, I scooted off the end of my bed and jumped in with my parents on the pullout couch in the living room. I totally threw Janet under the ghost bus.

Soup: What is your favorite board game?
I think this quizzlet woman has Altzheimer’s. Another repeat question. Balderdash is the best board game ever created. Don’t however, play with unfunny, unimaginative people. If some new people, male or female, have entered your social circle, somehow arrange a game of ‘the dash’. You’ll separate the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly. “I can’t think of anything! Is the answer to any of these questions Dave Matthews Band?!”

Salad: What was the last movie you saw that made you cry?
I saw The Constant Gardener last weekend, and that was pretty rough. Probably only because it’s my imaginary girlfriend, Rachel Weisz, who gets the chop in the first 10 minutes. Sorry for the lack of a spoiler alert. It’s not like I told you that Rosebud is Citizen Kane’s childhood sled, or anything.

Main Course: What would you do if you had 3 months off from your job?
I would develop several of the 800 domain names I’ve purchased on impulse, devise some revenue streams and generate more of a supplemental income. I have the skills and the know how, I just don’t have the free time. I’m lying – I actually could find the time if I really wanted to. They say you can make time for anything. Unfortunately, Celebrity Big Brother 6 started last night, so I’m pretty much booked for the next 60 evenings. You know what else is sad? Constant Gardener because Rachel Weisz gets mutilated in a car wreck.

Dessert: What kind of shoes are you wearing today?
Black dress shoes. I have a great Kiwi brand triangular sponge that I can whisk over them for a quick shine here at the office. I can also use it to disguise myself and stay out of sight under my desk when I don’t feel like participating in client meetings. Remember – irregular patterns.

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Foggy Odyssey Photos.


in Pye in the Face

If I learned one thing from looking at the XMas photos I got from my sister today, it’s that I am a prime candidate for a face tuck. Regardless, my love/hate relationship with the gym is my problem. These photos are still keepers. Keep a lookout for Mamma Pye loving all the attention in the North End, an impromptu Guelph reunion getting all kinds of boozy in Burlington, Billy Frasier restraining me in an attempt to keep me from getting rolled by 6 teenagers and a chick, and a cat that only looks weirder than my hairline.

A grand time, and I wish I could get up there more than once a year. They say it’s easier to get into the NHL than it is to get an advertising job in Toronto. Still, Hal Gill has a job, eh?

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Thank God That’s Over.


in

Due to my sick day yesterday I’ve come skidding, and not springing, into 2006. My body seems to be severely punishing me for recent revelries, and I feel like I could sleep for a week. I’m going into hiding for a good long while. Not here on the blog, but in the real world. So if you know me socially – don’t look for me. I’ll be holed up as pennance, spending my weekends being nerdy for at least a month. If I’m not back in 30 days, just wait longer.

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