Archives for April 2006

I travel to Harvard Square about as often as I punch myself in the genetalia. Last night I made an exception to go have dinner with a friend, and was amazed that I was technically still in the same city I woke up in this morning. Boston proper is a very small city, compared to most of the other global urban death mazes, but it’s peripheries stretch out forever. Cambridge is definitely a parallel galaxy as far as I’m concerned, but as interesting as it was to get out and stretch my horizons, I felt quite happy to be back in the North End come the witching hour.

Travel used to be my favorite thing. I had been all over the world and lived and worked in 3 different countries by 25, and went to 3 different high schools. I haven’t had an inkling of wanderlust in the last 7 years and have only been off the continent once in all that time. My current universe extends between the Banknorth Garden and Copley, and I’m not even beginning to lament that.

Writing this, however, I see that I am indeed due for a trip. I spend loads of time travelling back and forth to Canada every year, but obviously that doesn’t really count. So where should I go? I have lots of friends in England, Ireland and Scotland, a first cousin in Spain, and a gang of peeps in California. I think I have to go somewhere I’ll have a contact this time around, because I’m about as close to finding a life partner as an earthworm. I think I’m leaning towards Spain. Suggestions?

“No promises – I’ll bring her over, and if she likes it we can tell her it’s hers”. My friend’s adorable little daughter has been on the market for her first pet, and after reading Hissy’s exploits here last week mumsie had an idea. I initially figured she was just being polite, and trying to help me solve my cockroach dilemma. But then I remembered how smart the sprog in question is, and the idea of her actually digging a Madagascar Hisser as her first domestic house pet didn’t seem quite so ridiculous. Couple that with the fact it comes with a nice chain, pin and itself is encrusted in enough jewels to make it look like someone tried to kill it with a Lite Brite – and I felt we may be on to something.

The muchkin loved what she saw, and Hissy now lives with a family here in downtown Boston: Roach relations are still quite good. She has found a lifelong (well, Hissy’s life anyway) friend. She’s a little upset that I am not letting her take him to school, bed, park, etc. But she’ll live. – Mom

Her Dad said I could post this photo, and I think you’ll all agree that with the exception of the enormous insect visible in the terrarium, it’s beyond adorable. I am happy at how things worked out, but I will miss my short-lived little hissing friend. I felt a poem was in order.

Oh dear Hissy,
We’ll miss ye.
But please let’s not fret,
You’re a bug, I’m a man
That’s as close as we’ll get.

Should I miss you,
Want to kiss you.
And my life is a bore.
I’ll go visit the munchkin,
Or just leave trash on my floor… for extended periods of time until 1300 of you move in and force me into a homeless shelter like that movie with the guy named ‘Joe’. A final word from the newly adoptive family:

She is still yelling “MOMMY! Look at HISSY! HE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!”And we say, “Yes, they do that.” Everybody at work is still thinking how odd it is that her first pet is a cockroach. Now, I am their friend from work who has a daughter whose first pet is a cockroach. Like everybody can have a friggin dog. – Dad

Just to recap, I have had Roach Brooch acting as an affiliate site for Black Chandelier – where they sell the live cockroach brooches you’ve been seeing on TV and reading about. This means, if someone clicks through to their site from mine and buys a roach, I get credit for the sale thanks to a tracking system, and I get 10% of the roach bounty. Obviously, I ran several test orders after I set it all up to make sure that it worked.

The problem is, they sent one of these things to me by mistake. Actually, I’m not entirely sure it was a mistake because the guy emailed me yesterday and said he wanted me to have a mascot. Either way, when I got up Tuesday morning, there was a package waiting for me from Utah and I knew exactly what it had to be – A live Madagascar Hissing Cockroach.

Not wanting the thing to die, I ordered a terrarium online and it arrived yesterday at my office. I brought the Utah parcel into the office, set up the tank, called a few of my coworkers over to observe, and carefully introduced the ginormous beast to its new home. “Hissy” as I named him is currently chilling on my windowsill eating the heck out of a piece of banana from the Park Plaza Au Bon Pain.

I’m not one for bugs, but it’s a pretty cool creature. In addition to it’s size and girth (it doesn’t look much like a traditional roach) it has the accoutrements that warranted it a place on America’s Top Model and bring it’s price tag up to $80 before shipping – it’s encrusted in a pattern of multi-colored jewels, and also comes with a silver chain you can clip on to this belt it has which acts like a leash. You pin it to yourself, and the critter can roam around your shoulders and chest unchecked. Hence, it’s a roach brooch.

I edited a bunch of photos of the adventure last night, which I am going to use on Roach Brooch, so I figured I’d upload them to my own galleries so my readers can see the full drama unfold. I’m still not sure what is to become of Hissy. I am in talks with a friend to give him to her daughter as a pet. Your first thought is – what would a 5 year old girl want with a cockroach? But then you have to remember the jewelry angle – it looks like a demented, post-apocalyptic My Little Pony. So stranger things have happened. Enjoy the photos, and remember – my ownership of Hissy was an accident. I swear I don’t own any wizard hats or 20-sided dice.

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the untimely demise of Wednesday Wadio. I hope that the hiatus will be a temporary one, but the software I use to play the songs also makes them searchable in a big worldwide network. This wouldn’t be a big deal if people who wanted to listen to songs I’ve featured actually came to the site to do so – but they don’t have to. My bandwidth is simply sucked away to God knows where, the source completely anonymous.

Last month, songs from Wadio Pye were download over 20,000 times by various people around the world. They type “Gorillaz” into the search engine, for example, and 2.5 megabytes of my bandwidth are used to play the song for a 13 year old girl somewhere in Spain. Now that I think about it – that’s kind of hot. But – no – it’s still an enormous strain on my expensive bandwidth.

There’s always another tool to use. If it hsn’t been thought up, it will be soon. I may also resort to just posting MP3s on my server and giving interested parties and friends the password to get access to them. That way, as opposed to the current Radio.Blog system, which converts the MP3s into smaller Flash files, you’ll be able to get proper MP3s of the songs for use on your own iPods. Perhaps that’s the best course of action. I mean, who hasn’t wished they could listen to Liquor and Whores while jogging? I’ll make it happen, you lucky people.

I mentioned yesterday that my Sopranos lens had been featured and was getting mad traffic. This morning, Squidoo sent out an official “Lens of the Day” release, and I thought I would share. I added a couple of bulletpoints for comedic effect. See if you can sniff them out. Should be quite a challenge:

After a long hiatus, the critically acclaimed HBO series THE SOPRANOS is back. And the fans are going wild. Dave Pye’s lens, Bada Bing: The Sopranos Central, puts any “official” site about the show to shame. This is where you can look up what’s going down on Sunday nights:

Dave‘s no slouch when it comes to his other lenses, either. He’s a top-notch lensmaster with a humorous tone and a great sense of the creativity and flexibility of a lens. Our community guru, Heath Row, did a recent Q&A with him. Here are some interesting comments and bits of advice from the profile (thanks, Dave!):

• “Build a few good lenses and then branch out a little bit at a time.”
• “Get a pet roach (accidentally or otherwise) to ensure that you die alone.”
• “Several of my older lenses already have Google PR, so I know Squidoo is getting noticed and indexed. The speed in which you can assemble a reasonable lens is definitely a perk, as is the instant audience you get from other lensmasters.”
• “Die alone with a jar of Cheez Whiz in your hand beside a trunk of DVD porn.”
• “I think there will be room for a lot of personal creativity from everyone…”

Read more about Dave and his lenses at SquidU, our center for better building and promoting of lenses.

…We’re better than that. My Sopranos site made lens of the day today on Squidoo. And here you thought I’d been suddenly and violently de-geeked, or something. I am enjoying the season so far, and invite you all to buy the DVDs and books from me so I can afford that kidney transplant. And by ‘kidney transplat’ – I of course mean Puerto Rican prostitute.

On an unrelated note, I’d like to thank Mean Art Green for pointing out an important anniversary this fine afternoon. It seems that on this day, in 1834, the eating of cats was finally outlawed – in this country, anyway. Dogs and cats are still snackworthy in many Asian countries:

The cats fair little better – arriving in cages, dozens of top of each other, and some dead, wondering in bewilderment what they have done to deserve this treatment. They are also hoisted by the neck with metal tongs from cage to cage – as they are “sorted” between different traders. For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen them actually tortured to death – their dispatch is pretty fast, stunning and a slitting of the throat – the ritual of torture, seems to be more reserved for dogs historically.

I would imagine cats would be really stringy and tough – where a dog might be more like rabbit. The most frigged up thing I ever ate was a piece of whale meat. While I’m throwing that out there because I love to annoy bleeding hearts – however, it’s true. Stop busting my chops about not liking seafood, and no more whales have to die. Cats and dogs I’d never try though. I wouldn’t want to risk chipping my teeth on the tags.

Oh kittens, in our hours of ease,
Uncertain toys and full of fleas.
When pain and anguish hang o’er men,
We turn you into sausage then. – Olde English Rhyme

We’ve already approached the Roach Brooch topic, and I explained how I was going to work with the designer who actually makes them as an affiliate marketer, due to all the traffic I get for related terms. Last week I set up tracking, and actually sold a live cockroach brooch!

I also ran a few test orders to make sure the tracking pixels were working properly, as you do – and they went through. I emailed my contact there and told him to be sure to cancel them. So that’s the last I really thought of it. Until I walked into the kitchen this morning and noticed a package for me from Utah. It can only mean one thing – I now own a live $80 hissing cockroach brooch.

I haven’t opened the package yet. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do with him. I have already named him “Hissy” (He is a Madagascar hissing cockroach), and I am thinking of sending an intern out to get a terrarium so he can become the office pet. He is encrusted with jewels afterall. They also include a clip that allows you to wear him on your shirt while he squirms around and stuff.

So what do I do with Hissy? Send him back (he will probably die if I do that). Put him on Craig’s list and look for some tartantula obsessed Dungeons and Dragons geek to give him a new home? Start wearing him to Tiernans? Your suggestions are appreciated. Hissy needs a piece of banana and a moist cottonball STAT.