Appetizer: Which keys do you have on your key chain?
Building, apartment, basement, suitcase, mailbox, office, grandmother’s house. All my other keys I keep in a locked briefcase stowed in the engine compartment of a scarab currently en route to Miami from Bogata.
Soup: What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
Shelving my second degree and moving to England. Jumping out of an airplane was a little nuts too. I’ve still never gotten those photos developed, with the exception of this one. I did it at an airfield in Maine with a friend that I made while living in England, so I guess the two spontaneous events were linked in an odd way. Those of you who actually met Gus will also remember another strange link – the fact that he was the “missing” one.
Salad: Who is the best cook in your family?
Bill Clinton waved to me this morning as his motorcade sped down Tremont Street – and I wanted to fit that in somewhere today. So I’d have to say that Bill Clinton is the best cook in my family. All he ever makes is popsicles, though. They taste like brie and are high in protein.
Main Course: If you were to write a “how-to” book, what would the title be?
It would be a sort of “Die Broke” meets “Who Moved My Cheese?” meets “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” entitled You Will Die Alone Beside A Trunk Of DVD Porn.
Dessert: Name a recent fad you’ve tried.
I tried the Atkins diet about a year and a half ago. But then I realized there’s really no substitute for exercise. I also realized I was beginning to smell funny and hadn’t gone to the bathroom properly in weeks. Normally, this is called going to visit my parents. But in this instance, I decided to accept the fact that bread was my little yeasty buddy. Not to be confused with that girl I met at HarpoonFest last year.
There are ten keys on my keychain. I know where one of them works. I have a feeling that the other nine are keys to various apartments I’ve had over the years. I should try to get into those old apartments. I’ll take my video camera with me just in case one of those impromptu visits turns into porn.
The most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done was to bang my 8th grade history teacher in the back of her car one night at a bar. Ahhhh Miss Boyko. I used to sit in class and wait for her overly large breasts to spontaneously pop out of her shirt. All the while praying that I never was asked to stand-up and answer any questions.