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Friday’s Quizzlet: Grunters and Collectors


in Friday's Quizzlet

Appetizer: If you could be any current celebrity for one week, who would you be?
Rachel Weisz‘s husband isn’t really a celebrity, but if he were – that would be my answer. Because I’d cherish a week’s worth of long conversations about my feelings with her. From behind.

Soup: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy talking on the phone?
We’re looking at about a 2. I am a very social person, and I could sell ice to Eskimos, but if I don’t absolutely have to be on the phone – I’m not. I hate long voice mail messages – “Hi, this is Steve and I’ve just called you as you could have probably just seen by looking at your caller ID. Anyway, so I’m calling you and you can call me back if you want. Or don’t – maybe you’re busy or sleeping or something. Anyway…” Kill yourself. Nor do I like calling someone, getting their voice mail and then having to listen to the same sort of blather – “Hi, you’ve reached Steve at 555-4455, which you might already know because you just dialed it, and I’m not here to take your call right now. Look, I’m sorry I missed your call because talking incessantly on the phone like a 14 year-old girl is what I live for. Please leave your name, number and a short message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done recording my voice mail message that you listen to before you leave yours and which I change hourly.” YOU leave a short message, frigtard. And kill yourself. I changed it a year ago for business reasons, but I still pat myself on the back for coming up with the greatest voice mail message in human history. It went: “Thank you for calling Dave. If you don’t know what to do when you hear the beep you probably shouldn’t be using a telephone.” Feel free to use that. Please.

Salad: Name a charitable organization to which you have donated.
I used to donate to the Boston Humane Society every year. The address stickers they’d send me adorned with puppies and kittens were just a bonus. I’ll find a similar animal charity to get involved with up here, although I might just start my own at the rate my own squirmy wormies are ravaging my wallet. Janet made a comment this morning about how cute their little grunts are, and we always talk about how they are incapable of not picking up any loose item they come across, be it a stone, piece of paper, human toe, etc. I then announced with an unnaturally straight face that if the puppies ever started a band, it would be called Grunters and Collectors. Come on, that’s funny.

Main Course: What’s a food you like so much you could eat it every day for a month?
A month? Come on, let’s make this interesting. I could eat feta cheese every day for… a life. And incidentally I do. Was there a Greek shepherd 600 years ago who sat milking a goat on a hillside in Crete, chuckling to himself about the addiction he was about to unleash? I liken it to the early settlers bringing whiskey to the Native Americans. Maybe I’ll start a goat cheese support group. “Hi, my name is Dave and I’m a fetaholic.” “Hi Dave.” “It all started when my father first took me to Molivos in Montreal circa 1984…”

Dessert: Have you or anyone in your family had the flu this year?
We’ve been a little busy with the cancer and the Alzheimer’s, thank you very much. Was I whining there? It’s better than self-mutilation with a snowblower – which was the alternative. Remember, what you’re reading is an “outlet”. On the issue of health – I bought a ridiculously powerful and expensive juicer last week and have been atomizing carrots, apples and oranges at a dizzying pace ever since. The intake is wide enough to take in a whole apple at a time and the motor sounds like a Harrier Jump Jet. I am getting my mother and father onto the regime as well in the hopes it will aid in their various maladies. I predict I’ll be crazier than Jay Kordich on bathtub amphetamines within a month.

Let’s get our little community back, kids. Answer these questions yourselves in the comments.

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The Road House Curse


in Movies

Dalton: So, you play pretty good for a blind white boy.
Cody: Yeah, and I thought you’d be bigger.

The 1989 movie Road House has always held a special place in my heart. Even moreso after I started working at bars in various capacities and found I could put a lot of Dalton’s Zen-like bouncing and shithead-management principles into practical use. “Expect the unexpected. Take it outside. Be nice.” Whoever wrote that movie obviously spent a fair amount of time in that dirty business themselves. Hopefully with shorter hair and looser blue jeans.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z0CngDuHcc[/youtube]

The cast of Road House is having a rough week. First the ever-so-awesome Jeff Healey dies Monday of pancreatic cancer at the tender age of 41, and now Patrick Swayze is reportedly close to death suffering from the exact same thing. It’s beyond uncanny and Kelly Lynch better watch her breathtaking Roadhouse heiney. Because we’ve seen this sort of thing before, kids.

lynch-roadhouse

Is everyone familiar with Poltergeist? It’s the exceptionally scary movie that Spielberg made in 1981 and an eerie series of events befell many of the people associated with the both original and subsequent sequels. And I’m not talking about nasty clowns, a pool full of corpses or a TV on the fritz. Here is a quick run down and upon some new research today it’s even worse than I remembered.

  1. She didn’t have a lot of screen time in the movie (“What’s happening? WHAT’S HAPPENING?!“), but Dominique Dunne who played the older sister, was strangled to death by her boyfriend just 5 months after production wrapped, kicking off the creepiness that would become known as the Poltergeist Curse. She was 22. During the fight she had with her boyfriend that ended in her death, a friend inside Dunne’s house turned up the Poltergeist soundtrack to drown out the noise of the two yelling outside.
  2. Heather O’Rourke, the actress who played Carol Anne (“They’re heeeeeere!”) died during the making of part 3 in 1988 from acute bowel obstruction. She was only 12 years old.
  3. Most famous for his role as “Chief” in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest, Will Sampson had a large role in part 2 and died from kidney failure shortly after in 1987 at 53 years of age.
  4. Perhaps the most detestable character of the series, the old preacher who turns out to be a walking spook, was played by Julian Beck. He died of stomach cancer in 1985. In all fairness he was 60 years old and is a bit of a stretch for curse victim consideration, but he did croak only weeks after filming had ended.

These four occurrences are just the tip of the iceberg, and there is no better account of the curse than Wikipedia’s if you’d like to learn more. Wild, wild stuff, Ed. Maybe at this point we should be calling it the Poltergeist Reuinion.

In keeping with my Roadhouse Curse theory, here are some facts to back up my hypothesis.

  1. Jeff Healey died very young earlier this week.
  2. Patrick Swayze is apparently at death’s door as I type.
  3. In 1994 Chris Collins, who played a troublesome patron who offered to let folks fondle his wife for $20, died of a cerebral haemmorage.
  4. Kelly Lynch is best friends with Sheryl Crow. Jesus.
  5. Red West appeared in 16 Elvis Presley movies.
  6. Sunshine Parker died of pnemonia in 1999.
  7. Kevin Tighe appeared in 1995’s Jade. Shudder.
  8. UPDATE: We lost Patrick.

The horror. The horror. Roger Hewlett, Terry Funk and Sam Elliot had better renew their life insurance policies because we’re obviously in for a really long and terrible… curse… here. No need to thank me, it’s what I’m here for. And I’m pulling for you, Patrick.

Dalton: If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won’t walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can’t walk him, one of the others will help you, and you’ll both be nice. I want you to remember that it’s a job. It’s nothing personal.
Steve: Being called a cocksucker isn’t personal?
Dalton: No. It’s two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.
Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a whore?
Dalton: Is she?

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Wednesday Wadio: Neil Young’s Cinnamon Girl


in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

It’s hard to believe this song only reached #55 on Billboard’s 100 when it debuted in 1970. Especially since it was up against such classics as “I Think I Love You” by the Partridge Family and “Everything is Beautiful” by Ray Stevens. Oh well, we can appreciate it fully in retrospect. My favorite element is the one note guitar solo which you can see in this video at 2:07 and again at 3:00.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBS3B2cZcFM[/youtube]

We wouldn’t see the one-note solo reach such great heights again until Joey Santiago brought it back in the late 80’s – but that was because he didn’t know how to play the guitar. So what exactly was Neil’s excuse? My first guess would be – drugs – but there are many theories as to the inspiration and genesis of the song. Here are a few I gathered together:

  • Young has never said who the Cinnamon Girl is. He prefers to leave lyric interpretations to the listener.
  • This song got Young in trouble with his wife. He had to explain that the Cinnamon Girl was just a person he came across while touring.
  • The liner notes in “Decade” say he wrote this song about a girl he saw walking down the street playing finger cymbals.
  • There was a music club in the 60’s called Cinnamon Cinder. It was featured in an Time magazine article about teenage nightclubs in the early 60’s. It has always seemed obvious to me that it was about the girls that would hang out at that club.
  • I think that the real “Cinnamon Girl” was a young, attractive Native American, Latina or Pacific Islander woman with dark tan (read: more or less cinnamon-colored) skin and long black hair.
  • This song was known to be a song for Pamela Courson… also known as Pam Morrison. I know this because I read it in a book about the Doors.
  • Neil was rated as one of the ten best lead guitarists in a recent magazine and it listed this song as THE essential Neil solo. That had to be a joke, because this solo is the same note played over and over.
  • Neil Young had a very high fever when he wrote this song and just picked up his guitar and wrote a song. He talks about it on an episode of Conan O’ Brien its not a very big secret.chigurh wildeyes

What? No space aliens were involved? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Cinnamon Girl, anyone? Didn’t think so. This song rocks, grooves, bashes and batters its way through to the end, and even if you don’t consider yourself a classic rock fan, watching the video is worth it just to see where the Coen Brothers got their inspiration for Anton Chigurh’s haircut.

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Let’s Fire Up the Quattro!


in Television

New Amsterdam is a direct, and poorly disguised, descendant of my beloved Life on Mars – which the BBC offered to several American networks without takers. I just want to get that down for the record in the midst of an insanely busy day which, coupled with a penchant for buggery, prevents me from writing more.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Enn6zc9ug-o[/youtube]

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Friday’s Quizzlet: A Cat by Any Other Name


in Friday's Quizzlet, Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Who was the last person you hugged?
My father when he arrived yesterday. Shepherd was nipping excitedly at his feet the whole time and my father pointed at him and said “What’s that cat’s name?” I replied, “His name is Shepherd Pye, he’s a dog and he’s also your Grandson”. “Oh!” he replied and laughed. Dad thinks the puppies are hilarious, and Mom is genuinely crazy about them. I knew in my bones that having the whelps here would be good for both of them, and if yesterday was any indication – I was right.

Soup: Share a beauty or grooming trick or tip with us.
Don’t wait until someone remarks upon them to trim your nose hairs. We’re all getting older, boys.

Salad: What does the color yellow make you think of?
The first new Volkswagen I ever rode in. Incidentally, it was the very first one ever in England. Omar, one of the slightly dodgy “car dealers” who used to hang out at the Hinds Head, took me for a spin. Much to the chagrin of everyone else in the pub who wanted a ride as well. Or, more likely, for me to serve them another pint. Those guys were great when they weren’t hitting on my girlfriend.

Main Course: If you were to make your living as a photographer, what subject would your pictures revolve around?
I saw a book once of 19th century crime scene photos which I really dug. I leafed through the whole thing right in the store. Short of building a time machine that wouldn’t work, but my answer would have to be something as equally fascinating for me. So, in a word, porn.

Dessert: What was the longest book you ever read?
The third to last book I read, Brother Fish, took me months to finish. At 800 pages it’s on the long side, but it’s hardly the Winds of War. I just wasn’t into reading that much over the summer. I’m on a Canadian history kick at the moment, and am currently reading National Dreams – the thesis of which is that many Canadian Myths are just that. The valor of the RCMP, the CPR as a nation building catalyst, the ideology of the canoe, etc. I’m enjoying the heck out of it but it’s very lefty and almost facetious in the way it strives to break down absolutely everything this country holds dear and I’m keeping that well in mind. I went to high school in the States so I have a lot to learn in terms of the Great White North’s past.

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Sixteen Candles to Make the House Smell Better


in

My Mother just called me and they are already in Syracuse. They will be here at the house in Canada in about three hours – which is a lot earlier than I had anticipated. I have a hell of a lot of laundry and general cleaning up to do in that short period of time. A hell of a lot. I feel like I’m in high school again, scrambling to put the house back together after consecutive Friday and Saturday night benders while my folks were on vacation. Wish me luck, and I’ll see you tomorrow for a dandy of a quizzlet.

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JV On Dogs


in Animalistic

There are very few things JV isn’t an expert on. Just ask him if you don’t believe me. He left a great comment regarding my puppy training article that a lot of you won’t see unless you backtrack and sniff around, so I am going to repost it here as a main article. His advice is funny, blunt and accurate…

“Caesar (Dog Whisperer) is the man. Pretty simple message every show. A little common sense, a lot of exercise & dominance cures all. As a dude who goes to the city’s biggest yuppie dog park and watches many a disobedient dog/stupid handler I suggest 2 commands must be taught in order for you to not be an idiot yuppie dog owner:

1-COME, If your dog doesn’t come 100% of the time when you call it you’re an idiot. Shep should also respond to a whistle command to come or at least get a bearing on you. fastest way to train this command? Find a dog treat they luv and never give it to them – ever – unless they are properly executing the command. Dogs should only be rewarded with things they want (treats, effection) when they are doing what they’re supposed to. Only idiots give there young dogs rewards for being cute or soiling your home… at least during their prime training months.

2-NO, If you can’t get your dog to immediately stop whatever its doing, freeze in its tracks and look back at you waiting for the green light you’re an idiot.

I say “you’re an idiot” because the dog obviously only knows what you teach it and without these 2 commands hard wired there’s a good chance it will do something stupid i.e. somehow put itself in harms way… which is your fault. The next commands for non-idiot dog handlers are sit, down, stay, heel and lick the peanut butter off my…

If you can get your dog to walk beside or behind you and mirror your movements off-leash you will be a dog master. Nothing is more gratifying than having your dog listen to you because as you eventually marry and have kids the dog will eventually be the only one listening to you.”

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Veekend Video: No Country for Croaky Frog


in Veekend Video

Just in time for the Oscars I am very proud to release my latest puppy masterpiece, No Country for Croaky Frog. You’ll watch with glee as Jim Morrison, Will Ferrell and the Coen Brothers are all whimsically exploited for my own personal amusement. Or not.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWRIPTVWrIo[/youtube]

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Oscar Predictions – There Will be Coens


in Movies

The Oscars have been thoroughly uninteresting to me for many years and I haven’t watched the ceremony in as long as I can remember. Tonight is a different story as it has been a monumental year for the movies and for once, I’m very much looking forward to watching. Here are my personal predictions…

Best Picture: No Country for Old Men – I preferred There Will Be Blood, but the handwriting is on the wall for this one. The Academy is going to vote for the Coens. Right

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis – Absolutely incredible performance, and having to choose between Daniel and Viggo just isn’t fair. Bad timing, Mr. Mortgensen – but excellent job. If anyone either than these two go home with the little gold man it will be a huge miscarriage. Right

Best Actress: Julie Christie is going to win and deserves to, but Cate Blanchett was superb as well. I think it’s amazing that Ellen Page, a Canadian underdog who started her career as Mr. Lahey’s daughter on the Trailer Park Boys, has had the year she’s had – but alzheimer’s is going to trump teen sarcasm. She’s got lots of time. Wrong

Supporting Actor: This is the category I am least certain of, but my money is on Javier Bardem. I was very impressed by Casey Affleck but I think he’s going to have trouble getting past the Coen juggernaut this year. Right

Supporting Actress: I haven’t seen the Bob Dylan movie, but I predict Blanchett will take the Oscar she didn’t get for Best Actress here. The Academy is comprised of human beings ticking boxes, and sentimentality is how people win the award sometimes. Wrong

Best Director: Paul Thomas Anderson – There is a damn good reason Mr. Anderson has been nominated 5 times previously, and I think this is going to be his year. His work on TWBB still gives me shivers after 3 viewings and the universe he’s created is the best we saw last year. Wrong – Travesty

They’ll definitely throw Juno a bone for original screenplay (Right), and the Bourne Ultimatum will clean up in the sound and visual editing categories (Right). Visual effects will go to Transformers (Wrong), and makeup will be Norbit (Wrong). I love the fact that Norbit is going to win an Oscar tonight. And as far as documentaries go, I don’t think Michael Moore is going to win (Right) as much as I hope forms a Nevada LLC and is then decapitated in a car accident on the way there. Happy viewing! Go Daniel!

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Puppy Updates and Pictures


in Animalistic

Are you sick of hearing me talk about my wee pups yet? If so, I can hardly blame you. I swear I will stop as soon as I get about $500 in PetSmart gift cards in the mail. As that isn’t going to happen, you’ll have to humor me. I’ll keep it short.

There’s a couple of new galleries live if you’d like to look in on Winter in Portland or my most recent puppy pics. They are growing like weeds, picking up a good portion of what I’m trying to teach them, as I pick up good portions of doodie, and I cannot wait until it gets warmer so I can take them outside more frequently. Boston Terriers have such thin coats that I can only take them out once or twice a day for very short periods of time. That’s it for me this evening. Stay tuned for a quizzlet tomorrow and a healthy dose of home pup videos over the weekend.

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Wednesday Wadio: Vampire Weekend’s ‘A-Punk’


in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

“Has the backlash started yet?” – YouTube Commenter

I may ultimately regret writing about Vampire Weekend for two reasons: 1) They are being championed by MTV and that just reeks of impending doom, disaster and uncoolness. 2) Their video for A-Punk is very, very OK Go-ish. That having been said, I am currently spinning the heck out of their debut album for three reasons:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XC2mqcMMGQ[/youtube]

  1. They fully understand and appreciate the genius of Ray Davies.
  2. They have a keyboardist. Love the keyboards.
  3. They are proof that bloggers can occasionally help break a decent new band as opposed to just constantly deifying the mundane.

I’ll leave it there as I’m still a little skeptical. Cool song and I give them full credit for daring unimaginative people to tell them their name is appropriate because they ‘suck’. Beggar’s Banquest must have a lot of faith for ‘staking’ them. I blame the puppy-related sleep deprivation.

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Puppy Training Truths


in Animalistic

Janet and I have never had a dog before. It’s not that we didn’t like them, it’s that my father vehemently hated canines so we became cat people by default. The first time I ever learned the word “shit” was probably due to the frequency with which Gord referred to my Grandmother’s dog, Buffy, as a “four-legged shit maker”. Our lack of a dog was never an issue for the younger Pyes. We had hamsters, gerbils, sea monkeys, hermit crabs, fish, guinea pigs and a whole herd of cats. A dog was not missed and I’ve discussed this at length before.

Our decision to get not one but two dogs was made rather quickly around a trailer park propane fire in the midst of a white wine fueled evening in Florida. I’ve never second-guessed the decision and I’m pretty sure my sister hasn’t either. We’ve both read multiple books in preparation and she will be taking over Rhuby-rearing duties from me when she moves up here, permanently, in two weeks. So if that cat wasn’t officially out of the bag in Boston – it is now. I love Rhuby as much as I love Shep. She’s clever, obedient and loveable. But I am looking forward to some one-on-one time with Shep because their training is definitely suffering for two reasons which are very clear to me.

It is extremely difficult to train two puppies at once. The moment you focus your attention on one animal over the other, the odd-dog-out immediately begins doing everything in its puppy power to get that attention back. This can include biting the haunches of the other dog as you’re attempting to work, crying loudly if separated and worrying the other dog so it becomes completely distracted, leaving a huge steaming poo pyramid that would make Imhotep jealous right next to where you’re crouched and attempting to focus, etc. And imagine trying to teach them their names if they are always together. It’s a literal shit show and I don’t want to fall behind.

It is extremely difficult to train puppies when it is 10 below. I had optimistically planned, since I work from home, to have Shep and Rhuby fully house trained by the second week. No such luck. They start shivering like methodone patients as soon as I open the door on the worst Canadian winter in 15 years. And as we live on a lake there is usually a huge gust blowing up the lawn that sounds like the Kraken approaching the house. I’ve gotten Shep to pee on the side deck, which I have cleared off and put puppy pads out on, a couple of times now but Rhuby wants none of it. I think if it were nice outside they’d be chomping at the bit to get out there as often as possible and the toilet training would be all but complete. I may invest in a couple of dog sweaters the next time I am in town.

It’s not all a nightmare – The pups are excelling in several areas. They have never woken me up at night. I think this is due to the fact that they are sleeping together in the same crate, although I have bought two and plan to switch them soon. They have never wet the crate during an overnight confinement. They are respectful of the cat and do not chase it around the way I feared they would. 90% of the pee and 75% of the poo released in the kitchen is done so on the approved puppy pads. They have learned “leave it” and can usually be corrected easily when biting something they shouldn’t be.

I have created a “No-No Can” which was a tip from both a book and my breeder. It’s a Chunky Soup can with the label boiled off, filled with my loose change collection and sealed up with duct tape. It’s noisy as an MF and upon shaking it the puppies immediately stop whatever naughtiness they are perpetuating. I don’t show them the can so they don’t associate the noise with me. “Me chew baby gate, me hear loud sound. Me no chew baby gate, sound go away”. It’s that simple and it works.

So that’s my life as a puppy care giver. I enjoy it but I’m definitely concerned about their training progress. Friday night I was in Best Buy and picked up season one of the Dog Whisperer. Amazing stuff. I certainly welcome all non-Cesar comments and advice too!

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Veekend Video: Once Upon a Puppy


in Animalistic, Veekend Video

The only thing better than having a puppy is videotaping said creature and then editing music over the various snippets to create a truly mirthful combination of vignettes. I’ve had a lot of silly movie ideas over the past 10 days of puppy parenthood so I decided to edit the best bits together into one piece of celluloid history.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbl1kYLeB2U[/youtube]

You’ll see that obviously Boss is none to pleased with his new housemates. Octopi feature quite heavily into the production, as do The Carpenters and Jojo. I fully love these little guys and am having a great, albeit smelly, time with them. I’ll probably put together a proper piece on what life is like here at the lake now that these little monsters have taken over my kitchen. Enjoy.

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Wednesday Wadio: Urban Dance Squad Appreciation


in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

“Mellow… That’s my styyyyyle“.

A friend and I were taking a long drive on Monday with my iPod a’ crankin’. I have an 80 gig model, and putting it on shuffle is like staring into the abyss. You might get Pixies, but then again you might get Jerky Boys. Luckily, we got “Routine” by Urban Dance Squad and a full fledged retro appreciation phase quickly emerged. I knew I had to give Rudeboy Remington and UDS some love on the Wadio this week and I’ve been spinning them a lot in the 3 days since.

Deeper Shade of Soul broke onto the soon to be named alt-rock scene in 1990 and the Dutch band quickly became a hit on half pipes everywhere. The record label’s marketing department immediately jumped all over this demographic as this video will attest – but it’s still a good clip for a great song. UDS was pioneering the mid-90’s rap/rock tragedy from far across the sea when Fred Durst was still getting beaten up in a high school parking lot somewhere.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw5Gl28Xe5o[/youtube]

“Fast Lane” and “No Kid” were the follow up singles from Mental Floss for the Globe, and soon after they released Life ‘n’ Perspectives Of A Genuine Crossover which is my favorite. Solid full length albums are a rare thing, and this record is packed with gems like “Routine”, “For the Plasters”, “Careless” and others. This record didn’t do nearly as well, due in large to their choice of a first single “Bureaucrat Of Flaccostreet”. It’s a very cool tune with some (at the time) revolutionary inclusion of East Indian instruments a’ la George Harrison, but many of the others would have been much easier for the general public to digest. It was also released only a few months after Mental Floss, which was originally recorded in 1989, so that probably caused some confusion and flooding. If you like UDS, and have never heard this record, drop everything and get your hands on a copy.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uw5WoMWU_QQ[/youtube]

The band performed at the 2006 editions of the Dutch Lowlands festival and Pukkelpop in Belgium, as well as at the Antwerp music club Petrol. According to what I’ve found it is unlikely that this will lead to a permanent reunion or a new studio album, as these performances were only to support their compilation album Urban Dance Squad: The Singles Collection in 2006. I’m encouraging you to dig in the crates a little bit today, kids. UDS was a great moment in time and a very rare example of, um, Holland having a huge influence on American popular culture. I am quite sure, at one point or another, you too did it all for the nookie.

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