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Eat a Little Turkey, Feel a Little Jerky


in Consumables, Heartwarming

It’s sad and quite a bit shitty to be sitting alone on what is usually my very favorite night of the entire year. The night before American Thanksgiving is when you’re supposed to travel back to your home town, hit a local bar or house party and get sillier than a horn of plenty with your high school friends whom you only ever see once a year on this night. When I returned from England in 1999 after about 5 years away from the Concord scene, I thought the tradition was long since dead. Little did I know the fun we had yet to have over the next 7 years. The Red House, the reunions, the Razzi. Many of my contemporaries couldn’t care less about staying in touch with their old school crew and that’s their prerogative – God forbid I should someday have a family and “normal life”. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way, and I sure miss y’all tonight.

The best Thanksgivingy passtime I could come up with for my self this evening was to sift back through folders and folders of old photos and assemble my favorites into a 60-deep Ghosts of Thanksgiving Past gallery. I hope you laugh if you were there and snicker a little bit even if you weren’t. At the very least you can watch us lose our hair. I’ll surely be tasting Jimmy’s deep fried turkey tomorrow as I catch up on work while all my American clients take the day off to stuff their respective faces. Great memories, great friends and trust me kids – there’s no way I’ll miss it two years in a row.

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Wednesday Wadio: The Castaways ‘Liar Liar’


in Wednesday Wadio

I’m not trying to be obscure. I’m not trying to be retro, kitschy or cool. This song made it onto my iPod courtesy of the Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels soundtrack and it’s been haunting me in my car for a few weeks now. Guy Ritchie effectively took a page out of Scorsese’s book with his uncanny ability to dig up obscure old music and give it new life at the movies. After you get over the shock that the first part of this Castaways classic is actually being sung by a man you’re in for an ethereal masterpiece of ‘Garage‘ rock – a genre of which bands like The White Stripes and Hives are direct descendants.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lovzdcIFmCQ&feature=related[/youtube]

I’m pretty sure that the song is firmly lodged into my subconscious because it was a favorite of The Pill DJ at the night’s various locations around Boston. When it was held every Friday at the Upstairs Lounge in North Station my friends and I were frequent and loyal attendees. What a delightful little moment in Beantown nightlife that was. Sigh.

The song reached #12 on the Billboard 100 in 1965 and made the band the epitome of a one hit wonder. They still exist with one original member intact, and in addition to Liar Liar they’ve apparently added ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ to their repertoire and are available for weddings and bar mitzvahs throughout greater Minnesota. You can legally download a full MP3 version of Liar Liar from the Castaways’ website, and if you like what you see in the video make sure that you do – as the compressed audio really doesn’t do this remarkable little song justice. Please listen and enjoy.

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Reality Bites Itself in the Ass


in Television

I finally got Direct TV… any TV… and the holy grail that is American reality television is once again mine after 7 long months of seclusion. I don’t watch a whole lot of it intently, but I do tend to keep it on during the day while I am working and soak a lot of it up through some sort of crapola osmosis. As you can imagine I have made some observations.

People who write MTV in the hopes of getting their ride pimped seem more interested in possessing a reliable car that doesn’t have to be hotwired or towed on a daily basis than having a tropical fish aquarium with a blacklight mounted in their back seat. It’s all well and good to have 6 high definition flat screens in your hatchback, but they won’t really help you when you when you’re stalled at 3am while a meth addict taps at your windshield with a hook. The guys who soup up these cars are extremely good at painting an intricate spider web on the hood of a car, but I’d rather see them get under it. How about a spinoff starring MC Serch entitled ‘Fix my Transmission’?

There’s Something About Miriam is a tipping point. A frightening one. I think the show was inevitable, it just took reality producers 15 years (the genre was technically born in 1992 with the first episode of The Real World) to find a transsexual that could actually fool anybody. More shows are going to feature shocking twists the contestants didn’t sign on for and more humiliated people are going to sue, kill themselves – and even kill others like the guy who’s best friend came out and professed his love for him on Jenny Jones a few years ago. After they got back to their small town, the crushee whacked the crusher. There’s a difference between introducing a surprise guest and introducing mental anguish – and the backlash is coming.

A PE fan since the day in 1986 when I first heard Rebel Without a Pause pumping out of a boom box at JV basketball practice, I have been glad to see Flava Flav’s fortunes increase via his second wind on Surreal Life, Strange Love, Flava of Love and his Comedy Central roast. Let’s face it, the man has a financial responsibility for every sperm that’s ever swum through his sack. I hear that “My 13 Children and Their 5 Mothers Thank God Everyday for Introducing me to Brigitte Nielsen” is currently in development.

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Mike vs. Gore Vidal


in Politics

I have been aggressively trying to keep the site up to date (Wadio, Quizzlets, etc.) but to say it has been a difficult week would be the understatement of the year. I do, however, have a treat for you today. One of my very best friends, and Concord boy, Mike M. is debating Gore Vidal on BBC radio at 1 p.m. today. Click here to listen to the broadcast online – and good luck buddy!

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Mayberry Moments


in

After 10 years of living in the North End, small town vignettes are not something I’m particularly accustomed with. That is probably why they stick out to me like sore thumbs. I drove in to Portland today for two purposes – to send a package at the post office and pick up some groceries. I decided to hit the post office first and walked into the foyer to discover they were closed. Yesterday was Remembrance Day so I knew it wasn’t a holiday-related closure. And the hours clearly read 8-5 so I was perplexed. There were two old men in the foyer opening their respective mailboxes and one of them finally muttered “something… something… 1:30“. I nodded like I’d actually understood what he’d said and walked back to my car.

After putting the items to be shipped back in the Charga I walked over to the little Grocery store on the main drag. A nice lady greeted me and I quickly asked her if there was any reason the Post Office was closed. Without missing a beat she replied “Mike’s on his lunch break until 1:30“. As I only had 15 minutes to wait I did my shopping and by the time I had put my groceries in the car I could see Mike, whom I’d never met before, puttering around with the post through the front window. I walked in, selected a big padded envelope and wrote out the destination and return addresses. I handed it over to Mike who glanced at it and asked “Did your parents get off to Florida like they’d planned?” I was shocked as I live a good 10 minute drive away… in the woods. But that’s small town life for you, and it’s growing on me.

I can’t help but wonder who I’d be speaking to if I ever had to call 911. The O.P.P. polices towns like mine which are too small to warrant their own forces and the closest station I know about is 15 minutes away in Smiths Falls. Would Gomer Pyle be the responding officer who arrived half an hour after my cat and I had already been hacked into a dozen pieces by an escaped lunatic? What if my imaginary girlfriend’s period attracts bears? I think Pumpkinhead may also be buried in the mound which makes up a good chunk of my mother’s garden. Good heavens, I need me a 12 gauge if I’m ever going to build that still.

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Veekend Video: One Thirsty Kitty


in Animalistic, Veekend Video

Earlier this year I took my cat, Boss, to the vet to be tested for diabetes. The reason? His incessant fascination with, and imbibement of, water. He’s always been fascinated with the stuff – when he was a kitten at our house in Guelph he’d charge into the bathroom whenever anyone got out of the shower and sit in the tub watching the faucet drip. We nicknamed him “the inspector” and chalked it up to that old kitty curiosity.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Qd0lZIIn3A[/youtube]

Now that he’s 10 years old, 27 trips to the water dish, faucet, shower or sink a day is a little unsettling. Hence the visit to the vet. His bloodwork came back completely normal and I was told he is exceptionally healthy for a creature of his age. I suppose then that his water OCD is just that – the same fixation he’s had since his inception. In which case, it’s kind of cute. I made this video last Sunday, edited the clips together and set it to a classic Tom Jones tune. It turned out remarkably cute and funny, so have a gander.

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It’s Official: I am an American Citizen


in Heartwarming

Yesterday I took my oath and was sworn in as a United States Citizen in Boston’s awesome and historic Faneuil Hall. I sat in the main gallery with nearly 400 other people from every corner of the world who, like me, had decided to go through the long and arduous nationalization process. I sat near a friendly Russian and had a great conversation with my new buddy from Ghana who’s name I have no idea how to spell – so I’m not going to insult him by trying. Hopefully he will check in here himself and set me straight. We told many jokes, poked fun at some of the more breathtaking patriotic apparel and shared a real awe of the absolute hell many of the people in that room had to endure to get there. Congratulations to us all, and good luck in Texas, buddy. I’ll see you in Canada when you come to visit.

Tonight we’re having an informal gathering to mark the occasion of Citizen Pye at Silvertone in downtown Boston. If you’re not looking to shoot me for any reason, I invite you to drop in. We’ll be in the back room after 9pm. Here is a photo taken by my sister outside Faneuil after the ceremony yesterday. The document I’m holding cost me roughly $3,000 in terms of fees, plane tickets and lawyers – but it is beautiful and worth every cent. I only wish the passport photo used wasn’t taken so soon after I bashed in my face last December. I’m lucky for that reason my application wasn’t tossed into the circular file in the Tip O’Neil Building.

United States Naturalization Document

While we’re on the subject of photos, I have added a few new galleries to the site. Check out the rest of the photos from yesterday as well as various other shots from my latest Boston trip: Dave’s a Yankee Doodle Dandy. Then have a gander at the photos I took last weekend when Jason and Amy came to visit me in Portland. It’s a beautiful part of the country and the leaf peeping was sublime: Best Buddies Awesome Autumn Invitational. Also feel free to politely peruse photos from a Halloween party where I appeared as Indiana Jones, as well as a collection from another recent jaunt to Newport Rhode Island: October 2007. And finally, you might just find a picture of yourself in my tribute to the last few Halloween celebration ingeniously entitled: Ghosts of Halloweens Past. Having read and viewed all of the aforementioned, if you’re not thoroughly sick of my nutty life – you really should be. Looking forward to seeing many of you tonight.

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Wednesday Wadio: Geto Boys ‘Mind Playing Tricks on Me’


in Wednesday Wadio

I made it to Beantown in one piece this evening and enjoyed Buffalo chicken sandwiches and Harpoon IPA with Moynihan, Joanna and my sister at Bukowski’s in Inman Square. As we drove back to Janet’s place in Medford, “Mind Playing Tricks on Me” crackled through on the always reliable WERS and we had a jolly good time singing along. Collectively, ladies included, we knew about 80% of the lyrics by heart and it was a nice little trip down memory lane for the lot of us. Not exactly the most patriotic of tunes on the eve of my induction into American citizenship, but to the best of my knowledge Bushwick Bill never recorded a version of “Ballad of the Green Berets”.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU2TPUimrLk[/youtube]

Blatantly copied from somewhere because I have to go to sleep:  “Mind Playing Tricks on Me” was the only number 1 single ever released by the Geto Boys. It was featured on their 1991 album We Can’t Be Stopped. Bushwick Bill (a.k.a. Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwickin the Barbarian Mother Funky Stay High Dollar Billstir) continued on with other records with both a solo career, and later updated records with The Geto Boys. It is the most successful Geto Boys single ever based on its gold certification. [1] Not so oddly, it is on the most successful Geto Boys album based on its platinum certification. “Mind Playing Tricks on Me” heavily samples Isaac Hayes’s song “Hung Up On My Baby” (1974) from the Tough Guys soundtrack.

“Mind Playing Tricks on Me” was rated number 18 in the 100 Greatest Rap Songs by About.com. The Kottonmouth Kings remixed the song for their album Hidden Stash II under the same name. “Mind Playing Tricks on Me” has been referenced by Prodigy, of Mobb Deep fame, in his single, Mac 10 Handle, and by The Clipse, in the song “Nightmares” of their third album, “Hell Hath No Fury.” The Notorious B.I.G. references “Mind Playing Tricks on Me” and sings the guitar line from the song’s chorus in his hit “One More Chance.” In the song “She Lives In My Lap” off the highly successful 2003 OutKast album Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, Andre 3000 samples Scarface’s vocals from Mind’s Playing Tricks On Me.

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Citizen Pye Approaches


in Heartwarming, Travels

Tomorrow I set off for Boston, yet again, for the final piece of my American Citizenship puzzle. I will be sworn in as a bonafied Yank Thursday at 12 noon inside Faneuil Hall. It’s been a year-long effort – much to the amusement of Air Canada’s coffers, but I am beyond happy and excited to finally be able to hand back my Green Card and start enjoying the perks of being a proper American. I’m still not entirely sure what those entail, but I’m hopeful.

I touch down in Beantown tomorrow afternoon at 5pm and will be hanging out on Hanover Street (Paradiso/Volle Nole) until my sister is finished work and decides to come to the North End and get me on our eventual way to her place in Medford. Thursday is the ceremony, followed by liquory silliness… and then the real silliness begins Friday night when Janet is said to be throwing me some sort of patriotic pant-puller either at her house or in a Beantown bar. If you’re interested in joining the fray – call my sister. Or, just show up. I’ll post details here on the blog as soon as I have them. You’re also completely welcome not to give a toss.

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Wednesday Wadio: ‘Lucy in the Car with David’


in Animalistic, Veekend Video, Wednesday Wadio

Reactions to my first music video have certainly run the gamut: “”The gong at the end? Comedy genius”. or my personal favorite “There’s Citizen Kane, there’s Battleship Potemkin and then there’s this”. Regardless, Lucy in the Car with David is a special moment in time. The sort of moment you may spend a lot of time trying to block from your memory for a few days after having watched it. So for goodness sake – make sure your volume is up.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbh8PY3F7GI[/youtube]

Recorded in Newport Rhode Island roughly two weeks ago while left to my own devices in the parking lot of a liquor store, I think it’s fitting that unadulterated genius was hatched thusly. It’s not the Cavern Club, it’s not Big Pink, it’s the back seat of an Audi Quattro. But it’s undoubtedly a little slice of musical heaven. As it’s Halloween, I dedicate this to Joplin, Cobain, Lennon, Orbison, Hoon, Curtis, Harrison, Dimebag Darryl and anyone else who’d likely spin in their grave given the opportunity to hear LITCWD. No need to thank me for the exercise.

No animals were harmed in the making of this film. Unless you count Kingman and Henry who were inside buying enough liquor to sicken the crew of a pirate ship.

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Streppin’ to the A.M.


in Health

If you’re over the age of oh, 15, and you had your tonsils removed as part of some childhood procedure or fishing accident – please take a moment to rejoice right now. Although I managed to see the inside of an emergency room more than the average adolescent, tonsil yanking was never on the menu. As a result, this whacking great hanging heap of useless flesh, which I have named “Kevin Federline”, becomes an autumn haven to streptococcus bacteria about once every three years and I am right in the middle of such a party.

The difference between strep throat and a more run of the mill sore throat are symptoms including: red and white patches in the throat, tender or swollen glands (lymph nodes) in the neck, lower stomach pain, fever, general discomfort, uneasiness, or ill feeling, loss of appetite and nausea, rash. All a big affirmative in this current situation. Unless I’m mistaken, and this is just a bad case of the garden variety, I’ll have to go to the ER in Smiths Falls until some kind doctory soul gives me penicillin. But I’m actually pleased to have a mission, even if the ride is going to be uncomfortable (did I mention the full body buzz?) because I have been bedridden for 2 days and the novelty has definitely worn off at this point as Heather Hunter isn’t in here with me.

I get out for one little Halloween party and now I’m bloody quarantined with strep. It’s tough to have fun in the sticks I guess. I’ve gone from worrying about the stray bullets, crazy cabbies and Sox parade mob tramplings of the inner city to things like dysentery and deer ticks and making out with the skinny chick in front of the Smiths Falls methadone clinic. Oh Mr. strep, will you please stop haunting me so!

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Biologically I am in Fact a Grown Man


in Heartwarming, Movies

My folks just took off to Florida for the winter and I am officially Ted Kaczinsky. Alone, in the woods, growing a beard, writing a manifesto and sending C4 through the mail to people I don’t like whilst dressed up like Weird Al Yankovich. Not really. If it’s any less disturbing, and let’s face it – it probably isn’t – the Indiana Jones costume I have prepared for a Halloween party tonight in Kingston is tres, tres dope. If I do say so Myself. Let me break it down for you.

  • An authentic Indiana Jones hat which I bought online from the company who makes them for the movies.
  • An $8 bullwhip replica I found on eBay. The real thing goes for $700.
  • One of my father’s replica revolvers, complete with holster, which looks frighteningly authentic. If I am shot to death tonight by the OPP there need be little question as to why.
  • An over the shoulder belt and WWII satchel that my Mom sewed out of an old canvas beach bag prior to  her departure.
  • Khaki pants which are fairly faithful to those worn by Harrison.
  •  An off-white collared shirt with a few pockets and things that I found in my Dad’s golf closet.

I tried it on for the first time a couple hours ago and I’m quite happy with it. After I put it on at my party location, I will proceed to smear a little dirt on myself and bloody up my knuckles like I’ve been battering Nazis and/or Thuggees for two hours. The hat is perfect and really makes the whole costume. I will post photos of the Indy getup next week and I invite you to send in your own 2007 Halloween costume photos which I’ll post and review, should I get any. Email them to me and then brace yourselves.

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Sponsor Me in the Brain Games


in Heartwarming

Those of you who know Janet and I are aware that brain health is a subject very close to my family’s heart right now and your gestures will be most appreciated by us all. On October 24th, I will be putting my brain to work in support of the Firefly Foundation, a charitable organization dedicated to advancing brain health. The Brain Games will test how quickly I think, how well I remember, and how responsive I am to the world around me. This quick and fun online event will provide an assessment of my brain fitness. Donate to me today and help me reach my fundraising goal. Thank you in advance for your support. You can learn more and make a donation to sponsor me here.

Update: Many thanks to Jaime, Suzanne, Chris, Heather and everyone else who sponsored me.

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