“Don’t get me wrong – we’re thrilled. Just surprised. You do realize Justin Bieber’s not actually in Arcade Fire, right?”
Friday’s Quizzlet: Uncle Oscar
Nice to see you again, little Quizzlet. It’s been far too long. I’m making up my own questions this week. They’re deliberately crafted so I can cover a few topics on my mind which might not deserve an entire post. Please take a silly stab at them yourselves in the comments.
Appetizer: How does it feel to be an Uncle?
Feel free to now think to yourselves, “Wait, THIS doesn’t deserve its own post, jerktard?” Relax. There’s no doubt in my mind that wee Bonnie Mackenzie will feature as prominently on my blog as she will in my life. I’m driving to Jay Peak this very afternoon for a little skiing and a whole whackload of doting. My camera is charging and you’ll be sorry that thought ever crossed your mind when you’re assailed by at least 7 baby videos on Monday. Oh for shame.
Soup: What movie should win the Oscar for Best Picture on the 27th?
I’ve now seen all the nominees except Toy Story 3. I bought it for my friend Mary’s kids but have heard it’s rude to open and watch a DVD before giving it to a child for Christmas. Regardless, at this time in our conversation I feel comfortable giving you my one/two-sentence opinions on the other 9 nominees in descending order of adoration:
- The Fighter: I loved this movie, can’t wait to see it again and sincerely hope that it wins. If you haven’t seen this yet, ask yourself, “why?” and then ‘speedbag’ your own breasts/ballsac.
- True Grit: I already knew every line of the original 1969 version but the Coens, Jeff Bridges and especially Hailee Steinfeld put thoroughly re-watchable (I’ve now seen it 3 times) fresh spins on the source novel.
- Winter’s Bone: The world desperately needed a redneck meth mystery and this one cooked up real good.
- The King’s Speech: The cast and director of my predicted winner did this amazing script proud while shedding light on a fascinating royal who’s been all but forgotten by history.
- Black Swan: No desire to see it again, didn’t exactly cry when it was over (although I did feel like taking a shower) but Portman deserves the nod for Best Actress.
- Inception: Definitely deserves the Oscar for Best Special Effects in a year full of standouts (ahem, Tron) but as a whole this embarrassingly overrated movie bored me. Shouldn’t be nominated in this category.
- The Social Network: Enjoyed Fincher’s work here as I always do – but I’m tired of hearing about this flick and want it to go away.
- 127 Hours: Boyle and Franco made an impressive team but in a year already full of worthy contenders this nomination reeks of silly overstuffing as it has no chance of winning.
- The Kids are All Right: Gotta call it like I see it here – not that remarkable a film and more overstuffing directly related to
Hollywood’s gay marriage fascinationpopular social themes.
A quick note on what isn’t on the Academy’s list – I’m definitely not the only person who thinks that at least a couple of films on the above list should have been replaced with The Town. Affleck’s a bit of a douche but he’s definitely coming into his own behind the camera.
Salad: Did Gervais go too far at the Golden Globes?
Are you kidding, Quizzlet? He made watchable an obligatory, self-serving circle-jerk designed to appeal to the foreign press. Next year hold it in fucking Brussels. Any Hollywood heavyweight who shows up for an award show where The Tourist was nominated for best picture with a straight face deserves whatever Ricky dishes out. He’s one of the funniest humans alive and I have been a huge fan of his for over a decade now. Watch him tear Tinseltown’s elite a new one below…
Main Course: Which weekly TV series are you currently geeking-out over?
Glad you asked, Quizzlet. Season 2 of Justified starring Seth Bullock Timothy Olyphant started this week and rest assured that’s a very good thing. Better yet, grab yourself a jar of apple pie flavored moonshine and sit your damn self down in front of the TV next Wednesday at 10pm. But it’s not all redneck’s n’ roses – while one of my favorite new FX series got renewed, the woefully under-watched and underappreciated Terriers didn’t make it off the beach.
Time’s James Poniewozik ranked Terriers at #10 on his Top 10 List of television shows in 2010. The Daily Beast’s Jace Lacob selected the show as part of his top 10 shows of 2010. HitFix.com’s Alan Sepinwall ranked Terriers at #3 on his top 10 list for 2010 as well as #1 on his list of best new shows of 2010. The AV Club ranked it as their number 7 show of the year.
There’s no doubt in my mind FX knows how to market a new show. If I see one more promo for Lights Out or Archer I’ll probably start watching them (who am I kidding – I already do. FX shows rule). I think the network underestimated Terriers and the resulting lack of faith was reflected in the minimal advertising campaign. If there’s any good news, it’s that Terriers had a recurring plot arc which ran in one form or another through the entire 13 episode lifespan. That, coupled with the optimistic and open-ended finale, will make it quite enjoyable as a stand alone season. Seek out a torrent (shhh!) and I’ll post a link to the DVD if and when it’s released. Check out the awesome, cheeky little theme song below. We hardly knew ye.
Dessert: What is the airspeed velocity of a European swallow?
Enough already, Quizzlet. I have some work to finish up and still have to drive to Vermont today. I’ll see all you fresh-faced kids next week.
Doc Squawk: “When You’re Strange”
Documentaries are a huge love of mine and I find myself seeking them out more and more frequently. As a result I’m going to add a dedicated new category to the blog – Doc Squawk. Where I squawk about the docs, obviously. I may also chirp, bu-gock or even “review” them.
During my senior year of high school Oliver Stone conveniently created a major motion picture/biopic about classic rock band The Doors titled, intuitively enough, The Doors. Jim Morrison was played by Val Kilmer, John Densmore was played by an Entourage douche, Robby Krieger was played by a Pulp Fiction fruitcake and Ray Manzarek was emoted by a Twin Peaks twit. High-calibre director and actors equaled a solid flick overall. I thought that 20 years ago as a confused teenager – and still do.
“Faces come out of the rain? Who’d you buy this shit from?”
Although convinced I hated “classic rock” back in 1991 and spent almost all my time cooing about the Happy Mondays and Stone Roses, for some reason my group of friends and I were hell bent on seeing this movie. I remember the pre-flick “preparation” in the parking lot of the movie theater in Woburn, Massachusetts like it was yesterday. In fact, it’s amazing we were able to put one foot in front of the other long enough to have our tickets torn.
We came, we saw, we began listening to The Doors incessantly for the rest of the year. In fact, I distinctly remember creating mixtapes (of which I was a mass-producer) which contained both Doors tunes and the likes of Manchester masters like the aforementioned – plus perhaps Inspiral Carpets, The Farm and The Charlatans – all mixed together. And I remember why I did this. The Doors never had a bass player. The entire low end was provided by Manzarek’s awesome dual-keyboard adeptness. As organs were also a huge part of the “Madchester” music scene, the synergy was obvious to me at the time and I rest my zit-faced case.
I’ve retained my appreciation for the band over the last 20 years, well beyond the strange little pop culture fad I went through way back when. As a result, when I finally signed up for Netflix and hooked it up in the Man Cave via my PS3 last night, the first thing I watched was the recent documentary “When You’re Strange: A Film About The Doors
My point is, tons of the dialogue we see spoken in the documentary made it into the script of the biopic – and that realization enthralled the heck out of me. For example, I always had a hard time picturing Jimmy screaming, “You’re all a bunch of fuckin’ slaves, man!”, to thousands of people in Miami. I no longer have that problem. I really enjoyed and maybe even nerded-out a little over finally getting to see so much of what was source material for the film I’ve dug for such a long time now.
In short, loved it. Great insight (especially all the movie-like footage of Morrison being chased through the desert in a ‘68 Mustang – anyone know where and why that was filmed?) Fans of The Doors (movie, band etc.) have to seek it out. And in closing I’d just like to say… thank goodness my 17-year-old self never had access to peyote.
Monday’s Quotelet: Halftime Ho
Last night’s Superbowl halftime show left me speechless. Springsteen, McCartney, U2 – these are SB calibre performers. Whomever “booked the ‘Peas” should be looking for work today. I’m pretty sure that’s probably the exact phrase they use when describing it to their friends, too. I’m so beside myself I’m going to give y’all a little something to get started with and then let you run wild:
Not the biggest sports fan ever to grace a halftime stage, Fergie was asked why she brought a catcher’s mitt to a predominantly football-related event…
…and then you can insert your very own “plastic surgery” or “weathered vagina” joke. Today I’m just here to inspire.
Wednesday Wadio: Deerhunter’s ‘Desire Lines’
I’ve been hearing about how good Deerhunter is for a couple of years now. Admittedly, a lot of the kudos was from Pitchfork, who routinely give 8/10s to dime-a-dozen Southern rappers and the side projects of hipster side projects – so I have learned to take their enthusiasm with a grain of obscure salt. My biggest reaction prior to finally listening to their latest album, Halcyon Digest, a week ago was to giggle and shout, “Mau!” I was ignorant, folks. Ignorant and so very, very wrong. Pass the revolver and make sure Mikey hasn’t drowned or been eaten by rats yet. How’s that for obscure?
The whole record is great. Standouts include “Helicopter”, “Revival” and “Coranado” – but the tune that has kept me completely obsessed, for a variety of reasons I’m about to get into (and for at least 50 listens to date), is the remarkable “Desire Lines”. Get stuck into it right now…
Homage or not, this song’s been added to my all-time favorites list.
It’s a beautiful, catchy song. Bradford Cox and company know how to write themselves a tune. And after you get through the first 4 lovely minutes, it shifts gear into another 4 minutes of equally listenable, lyric-less jamming. Here’s where I get especially turned on – the similarities of said 4-minute jam to the last 4 minutes of my favorite Pixies tune, also sans lyrics after a completely different sounding first half, are so striking that it absolutely has to be some sort of homage. That or an accident perpetrated by the Gods especially for me. You be the judge…
This Monkey’s Been to Heaven. And most likely Atlanta, Georgia.
Any way you slice it, “Desire Lines” uncanny resemblance to “No. 13 Baby” in no way detracts from my enjoyment of Deerhunter’s new classic. It is so rare that a song, let alone an entire LP, reaches out and grabs me like this that it absolutely had to be the first Wadio of 2011. I hope you like it and look forward to your comments. It’s gonna be a good year for music.
3 Words I’m Eliminating From my Vocabulary
This isn’t simply another ill-conceived New Year’s resolution… because I’ve been trying to stop using these 3 particular English words for at least a couple of years now. So you know I must be very passionate about this verbal endeavour.
- Passionate: Ask yourself – how many times have you heard someone use this word in the last 7 days? My point is, it’s become a very popular “go to” in the last 5 years or so. So popular in fact that it’s completely lost its power. In ancient times (late 1990’s) “Passionate” was a remarkable and seldom-used term reserved for the most special of situations. T’was a haymaker. Today, however, it sloppily proliferates every single resumé, “About Us” webpage and stupid reality television show you can name. In the course of a week I literally think I hear or read it a couple dozen times. I used to love it… but I have to kill it. “Why should you hire me to clean your yard once a week? Well, (chuckle), that’s simple. Because I’m passionate about separating dog shit from mulch.”
- Really?: Note the question mark. And it’s usually preceded by “Pffft…” There’s nothing wrong with “really” nine out of ten times in normal conversation. I’m taking issue with it in a specific context – namely, that context after which someone has said, proposed or done something you don’t approve of… and you have no better material or recourse than to simply utter “really?” in the most patronizing of fashions. It’s the crutch of the unimaginative. And recently it’s absolutely saturated popular culture. ”Let me get this straight. You want me to either give you a blood sample or exhale into a breathalyser. Really?”
I’m talking to you, Seth & Amy.
- Interesting: See “Really?”
If every other sentence of your marketing material contains the word “passionate”, then I’m sorry if this post is troublesome or even pause for thought. These are my personal observations. However, if your greatest contribution to a smoky party discussion about healthcare is “interesting…” – be warned as I may strike you from somewhere within the dark. Levitate our lexicon, people. Or something.
E-O-Twenty-Eleven
What better way to kickstart my long-overdue blogging rebirth than the announcement of a Pixies show in Ottawa? That news certainly shook the dust off my semi-dormant pop culture nerdery. Like a soon-to-be-incarcerated nanny. As did the first hand realization that the lack of a regular creative outlet sometimes leads to very dark places.
And how could I have gone two whole weeks without screaming from the rooftops about the birth of my gorgeous little niece? The rooftop in this case being www.DavePye.com aka www.PyeintheFace.com? The world is a much better place with you in it, little Bonnie MacKenzie Helem (“Kenzie” for short). Yes, she’s named after my beloved Mother so feel free to shed a few tears. Or pounds – it is January after all.
I just got a better idea. Why not combine the two topics via my trusty Photoshop installation and then title the whole thing with an obscure reference to an old Rat Pack film? It’s as good a rebirth as any I’ve seen recently. Excepting, of course, Los Pixies themselves. On we go…
My niece may very well go on to become one of the most influential guitarists of all time. It’s not for anyone to say as the paint is still wet. Incidentally, the venue in question is the Ottawa Civic Center on April 16th and a ticket pre-sale begins today at 1pm over on www.PixiesMusic.com. Happy New Year, everyone. I’m back.
Monday’s Quotelet: Christmas for Pogo
Unluckily for Sarah and Little Matt, Gacy had just popped over to the mall for some more duct tape.
Monday’s Quotelet: Kitten the Bucket
Not to be outdone by KFC’s “Double-Down” sandwich, Popeye’s was quick to unveil it’s brand-new “Quadrouple-Down” family fun bucket.
Best & Worst Indiana Jones Costumes
I’m dusting off the fedora tonight for a Halloween costume which has evolved and improved considerably since the first time I decided to dress up as Indiana Jones 3 years ago. Granted, I took last year off in favor of a Predator costume – which just so happened to win first prize – but you can’t be Dr. Jones all the time. That would be exhausting. In addition to incredibly sad.
My 2010 additions include: Replicas of the Staff of Ra headpiece, the Hovitos fertility idol and a Sankara Stone all tucked neatly, and extremely heavily, away in a MK2 WW2 gas mask bag just like the one Jr. wears in the classic films. It should be noted that nowhere in said bag does there exist a female date for tonight’s party. Perhaps that didn’t need notation.
I think that if you up the ante considerably with improvements to a “timeless” costume the way I like to with my Indy ensemble it’s OK to wear it every other year or so. If you’re a Halloweenie who likes to stay trendy and in-the-moment, you can go join the undoubtedly enormous group of folks who’ll be dressing up as Snooki and Pauly D. this year. And then fist-pump yourself betwixt the buttocks.
My costume is pretty tight – I mean that in both senses of the word – but I’m not the first, best or worst to have ever donned this adventurer’s gay apparel. I was able to find a few individuals who could, however, rank well at both ends of the spectrum. See if you can tell which is which.
Doing Indiana Proud
”Indiana John” founded a great website for the true enthusiast which not only discusses the actual movie props/costumes in great historical detail, but also helps everyday movie-nerds such as myself get their hands on said sacred stuff. His personal costume has the whole look nailed, from the dark brown color of the jacket right on down to the slightly too-high pant legs. I wanna Halloween party with this guy. Just not on one of the years I’m wearing my own walking tribute.
Pleats Release Me
There’s more than a few things glaringly wrong here – the least of which might be the Medic Alert bracelet. Trying to picture a Nazi standing over anyone announcing, “Give him some air – he’s an epileptic!” … just takes me right out of the mood. And the pleats in the wrinkly pants make me think that one of the red dot stops on this guy’s iconic Indy movie map must have been a T.J. Maxx “irregular” bin. Know your history, Mr. George Clooney look-alike, or you’re doomed to repeat it.
Something, Something… we Have a Problem
Were this meant to be a Matt Houston costume he’d have my vote for first prize. If Indy had ever been scripted as nipple-tortured by a nymphomaniac member of the Guardian Angels – again I’d be a huge proponent of this guy. As it stands, do your fucking shirt up.
A Royal Raider
It looks like Prince Charles decided to complement son Harry’s recent Nazi costume with a little Jones of his own. And look – he finally found a use for that plastic belt he hadn’t worn since 8th grade graduation. I don’t know if that’s makeup on his face or if he was brutally battered on his way in from the parking lot. What I do know is that part of a good Indy costume should be the ability to fight off Girl Guides. Not my favorite example but at least he’s standing next to a sexy Thundercat which is more than I’ll be able to claim.
Play safe this evening, folks, unlike I did a year ago tonight when I totalled my car on the way home from the aforementioned costume-contest victory. Somehow that $25 gift certificate ceased to seem quite as cool when I woke up and saw my mangled whip in the cold light of day. It’s a lot easier to navigate when you’re wearing a fedora as opposed to a giant rubber Predator mask, so I’ve got that going for me in 2010. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Somewhere the ghost of Steve McQueen was surely thinking, “A little late on the brakes, kid.” And also very likely, “You’re going to die alone, nerd”. Happy Halloween!
Separated at Birth? Rob McElhenney and Haley Joel Osment
“I see despicable, co-dependant people from Philadelphia.”
If it’s just me, I’ll shut up. But it kinda grabbed me by the short and curlies earlier today. Whaddaya think?
Overcharged for Hydro in Ontario
When a neighbour of mine popped over recently to ask if I too were being charged insane monthly hydro amounts, I looked back on my bills for the summer (I live in Portland, Ontario) to learn they’ve been consistently $500 and over for many, many months. How did I miss these ridiculous charges? My lame excuse is: because the monthly hydro bills are directly withdrawn from my bank account. So I logged into said account and looked a little closer to see that for September’s bill of over $900 had just been directly placed in Hydro One’s coffers. “WTF?” doesn’t really cover the reaction that followed.
And here’s the thing – I’ve been having issues with my furnace and have had it completely switched off for over 4 weeks now. Were I running a grow-op with massive amounts of hydroponic equipment nurturing illegal flora in my basement, I’d keep my mouth shut. But since my Hydro bill should have actually been dramatically less for last month – well, it’s driven me to blog about this nonsense in the hopes eventual readers might be able to share their stories or shed some light on just what the heck is going on. And forget the $900 for a second. I’ve easily been paying over 50% more every month than should be normal for a 30 day utility charge for over a frickin’ year now.
Hydro One: I’m not building a spaceship, powering a nuclear reactor or harbouring the Trailer Park Boys’ next big growing scheme on my property. I’m going to call you next week and try to get to the bottom of this. And by “get to the bottom of this” I actually mean “get a massive credit/refund”. I will keep everyone updated as to what transpires. If you’ve found this post via a Google search and are in the same boat – please leave your own story in the comments below. In the meantime, I’ll be panhandling or selling my body in anticipation of next month’s financial haemorrhage.
Monday’s Quotelet: Save Some Money
Michael Sorrentino’s latest deal with MTV has been slightly overshadowed by that pesky contract he signed with Beelzebub in 2009.
Now Hoarding at Gate 6
Regarding the older episode of "Hoarders" that aired right after the season premiere last night: One decade-old kitty corpse in your house is nasty. Two? Well, that just "reeks" of a larger problem. See what I did there?
I thought my Grandmother’s basement was bad when, whilst clearing it out in the Summer of 2007, I found the blackened top of my parent’s wedding cake from 1966 (among other similarly odd treasures). But when you’re actually misplacing house pets as they’re crushed underneath mountains of fast food containers and kipple – it’s definitely time to call your son in Seattle, who looks like he may have been a member of Screaming Trees at one point, to come to the rescue. And perhaps a very talented psychiatrist.
The popularity of this cringe-worthy A&E show isn’t hard to understand. As I wrote about 6 years ago when talking about The Real World and other popular reality shows of the time, these televised train wrecks make us feel better about our own lives and the comparatively petty day-to-day dreck we choose to worry about obsessively. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m positive my dentures are right here under this mountain of Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Monday’s Quotelet: Hayward Ya Blow Me?
“You do realize that when I said I’d happily eat seafood out of the gulf I was only referring to that one untouched patch over there, yes?”