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Saturday night I was at a friend’s holiday party, and we were all having a terrific time. At some point towards the end of the evening, I went upstairs to use the 2nd bathroom and had a little trouble getting back down. That is to say – my friends found me in a large pool of blood at the bottom of one of the staircases, knocked the fuck out.

I mashed my face off of about 10 steps in total, and when I finally went to the hospital yesterday I became their guest for 11 hours. My nose is broken, gashed, and I have a 3 inch tear in my inside lower lip. Why am I telling you all this instead of being embarrassed and keeping it to myself? The answer is simple – I am going to look like Mitch Green for the next month, and am also going to get really tired of telling the story (and frightening children) again and again.

I have been in a far worse scrapes over the years but have never looked as bad as this. My face looks like a ripe plum, and this is going to be an awesome way to see all my extended family at Christmas. “SURE you fell down the stairs, Dave. What does the other guy look like?” Oh alcohol, my fickle friend. This might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back/nose. Resolution calling, anyone?

Later tonight I’ll be hitting my first Christmas party of the season, and as I sit here making merry edits to my hockey podcast page, I suddenly got the urge to wish you all some holiday cheer. More specifically, Tom and Emily began molesting my poor, aging cat on film, and they ended up with a really yuletastic photo.

Boss doesn’t really care about Jesus, in fact he doesn’t care about anything that doesn’t sound exactly like an electric can opener. So I suppose I have to take the mic for this greeting. Be safe, love your family and friends and don’t start fights at the office ‘Holiday’ party. Sorry again, Emily. Anyhew, season’s greetings and remember – Jesus is still cool.

Yesterday I spent enough on a plane ticket to Toronto to pay my rent, and then some. So I am a little disgruntled with the holidays as a result, and I have an evil plot for my christmas gifts this year. That’s right, one quick stop at HMV in Toronto. Mom is getting something about Elvis or the Beatles. Dad is getting The African Queen. The little cousins get the new Pirates of the Carribbean flick. Janet reads this blog, so I’ll keep hers a secret for the time being. It almost brings a tear to the eye, right?

The other great parts of this selfless strategy is that DVDs are usually very well received, popular at Yankee swaps and easy to wrap. My Grandmother thinks DVDs are used to keep coffee stains off the kitchen table, so I may have to get a little more creative with her. Perhaps a Rita McNeil CD will hit the spot. Personally, I love getting DVDs, so I’m not really going to lose any sleep over this operation. Just a little respect and a few friends.

There’s a scene at the beginning of Arthur, where he’s absolutely shitfaced and talking to a woman in a restaurant. A waiter drops off another glass of scotch, and Arthur says to his companion: “Aren’t waiters wonderful? You ask them for things, and they bring them.” This is how I feel right now, sans scotch. Although I did get a nice bottle as my leaving present from some former co-workers, and believe me I’ll get to it.

So why the hell didn’t someone tell me about PeaPod sooner? I had several conversations today with people who were anti-Pod. “Why would I pay $7 for delivery when the supermarket is right down the street?” That makes perfect sense if you live in Somerville. But when you’re part of the captive audience in the North End, with no market within walking distance, the Pod could be God. The few stores we do have here sees the groceries marked up aggressively, and I think the margin difference on the PP pricelist more than makes up for any fee.

They said they would deliver my stuff between 4 and 6pm, and appeared around 4:30. So they’ve got Comcast beat in that respect. “Yeah, we’ll be there sometime before the next full moon. Read a book.” The delivery guy was cool and explained the billing etc. as he knew it was my first Podtastic experience. He hauled in heavy stuff like a case of water and had all my minute deli orders cut to specifications. The website was really intuitive and the whole experience just makes me feel stupid that I’ve been paying $6 for small boxes of pasta these last 7 years.

Take my money, PeaPod. Bring me bushels of American cheese and cajun turkey. Roll up with tubs of hummus and sprinkle me with white vinegar and mayonnaise. Ring my buzzer and stroll in with several tubs of feta cheese and perhaps a bag of mixed nuts. If they had a CoinStar machine outside on the truck, I’d be in heaven.

I haven’t gone anywhere folks, I’m right here. Exciting things are afoot which are keeping me adequately slammed, and not in the good sorta Oz way. I hate blog posts like this, so how about some quick bulletpoints for discussion while I sort my shit out?

– Talledega Nights and Beerfest are both really funny.
– Next weekend I am going to attempt to ice skate for the first time in 20+ years.
– My 15 year high school reunion was excellent. As was the Thanksgiving week in general. I truly have some really great friends, and they are the best part of life.
– I start a new job, about which I am super-excited, on Monday.
– I turn 33 tomorrow. Farley and Belushi are rubbing their hands with anticipation.
– I am moving back to Toronto. Not immediately, but early 2007.
– I am going to become an American Citizen.
– Outlook 2007 is so cool it makes me want to touch myself.
– I got a new phone, finally. Same number.
– I am joining the North Station gym next week (for real).
– I got a nifty haircut today. I have far more hair than I thought I would at 33.

That’s a whole bunch of stuff, and life is good.

When you turn the heat up in my apartment, it smells exactly like someone cooking a grilled cheese. As I absolutely love grilled cheeses, this is one of the things that makes fall and winter my favorite time of year. I have found myself proclaiming that a lot lately, and have gotten some odd “Oooooh Pye – You’re just so cool, edgy and different” looks. So I thought I’d better make a quick list of other reasons I greatly prefer the November-March months.

1. Jackets: I routinely carry an iPod, cell phone, Altoids, wallet, keys and a camera. This can become challenging when it’s July in Boston and you’re considering leaving the apartment in shorts and your female roomate’s halfshirt.

2. Dry cleaning bills: For those of us who have to dress up for work, it’s no fun to start sweating like you’re in one of Jimmy Tango‘s vibrating heat bead suits before you even get on the MBTA. Thanks to Old Man Winter, I can now actually choose the times at which I want to sweat like a prostitute in church.

3. Obviously, the grilled cheese thing.

4. Tourist culling: Extreme cold cuts the foot traffic in this little section of Disneyland we call the North End in half. I can get where I need to go without walking down the middle of the street and then having to come to a full stop to the side whenever a car comes through. It’s getting harder and harder to resist the urge to yell “It’s not called a fucking sidestand!” every year.

5. Deep fried turkey: Amazing with pesto injected under the skin. Nice one, Jim.

6. Peripheral Sox Fans: If you’re truly a baseball nut, and used to go to games with your deceased uncle, I am not talking to you. I am referring to the legions of Boston residents with severe identity crisises who wear the hats, talk incessantly about Manny and go batshit on the subway on the way to lousy Fenway seats seemingly 6 days a week. When they were teenagers, they would have gotten a tattoo, pierced their nose or started dressing like Trent Reznor. Now they call themselves Soxgrrl78 on Match and MySpace and would rather watch Fever Pitch than Citizen Kane.

7. Hockey: I love hockey, and I love hockey fans. Walking 5 minutes from my home and being at the Garden is not a luxury I will have forever. In terms of overrunning the city, remember that Bruins fans are located mostly in the suburbs, then effectively corralled into North Station so as not to offend the rest of the populous. I mean, they get off the commuter rail, and they’re right there. But the best thing about preferring to hang out with B’s fans rather than Sox fans is that they might pave your driveway for a ride back to Stoneham.

I could go on. Just please trust me when I tell you I look forward to cold weather, and am not trying to impress anyone that doesn’t have half a grilled cheese sandwich in their breast pocket. Back to the blog development consulting. Damn it, I did it again guys.

You know the drill. As an SEM Consultant I have to utilize PITF sometimes to give a little SEO love to things that I’m currently working on. I am honest about it, and even try to make it marginally humorous when possible. Besides – no one has a gun to your head.

Recently, while searching for a Boston Yoga studio, a truly terrible thing happened. During a complicated vinyasa pose – I slipped, fell straight through a replacement window and had to then get in touch with a Boston personal injury lawyer. It’s really put a damper on the whole yoga idea, let me tell you. But it got even worse. The horrible doctors wrapped me in a dog sweater, jammed me into a cigar humidor and then made me design several free myspace layouts for the ER staff. Talk about a cruddy weekend.

And… scene. I won’t do that again for awhile, kids. Promise.

I have been holding off on promoting my new SEO Blog here on PITF as I wanted to make sure it was tiiight before doing so. As SEO is my profession, and I like to keep my profession on the DL around here, it was not a decision I entered into lightly. I wanted to create an identity apart from the dead hooker jokes on which to hone and possibly even ply my trade. I think you can see the logic behind that, eh? Pass the lime.

And while I probably needed another blog like a hole in the head, I went ahead and spent a lot of time putting it together. Emily was nice enough to help me with the logo and favicon, which are awesome, and I settled on a domain and brand which I am also very happy with. So without any further blabbering, and very sore typing fingers, I now give you ThirstyPony.com.

You’ve heard the old marketing expression “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink“, right? Hence the name. My tagline is Search Marketing – Simplified, and my goal is to write articles that small business owners and SEO gurus alike will be able to understand and enjoy. Think of it as the non-patronizing, evil trailer park genius of online marketing blogs. Or something. Please add it to your favorites if you’re interested in this sort of thing, and leave feedback here or on the pony itself. Give me a little whinney.

As I still don’t have my regular set of Quizzlet questions, and the interactive version from last week did so well, I thought I’d again switch it up and keep encouraging contributions. Monster just sent me a list of cheezy, inappropriate innuendos that can be made during next week’s Thanksgiving Holidays (my favorite time of year), and perhaps we can collectively add to it. What do you think, people? Let’s find our inner Merv the Pervs. Here are 18 – let’s see if we can get to 30.

01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It’s Cool Whip time!
04. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
05. That’s one terrific spread!
06. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
18. That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

I feel this is an excellent use of your company’s time. Have at it.