Pop Culture Blog: Music, Movie and Humor

Leveraging low-hanging synergies outside the vertical fruit box since 1999.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: The Itsy Bitsy Quizzy.


in Monday's Quotelet

Shh, quizzlet. Daddy’s busy.

Appetizer: What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
I had the band repaired on an old Roots watch about 15 minutes ago. I found it while cleaning my room this week and dropped it off today while having lunch at the Sidebar. I found some of the damndest other things, too – photos I’d forgotten about, my dayplanner from University, home movies,  etc.

Soup: If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
I’d invest the first thousand in a mutual fund, and give the other thousand to the Animal Rescue League of Boston.

Salad: What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
I’ve already beaten this one to death, Falco.

Main Course: You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Kitties and puppies. Alternately, if it were a shit pet store that only sells fish and crickets, crickets.

Dessert: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I’m a solid 7. I walk about 25 miles a week, and go to the gym in my office building, too.

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Please, Brunelli – Don’t Hurt ‘Em!


in

If I had the nads to take a stab at stand-up myself, I certainly wouldn’t want to do it in a packed house of hilljacks in Haverhill my first time out of the gate. I saw more victims of the S & L crisis last night than you’d probably find at a demolition derby. In spite of the pressure, the hostility and the overabundance of men who resembled the 50-year-old cousins of Dalton, I am beyond happy to report that Brunelli fucking KILLED.



When we got to Garibaldi’s – a musty-smelling, long and narrow social club with one ill-equipped bartender, the place was empty and I could tell Mark was just as nervous as all hell. About 5 of us had packed into V’s car and made the hour-long trek after work, so we quickly ponied up to the bar for some relaxers. As we chatted amongst ourselves, Mark helped set up the stage with the rest of his classmates and the place slowly started to fill up with more extras from Roadhouse. And I mean fill the frig up. By the time the first comedian hit the stage, it was standing room only. I even think I briefly saw Jeff Healey carrying Bud Lite up from the basement – although he started loading the bottles into the back of an amplifier.

Mark was the second student, and fourth comedian to go on. Throughout the first three acts, even the professionals, the crowd in the back by the bar would not shut up, and it was hard to hear anything. After Brukkake got up and told a couple of jokes – the place fell silent, and with the exception of a couple bits – including the poop joke I think we all tried to persuede him to drop – he had the ratty clientele of the Double Deuce in the palm of his hand. The most popular bit – I am paraphrasing:

“My girlfriend is great, and as relationships are all about compromise I try to make it a two-way street whenever I can. So when she told me recently she wished we could be more open to experiencing other cultures, I immediately drove to Chinatown and picked up two Brazilian whooores for us to have a gangbang with (many laughs). Then, she said she’d always wanted to go to Mexico. So again, I compromised, and took her to Lawrence.”

Frankly, I couldn’t believe it. Brunelli might have a future at this sort of thing. You can’t learn charisma or stage presence – you have it or you don’t. He gots it.

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Humor In Haverhill. No, Really.


in

Brukkake, after recently taking a short course on the artform, has his stand up comedy debut tonight at a club in Haverill. As Mark and I have had many stand-up adventures together – The last episode taping of Tough Crowd, Mr. Show at the Orpheum, Brian Regan and Colin Quinn shows at the Comedy Connection – I’m going to be there in full support. I only wish I had the balls to do it myself!

I’ll be bringing my camera and taking some photos so those of you who know him can have a look at this milestone/trainwreck for yourselves. My ride awaits – I really must put some pants on and get up to Hanover Street to his girlfriend’s, although that’s usually what I do right before I leave there. YOWSERS – feel free to use that one tonight, buddy. Break a fucking leg!

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Newport Timeshare Is On My Side. Yes It Is.


in Heartwarming

A recipie for trouble if I’ve ever heard one: Tiernan’s now has a lightning-fast, free wireless connection. My apartment was party-central for some reason Monday night, with both my roomates independantly entertaining for a combined atmosphere that resembled the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse that time it was invaded by monkeys. Needless to say, even locked away in my room like a sober veal – I got very little done. I had a deadline yesterday, and I needed a quiet place to work after-hours and so I decided to see if I really could get shit done at my favorite pub – because I was never able to when I tried at the Hind’s Head upon the procurement of my very first laptop in 1998.

Some boneless Buffalo wings and a couple Diet Cokes later, I was well on my way to getting my work finished. By midnight I was all done and having a Smithwick’s with the North End restaurant crew that goes there every night. So, all in all, a nice little productive evening. I think Tiernan’s may become a library of sorts for me. Especially during the week when it’s quiet. Anyway, the real point here is that I got an important phone call while I was sitting there, typing away.

It was Jim on the line, and he sorta sheepishly asked me if I’d be interested in getting a timeshare in Newport this summer. Perhaps he was under the impression that I enjoyed sweating profusely in dense urban settings and didn’t want to impose. Normally when we all go down there, we’re treated like royalty at Heather and Chris’ awesome house. But they have a little sailor on the way, and things done changed this year. I didn’t even think about my answer. I’m in, and I’ll be spending as little time in Boston as possible over the next 4 months. Perhaps that will cure my geographic antsiness for awhile. But definitely not the aggressive alcohol dependency.

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Wednesday Weigh-In #5: Porking Along Nicely.


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We’ve been at this for awhile now, eh? Get your updated weights in pronto, porkies. When your name is bolded, you’re officially corpulent and current. The sun is out in Boston today, and the beach is beginning to beckon. So stay on target and don’t lose the porky plot here, people.

– Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week – 265 / Target 255 / Gained 3
– Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week – 138 / Target 129 / Lost 0
– Pyeman >> Current: 224 / Last Week – 226 / Target 210 / Lost 2
– DVS >> Current 246 / Last Week – 246 / Target 210 / Lost 0
– Aubz >> Current: 133 / Last Week – 134 /Target 125 / Lost 1
– BDoyle >> Current: 188 – / Last Week – 188 / Target 175 / Lost 0
– Piglet >>> Current: 145 / Last Week – 145 / Target 135 / Lost 0
– Not Lance >>> Current: 168 / Last Week – 171 / Target 161 / Lost 3
– Greg >> Current: 183 / Last Week – 187 / Target 170 / Lost 4
– Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week – 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
– Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week – 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

Greg is doing really well, as Ray Borque is working him to death. Doyle has hit an impasse, and Monster may be a lost cause. Stay tuned throughout the day as more results seep in like Crisco in the sun. Yes, it’s officially closing in on Summer when I see the Lemonade Lady for the first time. She’s like Puxatawney Phil, only with a bucket of lukewarm Crystal Light.

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A Ray Of Light.


in

And what to my wondrous eyes just appeared? But a beam of sunshine through my office window, dear. If I had my camera here, I’d snap it for you – as it’s quite glorious. The first sun Boston has had in 8 days. I can’t remember a rainy stretch like this, and I’m glad to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m not actually a schizophrenic whaler from Blackpool.

The sun has a downside, however, and that is that our beloved homeless population will be back out in full force come dryness. But I have procured a new anti-homeless device I’d like to readily endorse and encourage you all to use to your benefit in this beleagured city. It doesn’t actually harm them, and it’s great for the bleeding hearts because afterwards you’d even be able to release them back into the wild if they weren’t there already.

It’s called an iPod, and it’s effectiveness is staggering. Whenever a ‘lost soul’ lurches into my path and demands money, I simply point innocently at my headphones and say – “Sorry Sir, but I’m listening to Strangeways Here We Come at this point in time and can’t really engage you at the moment. Did you want to discuss French drama? Perhaps invite me to a spring fête? You know, you look like a bit of a trainspotter. It’s a real tragedy I’ll never know the reason for your advance because I simply can’t hear you at this juncture.”

Oh, and tazer guns are really good too.

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Birfdays Was The Worst Days.


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I’ve finally managed to convince my sister to upload the whack of photos she’s collected from Beatrice’s, Damaris’ and her very own birthday parties. They’re your standard fare, however those of us currently involved in the pork ass challenge look stunning, the ass flash on the stairs is a very nice touch, and it’s worth the price of admission just to see the many ways in which my father managed to make people feel uncomfortable. Comments are welcome, but simply looking away is definitely encouraged.

Here’s a question for you all – consider it a survey. It serves 2 purposes: 1.) to help get a site I am involved with indexed properly by search engines for a very competitive term. 2.) I am genuinely curious as I have many friends coming to town this summer. So, what is the best way for a fairweather, peripheral fan to procure Red Sox tickets in Boston? Short of whooooring?

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I Still Have A Pony Barrel’s Worth Of Faith In Broken Lizard.


in Movies

Super Troopers is a masterpiece. If you refute this fact, you probably also think SlapShot is slightly less funny than the trailer for Meatballs 3. So despite Puddle Cruiser and Club Dread, which are collectively about as humorous as a slap in your grandmother’s wrinkly mouth, I am excited and most optimistic about Broken Lizard’s upcoming Beerfest.



Some photos were released onto the internet today, and it would appear we’re looking at some sort of a Strange Brew/Dodgeball hybrid. The official description from IMDB: Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon secret, centuries-old competition described as a “Fight Club” with beer games. In addition to Will Forte, who you can see in the above photo, the Lizards star alongside Cloris Leachman and Jürgen Prochnow in the movie. The Frat Pack’s recent and glorious ressurection of the R-Rated comedy has paved the way for a silly flick like this, pornstar hollywood legitimacy, Home Depot jokes and I’ll be there with at least a half pint.

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Liquor and Whores: The Video.


in Heartwarming

“Once I get some liquor into me, I get up and I sing this one.”

I have been looking for an excuse to try and embed a movie in one of the blog entries. And obviously – I’ve found a doozy. Enjoy the liquor and the whores, too.

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Help Me. Help Me, Help You, Help Me.


in

I recently ordered a load of ‘finance for the handicapped’ books from Amazon as I am in an attempt to shake off Tink’s pixie dust and move out of Neverland. I also got one from my doctor about bettering one’s own health and downloaded the 7 Habits of Highly Effective people which I’ve listened to in its entirety now and also re-read The Wealthy Barber. I was speaking with a friend yesterday who was quick to point out I’m going nuts with the self help books. Like it was a bad thing.

How do y’all feel about this sort of thing? I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to educate/better one’s self, and it’s not like I’m talking to the HR people at Heaven’s Gate or anything. I couldn’t balance a piggybank at the moment, and the only thing I’ve ever aggressively invested in is liquor, which granted has a pretty quick return turnaround time if we’re talking about Southern Comfort.

My desktop Media PC TV breaking down has ultimately been a blessing in surprise, although I am paying a couple of college students to come over tomorrow morning to try to fix it. God bless CraigsList. Anyhew, I’ve had loads more time to read now that I can’t Tivo Sanford and Son reruns, and I’m going to keep the trend going. I’m interested primarily in business management, finance and personal sanity. What read should be next on my list?

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Un Autre Crowning Achievement.


in

My new crown popped off a few months back while I was working in the office on a Saturday night. A truly amazing thing happened to me that evening when I stopped in for a drink on my way home. I can’t get into the details, but in the interests of setting the stage – let me just say “I can die now“. And no, I didn’t go home with Shirley Hemphill. Which is good because among other reasons she’d been dead for 7 years by that time. I’ll never forget that night, is my point.

So when that same pesky tooth cap popped off again yesterday, as I absent-mindedly tore into a Sour Patch Kid, I was initially obviously very upset. But then I remembered my previous good fortune and wondered – was there a tie in? Would the tooth fairy return, and was she still going to be as generous? The short answer is “no“. All I got out of the deal was an emergency trip to Newbury Dental this morning and an hour’s less sleep. But I think I learned a larger lesson, so perhaps the true value of crownfest #2 has yet to be revealed.

Whether it was the 7th consecutive day of Blade Runner weather, the obnoxious ponces in the Back Bay or my violent aversion to all things homeless – one thing is becoming clearer and clearer. It’s probably time for me to leave Boston. When my lease is up in September, that may be it for this chapter of my life. It’s a good thing. A change is as good as a rest – and I feel like I’ve been on a HabiTrail treadmill for a good year now. If I were a puddle of rain water, I’d be full of bacteria and SeaMonkeys. If I were a tourist in Florida, I’d have one round behind the ear and my head against the steering wheel. If I were a shark, I’d be a floater. I’ll stop.

I really think the semi-infamous wanderlust of my early 20’s has returned. And I think I like it.

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RSShake What Your Momma Gave Ya.


in Pye in the Face

First off, right out of the gate, a tremendous thank you to whichever internet ne’er do well took the time needed to put this lovely Shakira montage together. Sincerely. That trunk is full. Put the luggage in the back seat with Grandma.

Next, a few kind words about RSS Bandit. You’re reading my blog, so you probably read a few others. Did you know you can also have your news, stock quotes, movie reviews, gossip, weather and just about every other form of data under the sun delivered via RSS feeds? Download the Bandit – for those of you who are RSS amateurs, or get laid regularly, the greatest feature is the application’s ability to take any URL you give it and then hunt for an RSS feed. Sometimes they can be hard to find. So you just tell it to add a new subscrition, type in the basic site name, and if there’s a feed there it will find it. You can keep your feeds organized in a left hand column similar to IE favorites, and I absolutely love it – and I had tried many aggregators before settling on this one.

Now that I’ve come off like a huge nerd today, let me wrap up by chatting about my weight like a woman for a few lines. I mean, we’ve already established that I’m going to die alone. When you lose weight, even a little when you have a small fluxuation range like I do, your wardrobe suddenly doubles. I am back into 36s and am steadily dropping weight like a hot air balloon headed for a forest fire. If I see another fucking apple I’m going to shriek, but it’s a nice feeling and I missed these pants. Welcome back Perry Ellis.

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The Terrible T-Shirt Dilemma.


in

Here’s the thing. Go over to GoonBlog and look at our cool new logo which I paid to have someone do properly. DVS and I, in the name of goodwill and free publicity, planned to have the logo printed on the front of a T-shirt (and a funny saying like “Shit Disturber” or “Drop the Gloves” on the back) and to then give them away to friends and people who frequent our site. I even had an apparent hook-up with a local company. But we’re running into challenges, the least of which is our collective addiction to Slapshot and booze.

To screen the 4 color logo is cost prohibitive – we’re looking at many hundreds of dollars at even friendly prices. And a one-color screen on one side of a shirt is too simple and blah. We may have to settle for that, but we’re not ready to roll over and give in yet. For things other than bum sex, anyway. Cafepress or Zazzle would be easy, but we’re talking about heat-transfers at that point, and even then they come in at a $14-25 cost- per-shirt and we could never expect to sell them and definitely not give them away for free.

My question is simply this – does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? There has got to be a better solution. T-shirts cost $2 for flip’s sake. We’ve put men on the moon, we can manufacture a logo’d shirt for less than $20. Any guidance is appreciated. You’ll get a shirt out of the deal. But honestly, probably bum sex if DVS has his way.

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Wednesday Weigh-In #4: Ham-Handed Heifers


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It’s that time again, bountiful boys and girls. We’re down to 7 participants from the original 15. Some opted out and some disappeared like the first 2 little pigs. The herd has been culled – only the serious pork-assers remain. 8 weeks and many pounds left to go – so let’s look at this week’s bad news.



– Monster >> Current: 265 / Last Week – 268 / Target 255 / Lost 3
– Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week – 138.5 / Target 129 / Lost .5
– Pyeman >> Current: 226 / Last Week – 227 / Target 210 / Lost 1
– DVS >> Current 246 / Last Week – 248 / Target 210 / Lost 2
– Aubz >> Current: 134 / Last Week – 134 /Target 125 / Lost 0
– BDoyle >> Current: 188 – / Last Week – 187 / Target 175 / Gained 1
– Piglet >>> Current: 145 / Last Week – 147 / Target 135 / Lost 2.5
– Not Lance >>> Current: 171 / Last Week – 171 / Target 161 / Lost 0
– Greg >> Current: 187 / Last Week – 195 / Target 170 / Lost 8
– Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week – 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
– Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week – 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

DVS is making steady progress, as is Smash and I am back on track after two heavy weekends. Not Lance is a seemingly serious new addition. Hang in there, piglets – we’re getting there. I am finding this easier and easier as my stomach shrinks and Red Cross humanitarian aid packages drop through my ceiling. Pretty soon Angelina will adopt me and I’ll finally be heir to the Pitt millions. This is going swimmingly.

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