Has anyone else noticed that the evil girl (Ellen Page) in the new movie Hard Candy is Treena Lahey from Trailer Park Boys? Remember in Seasons one and two Mr. Lahey had a daughter living with him who wasn’t allowed to hang out with Ricky? Just me? OK. Well regardless, that’s her. I liked this movie a lot better when it was called Poison Ivy/The Crush but good for Ellen! She’s also in X3. Another Canuck on the foreward invasion force.
Careening Off The Bleeding Edge.
Do y’all get curious on those rare occasions where I talk about or let you in for a glimpse of what I do for a living? It’s rare, and for good reason – I have other blogs where I talk about SEO, and far too few hours in the day to prattle on about it incessantly. This is where I come to make the hooker jokes. Anyhew, in the next few days you’ll see me linking out to lots of strange things, and I just want you to know there’s a method to the madness.
More and more of my friends and neighbors are taking their businesses online, or going to work for companies with significant web presences. I’m going to save everyone a lot of money – because nobody wants to pay for this shit anyway. Here’s how you improve your Google rankings: Get sites to link to yours using your target market’s top search keywords. If I hypothetically had a client who sold Red Sox Tickets, for example – I would want to facilitate as many links as I could to their site which also read Red Sox Tickets. Your ultimate success depends on your budget (people won’t link to you for free, and reciprocal links cancel eachother out since the last big algorithm update) your patience and the competition. It’s bleeding edge stuff. Guerilla marketing. And surprisingly, not all that fun in the long run. You have little control over the results ultimately, and we all know how clients like those pesky “results”.
So forgive me over the next week or so if I drift into conversations about office coffee. Look the other way if I begin sweating whilst extrapolating about precision gauges or Amnisure. I’m not pregnant or studying to be an airplane mechanic. I’m just working here.
Monday’s Quotelet: What’s That Shit Called Again?
The bird flu task force on the lookout for bird flu in Bucharest were startled when an APB came through for a “crazy guy with bird flu”. It was quickly determined to be a false alarm, as the dispatcher had apparently fallen victim to bird flu.
Brunelli’s Standup Video.
Mark’s brother Dave videotaped the show I wrote about Thursday night, and they’ve posted it on YouTube. Just press play!
Friday’s Quizzlet: The Itsy Bitsy Quizzy.
Shh, quizzlet. Daddy’s busy.
Appetizer: What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
I had the band repaired on an old Roots watch about 15 minutes ago. I found it while cleaning my room this week and dropped it off today while having lunch at the Sidebar. I found some of the damndest other things, too – photos I’d forgotten about, my dayplanner from University, home movies, etc.
Soup: If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
I’d invest the first thousand in a mutual fund, and give the other thousand to the Animal Rescue League of Boston.
Salad: What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
I’ve already beaten this one to death, Falco.
Main Course: You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Kitties and puppies. Alternately, if it were a shit pet store that only sells fish and crickets, crickets.
Dessert: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I’m a solid 7. I walk about 25 miles a week, and go to the gym in my office building, too.
Please, Brunelli – Don’t Hurt ‘Em!
If I had the nads to take a stab at stand-up myself, I certainly wouldn’t want to do it in a packed house of hilljacks in Haverhill my first time out of the gate. I saw more victims of the S & L crisis last night than you’d probably find at a demolition derby. In spite of the pressure, the hostility and the overabundance of men who resembled the 50-year-old cousins of Dalton, I am beyond happy to report that Brunelli fucking KILLED.
When we got to Garibaldi’s – a musty-smelling, long and narrow social club with one ill-equipped bartender, the place was empty and I could tell Mark was just as nervous as all hell. About 5 of us had packed into V’s car and made the hour-long trek after work, so we quickly ponied up to the bar for some relaxers. As we chatted amongst ourselves, Mark helped set up the stage with the rest of his classmates and the place slowly started to fill up with more extras from Roadhouse. And I mean fill the frig up. By the time the first comedian hit the stage, it was standing room only. I even think I briefly saw Jeff Healey carrying Bud Lite up from the basement – although he started loading the bottles into the back of an amplifier.
Mark was the second student, and fourth comedian to go on. Throughout the first three acts, even the professionals, the crowd in the back by the bar would not shut up, and it was hard to hear anything. After Brukkake got up and told a couple of jokes – the place fell silent, and with the exception of a couple bits – including the poop joke I think we all tried to persuede him to drop – he had the ratty clientele of the Double Deuce in the palm of his hand. The most popular bit – I am paraphrasing:
“My girlfriend is great, and as relationships are all about compromise I try to make it a two-way street whenever I can. So when she told me recently she wished we could be more open to experiencing other cultures, I immediately drove to Chinatown and picked up two Brazilian whooores for us to have a gangbang with (many laughs). Then, she said she’d always wanted to go to Mexico. So again, I compromised, and took her to Lawrence.”
Frankly, I couldn’t believe it. Brunelli might have a future at this sort of thing. You can’t learn charisma or stage presence – you have it or you don’t. He gots it.
Humor In Haverhill. No, Really.
Brukkake, after recently taking a short course on the artform, has his stand up comedy debut tonight at a club in Haverill. As Mark and I have had many stand-up adventures together – The last episode taping of Tough Crowd, Mr. Show at the Orpheum, Brian Regan and Colin Quinn shows at the Comedy Connection – I’m going to be there in full support. I only wish I had the balls to do it myself!
I’ll be bringing my camera and taking some photos so those of you who know him can have a look at this milestone/trainwreck for yourselves. My ride awaits – I really must put some pants on and get up to Hanover Street to his girlfriend’s, although that’s usually what I do right before I leave there. YOWSERS – feel free to use that one tonight, buddy. Break a fucking leg!
Newport Timeshare Is On My Side. Yes It Is.
A recipie for trouble if I’ve ever heard one: Tiernan’s now has a lightning-fast, free wireless connection. My apartment was party-central for some reason Monday night, with both my roomates independantly entertaining for a combined atmosphere that resembled the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse that time it was invaded by monkeys. Needless to say, even locked away in my room like a sober veal – I got very little done. I had a deadline yesterday, and I needed a quiet place to work after-hours and so I decided to see if I really could get shit done at my favorite pub – because I was never able to when I tried at the Hind’s Head upon the procurement of my very first laptop in 1998.
Some boneless Buffalo wings and a couple Diet Cokes later, I was well on my way to getting my work finished. By midnight I was all done and having a Smithwick’s with the North End restaurant crew that goes there every night. So, all in all, a nice little productive evening. I think Tiernan’s may become a library of sorts for me. Especially during the week when it’s quiet. Anyway, the real point here is that I got an important phone call while I was sitting there, typing away.
It was Jim on the line, and he sorta sheepishly asked me if I’d be interested in getting a timeshare in Newport this summer. Perhaps he was under the impression that I enjoyed sweating profusely in dense urban settings and didn’t want to impose. Normally when we all go down there, we’re treated like royalty at Heather and Chris’ awesome house. But they have a little sailor on the way, and things done changed this year. I didn’t even think about my answer. I’m in, and I’ll be spending as little time in Boston as possible over the next 4 months. Perhaps that will cure my geographic antsiness for awhile. But definitely not the aggressive alcohol dependency.
Wednesday Weigh-In #5: Porking Along Nicely.
We’ve been at this for awhile now, eh? Get your updated weights in pronto, porkies. When your name is bolded, you’re officially corpulent and current. The sun is out in Boston today, and the beach is beginning to beckon. So stay on target and don’t lose the porky plot here, people.
– Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week – 265 / Target 255 / Gained 3
– Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week – 138 / Target 129 / Lost 0
– Pyeman >> Current: 224 / Last Week – 226 / Target 210 / Lost 2
– DVS >> Current 246 / Last Week – 246 / Target 210 / Lost 0
– Aubz >> Current: 133 / Last Week – 134 /Target 125 / Lost 1
– BDoyle >> Current: 188 – / Last Week – 188 / Target 175 / Lost 0
– Piglet >>> Current: 145 / Last Week – 145 / Target 135 / Lost 0
– Not Lance >>> Current: 168 / Last Week – 171 / Target 161 / Lost 3
– Greg >> Current: 183 / Last Week – 187 / Target 170 / Lost 4
– Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week – 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
– Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week – 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0
Greg is doing really well, as Ray Borque is working him to death. Doyle has hit an impasse, and Monster may be a lost cause. Stay tuned throughout the day as more results seep in like Crisco in the sun. Yes, it’s officially closing in on Summer when I see the Lemonade Lady for the first time. She’s like Puxatawney Phil, only with a bucket of lukewarm Crystal Light.
A Ray Of Light.
And what to my wondrous eyes just appeared? But a beam of sunshine through my office window, dear. If I had my camera here, I’d snap it for you – as it’s quite glorious. The first sun Boston has had in 8 days. I can’t remember a rainy stretch like this, and I’m glad to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m not actually a schizophrenic whaler from Blackpool.
The sun has a downside, however, and that is that our beloved homeless population will be back out in full force come dryness. But I have procured a new anti-homeless device I’d like to readily endorse and encourage you all to use to your benefit in this beleagured city. It doesn’t actually harm them, and it’s great for the bleeding hearts because afterwards you’d even be able to release them back into the wild if they weren’t there already.
It’s called an iPod, and it’s effectiveness is staggering. Whenever a ‘lost soul’ lurches into my path and demands money, I simply point innocently at my headphones and say – “Sorry Sir, but I’m listening to Strangeways Here We Come at this point in time and can’t really engage you at the moment. Did you want to discuss French drama? Perhaps invite me to a spring fête? You know, you look like a bit of a trainspotter. It’s a real tragedy I’ll never know the reason for your advance because I simply can’t hear you at this juncture.”
Oh, and tazer guns are really good too.
Monday’s Quotelet: Peeping Tom And Jerry.
Once the industrious Mr. Whiskers found another way into Mommy and Daddy’s room on Saturday nights – what he saw would scar him for his remaining 8 lives.
Birfdays Was The Worst Days.
I’ve finally managed to convince my sister to upload the whack of photos she’s collected from Beatrice’s, Damaris’ and her very own birthday parties. They’re your standard fare, however those of us currently involved in the pork ass challenge look stunning, the ass flash on the stairs is a very nice touch, and it’s worth the price of admission just to see the many ways in which my father managed to make people feel uncomfortable. Comments are welcome, but simply looking away is definitely encouraged.
Here’s a question for you all – consider it a survey. It serves 2 purposes: 1.) to help get a site I am involved with indexed properly by search engines for a very competitive term. 2.) I am genuinely curious as I have many friends coming to town this summer. So, what is the best way for a fairweather, peripheral fan to procure Red Sox tickets in Boston? Short of whooooring?
I Still Have A Pony Barrel’s Worth Of Faith In Broken Lizard.
Super Troopers is a masterpiece. If you refute this fact, you probably also think SlapShot is slightly less funny than the trailer for Meatballs 3. So despite Puddle Cruiser and Club Dread, which are collectively about as humorous as a slap in your grandmother’s wrinkly mouth, I am excited and most optimistic about Broken Lizard’s upcoming Beerfest.
Some photos were released onto the internet today, and it would appear we’re looking at some sort of a Strange Brew/Dodgeball hybrid. The official description from IMDB: Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon secret, centuries-old competition described as a “Fight Club” with beer games. In addition to Will Forte, who you can see in the above photo, the Lizards star alongside Cloris Leachman and Jürgen Prochnow in the movie. The Frat Pack’s recent and glorious ressurection of the R-Rated comedy has paved the way for a silly flick like this, pornstar hollywood legitimacy, Home Depot jokes and I’ll be there with at least a half pint.
Liquor and Whores: The Video.
“Once I get some liquor into me, I get up and I sing this one.”
I have been looking for an excuse to try and embed a movie in one of the blog entries. And obviously – I’ve found a doozy. Enjoy the liquor and the whores, too.
Help Me. Help Me, Help You, Help Me.
I recently ordered a load of ‘finance for the handicapped’ books from Amazon as I am in an attempt to shake off Tink’s pixie dust and move out of Neverland. I also got one from my doctor about bettering one’s own health and downloaded the 7 Habits of Highly Effective people which I’ve listened to in its entirety now and also re-read The Wealthy Barber. I was speaking with a friend yesterday who was quick to point out I’m going nuts with the self help books. Like it was a bad thing.
How do y’all feel about this sort of thing? I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to educate/better one’s self, and it’s not like I’m talking to the HR people at Heaven’s Gate or anything. I couldn’t balance a piggybank at the moment, and the only thing I’ve ever aggressively invested in is liquor, which granted has a pretty quick return turnaround time if we’re talking about Southern Comfort.
My desktop Media PC TV breaking down has ultimately been a blessing in surprise, although I am paying a couple of college students to come over tomorrow morning to try to fix it. God bless CraigsList. Anyhew, I’ve had loads more time to read now that I can’t Tivo Sanford and Son reruns, and I’m going to keep the trend going. I’m interested primarily in business management, finance and personal sanity. What read should be next on my list?