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Because You’re Mine, Ewok The Line.


in Movies

Revenge of the Sith opens today, and I felt a quick little furry nod was in order. The last time I thought the last-ever-Star-Wars-movie was opening, it was 1983 and my family was waiting to see Return of the Jedi in Ottawa, Ontario. My father bought a cute little Wicket the Ewok button for Janet, which some enterprising guy was selling to the people standing in line. He was selling buttons – not Janet. Just wanted to make that as clear as a Dagobah pond.

Now, 22 years later, I’m spending this holiest of days sweating through work like Jabba on a treadmill. Yet I’ll still find the time to make several bad Star Wars jokes, eh? View the entire Ewok PhotoShop contest here.

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All Jammed Up.


in

It’s an exciting and somewhat scary time at my place of work. We’re beyond busy – with a pipeline that’s fixin’ to burst. Needless to say, I’ve had little time this week to write entries at night. I usually scribble or come up with an idea in the evening, and then post it or quickly write it up the next day. I try to blog about blogging as little as possible – so I hope you’ll bear with me today as I continue to try and keep my head above water here in “the mines”.

Then I have to cut my work day short and run home to clean my apartment because my building is being appraised tomorrow. So I can likely add “apartment hunting” to the stress docket within the next few months. But I’ll cross that security deposit when I come to it. Still – inspiration may yet strike me today, and I could waste 15 minutes writing about fruitflies, midgets, Christopher Walken or a bicycle I had when I was five. Stay tuned.

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The Smirnoff Ice Is On The Other Foot.


in Heartwarming

Saturday night Art and I were walking down Salem Street when I was approached by a young lad of 14 I recognized as one of my little neighbor’s best buddies. “Excuse me sir, can I ask you a question?” Considering our proximity to Martignetti’s, I knew exactly what that question was going to be. “I don’t like the sounds of this, kid” I replied.

I looked down at the slick little bastard in the Jay-Z T-shirt and felt like I was looking at myself, 16 years ago. But it would have been a Public Enemy shirt. Then he popped the question – “Can you get me a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice, please?” I looked down at him and broke into a smile.

I don’t know what struck me as more humorous – the fact he’d ordered such a girly beverage, or the fact that I actually considered buying it for him, if only for a second. If it somehow got back to her that I’d bought booze for one of her son’s friends there’d be a brick through my window faster than you can say, brick. “Listen, I know one of your buddy’s mothers – so I really can’t help you out.” I didn’t stich my little neighbor up and actually use his name, but apparently Jay-Z took my word for it. He said that was “cool” and then retreated to a side street like greased lightning.

Had you told me I’d shut a kid down in that sort of situation today – back when I was 14 – I’d have told you you were crazy. That I’d never be such a buzz-ripping stiff. Then again, I would have also told you that “Rebel Without A Pause” was the greatest song ever recorded.

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Buy Laptop Screen Sun Shades Online.


in

Those of you who read Pye In The Face don’t need to be told about my search engine optimization fetish. So occasionally I mention a website here simply to have it indexed by the major search engines – because their spiders love me and visit often. So bear with me, kids. Plus, I’m writing to you from the roofdeck and I may be suffering hypothermia-induced dementia right now. You never really know with my frequent roofdeckery.

If you’ve ever been outside on your laptop, say on a roofdeck for instance, you may have had trouble seeing your lcd screen because of the sun glare. Well your worries are over! If you like to work on your notebook computer outside and are looking for a laptop screen sun shade, please visit the all new LaptopScreenShades.com!

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Kingdom Of Buttocks.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Whose intelligence do you find intimidating?
Definitely the artificial I, Robot/Terminator variety. I’m not easily intimidated by other, lesser humans. So luckily I’ll be long dead before the robots come. But heed my warning future generations – they will come.

Soup: Name something you’ve done that surprised yourself.
I had a mediocre party last weekend. That’s definitely never happened before. I thought I was immune to the bad party – I’ve been throwing killer benders since I was 16. It wasn’t an awful soiree. Everyone there had a good time. But it was certainly sub-par by my standards and it’s been bothering me. Sure, the weather really kicked it in the schnutz, but I thought my magical par-tay powers would somehow transcend Mother Nature. Mother Nature to David: “Grow the fuck up”.

Salad: List 3 people whom you have only “met” online, but consider good friends.
Three? People can actually have up to three online friends that they’ve never met? Here’s where my much bemoaned nerdery gets a hall pass. I have been blessed with many friends – but I’ve been in the same room with all of them. Thank God it’s not as bad as I’d originally thought. Although I did get awfully excited last night when I went to see Kingdom of Heaven with Art & Monster, and we stumbled across the Boston premiere of Return of the Sith. But with Lenny Clarke and Darth Vader in the same lobby – can you really blame me?

Main Course: Where is the dirtiest place you’ve ever been?
What is dirty? Is dirty a public restroom in downtown Newark? Is dirty a tasty martini with olive brine added instead of vermouth? Is dirty having to replace your red rubber ball gag due to excessive teeth mark induced disintegration? I don’t rightly know. One can only keep striving for the truth.

Dessert: What is the best example of “perfection” that you can think of?
I had to preempt the laugh of a child, Surfer Rosa and Saganaki for Vida Guerra’s hindquarters. Aristotle once said, “Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work”. Well WORK… Work it girl! OK – I’ve quoted a RuPaul song. That’s akin to saying “Candyman” three times in front of a mirror – but instead of getting murdered by a black ghost, you just go gay. Uncannily, the antidote just happens to be Vida’s tush. That was a close one.

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Maybe He Really Does Think He’s Rick James.


in

And we were laughing our asses off the whole time…

“Comedian Dave Chappelle has checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa and has remained there since late April, according to a source close to the situation. The same source denies rumors of drug abuse. Other sources have also told EW that the future of Chappelle’s Show — the hit Comedy Central series that was entering its third season — is more uncertain than the network has suggested.”

Get well, Dave. Here’s hoping Wayne Brady has to choke a bitch again, real soon.

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Happy Slapping Amongst Cheeky Monkeys.


in

There’s a new craze amongst teenagers in England which is apparently influenced by American Shows like Jackass, Viva La Bam, etc. “Happy Slapping” has become all the rage amongst British yutes, and it’s a lot more sinister than it sounds. Here’s what a male 16 year old “slapper” (I have to make the sex distinction to avoid confusion with another popular definition of that word) had to say in defense of his new found hobby:

“Even though it might be quite painful (for the victim) and you obviously feel quite sorry for them because they’re injured or hurt or whatever and they’ve done nothing to deserve it, it’s still funny because it’s like seeing the sketch on TV.” Wicked funny, Niles.

What these little bastards do is akin to what we call swarming here in North America. A group of kids run up on, surround and then slap the shit out of unsuspecting bystanders – while one or two others record the assault on their camera phones. If that weren’t bad enough, some of the lower-level bottomfeeding British cable channels then compile these beatings into hour-long television shows. A concerned English blogger compiled some particularly violent excerpts. “I dug up quite a bit and hacked them together into a streaming media file. It’s not for the squeemish, these kids are clearly criminals“.

Jackass was all about a group of lifelong friends playing pranks on or subsequently beating the everloving Christ out of eachother – not ‘jumping in‘ random strangers on the street. It was their cameraderie which made the show so much fun to watch. Happy Slapping is frigging twisted – violent attacks can scar people for years – I know. I sincerely hope that the Old Bill puts the kaibosh on this ridiculous practice like yesterday. Please mark this moment on your calendars as the first time I officially rolled my eyes and muttered: “Kids today”.

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Enough With The Phones.


in

I have a huge block of conference calls today, and although they’re an intregal part of my job – I never look forward to them. But I suppose coroners don’t exactly look forward to the next tractor trailer vivisection that’s flopped down on their slab, either. It’s the job – suck it up or hit the breadline while you find your true calling.

My aversion isn’t human interaction – or my occupation itself – but rather the telephone. I’m not a phoner. I don’t call people to idly chat. I don’t like it when people who aren’t related to me call me for no good reason. If I’m not dating you, I shouldn’t have to pretend to be interested in sustaining a polite phonecall. Jesus this makes me sound like a prick – but there has to be a few of you out there who share this aversion.

And the sprawling, three-minute voicemails about nothing drive me insane. I sometimes go several days without checking because I dread them so much. “Hey, haven’t talked to you in about 47 minutes. Wanted to see what you were up to. Listen, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance, so we can continue to burn cell minutes talking about things I wouldn’t cross the street to say to you.” Or the gem I actually had to exit a restaurant and walk 2 blocks to get a signal in order to hear: “Hey, remember when I called earlier and said I’d meet you at that restaurant at 6? Well I’ll still be there at 6.”

I once thought it was unique to women, but have had to change my stance. I have male friends who are on their phones every free minute of the day. “Whatcha doin?” “Nothing.” “What are you doing?” “Fuck off.” It’s tough love – you’re not a 12 year old chick eager to talk about whatever episode of the OC just ended. Get off the phone unless a mutual friend has died. Preferably someone to which I owed money.

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Monday’s Quotelet: Anchors Aweigh!


in

Thanks to everyone who came to the Cinco De Cinco party on Saturday night. Apparently, there were actually several of you whom I did not get around to making out with, but I promise you’ll be on the top of the list for next time. I feel so dirty. Not really. Anyhew (selected) photos will be forthcoming, and let’s just wash ourselves with de-lousing powder and move on to the quotelet, shall we?


“My boobs get all biggish, when I eats me spinach. I’m Kelly the sailor whoore.”
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Friday’s Quizzlet: Unicycle of Violence.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Name a restaurant you no longer visit because of a bad experience.
I really don’t have one. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to tick me off to that extent. I like food, food likes me. As long as no one gets in-between, things should go quite smoothly/non-violent. I worked in the service industry for many years and I think that usually heightens your patience. And drinking problem.

Soup: If you could own any building in existence, which one would you want?
I would like to do just that. Own any building in existence. I currently own none, so I’m not picky. A double-wide trailer, an adobe hut, a haunted bungalow where a triple murder was committed – anything is an improvement over zip, nada and zilch.

Salad: What’s your favorite commercial these days?
Thanks to Tivo, I don’t have to watch commercials anymore. Again, I have no good answer for you, quizzlet. If you haven’t already, make sure you check out this one, though.

Main Course: When did you last feel guilty about spending money?
I was recently paid $1,000 in a lump sum and had to spend all of it on bills to avoid a credit blemish. That hurt. A fresh gino in the bank account and it goes right out the door for charges you’ve already accrued. Bummer. And I had a unicycle on the brain, too.

Dessert: What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie and why?
Definitely Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you have to ask why, you’re either a moron or a Nazi.

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Happy Birthday Janet!


in Heartwarming

It’s my little sister’s birthday today! I love her very much – even when she pulls shit like this. So please wish her a bad-ass birthday in the comments and join us tonight at Silvertone if you’re so inclined. Back to the scene of the storm.

May 6th has been a tragic date throughout human history – so it’s probably no accident that Janet chose to emerge 29 years ago today. Let’s look at the facts:

– On May 6, 1937 the hydrogen-filled German dirigible “Hindenburg” burned and crashed in Lakehurst, N.J., killing 35 of the 97 people on board.
– In 1942 some 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on Corregidor surrendered to the Japanese.
– In 1996, the body of former CIA director William E. Colby was found washed up on a riverbank in southern Maryland, eight days after he’d disappeared.
– George Clooney and Tony Blair were also born today.

So we can all take some solace in the fact that she was inevitable. Have a great one, sis, and I hope we get to do this for another 30 years.

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Monkey Brains, Cow Pee – Now We Can Eat!


in Consumables

Monday night I was watching Dennis Miller Live and he told a joke that just set me to giggling. The punchline went something like: “That guy has more intestinal fortitude than a Calcutta restaurant critic”. I guess you had to be there. But if you have a quick look at this article, I’m sure you’ll agree – source material for that sort of humor is as prevalent now as it was back in 1984 when we first watched Indiana Jones and Willie Scott eat chilled monkey brains.

People all over India are now turning to cow urine to cure what ails ’em. The practice is generally frowned upon within families so many folks just grab a bottle from the local cow shelter (goshala), take it to the park and chug it like it was a 40 of O.E. On the D.L.

Cow urine filled my mind, and I came up with a funky rhyme, UGH! Mama never said stop drinking bovine piss, but she would have. I know she would have.

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A Paragraph For Pixies Punters.


in Musical

BU’s Agannis Arena is apparently becoming the new large-to-really-large-but-not-quite-Banknorth-Garden-large venue for the city of Boston. Sting and Alicia Keys are playing there this week, for example. Too big for the Orpheum, too inconsequencial for the Fleet Center. And both shows I’d rather endure a Cheez Whiz enema than have to attend. But on June 15th, said arena will be a truly magical and Valhalla-esque locale at which I’ll rambunctiously rejoice. And no, the Antiques Roadshow is not coming to town.

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Shoot Me An E-Mail. Then, In The Forehead.


in

Someone just told me to “shoot them an email” and I came to a violent realization – I have a new pet peeve. I saw his mouth form the aforementioned words, but “Shoot me in the head with a rusty whaling-era speargun” is what I heard in my mind’s eye. I’ve been meaning to start working towards actively changing some of our company’s vernacular, and this is as good a time as any. Also on my hitlist:

  • Brainfarts
  • Whatnot
  • Push (interchangable with ‘shoot’ in most cases)
  • Comprehensive
  • ‘Here’ and ‘there’ used at the end of every phrase: “I wanted to reach you on the phone there and get you in touch with our tech guy here. Did you have anything else you wanted to ask me about there? Or can we run with the ball here?”

I’ll leave it there for now. I need to comprehensively get some work done.

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