Heartwarming

When Pyes have birthdays, the weather usually tries to end the family line. I don’t know if one of my Norse ancestors insulted Zeus or frigging Beowulf or found the Monkey’s Paw or whatever. But it never fails. My Cinco de Mayo/JP’s b-day parties have been marred by torrential downpours 4 of the last times, and my 30th saw the biggest snowstorm that had hit Boston in 20 years. But, barring locusts, we’re on for Saturday night for Japes’ 30th at the Red Fez.

I have been planning parties for a long time, and attending them for even longer, so I thought I’d compile a list of things I’ve learned over the years. And perhaps a few pet peeves. If you’re coming, this info may prove useful and avoid potential party fouls.

1. Please refrain from ever using the term “party foul”.
2. Don’t ask me what time you should be there. There’s been an Evite, discussion on the blog, and you’re also probably over the age of 6. Parties on Saturday nights start between 8 & 9, unless they’re being held at a preschool or in the activity room of an institution not permitted to provide forks.
3. If you don’t know how to get there, please look on the Evite, Google it or look at the restaurant’s website that I’ve linked to several times now before you set out. I am not good at driving directions, especially in the South End, and the only way in which I’d be able to help you is to pass my phone to someone else or light a fucking car on fire in front of the joint.
4. If you know Janet, and she doesn’t want to hit you for any reason, you’re invited. If you didn’t get the Evite it’s an oversight and do not take it personally. My friends included.
5. Have an exit strategy. Unless you’re somehow related, or part of my inner, inner circle, I don’t have after hour parties anymore. It sucks, but it’s not worth the neighborhood grief I get.
6. If you’re on the Evite, reply to it. It makes her feel good.

That’s about it for now. I hope to see y’all there, and please remember – Don’t feed Gordo any liquor.

I wanted to have a surprise party for Janet, but she found out about it. So then I tried to have some surprise guests attend – and she found out about that too. Actually my father, who knew he was half of the surprise guest package, told her himself. He may be in some sort of a facility come this time next year, so make sure you take this opportunity to come say goodbye to him. The only surprise left at this stage, is that I won’t be wearing any pants. But at least that’s something. Damn it, it happened again.

I’m not really allowed to use her full name on my blog anymore, because work colleagues and potential MySpace boyfriends keep finding this site. Obviously, they’re all either instantly a) Afraid they are working with someone who has far superior intellectual genes – or b) In danger of receiving a terrible, premeditated, bloody thrashing from the older sibling of their affections. Either way, it obviously makes perfect sense.

Please bring yourselves, your signifigant others, your pants etc. to the Fez on Saturday May 6th to help Janet celebrate her 30th birthday in boozy style. There will be food, music, Gord/Bonnie and abundant parking. Yes, I said Gord and Bonnie. And look, I hate it when invites say ‘no gifts necessary’ so I’m fully encouraging them. It’s her 30th for flip’s sake. Bring a present, you thrifty bastards. Check the Fez’s site if you need some geo-targeting and call me, Damaris, Beatrice or Aaron with any questions.

If you don’t know me, Janet, Damaris, Beatrice or Aaron – don’t come. That would just be fucking creepy. If you’re a friend and you’d like to attend, please email me and I will add you to the Evite formally.

I wanted to get out of the city this past weekend, and get out of it I did – straight into the wilds of Vermont. My sister’s friend Joe has a great house right at the top of a mountain, and Janet has somehow gotten herself an open invitation. I had an entire floor all to myself, and slept like the dead – when I wasn’t hot-tubbing, dancing to reggae or drinking mimosas while watching Police Academy.

Other highlights included a late night Wu-Tang dance party, pool and pissheads at the Hideaway, a Burton 60% off shopping spree and a re-up to last week’s sickness which has now seen my excrutiating earache jump over to the opposite side. Whatever VT wildlife was festering in that hottub is now alive and well in my cranium. But the vast majority of the weekend was a gasser, and I’m sure these things will die when they run out of food.

Here’s the associated gallery – it’s your standard, pose-in-a-bar-with-a-camera, fare. But there are some good shots of the scenery thrown in here and there. And no, I’m not talking about Yanna. I hope I get invited back, as it’s really an amazing location and I don’t think Joe will miss all of the Sex Wax I stole. Look, it was an honest mistake. And believe me – I’m paying for it right now. Maybe I should try nail polish remover next.

Maxim has just released a “Greatest Drinkers of all time list, and I thoroughly endorse their choices. “E.T. is No. 9 on the list, while Bluto (John Belushi) from “Animal House” is one spot ahead of him.” Blutowski is an obvious choice, but how many of us would have considered the scene from E.T. where he sneaks downstairs and drinks the shit out of a case of beer, causing poor Elliot to experience the same buzz while he’s at school? He kisses the young girl, lets the frogs loose, gets an OUI on his Big Wheel, beats a homeless person to death, etc.

But it gets better, deeper, liquorder: “Other top movie drinkers include The Waco Kid (Gene Wilder) from “Blazing Saddles, who comes in just ahead of the McKenzie Brothers (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas) in “Strange Brew,” and just behind Coach Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) of “The Bad News Bears.” Kudos for remembering the Waco kid and the McKenzie’s. The list just became bloggable.

But where the heck is Arthur, I asked myself. At #2, of course. And the #1 movie booze bag of all time? Frank the Tank. I think Arthur should have won the top spot, hands down. But still a well complied and humorous little collection of souses.

There’s that famous story about the little Russian boy who gets all kinds of overzealous with the wolf sighting claims. I feel a bit like like that panicky, potato-eating pest right about now – because I’m about to do it again. Yes, folks, I’m announcing some immediate and most unfortunate lifestyle changes.

It snowballed. It was just too much packed into one weekend. Thursday I went out for beers after paintball. Friday I went to a birthday party. Saturday I was invited to a co-worker’s day BBQ at his new house in the burbs, and then last minute was invited to Central Square for someone else’s going away party that evening. Sunday morning someone poured me in the direction of North Station for an early Bruins game before sufficiently Superbowl Sundaying the shit out of myself until about 10pm. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat that looked like a python vivisection, and called in sick. Not good.

If you take my list of weekend activities and look at them each separately, it could all come across as good clean fun. I held a baby. I rooted for the home team. I played with a dog. I went undefeated in a sporting event. I cooked burgers, ribs and steak for 10 people. I saw some folks I hadn’t seen in nearly a decade. But you have to understand, with the exception of the first 5 minutes of my being in the same room with the baby, all of these events were soaked with enough booze to make Courtney Love stop and suddenly scream “Now just hold the fuck on for a minute here people“.

I have had a great life, and my friends are the most important things in my silly existence. Many would kill to run in the circles I’ve developed over the years. But I can’t keep up anymore. I’m going to be that creepy guy who comes to the party and doesn’t drink, making everybody else extremely uncomfortable. I may also be employed – which is really where this whole diatribe stems from.

I was a huge Chris Penn fan. He could play tough, straight or funny with the greatest of ease, and his talent and charisma were indisputable. This is absolutely awful, and I will likely Penn a more fitting tribute throughout the course of the day. That couldn’t have been less funny, but I ain’t exactly laughing right now. No Wadio, moment of silence. Obit. Nifty graphic in his memory:

From IMDB:

• Brother of Sean Penn
• Son of director Leo Penn and actress Eileen Ryan.
• Brother of musician Michael Penn.
• Appeared with his brother Sean Penn in At Close Range (1986), in which their actress mother, Eileen Ryan, played their grandmother!
• Brother-in-law of Robin Wright Penn
• Brother-in-law of Aimee Mann
• Is in three different movies with close-range shootout scenes at the end (Reservoir Dogs (1992), True Romance (1993), and _Corky Romano (2001)_).
• Originally had role in American Pie 2 (2001) as Stiffler’s dad but the scenes were cut since they were not deemed to fit in with the original movie.
• Started acting at age 12 at the Loft Studio in Los Angeles and training under acting guru Peggy Feury.
• Has a black belt in karate.

Way back in the days of Footloose and At Close Range I was sold, and his recent downward spiral made me very sad. Someone told me recently that they had seen Penn passed out in a hotel hallway while they were visiting Chicago, and the dread outweighed the jealousy – even though I’m sure I would have posed for a picture with the sprawling mess and then put it on this stupid website. You’ll be missed, Chris. I’ll call you a hearse, and this is for Cody.

My plans were just canceled for me – long story – and I’m pulling the ripcord as I do every year and just going to Sidebar. If you’re wandering, lost and alone, without any plans – please join us. I will be attending a little suaree at 80s Katie’s beforehand, but will ultimately end up singing Danny Boy somewhere in the Combat Zone and possibly even getting contact burns around my mouth.

The details as I understand them are a $60 fee to get in with champagne and food supplied. There’s a DJ I think, and 2 separate groups holding ‘parties’ – neither of which can manage to fill the place. Sometimes stumbling into a big room full of people you don’t know and making some new friends is a lot fun. Sometimes, it leads to social diseases. Regardless – I’m going. I’m pulling the cord and just committing. I will definitely enjoy not seeing you there as you do something far more interesting.

Live from Concord – just got back from the football game where the Pats were receiving a sound thrashing from Bedford. I hope it worked out as we had to leave early. I saw absolutely no one I knew, save for Gilbert Simmons, and felt about 400 years old. Still, it’s great to be out here as always. Deep-fried turkey, old friends and beer. Have a great holiday everyone.

Much needed and much better additions have been made to the Big Haunt 2 gallery. About 40 of them to be exact. You can actually see what some of the costumes looked like in the early evening before they were abandoned and beer-soaked. So be sure to click through and have a gander. Janet’s also added a gallery of pictures in her own section from a Halloween party she attended Monday night. Because she needed to go to another Halloween party. All I have to say is – “…and she wonders why her cat is fat“.

While I’m in the process of self-promotion, we’ve been doing a lot of work over at GoonBlog (hockey goon, enforcer and fight site) and DogGoneKnit (free dog sweater knitting patterns and a related community). If you haven’t visited in a while, please stop by and re-aquaint yourselves. And if you’re not into hockey pugilism or dog sweaters, I sincerely applaud your possession of priorities.

Janet and I got out to Concord Friday night with stereos, decorations, costumes and about $200 worth of change I wanted to get rid of in tow. They don’t have many of those supermarket sorters in the big city, and I had 6 years worth shrapnel I wanted to move/pay for a keg or two with. I almost exchanged my Chewbacca costume for that of “Hernia-Patient.” The old red house was partially decorated when we got there, and Jim, Stacey, Amy, James and Ryan were hard at work pimping out the remainder. Chris was hard at work sitting on a barstool and making gay jokes. Several folks dropped by to pitch in over the course of the evening, and “B.H. Eve” was a good time all by its lonesome.

Saturday we all got up at the ungodly hour of 10am to start prepping for the second annual Big Haunt. The delegation began weeks ago. Jim was on food. Dave was on music. Phil and Jason were on decorations. James and Ryan would fill in the cracks where needed. Jim’s sushi went to shit. Ryan forgot to get pumpkins. Jim and I sped off to deal with the 3 kegs we’d ordered, and the rest of the crew split up accordingly.

After visiting Alexa’s awesome new store in Concord Center, we then headed to her dad’s to do a little business. While the half barrels were being wheeled out to the truck, I spoke with Mr. B. about his website and some of the ways I thought he could improve it. He reciprocated by hooking us up to an extent which still boggles my mind. And it wasn’t with hugs. Thanks Mr. B! I will return the favor.

After getting the beverages back to the house, we headed up to New Hampshire to pick up the heaters and chafing dishes we’d ordered. As we were driving back after an additional and most productive trip to Costco, a piece of one of the heaters ripped off its bolts and flew into heavy traffic on 95. After hitting a couple of vehicles, the piece of metal disappeared and Jim, James and I pulled over sheepishly to see if anyone had any choice words for us. To my extreme amazement, nobody stopped and we continued on our way. Then the snow started.

While the weather definitely hurt attendence, we dealt with it. After getting back to Concord, Eric dropped by and removed all the snow and leaves off the back lawn with a high powered blower – and I’m not talking about his girlfriend (rim shot). We decorated and wired the attic. Jim got to cooking. I set up the stereos and organized the playlists. Amy arranged the bar and Ryan tapped the kegs. The old Concord contingent works extremely well together, and I reckon it’s because we’ve been on so many of the same landscaping crews over the years. We were ready.

I could go into a lot more detail, but if you were there you know how it played out. And if you weren’t, you were probably invited but blew it off due to a couple of fruity flakes – so just make sure you show up next year and frig off for the time being. There were a lot of cameras there that night, and frankly my pictures aren’t all that exceptional. So email me your best and I’ll add them here. Don’t anyone take this the wrong way, but I think I had more fun planning and setting up for that party than I did in the 6 hours or so that the house was packed. But whatever works – dysfunctional fun none the less.

Yesterday’s Globe had a detailed article relaying the meeting I attended last week about late night noise in the North End. If you’re a local or have been to one of my prehistoric roofdeck parties and remember some of the drama – it’s worth a read. If you’re wondering why I have lingere ads up on the gallery page I just linked to, it’s because that stupid page gets over a thousand hits a day as a result of the thong photo at the bottom. I probably owe bum-royalties.

Remember – the next big bender is almost upon us. The Big Haunt 2 takes place out in Concord on October 29th. If you’re not on the Evite, email me and I’ll see that you’re added quicker than Nicholson can axe his way through a hotel door.

I accidentally found this site today whilst searching for interesting podcasts. Dedicated to the newly-christened Frat Pack (Owen and Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell and most recently Steve Carell) it’s a great source of news and info on these Midas-esque buddies who have successfully brought the R-Rated comedy back from the dead.

I made my own little 15 minute Photoshop for the boys as a tribute. The group has its kernels, and group has its chaffe – but collectively they’ve given me a lot of joy over the last few years. The site’s creator traces the origins of the new pack back 10 years to The Cable Guy, and here’s to many more. Ring-a-ding-ding. Then you fuck the plant.

“And I wish guns were legal, because if they were…” – North End resident recounting her most recent measured exchange with a late-night party animal.

I was asked to attend a community meeting which took place tonight in the North End of Boston. As a six-year resident of my building, and the new manger, it was fascinating to be on the other side of the fence. You see, I am a reformed pain in the neck. The problems I used to create are now my problems. The neighbors I used to dismiss are now my peers. “In the old days we’d handle this sort of shit ourselves. But now if we do anything we get arrested or sued!” I’m definitely not longing for a return to the North End’s ‘good old days’ but things gots to change. I’ll elaborate.

Standing room only (300 people), it reminded me of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting – disorganized, volatile, held in the basement of a church and smelling of coffee. Actually, I’ve never been to an AA meeting and I mean no disrespect. I’m just talking out of my liver. Still it was fun times, and I sincerely wish I had it all on tape – It was comedy, it was drama and I actually emphathized with everone. They were tired, exasperated and at their wit’s end. This has become a real epidemic and I could not believe some of the stories I heard. “Hello, my name is John and I live at 87 Richmond Street. I hate all drunk college kids and non-responsive police.” The F-word was used by senior citizens more than once. As were fists to stifle laughter (maybe just mine), but there weren’t too many them smiling.

Apparently Menino (there were members of his staff there) has nicknamed the North End “Disneyland” because he’s been getting so many party complaints. The complaints extended to condo owners, rental building landlords, foot traffic, street traffic, motorcycles and especially businesses that are open late. None of the authority figures or community leaders who attended were safe. The room complained about the cops, 911 response times, the mayor, Universities, etc. There were photographers there, one of whom looked pretty official (Globe maybe), and I am in all of the pictures, so look for me if there is an accompanying story. I’m the 6″4, UK mutt trying to remain inconspicuous in the background.

The residents in attendance ranged from Salem, Hanover, North Margin, Cooper, Sheafe – streets from all over the neighborhood. Some of the stories they told – fights, threats from young kids, flashlights shone and rocks thrown at the windows of people who complained, drunk women flashing, people claiming they didn’t have to shut down their party because they were secret service, bands on roofdecks at 2am, drugs – were hard to believe.

The people who were trying to lead the meeting ended it after about an hour and a half because it became little more than a gripe fest and forum for people to tell yet another “someone’s gonna get murdered some night” story. But progress was made, and it ended with more applause for the attending police reps than jeers. Action items from the city include foot patrols between 2-4 a.m. for the next few weeks, and cooperation from surrounding Universities. Also, the police are going to be following up on a long list of recently problematic buildings.

If police have to show up twice to the same address, all tenants will be arrested. They are really not joking around and I advise my North End readers to take this seriously. One of the officers said that they would be using the same sorts of tactics they’ve used to effectively shut down prostitution in other parts of the city. It was intense in that crowded little room.

I’ve added about 40 more photos from that wonderful Whistler weekend. Still no shots of the ceremony, so if you have some please send them my way. I’m talking to you, Heiss. There are a lot of similar shots, only more of the Concord kids than the Bauercrest this time around. Also, be sure to check out photos of JT and I bumming around Vancouver the day after the festivities, as well as PITF favorite (and current quotelet champion) Graeme with a meth-head on his lap. Albeit a hot one.

Have I mentioned how glad I am that this summer is over? I saw a leaf fall today. I shed a tear, and my wallet sighed audibly.

Kipple has been mounting in my apartment for years, and this weekend I vowed to put a big old dent in it. A very productive 24 hours included pitching tons of useless pack-ratted junk, some minor repairs, a violent cleaning and a bunch of updates and changes to DogGoneKnit.com. I also did a little something with a couple of domains I registered a while back that I’ve been meaning to set into motion. In the interest of getting them spidered I’ll mention them now: Boston Sports Blogs is going to be an RSS feed emporium dealing with – you guessed it – local teams. iPodOCD will be a straight-up blog documenting my latest obsession. iPod is one of the most searched for words online today and will remain so for at least a few years. So I’ll link to hacks, news, etc. Maybe build a forum – maybe never touch it again. I don’t know. But the name makes me laugh, and I think it could be fun. Stay tuned.