Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: What are you proud of?
I am proud of my mother who beat a very serious illness last year. I hesitate to talk about it for fear I will somehow jinx her health, but it’s the truth. She quietly and bravely dealt with the painful treatment for months, and it’s all just a bad memory at this point. That situation was a big factor in my deciding to move back, and it remains inspirational.

Soup: What is the best thing you’ve ever won as a prize?
I’m sure you all remember the rap group 3rd Bass with great fanatical fondness. Their first album, which featured Gas Face, was called The Cactus Album. The Newbury Comics in Framingham had a contest – come to the store and enter your name to win a real cactus. A few weeks later, I got a call from some record company stoolie telling me I’d won. We drove back to the store and picked up the 4 foot tall cactus which was worth about $100. I had it for about 4 years until it died. At the time, I was quite psyched.

Salad: Name something you do that is a waste of time.
Anything that doesn’t make money is technically a waste of time. Jeepers, take your pick. Watch TV and movies, sleep, eat, go outside. It really depends on your definition. For example, if you are a birthday party clown for hire, making balloon animals is definitely not a waste of time. Otherwise, you’re going to make me a little uncomfortable.

Main Course: In what year of your life did you change the most?
I predict it will be this year, post move. Nothing has changed much in the last seven, which is part of the problem. Check in with me mid-May, quizzlet. And then there was the sex change.

Dessert: Where is a place you consider to be very tranquil?
The end of my parent’s dock in Portland, Ontario. I expect I will spend a lot of time there over the next several months. I plan on getting my boat license and possibly buying a jetski. I am getting aroused just thinking about it all. Maybe I’ll just rent a truck this afternoon.

Appetizer: Where on your body do you have a scar, and what caused it?
This could take a while. There is the obligatory male chin scar which was the result of me passing out in a bathroom and jamming my jaw on the floor. I wish there was a better story behind that – I got out of the tub too fast when I was 13 and all the blood rushed to my feet. I fainted like an old woman who’d just been flashed by John Holmes. My dad bashing in the door was pretty cool though. There are many others which I’ll save, since the quizzlet tends to repeat itself.

Soup: What is something that has happened to you that you’d consider a miracle?
Life has been good so far, but I can’t say I’ve experienced a bona fide miracle yet. I turned $20 into a 1.5 litre bottle of wine once.

Salad: Name a television personality who really gets on your nerves.
Al Franken. I really hate it when celebs befoul everything they have ever done, work-wise, to get political. At least in my mind. You’re not helping, nobody cares, and I’d prefer to remember you as an effeminate 12-step junkie. Likewise, anyone who appeared in Rocky Horror shouldn’t be attempting to spearhead an anti war movement. It’s just boils down to a credibility issue. Dammit, Janet.

Main Course: Name a funny word you said as a child (“pasketti” for “spaghetti”)?
I don’t think I had any and my mother isn’t here to ask. I’ll go with “dontouchmedere”.

Dessert: Fill in the blank: I have always thought ______ was ______.
I have always thought Abraham Lincoln was dead.

Appetizer: Have you been sick yet this winter? What did you come down with?
I spent 11 hours in the emergency room in December, but that wasn’t due to sickness. I usually get way sick once a year, so I’m due. But I guess I also get sick when I’m wailing on my axe.

Soup: What colors dominate your closet?
Green, blue and black. I asked the yellow family to leave as they refused to respect the ‘no smoking’ ordinance. You can also change this answer to “Whatever Janet buys me”.

Salad: How would you describe your personal “comfort zone”?
My apartment I suppose. I keep a baseball bat beside both doors which adds to the comfort level. If I might quote Duran Duran for a second: “City Living, heavy trouble. City living rough. We are given angry hearts, but anger’s not enough”. Wait – Can I change my answer to Spike’s?

Main Course: On which reality show would you really like to be a contestant?
Tourette De France. No really, it’s a show. This Scottish kid named Charlie goes on a trip to Paris and along the way shouts the most remarkable things. I guess it’s not really possible to be a contestant on this show, so I’ll have to change my answer to I Love New York where there is at least the same staggering degree of prevalent mental illness.

Dessert: Which holiday would you consider to be your favorite?
Definitely Thanksgiving. It’s a time for old friends, deep-friend turkey and to stand around and scratch your head at how quickly another year has passed. I suppose I’m feeling a little old today because last night my friend’s daughter asked if she could call me ‘Uncle Dave’. She’s 37.

Appetizer: How do you usually celebrate on New Year’s Eve?
It’s usually alcohol-driven and breathtakingly unremarkable. My favorite was probably watching fireworks in Sydney harbor in 1996. I think the key is doing something you don’t normally do every weekend. Getting juiced in a friend’s apartment is just an insult to Baby New Year. Base jump off the Prudential or something.

Soup: Name one thing unexpected that happened to you in 2006.
I promised I’d never tell. I will substitute “decided to move to Toronto” for the real answer.

Salad: Where was your favorite place that you visited in 2006?
I went North a lot. About 8 times at final count. A full, permanent transition to Toronto is slated for Feb/March, and I suppose the best answer I can give is “Canada”. I just got off a plane from Toronto and can’t wait to get back. JV and I spent the day driving around the city scouting neighborhoods.

Main Course: What resolution is your top priority for 2007?
Taking good care of my poor, aging body – and more importantly learning to moderate the nasty things I put into it. Except maybe for the rubber marital aids.

Dessert: Using just three words, describe 2006.
Enough is enough.

Appetizer: What is one of your Christmas traditions?
Mimosas on Christmas morning. I will not be participating in that particular tradition this year. I just got to my Grandmother’s place near Toronto after a night in the city Friday with Janet and the best buddy crew, and I did it all powered on club soda. Antibiotics for only 4 more days, but my soda kick is going to be extended indefinitely.

Soup: Who is the easiest person on your list to buy presents for?
My sister. Because she tells me in no uncertain terms what she’s getting.

Salad: What is your favorite Christmas scent?
My Aunt Rosemary’s cooking. Be it ham or turkey. The woman also makes the most amazing carmel popcorn I’ve ever tasted, and she hasn’t seemed to notice I’m 33 as I still get a big bag of it every year.

Main Course: If you could give a fellow blogger a gift, what would it be and who?
I don’t read many blogs for fun anymore. Between writing my own, and reading all the seo blogs I have to daily to keep my saw sharp, it’s an increasingly short list. I suppose I would give Duck a job she enjoyed more.

Dessert: What’s something on your Christmas wish list this year that you need (not want)?
I asked my parents for a suit bag – is that the proper term? A piece of luggage made especially for transporting your suit. I don’t need it. Similarly I didn’t ask for food, water or heat this year. But I’m tired of showing up to weddings looking like Columbo.

The place I get my Quizzlet questions from is on hiatus until the 17th, so I am without my usual fodder source on this fine Friday. So, what to do? How about I write a list of them, and you guys answer them for a change? Or completely ignore me – it’s your perogative, Bobby.

1. Did Jack Nicholson ruined The Departed?

2. Are you capable of working full time from home, or would the distractions be too much?

3. Could you kill someone if the alternative was to have them kill you?

4. Do you attend your high school reunions?

5. Will National security suffer if the Democrats continue to take power?

Some of these are silly, and some of them are weighing heavily on my mind right now for whatever reason. If we get some good responses, I will post them next week on the main page of the site. If we don’t, I’ll continue to prattle away to myself like a crazy person who smells of pee.

Appetizer: Create a new candle scent.
Since I’m officially bringing ‘frigging’ back this week – frigging. You light the candle, wait five minutes and then someone walks into the room and goes “It smells like sex in here.” It’s kind of like Kramer’s beach cologne idea – only it smells more like latex or your armpit in the morning.

Soup: Name one way you show affection to others.
This so cries out for a dirty joke, which is why I won’t make one. It’s easy – reliability. Do what you say you’re going to do, and don’t make the goddamn “I was so busy” excuse. When I drop the ball on a friend, I always feel terrible – which is why it doesn’t happen often.

Salad: What is your favorite writing instrument?
A keyboard. My hands haven’t written with pens regularly in so long that they start to cramp immediately whenever I try to take notes, sign something, etc. I guess it could also be arthritis or maybe even rigormorits. Strange things happen on Halloween afterall. Jesus Christ – you think the rough patch is over and then you find out you’re undead.

Main Course: You’re given $25 to spend online, from which site would you buy?
Amazon, baby. I can get at least 3 cheap, forgotten, fairly cool DVDs for $25. My DVD shelf has grown to massive proportions, almost to the ceiling. I think there are 6 rows now. Everytime I want to watch something, it’s like a giant game of Jenga. They teeter, you see.

Dessert: Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you going to be?
Halloween parties are traditionally on Saturday the 28th of October or thereabouts. This Saturday, I will be at a wedding in Welland, Ontario – and I’ll be dressed as a wedding guest. So yes. I’ll be dressed up, and it will be Halloween. And I’ll be guesting while dressy. And dressed.

Appetizer: What is your favorite herb or spice?
My favorite Herb is Drummond.

Soup: Name a song you like but haven’t heard in a long time.
I have been looking for the entire Here at the Home album by an old Boston band called Tribe for a while now. It is out of print, and I can’t find any of the MP3s either. A lot of the songs were re-recorded and released on an album called “Abort” a couple years later, but the HATH versions are far superior. If you happen across this, and you have the record, please put me out of my misery.

Salad: Write down everything you need to do. How many tasks are there?
Like I mentioned here recently, I need a readily accessible notebook to keep my life in some degree of order. I have pages and pages of bullets that I cross off with a highlighter when completed. If I lost my beloved notebook, it would be tantamount to Henry Jones Sr. losing the Grail Diary. Without first getting to sleep with the hot Nazi.

Main Course: Tell something interesting about one of your family members.
My first cousin, Reiner, lives in Spain with a Brazilian woman. That just sounds delightful. R-Man, does she have a sister? A brother, even. Hell, if I were in Spain technically I’d be on vacation. And what happens on vacation, stays on vacation. Especially if it’s kind of gay.

Dessert: What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed awake?
All damn night, obviously. I remember the first time I watched the sun come up. I was about 8 and we were at a party on Prince Edward Island. My parents were inside getting liquored up, and all us kids were outside on one of the famous red sand roads daring eachother to let fireworks explode in our hands. Yes, exceptional parenting on PEI.

Appetizer: Measured in minutes, how much exercise have you had this week?
Just walking around, really. When I arrived at the Buffalo Airport last Friday, I checked my voicemail and discovered I had to wait an hour to be picked up. So I left the terminal, suitcase dragging behind me, and tried to find a bar, restaurant, anything. I saw the golden arches in the distance and walked 20 minutes to get there. The highway was too busy to cross, so I remained cheeseburgerless. By the time I walked back to arrivals and read for 20 minutes – Gary was there.

Soup: If you had to change your blog title to something else, what would it be?
It wouldn’t be my real name – that’s for sure. I’ve gotten into trouble a few times and honestly have started to pull punches a bit. It’s unfortunate, but I’m not frigging Walter Winchell. I do this for fun, not for integrity, so I’d rather it didn’t get me killed at any point.

Salad: Name one television show you watched when you were 9-12 years old.
I was a huge Three’s Company fan. I could tie plotlines to landlords – “yeah, that was during the Norman Fell era, not Don Knotts. And Mona hadn’t schtupped Larry yet”. There’s worse things to be obsessed with when you’re young. Like going outside to play.

Main Course: If someone gave you $50 to spend with the one condition that it had to be educational, what would you purchase?
Yet another self help book, probably. I haven’t read any of them yet. I can just see them on the shelf when I’m in bed and they make me feel better about the fact I’m watching Three’s Company on Nickelodeon as opposed to learning about investing. Jack invested lots of money at the Regal Beagle if I remember correctly. I’m forever thankful I’m not easily distracted.

Dessert: Do you tend to prefer dark colors, neutral shades, or pastel hues?
I tend to be heterosexual. But if this answers the question at all, I likey cobalt blue.

Appetizer: If you could have a subscription to any magazine, which one?
I really like the British version of Loaded. It’s hilarious and extremely risquee. I used to buy them every month when I lived over there, and my favorite feature was called Porn-a-Likes. Readers would send in porn photos with ‘actors’ who resembled famous celebrities. Burt Reynolds was a frequent staple, as were various members of the Spice Girls. I think I once masturbated to a Scary Spice lookalike until I realized it was actually Terrence Trent D’Arby.

Soup: Describe your living room (furnishings, colors, etc.).
Filthy, yet large and extremely comfortable leather couches that used to be white. A tower of DVD shelves and the accompanying television and player. 2 PS2s and a big stack of games. Actually, this is a little silly. Click here if you’re really curious, and then immediately re-shuffle your life priorities.

Salad: What does the shape of a circle make you think of?
A flaming, stinking demon-infested vortex leading to the 12th sub-level of hell, donuts.

Main Course: Name 3 things in your life that you consider to be absolute necessities.
Food, water and shelter don’t count anymore? Alright… British television, Greek food and hockey. Strike what I said earlier about the re-shuffling. I’m obviously living in a glass Tudor mansion.

Dessert: What was the last really funny movie you watched?
Midnight Run was on a couple of weeks ago, and I watched it in its entirety even though it was edited-for-TV and I own the DVD. That’s a little strange. Regardless, it’s an under-appreciated classic which proved DeNiro had frightening comedy chops over a decade before Analyze This. Charles Grodin is also perfect as the mob witness Bobby is trying to take cross country. “Jack, you’re a grown man. You have control over your own words.” “You’re goddamn right I do, so here come 3 words for you – Shut the fuck up.”

Appetizer: What’s the funniest dream you can remember having?
I don’t dream much. But when I was younger I’d frequently wake up and be frustrated that I wasn’t actually Spiderman. The dreams were vivid – shooting webs to swing from building to building, fighting Rhino and Doc Ock, immobilizing Mary Jane Watson with webbing and then making her watch me dance around in my dead grandmother’s clothes whilst weeping profusely. Children fantasize about the darndest things.

Soup: If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
I’d be a German Shepherd. Because, truth be told – There’s a voice that keeps on calling me. Down the road is where I’ll always be. Every stop I make, I’ll make a new friend. Can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want settle down. Until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on.

Salad: Continue this sentence: “I get confused when…”
… a mathematical equation is thrown my way. I have never been super good with numbers. I have managed several bars, and was in charge of thousands of dollars a night in the face of some aggressively thieving bartenders, so I coped. I also manage my building now which involves a lot of paperwork. But if I had my way, the closest I’d get to math would be figuring out on which chapter of the Body Double DVD you get to see Melanie Griffith’s puckered nostril.

Main Course: Name 2 things that need doing, but you are procrastinating about.
In addition to becoming an adult, I’ve been agonizing about tidying my apartment. I went ballistic on it about a month ago, but several house guests later it’s in need of another deep-cleaning. So that’s my Saturday morning mapped out – and I don’t really mind one bit. Fruit flies and police tape lose their charm after a few weeks.

Dessert: When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
A co-worker made me eat her clam on Monday night. It’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds. We were sitting in a post-office group at MJ O’Connors when the gauntlet was thrown down. I was enjoying my curry fries when a big bowl of the smelly sea dwellers was dropped on the bar for the others. Knowing full well I hate seafood, I was browbeaten into submission and grabbed myself a shell. I was actually pleasantly surprised – I was expecting a clammy taste. Instead, I got more of a “fishy/industrial strength rubber band/filthy dead rotting trout floater” sort of a flavor. Goes to show you – never say never.

Appetizer: Fill in the blanks: I ________ when I _________.
I burn when I pee. I smile when I punch the clown. I sweat when I think. I laugh when I murder. I cry when I skydive. I cringe when I take SATs. I rejoice when I eat Greek.

Soup: Name something you use to make your home smell good.
Anything that doesn’t smell like Nate. He has been in New York for a long time, and when he gets back to Boston his bedroom is going to look like that of the ‘Sloth’ victim in Se7en.

Salad: If you could get a coupon for 50% off a product, what would it to be for?
The space shuttle. I heard it’s worth something like 300 billion, so I could sell it back to NASA for a tidy profit. I’d also take a calling card. I don’t want to say that was a bad question, but there are currently prarie dogs in Saskatchewan who are wincing, Quizzlet.

Main Course: Besides sleeping, what do you spend the majority of the day doing?
Writing. Emails, contracts, marketing collateral, instant messages, blog entries – I must average several thousand keystrokes a day. There are far worse types of strokes to have daily.

Dessert: What can you hear right now while answering these questions?
A little voice telling me to get a goddamned life. And my beloved office air conditioner. Most people think I chose my desk location for the view of the Common – not true. A nice, old, effective AC unit sits directly to my right, and I love it so much let’s just say it’s a good thing there isn’t an exhaust valve at waist level.

Appetizer: Approximately how many times per day do you yawn?
Probably 25. There are many variable contributing factors. Like boredom, sleep deprivation and self-administered ether.

Soup: What was your most memorable school field trip?
I went to a mushroom farm in Ottawa in about grade 4, and we spent a lovely afternoon running around in a warm, dark cave like barn covered in manure. A field trip of this sort would never take place today, because we all know now – that sort of unhygenic behavior is racist.

Salad: Fill in the blank: I was extremely ________ this week.
Sweaty. See previous entries, and also my doctor who is currently adding me to some sort of Guinness medical record book.

Main Course: Which color do you associate with “soothing”?
Is Ambien white, or off-white?

Dessert: Name something you could save up the money to buy in 1 month?
Wow – not your best work, quizzlet. Pop, chips and a bar? I will be fairly incognito until the middle of next week as we’re off to Canada at 3pm. Have a great holiday, everyone – and I’ll see you on the flipside.

Appetizer: What is a word that you use that would not be considered common?
I say “porkies” a lot. And not because I’m enthralled with Kim Cattrall nude scenes. Alright, it might be because I’m enthralled with Kim Cattrall nude scenes. ‘Porkies’ is the abbreviation of ‘porky pies’ which is cockney rhyming slang for ‘lies’. When I lived in England, you’d frequently see adults saying to children: “Are you telling porkies again, Nathaniel?!” That always cracks me up, so I use it here in Boston, and everyone looks at me like I’ve hit my head on something.

Soup: What theme of calendar do you have on your wall this year?
I have a delightfully cute calendar comprised entirely of photos of one of my friend’s children. It’s an improvement over my mother’s frequent calendar gifts, which while good intentioned are usually comprised of things like cats with hats or Harry Potter. I have enough challenges at work – I don’t need to hang one of those bad boys up over my desk and become a laughing stock. Besides, there’s no room anymore after I put up all my Klingon translation charts.

Salad: Name 3 people you speak with by telephone a regular basis.
I’m not a big phone guy. My roomate speaks on his phone all night long. More than most 12 year old girls. He’s social, he misses his friends, I understand. But it’s foreign to me. There are few things I’d rather do less than chit-chat on the phone. “So anyway, I’d better let you go.” is how I answer it.

Main Course: If you could buy a new outfit for someone you know – who would it be and what would you purchase for them?
I’d buy Venditti a purple velour tux, because I’m pretty sure he’d wear it to his wedding.

Dessert: What is the last beverage you drank?
“Lemonade! That cool refreshing drink…” The lemonade at the Au Bon Pain downstairs is so strong, I get a large one in the morning and drink it halfway and just refill it with water all day for 10 hours of lemony goodness. Kind of like non-alcoholic swish.