Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: About how much money did you spend on gas this week?
Zero – but I’ve been informed, as I did not pay for the hotel we’re staying in Saturday for a wedding in Vermont, that I am paying for all the gas. I can live with that, even though I’m sure I’ll end up sleeping in a bathtub with one of the caterers.

Soup: What is your favortite brand of toilet paper?
What an odd question. Dr. Migilicutty’s Hot Lube With Grits. 2-ply.

Salad: When was the last time you found something you thought was genius?
I remain stunned and amazed at the quality of the American version of The Office. I am halfway through Season 2 on DVD, and it just never gets old. I wondered, how in the heck will they ever find an equivalent of a Yank Ricky Gervais – but Steve Carell was a master stroke. KELLY CLARKSON!

Main Course: What is the least amount of sleep you can get by on per night?
I needs my Zs. Six hours is the bare minimum. Otherwise my eyes feel like mothballs the next day, and I have the attention span of a crow in a keychain factory.

Dessert: June is a popular wedding month. Do you know anyone getting married?
Uncanny! I am attending Katie and Reynolds’ wedding in VT tomorrow as I said, and then Jason and Amy’s nuptuals in Niagra Falls come October. I’m not even sure what town we’re headed to tonight – I am just jumping in the car when my sister shows up and letting her worry about it all. She loves it when I sleep the whole way during a long drive. The Canada wedding will involve some travel, as I’ll also be up for the stag & doe in September – but I never see those cats and it’ll be well worth it. Maybe if Jason is done boycotting the blog, he’ll chime in with something clever to say. Have a good weekend.

Appetizer: On a scale of 1 to 10, how funny do you think you are?
Let’s face it – people who think they’re funny, usually aren’t even close. People who are indeed naturally funny don’t have to try. People who say “just kidding” everytime they make a joke, are right up there with Colombian death squads and mosquitos on my list of things that must be eradicated immediately. I seem to have a good knack for making people laugh – but then we have to remember there are people like Jim Norton, Sean Cullen, Dave Chappelle and Dave Attell in this world. I think I can give myself a solid 7/10.

Soup: Name a local restaurant would you recommend to a visitor to your city.
There’s a little known, highly secret, hidden Greek restaurant near the Galleria called Desfina. I found it by chance when I was wandering around that neighborhood with a friend one day a few years back. Boston has some other Greek options – Meze being the foo foo, $100 a person venue, while Steve’s is tasty – but more of a lunchtime place. There’s also a decent stand in Quincy Market. But for a quaint, two-fisted Kourtaki Retsina drinking, casual, full dining and extremely affordable Greek feast you can get to on the T – Desfina is the way to go.

Salad: What’s a lesson you were lucky enough to learn the easy way?
This question is rubbing me the wrong way. I dunno, flashcards for my times tables? British Comedy rules? It’s better to watch somebody else get hit by a train? I was always good in English. That was pretty easy. Riding a bike? Blazing Saddles is the funniest film ever made? I give up. Maybe someone else can run with this one.

Main Course: Where would you like to be 5 years from now?
In the home office of a building I own working for myself. Listening to the Happy Mondays on the attached private roofdeck, before watching Blade Runner and falling asleep to play poker with John Belushi and Chris Farley. Yes, this is a blatant spidering exercise – but I added cool videos to all those lenses last night and you may want to check them out. The first sentence was genuine, anyway.

Dessert: If you could see the front page of a newspaper from June 2, 2106, what would you imagine the headline might be?
Dave Pye’s Cryogenically Frozen Head Finds Cure for Cancer; Tells Hepatitis to ‘Watch its Ass’.

Appetizer: How old were you when you got your first credit card?
I was 27, unemployed and fairly desperate. I have been paying off the debt I incurred that year ever since. I will be fully out of the red in about 3 months, and I can’t wait. All the money I currently put towards said debt, that I’m not used to having and have learned to live without, will be invested. That’s why I’ve been making such a push lately to learn more about personal finance. I have a call with my advisor today at 4pm. Evil incarnate is Discover Card sending me, unsolicited, a checkbook tied to the CC account. Talk about a recipie for trouble. I paid my rent with it several times back in those days – I don’t harp on about corporate conspiracy theories much, but these filthy buggers need to be stopped.

Soup: When was the last time you felt out of place?
It doesn’t happen often. A Bell Biv Devoe concert in 1988? Not really.

Salad: Did you have a curfew when you were a teenager?
I can’t really remember. 11:30 seems to ring a bell for some reason, but that was really only freshman year at Lorne Park. My folks were pretty lax on the whole curfew thing, as I didn’t have female genitalia.

Main Course: Name a person from history with whom you have something in common.
The way today is going so far? How does Richard Nixon sound?

Dessert: When you read a newspaper, which section do you go for first?
I don’t read papers anymore. It’s all about the RSS, baby. But if I did, I’d just read it in order. No big whoop. I’m not a paper section skipper. You can all relax.

Shh, quizzlet. Daddy’s busy.

Appetizer: What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
I had the band repaired on an old Roots watch about 15 minutes ago. I found it while cleaning my room this week and dropped it off today while having lunch at the Sidebar. I found some of the damndest other things, too – photos I’d forgotten about, my dayplanner from University, home movies,  etc.

Soup: If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
I’d invest the first thousand in a mutual fund, and give the other thousand to the Animal Rescue League of Boston.

Salad: What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
I’ve already beaten this one to death, Falco.

Main Course: You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Kitties and puppies. Alternately, if it were a shit pet store that only sells fish and crickets, crickets.

Dessert: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I’m a solid 7. I walk about 25 miles a week, and go to the gym in my office building, too.

Appetizer: List 3 things you keep putting off.
This is a list that has gotten a whole heck of a lot shorter this very week. I’ll spare you more chatter about the new desk and the bedroom project, but it’s nearly finished and is making me very happy. The new workspace is going to lead to the only major ‘to-do’ that is still really bothering me – sitting down and doing more writing. My blogs are cool and everything, let’s be honest – wicked fucking cool – but they aren’t making me any real money. I have some book ideas I am going to start flushing out. And while we’re at it, I am going to get off my Canadian tush and get Yank citizenship so I can continue to live wherever the wind/liquor takes me, unmolested by either government.

Soup: What do you feel is your greatest responsibility?
I am almost completely devoid of them – which is one of the reasons I have been feeling uncomfortable as of late and whipping a few facets of my life into shape. If there is one thing that breathes down my neck at night, that isn’t Philippino and wasn’t paid $600 for the whole evening, it’s the fact that my parents are likely going to have to sell their new house in the next few years in order to downsize and get closer to civilization for medical reasons. Perhaps to a retirement community – or at least a cheap Motel with an outdoor soda machine. I would love to strike it rich and be able to buy it off them, and then move there permanently, grow my fingernails, write a manifesto and never have to see an Emo ever again. They could live in their trailer on the edge of the property and do really shoddy senior citizen yardwork. But we’d keep Graceland North in the family.

Salad: If you’d starred in any movie, which one would it have been and why?
Office Space. Because everyone seems to think I’m Ron Livingston anyway. Not really – I’d love to be in a Spaghetti Western, or a Rat Pack or Matt Helm movie where they do a song and dance number while Tommy-gunning loads of people to death. Alright, I’ll come clean. I obviously would have made a great Roy Batty.

Main Course: What is a false expectation you had as a kid about being an adult?
That I would eventually become Spiderman.

Dessert: When was the last time you had your car serviced?
I suppose having it picked up by a charity counts as servicing. Maybe? I gave my last automobile to the good of the kids, and save for a time or two I have never missed it. I want one of these so badly, blame my inner-guido and my love of Bullitt I guess, but would probably end up driving it once a month. It would be more useful to get my tits done.

Appetizer: What movie soundtracks do you own?
If by own you mean ‘find’ online – I recently got Spamalot, and have always been partial to Blade Runner. Vangelis, not the orchestral version. Once, 10 years ago when I worked at David’s Bistro in Acton, I put the BR soundtrack into the dining room stereo alongside Sinatra, Ella, etc. I was really into it at the time and thought it was amazing. I honestly believed the somber, space melodrama would go over like gangbusters on the suburban, rich Massachusetts crowd. After the third diner shoved a rusty nail through their hand, I skipped over to In the Wee Small Hours.

Soup: How much cash do you usually spend on a weekend?
Depends what I’m doing, who I’m with and where I am, I suppose. There are wedding weekends – which cost as much as most cars, and then there’s couch weekends – where $4 will get you a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and Meatballs 2. I forgot there was a space alien in Meatballs 2. How did Bill Murray not rush back to do this? (I am working from home today).

Salad: Have you ever seen an adult movie? Who is your favorite actor?
Can I plead the 5th on this one? There was an impressive stash of smut in my house growing up which I quickly located and pilfered. Probably explains a lot. When I was far too young to be enjoying it, I was a solid Amber Lynn fan. Recently, I saw Jim Norton do an interview with Belladonna which was hilarious – so I checked out some of her distinguished work. Breathtaking. Anyhew, porn stars are like legitimate celebrities now, and I shudder to think what future generations of warped youth are going to deem normal. “Sure I’ll go to the Prom with you, but only if you pee on me during Stairway to Heaven“.

Main Course: What is the most mischievous thing you remember doing as a child?
I’ve got to talk about “the move”. At Manotick Public School, where I did kindergarden – grade 5, the true measure of a man was their ability to play King of the Mountain. The harsh Ottawa winters would produce mountains of snow, pushed to the sides of the school parking lot by plows. After a fresh downfall, there would be enormous walls of packed snow all over the place. When recess came, we’d all run out of the doors, through the lot and start climbing up the piles. You had to get up there early, or you’d get taken out before you got settled.

There were 3 bullies who usually had it in for me – the Hutt twins and Richie. They were all big farm kids who liked to prove their toughness against me at every opportunity – as I was a big kid too. So after we’d collectively finished off all of the smaller buggers, they’d set their sights on me. Now, when you got pushed off of the mountain, you’d fall a good distance and sometimes split your lip. So the stakes were high. I developed a “move” that no one was able to dodge or replicate – and I won every single lunchtime. When one of them would charge towards me, their arms extended, I would tuck my arms into my chest and begin to spin – but slowly neough that they couldn’t really notice. When they hit me, arms fully extended, my momentum would spin them around 90 degrees and they’d be rife for a violent kick in the ass, and off the mountain. I call it ‘snow cred’ looking back.

Dessert: Have you seen your family tree? Does one exist?
I emailed my aunt just last week to get some info on my family – as I realized how little I knew. I don’t even know my grandfather’s first name, for example. He died when my father was 13. I found a site called Ancestry.com and decided to start a tree there – then send it to older members of my extended family to see what we come up with. I will keep you posted on my family tree, as I’m sure you’re all waiting to hear that I’m the missing link.

Appetizer: Name a trait you share with your parents or your children.
I don’t have any children, so I’ll have to talk about Gordo and Bonnie. I share my father’s penchant for food and drink, and my mother’s sensitivity. Recently, my father’s temper has been wheedling its way into my personality – so I just suppress it with more drink. Other traits from Dad: computer love, cartooning, emotional disassociation. More traits from Mom: animal love, awesome with children, inconvenient empathy.

Soup: List 3 qualities of a good leader, in your opinion.
The ability to listen, the ability to admit that you’re wrong, and the ability to listen. Save all the “inspire” bollocks – learn from your mistakes, and don’t treat your team like they’re manning a deep-fryer. There’s probably more than one person working under you who is way smarter.

Salad: Who is your favorite television chef?
My main man – Wok with Yan. He is a Chinese chef who had a TV show in Canada starting in the early 80s – and I believe he’s still going strong up there today. He had a great gimmick – every day he would have a different Wok related saying on his apron. I don’t know how they came up with so many. My favorite, from 1981, was “Raiders of the Lost Wok”. For some reason, I’m afraid I’ll never forget that. He was on in the afternoons right before Spiderman, so I rarely missed a peek at his apron.

Main Course: Share a story about a gift you received from someone.
My sister has this uncanny ability to buy clothes for me. She’s even shown up at my place with shoes. The thing is, I would never even try on any of the stuff she gets for me were I alone in a store, but once she gives it to me I always love it. J – please never buy me any presents other than clothes. You have a gift for getting me gifts.

Dessert: How do you react under pressure?
My productivity skyrockets. When a client is angry, or I have something stressful going on in my personal life, I jump into action pretty frighteningly effectively. If I could harness this ability, and have it extend into the everyday – I’d be a millionaire by now. There’s always hostage negotiator school.

Appetizer: Name 3 things that you think are strange.
Celebutants: That strange mixture of privilige, wealth, fame – and no good reason for any scrap of it. Dog people: Why do cat people always like dogs too, but self-professed dog people always hate cats and wear it pompously like some sort of badge? How the hell can you vehemently hate a cat? And why do you like to tell me this over and over when you know that I have one? This has happened to me like 14 separate times recently. You’re all fucking retarded. Pearl Jam: How has this boring, mediocre band acheived Christ-like reverance all over the world? You might as well be listening to Genesis.

Soup: What was the last ceremony you attended?
Heather and Chris’ Wedding in Newport. At least I’m told I was there. It was an interesting foray. Have a look at the gallery for the details.

Salad: What is one lesson you have learned in the past year?
As much as I despise them, telephones always trump email when doing business. I am trying to get in touch with my inner Rockefeller.

Main Course: Tell us about one of your childhood memories.
There was a burned out farmhouse foundation in the middle of a field behind my house that all the kids named “Blueberry Hill”. As we were all obsessed by Mad Max, we formed several gangs (I was the leader of the Eagles) and jockeyed for position at different strategic points around the neighborhood. We used to make weapons out of things we’d find in our father’s garages and go have little turf battles. Anyway, once, after leading a particularly violent attack on Blueberry hill, I had half the parents in the neighborhood out trying to lynch me. Adorable.

Dessert: If you could extend a season which would you pick?
Fall. Boston is too hot or too cold for 95% of the year. Once an annum, for about 2 weeks, it’s just right. This city is like living on Mars.

Appetizer: What job would you definitely not want to have?
Take it easy, James Lipton. I wouldn’t want to be anything I’ve already been, because it would feel like somewhat of a step backwards. However, considering you can count window-washer, landscaper, waiter, bouncer, constuction laborer and liquor store clerk on that list – That’s a bit of a no-brainer. As an aside, there are many days I wish I was a homicide detective.

Soup: Oprah wants you on her show. What would it be about?
My whirlwind, tri-country, peanut-oil-soaked, illegal, sweaty love affair with Rachel Weisz, of course. I’d jump up and down on the couch and everything.

Salad: Name 3 vegetables that you eat on a regular basis.
Terri Schiavo, Helen Keller and Frida Kahlo. It’s not assault if they blink twice for ‘yes’.

Main Course: You can be in any bar anywhere today – which would you pick?
Smuggler’s Inn! No question. JP and I used to frequent this wonderful dive when our parents lived in Hong Kong, and I hope I get to darken its door again some day. We made many great friends there, and I am pretty sure my signed Canadian $5 bill is still stapled to the ceiling. Favorite memories include silly string fights with the natives, real fights with American sailors, my temporary Chinese girlfriend who threw up all over the 3 square foot bathroom, midnight van rides through the mountains with Malkie and of course the legendary Mr. Andy Kirk.

Dessert: If you had a personal assistant, what kind of tasks would they do?
I’d have them follow me around, taking tons of photos. I’d push them away and shield my face as if I were a hot shit celebrity. When women invariably asked me where they knew me from, I’d simply answer: Real World 18 – West Newton. And then I’d mention that my room number was also 18, and then ask them if they were.

In keeping with tradition, I’ve stolen another quiz for everyone to try. I’m extremely late for work, as I wait for a charming gentleman with more hair on his neck than on his head to fix my dishwasher. So I’ll get this nonsense out of the way in the meantime.

Three things I plan to do before I die:
Reproduce – Travel to Greece – Act.

Three things I can do:
Play guitar – Make people laugh – Write.

Three things I can not do:
Fix cars – Snowboard – Eat seafood.

Three things that I find attractive about the opposite sex:
Scent – Empathy – Behinds.

Three things I say the most:
Holy Fuck – Comprehensive – Eh?

Three books I love:
The Power of One – Life of Tom Horn – Borstal Boy.

Kids, you’ve heard me talk about memes a time or two. Friday’s Quizzlet is a meme I get from an external source and I use it as a catalyst for material on dreary Friday mornings. I grow tired of it from time to time, and would also like to foster a little reader participation this week – so I’m going with more of a bullet-point quiz that I hope you’ll enjoy and take for a spin yourself. I stole it from The Duck, and God only knows where she dug it up.

What is your name?: They call me Pye.
What is your astrological sign?: Sagittarius
What time did you get up this morning?: 9:00 am.
Favorite toothpaste: Some sort of Crest. I’m in and out of CVS in a flash.
Oprah or Dr. Phil?: Heterosexual.
What was your prom theme?: I have no idea. But based on all recollection, probably something from Ritual de lo Habitual.
3 Favorite Movies to Watch Hungover: Whatever’s playing on TV in the Emergency Room at MGH.
Wax, pluck or shave: I pluck my eyebrows in the middle a wee bit and do a little ‘dirty lawn’ maintenance.
If free plastic surgery existed, what would you consider?: Contrary to what you read on here sometimes – I’m quite fond of myself. Nothing.
How do you take your coffee?: Cream and sugar if I’m out, black at home.
Favorite song in 6th Grade?: Pale Shelter by Tears for Fears.
Name Three Guilty Pleasures: The only question I’ve had trouble answering. I feel guilty enough about beer sometimes for all 3 spots. Sorry, Walla.
Who would you cast as you in the film adaptation of your life?: Vaughn, Fraser or Livingston – in that order.
If you could choose it, your last meal would consist of: Greek food, but I’d have no idea it was my last. As long as I stay out of the drug trade, I won’t.
Age you lost your virginity: TMI. Far too young.
Is there any accessory you wear every day?: My Bruins charity bracelet.
Favorite Vacation Ever: South Africa for scenery, Australia for fun.
Current Celebrity Crush: Rachel Weisz.
Favorite Book as a Child: John Christopher’s Tripod series. Now that I’m older and I know better, I liked it more when it was called War of the Worlds.
Where Were You on Your 21st Birthday?: The Brass Taps in Guelph. I’d been of age for 2 years. Big whoop. Here’s an actual photo from that night.
Side, stomach or back?: All three, repeatedly, incessantly, please crush up some Ambien so I can snort it immediately.
Your Most Overused Phrase or Word: ‘Comprehensively.’ At work. At home, it’s ‘Nate, lower your voice, it’s only basketball‘.

Appetizer: What was a class you took that was a total waste of time?
It’s all good practice. Although I imagine silk screen printing with Mr. Fratto could have been put to better use across the hall in the auto shop. This one time, I mistook my engine’s dipstick for a fondue spear.

Soup: Who is the tallest person you know?
Marky Mark Tonizzo. The guy makes me look like a dwarf infant with polio. The Richard Simmons hairdo adds another good foot, too. The guy can, however, make a hell of a Pilly Packer.

Salad: What’s your favorite midnight snack?
Ambien.

Main Course: Have you ever found money somewhere?
I usually find 10s and 5s in my pockets after heavy nights out on the razz. That’s 1.5 rocks of crack, if anybody’s keeping track. Can you guess how I know whether or not I stumbled into Chinatown the hazy night before? By the bye, I hope this Boston Interior Designer site gets indexed soon.

Dessert: Where would you like to retire?
My parent’s place on the Rideau. But they constantly warn me they’ll have to sell it and move into nursing homes some day. So I am hoping I become rich very soon so I can buy it and let them live there. But honestly – if their boat had brake lines, I would have cut them last summer.

Appetizer: On a scale of 1 to 10 (10=highest), how sociable are you?
I’m a solid 8 I think. People think of me as a connector, but I can be quite the lone wolf, too. The addition of Tivo to my bedroom understandably has not helped this. If I’m not alone for a little while each day, watching true crime shows, I can’t think straight. Or rub myself.

Soup: Name 3 DVDs you currently own.
I have about 300, so this is a little moot. I will name the 3 most embarassing ones, how’s that? I simply don’t know how I ended up with Rush Hour 2. I will also openly admit to owning The Black Hole and A Nightmare on Elm Street. And the fact that I have obviously never truly learned the value of a dollar.

Salad: If you were to win a superlative award now, what would it be?
The same one I won when I was a senior at Vermont Academy – “Talks Least, Says Most”. I would have also appreciated the class clown one, or “Most Pranks Played on Rest of Campus”. Considering we were at a school you could have been thrown out of for belching, we sure frigged around a lot.

Main Course: What is your favorite radio station?
I am all about the Podcasts these days. My favorite has to be Ricky Gervais – and it also happens to be the #1 podcast in the world right now. If you like the American version of The Office, which I know you do because it’s incredibly awesome, have a listen to the guy who created it. Most podcasts are ridiculously bad, but if you sniff around long enough you’ll find some doozys.

Dessert: Complete this sentence: I believe _______ because ________.
I believe I can fly, because I believe the children are our future. I also believe that fallen R & B singers deserve a bit more sympathy. And crack.

Appetizer: Choose one – Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.
Right. Feta cheese, garlic and Kalamata olive Greek pizza from New London Style in Concord. Salivating and rubbing myself at the mere thought. Don’t ever go there with Jim, though. Most of the children in C-town learned to swear when they were unfortunate enough to be in that shop when Jim was there. Just don’t drop his sub on the floor and you’be fine.

Soup: Describe your personality in terms of a particular vehicle.
I try to be very reliable. So what is that, a Chevy truck? An Everglade hovercraft? I’m not sure. It’s Today’s Chevrodave.

Salad: If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?
Best Buy or Circuit City. I’d grab a shopping cart and head straight for the DVD section. Weekend at Bernie’s 2, One Tough Cop, Gone Fishin’. Leaving just enough time to make sure I could swing over and get a huge flatscreen TV, too. Lives are in aisle 5.

Main Course: Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?
I watch Sanford and Son like it’s what I was born to do. It’s the funniest sitcom in history, hands down. “Esther, Why don’t you go open up the freezer and make some ugly-sicles”. And Grady has got to be my favorite TV character of all time. Regardless of how his career continues to become uninteresting, I will always respect Eddie Murphy for paying for Redd Foxx’s funeral.

Dessert: If you could look into the future, how far down the road would you see?
I’d just like to be assured that I will neither die alone, nor be the end of my family line. Everything else is pretty unimportant. I’ve said it before though – a trunk of DVD porn will also probably suffice.

Appetizer: About how many times per day do you check your email?
I have Outlook set to send/receive every 3 minutes or so. Technically, this amounts to about 480 email checks per day. If you throw Hotmail, GMail and Yahoo into the equation, I usually have time to fire down a bag of Doritos while sleeping for 3 hours, too.

Soup: If you could collect something really valuable, what would it be?
I think there’s a big future in custom made cockroach jewelry. But ideally, if we were referring to like an artifact or something, it would be one that both had great value but also held people in its presence in awe. The Shroud of Turin, Jack Ruby‘s pistol, etc. Alternately, if Sotheby’s felt comfortable with me having the ability to conquer the world, I think the Lost Ark of the Covenant would make an excellent ottoman.

Salad: Write a sentence using the letters of your favorite beverage.
Really, Ethel – talk softly in Nana’s apartment!

Main Course: If you could be on a game show, which one would it be?
I have always been able to hold my own at Jepoardy. Once time, back at Uni, I was in a hotel room full of friends getting ready to go to Oktoberfest in Kitchener Waterloo. The show was on TV, and I answered every single question correct for an entire round. It’s good I got proving my intelligence out of the way early, because by 9pm I’d forgotten my room number/how not to pee on myself.

Dessert: Name 3 computer programs you would hate to be without.
Outlook, Excel, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.