Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Have you ever seen a ghost or an angel?
Do sexual fantasies consisting of Michael Landon diddling Della Reese count? I didn’t think so. The only thing that will make you look like more of a crackpot than admitting you think you saw a ghost… Is telling people you’ve seen an angel. Hang a crystal mobile off of one ear, and a dreamcatcher off of the other, and start cruising communes for good Cat Stevens bootlegs. Incidentally, I saw something mighty strange at my Grandfather’s house in Parry Sound about a year after my Grandmother died, circa 1981. Janet and I were sleeping in G’Ma’s old room which had twin beds and cluttered medical supplies that had never been thrown away. Piles of white boxes filled with dialysis bags. When I saw… whatever it was, I scooted off the end of my bed and jumped in with my parents on the pullout couch in the living room. I totally threw Janet under the ghost bus.

Soup: What is your favorite board game?
I think this quizzlet woman has Altzheimer’s. Another repeat question. Balderdash is the best board game ever created. Don’t however, play with unfunny, unimaginative people. If some new people, male or female, have entered your social circle, somehow arrange a game of ‘the dash’. You’ll separate the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly. “I can’t think of anything! Is the answer to any of these questions Dave Matthews Band?!”

Salad: What was the last movie you saw that made you cry?
I saw The Constant Gardener last weekend, and that was pretty rough. Probably only because it’s my imaginary girlfriend, Rachel Weisz, who gets the chop in the first 10 minutes. Sorry for the lack of a spoiler alert. It’s not like I told you that Rosebud is Citizen Kane’s childhood sled, or anything.

Main Course: What would you do if you had 3 months off from your job?
I would develop several of the 800 domain names I’ve purchased on impulse, devise some revenue streams and generate more of a supplemental income. I have the skills and the know how, I just don’t have the free time. I’m lying – I actually could find the time if I really wanted to. They say you can make time for anything. Unfortunately, Celebrity Big Brother 6 started last night, so I’m pretty much booked for the next 60 evenings. You know what else is sad? Constant Gardener because Rachel Weisz gets mutilated in a car wreck.

Dessert: What kind of shoes are you wearing today?
Black dress shoes. I have a great Kiwi brand triangular sponge that I can whisk over them for a quick shine here at the office. I can also use it to disguise myself and stay out of sight under my desk when I don’t feel like participating in client meetings. Remember – irregular patterns.

The usual source of the quizzlets is once again sucking hind tit, self-admittedly using “leftover” questions this week – all of which I’ve answered before here on PITF. So I’m thinking up my own. It’s relevant, it’s hep, it’s seasonal and it’s interactive. Although it is late in the day, and many have you have already mentally checked out for the weekend, play along if you please. And if not, go pork a wreath.

Top Five Holiday Songs EVAH.

5. The Chipmunk Song – The Chipmunks: Human counterpart “Dave” encourages Alvin and the rest of his little rodent gang to wish for more peace and love, and less hula hoops, during the holiday season. It’s catchy, and ever so frigging creepy at the same time. Here’s a Flash parody that will immediately make you want to bathe.

4. Little Drummer Boy – David Bowie and Bing Crosby: On his yearly Christmas special in 1977, Bing asked Bowie, whom he’d never heard of but had been advised was big with ‘the kids’, to join him for this classic duet. Crosby died a month later, and nobody saw this until after his death which added to the already oozing sentimentality. Personally, I’m glad that Bing got one last chance to prove that he could entertain children just as well as he could beat them. I kid Bing. He was awesome.

3. Christmas in Hollis – Run DMC: During their 80s heyday, the guys put together this yuletide hip-hop single that was the first and last of its kind. Here’s the thing – it’s surprisingly a very, very good tune. I loved it as a kid, and it holds up well over time. I buy into the fact that Santa visits the hood as regularly as he does any other neighborhood. I don’t buy into the fact that collard greens should be served with Christmas dinner or that the pre-religious Run would have returned Santa’s wallet.

2. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Dean Martin: If you know me, you know of my eternal love of Dino. That having been prefaced, this song could have easily been called I Know you Don’t Want to Fuck me, but it’s Really Frigging Cold Outside. Listen to Dean coax his ladyfriend into staying for “one cigarette more” due to the raging elements that await her outside. The raging erection is most definitely inside, and Dean’s going to be dammed if he lets his folly leave before there’s egg nog all over her green sweater. In all seriousness, this is a cute classic that I always pull out this time of year.

1. Fairytale of New York – The Pogues: I’ll say it – This is hands down the best Christmas song that has ever been written. Shane MacGowan and the late Kirsty MacColl trade sentiments and then jabs in a booze-soaked yuletide slugfest. Any song that can bring me to tears every year, which also rhymes ‘maggot’ with ‘faggot‘, has something just a little special going on. This year marks the 5th anniversary of Kirsty’s tragic death, and the single is being re-released with all proceeds going to her charity. There is also a documentary about the strange story behind the song airing on the BBC next week. The best of the best, this song will be featured on Radio Pye next week for the uninitiated.

Appetizer: Name something you’ll miss about 2005.
I’ll really miss the way the number 5 looks like a little testicle at the end of the two zeros. I look forward to 2007, when I’ll get emails and letters sent to me with dates at the top and I’ll wonder – is this really a bill from Keyspan, or is James Bond sending me a secret code? Is my gas about to be shut off, or has Blofeld escaped from the underground MI6 volcano prison. It will be exciting to try and figure that out every day.

Salad: What is one thought that went through your mind today?
Sweet Charity am I ever late for work! I got all the way to the Haymarket T stop and had waited for the train a good 10 minutes before I realized I left my laptop in my living room. I had to go all the way back to get it and bounded into the office 10 minutes before a conference call. So I was wicked prepared, covered in snow and still nailed it.

Soup: On a scale of 1-10 how compassionate would you say you are?
If I can quote Duran Duran for a second – City living, heavy trouble. City living rough. We are given angry hearts, but angers’ not enough. I think what Simon leBon is saying here is along the lines of living in the city for an extended period of time can make you apathetic, please get me another young cock.

Main Course: If you could invent something, what would it be?
I’m not telling you, you sneaky patent-collecting quizzlet. My supersonic peanut machine gun vibrator will be ready when it’s ready. And I’ve already invented whatever the lifeform is that inhabits the boilers in my building and keeps blowing out the pilots. Not to be confused with criteria for joining the Mile-High Club.

Dessert: Do you prefer salty snacks or sweet treats?
Salty snacks I’d have to say. My friend Mike once pointed out the error in calling someone a saltoholic. And alcoholic is called that because they are addicted to alcohol. So by the same logic, someone addicted to salt should be called a saltlic. So you’ll frequently find me hanging out in meadows being tongued by dairy cows. You haven’t lived…

Appetizer: When was the last time you did something courteous?
I’ve been giving my seat up on the train a lot more frequently. It hurts at first, and it’s hard to sit down for a few days afterwards, but it’s a good way to make some extra pocket money and there are always generous elderly gentleman cruising public transportation.

Salad: If you were to have a painting done of you, what would background be?
The background would be that I’m enough of a narcissistic twat to comission a painting of himself. So, in other words, a seascape.

Soup: Describe your voice.
It’s smooth and deep. I can do a great Dean Martin impersonation. But if we’re talking inner-voice, it’s a selection of three murderous circus clown brothers bent on violent necrophelia.

Main Course: What is something you would like to do, but are afraid of the risks?
I’d like to move fairly soon. I don’t see myself living in Boston forever. But dropping everything is a very scary prospect. Like when you’re babysitting an infant. I’m thinking Toronto or Vancouver, but I’d likely have to change my profession a little due to the marketplace. I recently got a book on juggling.

Dessert: What was the last television show you watched?
Last night I watched an old episode of Family Guy – the one where Meg skips Stewie’s birthday party to unsuspectingly attend a cult meeting. I was a late adopter of this show, but it’s absolutely hilarious and I am so glad I eventually got around to wasting copious amounts of my time with it. Homer who?

Appetizer: What did you look like when you were a teenager?
I actually looked a lot like James Coburn during my teens. Smoking a pipe and wearing white tuxedos almost exclusively. What kind of a silly question is that? I had less wrinkles, more hair and was a liberal. I pine only for the first two.

Salad: Whose advice do you listen to?
I like to listen to my own advice, primarily. But there a few folks I turn to from time to time when I need some guidance. You know who you are. And you wish I’d stop calling.

Soup: Name a book you would like to memorize.
The combined works of William Shakespeare. To be able to shout out powerful passages in modern, everyday situations would be… annoying.

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.” “I still don’t understand, sir. does that mean you want the fries or the coleslaw?”

Main Course: How often are you sick?
About once a year during the winter. I take very few sick days, as I need them for traveling to Canada, etc. If we’re talking about sexual deviance, however – is it noon yet?

Dessert: Do you like or dislike change?
I like it. I have moved around a lot in my life. I went to three different high schools and have been lucky enough to travel all over the world. Bring on the change, I say. Providing, of course, that I don’t have to leave the North End.

Appetizer: What was the last game you purchased?
I did you one better, you Quizzlet bastard – I purchased a membership to GameFly. It’s like NetFlix for the geeks who are worse than movie geeks. I’m not ashamed, however. There’s nothing unhealthy about coming home on a chilly fall evening and battling a Rhino from the comfort of your own couch in front of the fireplace. Then I tell her she’s pretty and take her out for something to eat when I’m sure none of my neighbors are looking.

Soup: Name something in which you don’t believe.
I don’t believe in institutions, parties, groups or denominations that spend more time and energy debasing others than bettering themselves. So, basically, I don’t believe in much. Debasing should almost always be left to The Pixies.

Salad: If you could choose a television boss, who would you pick?
I would love to put a stapler in jelly, throw a shoe over a pub, go to Chasers, softly softly catchy monkey, headbutt a secretary and discuss dwarves – all under the guru-like tutiledge of Mr. David “Bluto” Brent.

Main Course: What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?
We had this question over a year ago, you bastard quizzlet. And I will defer to my previous, and still funny, answer. I may just have to find another source for the weekly questions if this sort of redundancy keeps up. Or get a girlfriend.

Dessert: Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.
One in which I’m unconcious.

The woman who writes the quizzlet questions is on vacation, apparently. Which is fine – because I’d usually rather rub a salted piece of pork in my eye than answer some of the gems she comes up with. So what’s a guy to do? I’m brain-dead today after a rowdy Bruins game last night with the GoonSquad, so I’ll just rattle off a few fun facts regarding this weekend’s festivities.

If you’re coming to the Big Haunt 2, and I know a lot of you are, please carpool. For flip’s sake designate a driver. Concord is a haul, and the Po-Po will be out in full force. We’ll have plenty of food and non-alcoholic options on hand. And respect the neighbors. There aren’t many of them, but stay off their lawns and don’t scream your heads off coming or leaving. And certainly don’t drive your shitty SUV into their living rooms.

But to keep things Quizzletty, I will pose a question to all of you: What, in your fevered recollection, is the absolute worst Halloween costume you ever rocked?

Appetizer: Do you button shirts top-to-bottom or bottom-to-top?
Top to bottom. Doesn’t everybody? You know how women’s buttons are on the left, and men’s buttons are on the right? Maybe it’s the other way around. I’m a little confused because I wore my yellow kimono today. I’ll get back to you/beaten up on my walk home through Downtown Crossing.

Soup: What is your favorite sandwich?
Those deep-fried Monte Cristos you get at Bennigans. Take a grilled cheese sandwich, and use mayonnaise to grill it instead of butter. Then dip it in batter and deep fry it. Then remove your heart from your chest, roll it in rough sawdust and place it back into your cavity like some sort of indecisive Mola Ram.

Salad: What was a family project you helped work on as a child?
My father built a sweet treehouse for me when I was a yute, and I suppose I must have helped a little bit. He took two computer crates, back when computers were the size of refrigerators, and stacked them on top of each other next to a 15 foot dead tree. He cut a door in the front, and then a ladder went up through both crates – so it was like a two-story apartment. Then he covered the crates in split logs so it looked like a cabin. The ladder continued up through the top of the upper crate and onto a big rickety deck he built on top of the stump. It was amazing and I will see if I can find and scan an old photo (update: found and scanned). There has never been a better treehouse in which to play doctor. Thanks, Kathy, wherever you are. Although I remember killing a lot of frogs in there, too. Jesus, that’s hot.

A note on the photo – that’s my Grandmother, Claire, in the aviators holding the Yorkie (Buffy) and her friend Pat standing behind me – we’re a good 3 stories off the ground. Pat was a nice lady, but looked an awful lot like Roger Ebert. The photo was taken in Manotick, Ontario circa 1981. The beginning of my obsession with Raiders of the Lost Ark was only weeks away.

Main Course: When have you acted phony?
I was privvy to a nasty secret once, between a group of very close friends, that I pretended to be completely ignorant of for several days. I eventually, and for very good reason that I can’t go into, spilled the beans and subsequently created a string of incidents that got very ugly indeed. I’m sure you’ve all been there. And probably with the same horrible, cum-dumpster of a girl. How is she, by the way? What’s the matter? She can’t call nobody?

Dessert: Do you write letters or postcards? If so, to whom?
Your Mom. I send checks to people who send me bills. So there’s a bit of give and take there. It’s sorta like a relationship with a pen pal, you could say. A dirty penpal, who always wants something from you. I am in an unhealthy, abusive pen pal relationship with NStar.

Appetizer: Who is someone you would consider to be a calm person?
I have thought about this for a few minutes now, and no one is really coming to mind. How about a bomb squad technician? A skydiving instructor? A police officer? Anyone who risks their life daily for a paycheck. I only risk my sanity.

Soup: What was your last “gut feeling” about? Were you right?
There’s a really simple anser to this question, but there are elements of my personal life that I don’t like to talk about on the site. So I’ll avoid the best answer and reply as follows. There was never any question in my mind that Michael Stipe was as gay as an Easter parade.

Salad: List 3 words that you really don’t like how they sound.
I hate the word concatenate. It’s tough to say, and I have to say it frequently at work. I’ve also never been crazy about chaff. And there is a town next to Guelph, where I went to University, named Puslinch (pronnounced Pee-you-zlinch) that always made my skin crawl.

Main Course: What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use?
Whatever’s around, really. I honestly don’t spend much money on ‘product’. I have also been known to wash my hair with whatever bar of soap I’m using. It’s my daily little prison fantasy ritual. Indulge me, and also please send 2 cartons of cigarettes.

Dessert: If you had a guardian angel, what would you name it?
Kevin Costner, of course. There’s never been a better Bodyguard.

Appetizer: Name 3 qualities that are important to you in friendship.
Non-conditional assurance is my favorite quality by far. I love being able to call someone up and ask them – “Realistically, how much of an ass did I make out of myself last night?” And then getting a reply somewhere along the lines of “I don’t think anyone even noticed your latex mask or the circus midget, so relax.” I have a few friends who will deny everything, and then I have a few friends who’ll make sure it’s all on film.

Soup: If you could dream about anything tonight, what would the subject be?
I’d settle for a good night’s sleep, period. I haven’t dreamed (or remembered dreams) in 10 years. When I was younger, I had a recurring dream that I was Spiderman. When I’d wake up, after swinging around the city and battling Rhino, I’d be so disappointed. Especially since I’d have usually shot “webbing” all over my sheets.

Salad: Do you usually personally thank people who do favors for you?
Absolutely. Because I’m a user, and I want them to continue to do things for me for a long time. I find that pink rose stationary with a lipstick mark and a wax seal tends to work the best.

Main Course: If you were out of town, who would you ask to housesit?
I have a couple of roomates, one who is never home and one who kicks the door off its frame when he forgets his keys. So I’d need to outsource. What about a sitting service manned by people under house arrest? Local law enforcement could oversee it. They have to house sit responsibly, because they’ll have ankle bracelets alerting the cops to shoot to kill if they leave the premesis. Don’t forget to water the plants.

Dessert: How do you react to practical jokes when they’re played on you?
I think I’m having one played on me right now. I waited all morning for some company to come fix my washer & dryer. I called them around 2 to ask where they were, and it turns out the technician had called in sick for the day – yet never actually called anybody. I told the woman he didn’t really call in sick then. Hopefully, he’s now ‘called in unemployed’.

Appetizer: When was the last time you visited a hospital?
I had to head down to MGH last December when a seemingly routine cold turned into the worst case of strep I have ever had – or could even reasonably imagine. I lay in bed for three days straight, with a total body buzz, before finally admitting to myself it wasn’t going to go away by itself and that I had to pull myself together before the long drive up to Canada for Christmas. When they called my name in the emergency room, I walked up to the front and was greeted by a doctor who asked me what the problem was. Not being able to speak, I pointed to my throat. He said they’d take a swab and I’d have to wait an hour or so for the reults. I shook my head and pointed urgently inside my open mouth (if I had a nickel). He glanced inside my yapper, made an alarmed face, scribbled out a perscription and told me to get my ass to CVS.

Soup: On a scale of 1 to 10 how ambitious are you?
I don’t have any trouble with the ambition side of things – it’s the follow through. Do I want to have a million dollar home on Lake Winnipesaukee? I think yes. Do I want to leave my apartment this weekend? You must be kidding.

Salad: Make a sentence using the letters of a body part.
Carrie Otis Craves Ketamine.

Main Course: If you were starting a club, what would you name it?
It would be called the Ding Dong Club. A bunch of guys would sit on the floor, roll around punching eachother in the shoulders and just acting like complete ding dongs. Why haven’t I thought of this sooner? Well, either that or something having to do with rug-hooking.

Dessert: What color is the carpet/flooring in your home?
I have recently taken up all of the carpet in favor of the nice hard wood floors underneath. My once tasteful rugs had become cat hair collectors and eye-sores. But you can bet if you were to lick one they’d still be full of taste. I think that if you were to moisten my living room carpet and then wring it out, you’d be left with a couple pints of enough formerly dried booze, dirt and DNA to reanimate Foster Brooks.

Appetizer: Name something someone has done lately that impressed you.
I was momentarily impressed with Sean Penn’s shotgun-equipped foray into New Orleans. Until I found out that the photographers who snapped those famous pictures were on his payroll. Maybe he can take his shotgun with him on his next self-serving visit to Tikrit and put it to some good use vivisecting his precious insurgents.

Soup: Do you have any relaxing rituals? If so, what are they?
Would gooning a six pack of Canadian count? My friends and I got so ‘relaxed’ in Newport last weekend that we’re all taking this weekend off. If I had gotten any more relaxed Saturday night I’d be playing golf with Farley and Belushi right now.

Salad: If you could spend the winter somewhere else, where would you go?
I like the winter. I am tired of the eternal sweating I’ve endured this summer, and I’m looking forward to dusting off my space heater, cling-filming my windows and saving a fortune on dry cleaning for the next 6 months. Bring it on you frosty bitch.

Main Course: When and where was the last time you had dinner out?
I had jalapeno poppers followed by the Bobby Orr steak sandwich Monday night at The Fours with Mike and Joanna. I normally go for the Flutie, but as I said to the waitress, it’s nearly hockey season and the Orr seemed more appropriate. She agreed. She also offered that next time maybe a tip would be appropriate, too – if I want to drink there before Bruins games in the coming months. I’m only kidding. I punched her out and ran before the check even came.

Dessert: If you had a boat, what would you name it?
PyeSeas II. That was the name of the 25 foot cruiser we had when I was a kid. My last name coupled with my father’s astrological sign. Incidentally, the boat was also imaginative, sensitive, compassionate, kind, selfless, unworldly, intuitive, sympathetic, secretive, vague, weak-willed and easily led. Uncanny.

Appetizer: Who is the easiest person for you to talk to?
Probably my Grandmother, because she never remembers a word. I could tell her the house has been surrounded by killer purple space monkeys bent on the domination of Earth, and 5 minutes later she’d be making me a grilled cheese.

Soup: If you could live in any ancient city, which would you choose?
Based on all the filthy, deviant sex portrayed on the new HBO series, Rome – uh, Rome. Friends, Romans, countrymen – show me your titties.

Salad: What is the most exciting event you’ve ever witnessed?
I saw a woman get fatally hit by a car in the old Combat Zone around 1989. What I was doing in the Zone at 14 years of age is anybody’s guess. But if you were to guess ‘procuring a fake ID’ you’d be correct. I was also at the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD taping, and will probably be all over the new live Pixies DVD. Anyone who knows me is well aware of my vast library of stories. On a related note, stay tuned for the re-launch of my old “30 Tall Tales” feature. In the meantime you can read about Evil Inka and the Attack of the Spider Monkeys.

Main Course: If you were a celebrity, what would you do for a publicity stunt?
I’d grow a goatee, don some aviators and travel around New Orleans in a rickety boat – in 2 feet of water. I’d also make sure the boat was crammed with my entourage, including a photographer who would capture my impromptu selfless deeds for prosperity. There’d be so many people on board, casually documenting my narcissistic rescue efforts, that the boat would eventually sink – leaving me to look quite the soaking wet twat. Oh darn – someone beat me to it.

Dessert: What do you consider the ideal age to have a first child?
My parents had me when they were both 33, so I am using that as my benchmark. Which means I have exactly a year and a half to find my baby’s momma. Is that enough time to fall in love, copulate, spawn, fight and have a restraining order filed? I think yes.

Here is the message I found when I went to grab the Quizzlet questions this morning from my usual source: Please take the time you usually spend on your Feast to reflect upon your blessings and pray for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.


Is it wrong that I’m aroused by that scenario?

It’s hard to wax humorous in the midst of an anarchic natural disaster like Katrina. Here are some of my favorite headlines from the last several days. I have been watching the events unfold with an unhealthy persistence:

– How the hell do you lose Fats Domino?
– 2 women were given C-sections by doctors who had no water to wash their hands before or after the surgeries. I’m pretty sure neither of the babies will be named Katrina. Shaniqua, maybe.
– Normally, this is called Mardi Gras I thought.
– Patients are dying in droves because all of the hospital’s life support machines are off (there’s no power) but luckily there’s a sniper across the street to help speed up the process. Headshots are cheaper than healthcare.
– Fats! We were worried sick. Aaron Neville’s mole was also airlifted to safety.

Now that I’m officially going to hell, please donate $20. They make it really easy. I am seriously wearing the T-shirt I bought at Pat O’Brien’s today as an additional sign of inappropriate solidarity. Katrina is a filthy whoore. Hang in there people. Help is on the way.

Appetizer: Which season do you most look forward to?
The fall – no question about it. I hate the humidity of summer, and NorthEast winters can be nothing short of brutal. The fall is a reasonable mix of the two extremes – like metrosexualism. Boston is similar to Toronto in that there are usually about 3 weeks out of the year where you’re actually comfortable – the rest of the time you’re either too hot or too cold. In addition to leaf peeping, fall offers us football, Halloween and hockey. Usually, hockey. Don’t get me started.

Soup: What day of the week is usually your busiest?
It depends on which squeaky wheel needs the grease, and how many vats. I enjoy my new position, but the daily tasks are intangible in many ways. Who is pissed off, who is confused, who is in danger of becoming pissed off or confused? It reminds me of the pursuit angles they teach you in football – anticipate where the relationship is going. I head more angry clients off at the pissed-off-pass than John Wayne did cattle rustlers.

Salad: Would you consider yourself to be strict when it comes to grammar?
Very. I have an English degree, afterall. It becomes a pain, however, as I’m now in charge of proofreading every proposal, press release – actually any piece of sales or marketing material that leaves this office. But I’ve decided how to get this off my plate, quickly. Slip in the odd Polish joke.

Main Course: Who has a birthday soon, and what will you give them as a gift?
Mike’s b-day was this week and we had a BBQ for him at my sister’s place last night. He actually gave me a present – he ripped and burned his father’s Dean Martin celebrity roast DVD for me. These were the precursor and inspiration for the roasts you see nowadays on Comedy Central. Politically uncorrect, stuffed will all my favorite rat-packers and 70’s celebrities and drop stone cold dead funny from beginning to end. So thanks, Mike, for helping me celebrate your birthday with Dino.

Dessert: If you could have any new piece of clothing free, what would you pick?
Another suit. I think I’m addicted now. Something in a pinstripe or maybe even a SeerSucker, perhaps? I could then get a job which requires me to wear a Seersucker everyday – CSI: Martha’s Vineyard. Seamus could be my wacky partner who never gets to drive.