Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Briefly describe your living room.
You can have a look for yourself right here. Note the mugshot of a young Sinatra (it’s the same photo you can see on the wall of Tony Soprano’s office) then there’s the singing Dean Martin doll, the Tragically Hip tour pster over the fireplace, way too many DVDs, The Bullitt poster to the left of the fridge, a James Dean, a DeNiro and finally Tony from Big Country strumming away on the television. The middle of the big white couch is where I write the majority of my entries here – so welcome to my world. And if you want to see what the place looks like when the Concord or Welland boys come to visit, we can do that too.

Soup: List 3 things you’d like to accomplish before the end of 2005.
I’d like to complete all of the half-finished websites I have ‘in development’. A friend recently called me a ‘fanatical collector of domain names’ and she’s right – but there’s a few good ideas lurking amongst all the false starts, and I need to focus them into some revenue streams. But likely I’ll just start building filthy clown porn sites because according to my server logs, that’s an unexploited niche. Picture a red rubber nose that can also be repurposed as a ball gag, and you’ll see where I’m going with this/throw up.

Salad: When you’re online, what do you spend the most time doing?
Managing PPC accounts, checking on client rankings, hunting for custom made jewelry and looking for that perfect Boston Interior Designer. Nate sent me this site today where people combine band names. I submitted my own this morning and we’ll see if it gets published. “Pack it up, pack it in, let me rock it like the Finns…“

Main Course: What would the title of your autobiography be?
“Pull the Trigger”. I need to stop spinning my wheels about so many things in my life. I am getting better. I’ve pulled the trigger a few times recently. And if you’re giggling about the potential for euphamisms here, Punch the Clown instead.

Dessert: What time do you usually go to bed?
Far too late. If I don’t get 7 hours, I’m luggage. And I’ll never learn. But I have a sleeping disorder and many episodes of the brilliant Rescue Me to catch up on. If anyone has a bottle of sleeping pills they’re not using, properly and responsibly dispose of them by sending them directly to me.

Appetizer: Name 3 people whom you admire for their intelligence.
The Hanson brothers. Mmmmmbop? Try evil geniuses… bop. Notice how you never see the three of them and Al Zarqawi in the same room? I rest my case. And I like those Trivial Pursuit guys, too.

Soup: What’s the last food you tried that you really didn’t care for.
Tombeno made me try a bite of this ridiculously huge lobster when we were in Montreal. I wanted to be a good sport (he was so excited). I wanted to be open-minded and adventurous. But I ended up retching and gagging as soon as my teeth sank into the minging, fishy mess. What is it about seafood that people love so much? Please explain this to me. If I were frigging shipwrecked, I’d still be wandering around the island looking for a burger or chicken fingers off the children’s menu.

Salad: If you could rename your street, what would it to be called?
Pyeton Place. With less beehives. Okay, you got me. More beehives.

Main Course: When was the last time you were genuinely surprised?
At my inability to write anything funny today. IPA is my kryptonite, apparently.

Dessert: Share a household tip.
Mold always grows on the lower windowsills of my building in the North End. Said sills also happen to be my bedroom. Now… whether this is due to the proximity to street level, or my Dahmeresque disposal methods, is beside the point. Regardless, Clorox bleach kills mold dead.

Appetizer: If you could make an even trade for any car, what would you drive?
I gave my car to charity a few years ago. I never used it, and it was dilapidating rapidly. Wow, that was fun to say – rapidly dilapidating. I live about as downtown in Boston as you can get and can walk to work. But a new car is definitely on my horizon. If I traded in what I have now (nothing) for the equivalent, I’d obviously end up with a ’72 Gremlin or a uni-rickshaw.

Soup: Take your phone number and add each number – what’s the total?
Let’s see here. The total is… carry the one… the total is a total waste of time. Which is perfectly at home here on Pye in the Face, but this is not your best work, Quizzlet. For shame.

Salad: When were you last outside, and what were you doing?
Two hours ago I was walking to work across Boston common in a black, long-sleeved button down and jeans. It’s casual Friday, afterall. Unfortunately, it’s also mid-July and strolling through Beantown is like being on the surface of Mars in a fur-lined snowsuit. So I’ll be hitting the gym for a shower in the not too distant future. It’s quite Presidential to walk into your office and then spend the next 30 minutes sweating all over interns, though.

Main Course: What’s your favorite restaurant, and what do you usually order?
I have a bunch, and I’ve already mentioned Greek Food below, so I’m gonna go off on a tangent and talk about Gagsters. I drove over to the American side of Niagara Falls to hit this place about 7 years ago, and it’s been on my mind fricking daily ever since. Huge, delicious square pizzas that can feed 6 people, tasty towers of Buffalo wing baskets with the best sauce I have ever tasted (so you know it’s vinegary). If you’re ever in the neighborhood (East Market Street) get your fat ass in there and make it a little bit fatter.

Dessert: Name 3 things in which you occasionally indulge.
Greek food is God. I will snarf down Saganaki and Dolmadakia like a blistered, twitching crack whore. I also have a weakness for NHL 2K5 and Hogan Knows Best at the moment. And here you thought I was going to say ‘crack’ or something. “Say your prayers, eat your feta and stay out of the meth labs, brother!”

There will be no Quizzlet this week, out of respect and condolence for the citizens of London, England. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this very trying time. Please pray for me so that I don’t have a stressful weekend thinking of the London terrorist attacks, even though I am 3 thousand miles away in Boston. Or accidentally walk past a barber shop and hear an Omarion record.

Sorry this is late, kids. I’m in the Canadian wilderness on a 56K dial-up with a dodgy cellphone signal to boot – and I’m loving it more than if I’d just watched Justin Timberlake choke on an errant McMuffin. Being ‘connected’ on vacation defeats the purpose. So I’m going to wrap this up quickly so I can get back to the real motivation behind any well-deserved holiday – helping my father drywall the basement. Besides, a mink will probably break wind and interrupt this connection – so let’s just get on with it.

Appetizer: Where do you plan to go on vacation this year?
I’m already here, baby. My parent’s new digs in Portland, Ontario Canada. I’m up here with my sister and my buddy Jim, and we’re having a Flinstone-gay old time. Tonight is the boat jamboree where all the neighbors meet in a nearby cove, hook up their brightly-decorated bateaus and then drink their faces off like upper-middle class pirates. My father has fashioned a huge maple leaf out of Christmas lights and a corrogated steel pipe and attached it to the front of our vessel, “The Filthy Whooore”. Gaudy, gaudy patriotism. Brings a tear to the eye and a verp to the throat.

Soup: What color is your bedroom? What would you change?
It’s the multiple colors of many frayed movie and concert posters. I’ve been in the same apartment for the last 6 years, and DeNiro’s face just doesn’t hold the same decorative charm that it did when I was 25. I’m days away from ripping them all down and bringing my bedroom kicking and screaming into the fact I’m now in my thirties, and that the fastest way to woman’s heart is not actually through a fraternity house basement.

Salad: Do you have a bumper sticker on your vehicle? What does it say?
I covered the loathesome stickery topic only recently, and will definitely defer. Deferring…. now.

Main Course: What’s the worst pain you’ve ever been in?
I broke my leg whilst playing basketball at a keg party in 1992 and then had to have my bones reattached via a metal plate and 5 pins. So I didn’t really have to think about this one too long. It’s a funny story which I’ll get around to telling properly someday. Must press on, as I’ve just spotted a gassy mink through the bay window.

Dessert: Who is your favorite celebrity and why?
Dean Martin. His singing voice was matched only by his acting ability and incredible sense of humor. Unbeknownst to most, he wasn’t actually a booze-bag – his drunken persona was a big part of his charm and he milked it for all it was worth. When Frank and Sammy were howling at the moon, Dean had usually already been in bed for hours. Anyhew, back to the labor – Happy 4th of July, everyone, if I don’t get a chance to check in again. P.S. – R.I.P. Luther.

Appetizer: What time do you usually wake up each day?
I wake up at 8:50. That may sound ‘late as all heck’ to some people, but I stay at the office until 8pm on average – so don’t envy me too much. Also feel free not to envy the fact that I share my bed with a cat 91% of the time. The good news is I can stay up later than the average Joe and still get a fair amount of sleep. Although I do spend that extra time watching British TV. With a cat.

Soup: When was the last time you bought groceries?
During my brief stint on the Atkin’s diet I hit the Golden Goose in the North End and bought enough salami and American cheese to constipate Jabba the Hutt. I buy food on a ‘need-to-eat’ basis and don’t keep much in the house. Which, as you can imagine, results in one of the unhealthiest diets known to man. So now, in addition to sharing Jabba’s gastrointestinal traits – I’m also beginning to look like him. “Me yarga. Milona na di kato?”

Salad: How many books have you read so far this year?
I haven’t. Not a single one – and I’m embarassed. I could write a book based on the first half of this year though. It would be entitled “How to Hook-up Digital Cable and Tivo in Your Bedroom and Never Read a Book Again”. I see a theme developing this week. And a severe lull in brain activity from watching 2 episodes of Big Brother every night this week.

Main Course: What is something you consider to be very elegant?
I was recently interviewed by the Boston Globe for an article being written about Boston bloggers (it runs on July 3rd and believe me – I’ll link to it for you). I work near the Public Garden, so I decided to walk over and take the call there. As I strolled around speaking to the woman interviewing me I noticed an area on the pond’s shore that had been fenced off. A large sign read “Swan Nesting Area” and a huge white (you guessed it) Swan sat on her nest, her head nuzzled in her breast to fend off a light rain that had started. I thought that looked quite elegant. Anyone know any good Swan jokes?

Dessert: Who taught you how to drive?
When I was 15, my father took me to the CCHS parking lot and told me to let it rip. I drove around in circles, spun out in the snow and basically had the time of my life. I don’t think I’d ever driven a car up until that point. I have some friends who’d racked up DUIs by the age of 15, but I was a late bloomer. My mother and an auxillary cop driving instructor fine-tuned my driving skills in the weeks prior to my test, and frequent blog contributor “The Len” taught me how to drive a stick over near White’s Pond a year later. So, so hot.

Appetizer: What’s one word or phrase that you use a lot?
I use a lot of words from the British vernacular that I picked up when I lived over there, and that I continue to learn from watching far too many UKNova torrents. Some can translate over here, and some just sound completely out of place. It’s not the same as affecting an accent – that’s another kettle of fish of which I was never guilty of. Rather, I find myself saying UK-based words and phrases out of the blue. My favorite is ‘sorted’. Which basically means ‘problem-solved’. I have finally weaned “at the end of the day” out of my system because every time I heard myself say it, I contemplated suicide. It drives me crazy like a Fine Young Cannibal.

Soup: Name something you always seem to put off until the last minute.
There isn’t any one thing. I have productivity spurts and valleys. On a good day, I’ll crank and get every little task/chore done that I can possibly conceive. On a bad day, I may soil myself.

Salad: What was the last great bumper sticker you saw?
If you feel the need to desicrate your car with stupid stickers, then I have no interest in reading them because I’ll already know you’re a gaudy moron. And if you’re still driving around with a Kerry/Edwards sticker on your car, like most of Massachusetts, for God’s sake pull the cock out of your mouth already. But for research’s sake, I ran a few quick searches. I think you’ll agree – this proves my point quite well. But I’m guilty of that level of nerdery myself, sometimes. The other night before the Pixies concert, my sister, myself and some friends were sitting in a pub across the road from Agganis. I didn’t want to be “that guy” in the Pixies tour shirt at the Pixies show – so I was rocking an obscure Frank Black solo T-shirt I didn’t think anyone else would be wearing in a million years. Then, of course, this kid came up to me wearing it too and said “Nice shirt man!” And I realized I was worse than “that guy”. I wasn’t the kid wearing the Star Trek shirt. I was the kid wearing the Deep Space Nine shirt.

Main Course: If you could be invisible for one day, how would you spend it?
I would quietly rob a string of banks, pausing only to hit the odd health club locker room along the way. Was I the only kid whose mother used to take him into the women’s locker room at the public swimming pool? What a fond, unhealthily-advanced childhood memory. I couldn’t tell you the name of my 1st grade teacher, but I can recount to you in explicit detail my weekly afternoons spent eye-level with 2 dozen wookie-bushes at the Nepean Sportsplex.

Dessert: Describe your hair.
It will be sorely missed.

Appetizer: Name one thing that made you sad this week.
Let’s just say, I’m likely funeral-bound tomorrow and we’ll leave it at that. Safe trip, Mr. H.

Soup: What was the last object (not person) you took a picture of?
Before we left Canada last weekend I took a photo of the deck stairs my father and I built together. It was nice working with the old man on something after so many years. I don’t think my parents realize how much having this house means to me. The fact that they’re already talking about how much they can sell it for was my first clue.

Salad: Who do you talk to when you need help in making a decision?
I try to make good, quick decisions and then stick to them. I loathe prolonged indecision and I try not be guilty of it myself. Another personality trait which was forged working in student bars. But a good one, as opposed to the penchant for drink and the encyclopedia-esque knowledge of hip-hop lyrics. One quick unrelated thing – watch this. And here’s another bunch of gallery additions.

Main Course: If you were a weather event, what would you be, and why?
I’d be a Willow Wisp. There was a strange cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid about this group of animals that lived in a forest. One of the characters was Willow the Wisp – and I eventually asked someone and figured out what the heck it was supposed to be. It’s like a bog gas pocket that burps up from the ground when it gets cold and many people throughout history have mistaken them for ghosts. And Michael Moore.

Dessert: Suggest a website that you think your readers would enjoy visiting.
I link to interesting sites all the time. As do all “bloggers” – so this may be the most redundant quizzlet question to date. Can’t you ask me more questions about movies, you silly little freak? Sigh… Let’s divert this question to the readers. This should be a trainwreck of inappropriacy if ever there was one.

Appetizer: What is the Total number of DVDs you own?
About 200. I could have many more if I borrowed and burned – but I like collecting the real deal – jewel box, cover art and all. The format will be around for a long time, so it’s a good investment which I enjoy hoarding.

Soup: What is the last film you bought?
Dog Day Afternoon. Pacino playing gay back when it was more likely to ruin your career than get you an Oscar. Of course, he also did Cruising shortly after. It was also one of only 5 movies that Johns Cazale (Fredo) made before he died of cancer. What a run the guy had though – if you’re only going to make a few movies in your lifetime, make sure The Godfather and Deer Hunter are on the list!

Main Course: What is the last film you watched?
I saw Revenge of the Sith last weekend, but wasted 3 hours downloading and watching Hostage Wednesday night. In retrospect, I should have my genitals held hostage in a tight, painful metal cuff of some sort as pennance.

Dessert: Name five films that mean something to you & why.
I have to get to work, but you can see full write-ups on all five on my old site by following these links: Rushmore – Goodfellas – Waiting for Guffman. Add Blade Runner, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Blazing Saddles to the list as well. If you need to ask why, it’s because you’ve never seen any of them. Have a great long weekend. I’ll be sleeping.

Appetizer: Whose intelligence do you find intimidating?
Definitely the artificial I, Robot/Terminator variety. I’m not easily intimidated by other, lesser humans. So luckily I’ll be long dead before the robots come. But heed my warning future generations – they will come.

Soup: Name something you’ve done that surprised yourself.
I had a mediocre party last weekend. That’s definitely never happened before. I thought I was immune to the bad party – I’ve been throwing killer benders since I was 16. It wasn’t an awful soiree. Everyone there had a good time. But it was certainly sub-par by my standards and it’s been bothering me. Sure, the weather really kicked it in the schnutz, but I thought my magical par-tay powers would somehow transcend Mother Nature. Mother Nature to David: “Grow the fuck up”.

Salad: List 3 people whom you have only “met” online, but consider good friends.
Three? People can actually have up to three online friends that they’ve never met? Here’s where my much bemoaned nerdery gets a hall pass. I have been blessed with many friends – but I’ve been in the same room with all of them. Thank God it’s not as bad as I’d originally thought. Although I did get awfully excited last night when I went to see Kingdom of Heaven with Art & Monster, and we stumbled across the Boston premiere of Return of the Sith. But with Lenny Clarke and Darth Vader in the same lobby – can you really blame me?

Main Course: Where is the dirtiest place you’ve ever been?
What is dirty? Is dirty a public restroom in downtown Newark? Is dirty a tasty martini with olive brine added instead of vermouth? Is dirty having to replace your red rubber ball gag due to excessive teeth mark induced disintegration? I don’t rightly know. One can only keep striving for the truth.

Dessert: What is the best example of “perfection” that you can think of?
I had to preempt the laugh of a child, Surfer Rosa and Saganaki for Vida Guerra’s hindquarters. Aristotle once said, “Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work”. Well WORK… Work it girl! OK – I’ve quoted a RuPaul song. That’s akin to saying “Candyman” three times in front of a mirror – but instead of getting murdered by a black ghost, you just go gay. Uncannily, the antidote just happens to be Vida’s tush. That was a close one.

Appetizer: Name a restaurant you no longer visit because of a bad experience.
I really don’t have one. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to tick me off to that extent. I like food, food likes me. As long as no one gets in-between, things should go quite smoothly/non-violent. I worked in the service industry for many years and I think that usually heightens your patience. And drinking problem.

Soup: If you could own any building in existence, which one would you want?
I would like to do just that. Own any building in existence. I currently own none, so I’m not picky. A double-wide trailer, an adobe hut, a haunted bungalow where a triple murder was committed – anything is an improvement over zip, nada and zilch.

Salad: What’s your favorite commercial these days?
Thanks to Tivo, I don’t have to watch commercials anymore. Again, I have no good answer for you, quizzlet. If you haven’t already, make sure you check out this one, though.

Main Course: When did you last feel guilty about spending money?
I was recently paid $1,000 in a lump sum and had to spend all of it on bills to avoid a credit blemish. That hurt. A fresh gino in the bank account and it goes right out the door for charges you’ve already accrued. Bummer. And I had a unicycle on the brain, too.

Dessert: What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie and why?
Definitely Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you have to ask why, you’re either a moron or a Nazi.

Appetizer: Which keys do you have on your key chain?
Building, apartment, basement, suitcase, mailbox, office, grandmother’s house. All my other keys I keep in a locked briefcase stowed in the engine compartment of a scarab currently en route to Miami from Bogata.

Soup: What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
Shelving my second degree and moving to England. Jumping out of an airplane was a little nuts too. I’ve still never gotten those photos developed, with the exception of this one. I did it at an airfield in Maine with a friend that I made while living in England, so I guess the two spontaneous events were linked in an odd way. Those of you who actually met Gus will also remember another strange link – the fact that he was the “missing” one.

Salad: Who is the best cook in your family?
Bill Clinton waved to me this morning as his motorcade sped down Tremont Street – and I wanted to fit that in somewhere today. So I’d have to say that Bill Clinton is the best cook in my family. All he ever makes is popsicles, though. They taste like brie and are high in protein.

Main Course: If you were to write a “how-to” book, what would the title be?
It would be a sort of “Die Broke” meets “Who Moved My Cheese?” meets “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” entitled You Will Die Alone Beside A Trunk Of DVD Porn.

Dessert: Name a recent fad you’ve tried.
I tried the Atkins diet about a year and a half ago. But then I realized there’s really no substitute for exercise. I also realized I was beginning to smell funny and hadn’t gone to the bathroom properly in weeks. Normally, this is called going to visit my parents. But in this instance, I decided to accept the fact that bread was my little yeasty buddy. Not to be confused with that girl I met at HarpoonFest last year.

Appetizer: What was your first “real” job?
I assume by “real” quizzlet that you mean salaried. My first job was a paperboy, but my first “real” job was as a junior web developer for a now defunct Internet incubator. It was a low-paying, entry level job but the competition for it was still fierce. After I got home from the interview, (this was 1999) I fired up a strange program I’d found called “Flash” or something – and redid their entire website on my own web space. When the CEO of the company saw the site (I eventually forwarded the link to the underling who had interviewed me) he said two things. The first was “Jesus, that’s not our new site, is it?” The second was “Hire that kid”.

Soup: Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?
My roofdeck. A few years ago I went up there with a pen and a notebook for the afternoon and mapped out my first retail website. The logo, the design, the site map, most of the content – everything. My creativity was also probably enhanced by the strange tea my roomate had given me earlier, and the fact that I thought I was on Pluto.

Salad: Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…
…people tell me they’re embarrassed to be American.

Main Course: What values did your parents instill in you?
My mother is an all around good soul. She kept me on a short leash and gave me an even mix of discipline and support for which I’ll forever be grateful. My father, on the other hand, was more like the Tie Domi of the household, enforcing my mother’s will whenever I got a little too fucking cheeky. He’d skate onto the ice and goon me whenever I started crowding the crease. But he did have his memorable parental moments, and I’ll share one with you now. When I was about 6, my mother had a birthday party at which people from the neighborhood came over and did the usual. The next night my mother, who was doing home fashion parties at the time, went out leaving me alone with Gordo – and an enormous leftover chocolate cake which stood unguarded in the dining room. I couldn’t stop thinking about that damn cake, but I knew that in order to get to it I’d have to sneak past my father who was watching hockey in the living room. He’d have his back to me, so I decided to risk it. Unfortunately, I risked it about seven too many times. During my umpteenth sortie to sneak in, get a fingerful of icing and then scoot back to my bedroom, something went horribly wrong. A split second after I looked over my shoulder to make sure my father was facing the other way, he quietly ran up behind me. As I returned my attention to the cake, he grabbed both my ears and rammed my face firmly into the choclately goodness. “Nobody likes a thief. You want the fucking cake? Have the fucking cake”. There was a similar incident weeks later with chocolate pudding and the two messages reverberate through time to me even now – I am still incapable of stealing. Although in all fairness I haven’t been confronted with Jell-O pudding in a long while.

Dessert: Name 3 fads from your teenage years.
I was less susceptible to fads by my teens. I think a better question would have been to ask me about fads from my childhood. One thing I do remember from Grade 9 at Lorne Park Secondary School in Mississauga, 1988 and my first foray into the teen years, was that my clique wore nothing but clothing from Mark’s Work Wearhouse. We all had the same green workpants with the ends rolled up, the same fleece MountainGear tops and the same bad 1/2 buzzed on one side, 1/2 long on the other haircuts. We were far too young to be drinking, having relations, running from police – and we definitely way overshot the section of the eighties when it was cool to emulate Flock of Seagulls. So there you have it. If I were to wind back a little further into childhood, I’d have to discuss my unhealthy fascination with SeaMonkeys. That’s not a joke. Ask Janet.

Appetizer: What is a symbol that inspires you?
There’s a flag you can get – I looked for a photo online but unfortunately couldn’t find one for you – which is a combination of the Canadian and American flags. I’ve seen them flying both up North and down here, usually close to the border, and they always make me smile. The disconnect, animosity and ignorance from both sides towards the other tears me up a little bit as I feel a close affinity with both nations. But I can always take a little solace in Mark Steyn.

Soup: Name something that happened in your life you’d consider a miracle.
Does the $40 scratch ticket on New Year’s Eve 1993 count? Didn’t think so. I’ve had a great life thus far – but nothing really stands out as an Earth-shattering miracle. That’s a very strong word. Even the Goddamn Pope died. A family member just had a potentially very scary MRI scan come back negative – so I’m going to go with that.

Salad: How do you handle criticism?
With salad tongs. But seriously, folks – not all that well. If you ever run into me on the street, naked and covered with chocolate syrup and beestings – that’s me handling criticism. But you should really get a shower and a beekeeper’s uniform before leaving the house next time. What in the fuck is wrong with you?

Main Course: Complete this sentence: I feel alone when…
I am in a room by myself. But it’s only a matter of time until the voices in my head show up. I’ve saved thousands on therapy because I’ve embraced these voices, and besides – they always bring along some Doritos.

Dessert: Name one TV show you wouldn’t be caught dead watching.
I’m not one to talk, as I watch a lot of reality television. The easy answer would be something like Antiques Roadshow. But I friggin’ love Antiques Roadshow – so I’m in a bit of a pickle again. Let’s split the difference and say anything on Lifetime starring Meredith Baxter Birney. Unless they’re doing a biopic on one of the appraisers from Antiques Roadshow.