Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Describe your week in one word.
Paradoxical.

Soup: Tell about a funny practical joke that you’ve played on someone.
At Vermont Academy, the boys dorm was located right beside the main classroom building. Fuller Hall also had an auditorium and – most importantly – a bell tower. The tower could be accessed by climbing a spiral staircase which was located off a locked prop room in the auditorium. We brow-beat one of the band geeks who had a key to this room until they ‘lent’ it to my friend Mark. After morning-meeting, Mark unlocked the prop room and took a rope up into the tower. He tied the rope to the bell pull, dropped it out of the steeple, and we all began a long school day worrying that our little prank-in-progress would be discovered. But nobody noticed the dangling rope, and after lights-out we dropped a similar rope out of our third floor dorm window. Then Mark snuck outside (an expellable offence) while the rest of us played lookout on various floors. Mark darted across the lawn between the two buildings and eventually tied the two ends of rope together – providing us with full bell-ringing access from the comfort of our own room. We waited until about 3 a.m. and started ringing the bejeezus out of the damn thing – waking the entire campus. Eventually we noticed the maniacal headmaster sprinting towards the scene of the crime. We simply dropped the rope out of the window and went back to our respective rooms. As a variety of teachers started bursting through doors in an attempt to catch the culprits, 5 naughty schoolboys giggled furiously into their pillows. Jesus that last sentence sounds filthy.

Salad: – Name someone you had a crush on when you were a kid.
A Mississauga girl named Michelle. The crush teetered precariously on ‘morbid obsession’.

Main Course: If you were a member of royalty, what would your title be?
Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Or maybe Little Lord Fauntelroy.

Dessert: What colors are the clothes you are wearing today?
Dark blue jeans, cobalt blue jumper, pink thong. What are you wearing, dear readers? And will it be wrong to print out your descriptions so I can masturbate to them later?

Atlantic City was interesting to say the least. I made it back safely, and I’ll post some photos over the weekend. In the meantime, it seems the Quizzlet lady has recovered from her grave illness as I found the following questions in my mailbox this morning. Also, tonight is Jim’s birthday. Anyone who’d like to join the revelry, please give me a call.

Appetizer: What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
I’m notorious for liking some pretty bad movies, so I think anyone who knows me will take this answer with a big ol’ hunk of kosher salt. I do, afterall, own such classics as Tango & Cash, Evil Dead and Salem’s Lot. But to be honest, I didn’t have to contemplate this question for long. The worst movie I’ve ever seen is Fahrenheit 911. Not for reasons of poor cinematic craftmanship. Michael Moore is a talented director. The reason I hated this film is the way in which it was disguised – and worse yet, perceived – as an objective documentary. Triumph of the Will had less of an agenda. Please read this and then this, and I promise I’ll never mention this fetid pile of dung again.

Soup: Name something that reminds you of your childhood.
Photographs, a fear of wooden spoons and a plethora of mental scars. Speaking of scars, I’ve recently been asked several times, by different people, about the one on my eyebrow. While playing Starsky and Hutch at age 8 in Manotick, I slipped and fell whilst in pursuit of a dangerous criminal (Jennifer Snider). My head came flying down on a rusty trailer hitch of all things, and although I was fine I started bleeding like I’d been chainsawed. Jennifer’s older sister, Janet, was babysitting us at the time and the two of us decided to freak her out. I rang my own doorbell and was standing there absolutely soaked in blood when Janet opened the door and promptly screamed. It was the classic make-your-babysitter-think-you’ve-been-grotesquely-dismembered-whilst-under-her-care trick.

Salad: If you had to live in a large city, which one would you pick?
I would, and did, pick Boston. I could never live in the Urban Death Maze, and I don’t plan on heading back to Canada until I get my citizenship – although Vancouver is looking mighty attractive lately. I can only do what I do in a select number of cities, so my choices are fairly limited. As much as I’d love to move to Kentucky, where I could get an eight-story house for one month’s Boston rent, the only thing I could optimize there would be hate crimes.

Main Course: What’s a “big word” you like to use to impress people?
I used to run around with a guy named Andy Kirk when I’d go to visit my parents in Hong Kong. Andy worked as a bodyguard for some rich local, and was known absolutely everywhere to absolutely everyone. He showed my sister and I some of the greatest times of our young lives, acting as our personal tour guide over the Christmas holidays of 1994 & 1995. Doormen and club owners in WanChai, Central and Repulse Bay would look at us and say simply “Hello Mr Andy!” before letting our group cut the line and dodge the cover wherever we happened to be. It was an amazing way to see that mad island, and I’ll be forever grateful.

I still keep in touch with Andy, who currently lives in Manchester England, and a few years back he toured with Oasis as Noel Gallagher’s bodyguard. He IM’d me recently to tell me to get the Familiar to Millions tour DVD as he appears on it several times. Needless to say I ran out and got it, and sure enough – there’s Andy in a few scenes looking all big and bloody mean. Anyway, Oasis plays a great song called Acquiesce during the concert. I had never heard of it, as it was an obscure B-side to one of their later singles. Eventually I got around to looking up the meaning of the word – as prior to hearing the tune I had no idea it even existed. The simple definition is to “consent or comply passively or without protest.” So watch for me attempting to slip that word into conversations in the near future. And then beat me unmercifully when I do.

Dessert: Describe your hairstyle.
Tragic. I recently bit the bullet and had it cut after attempting for a few months to grow it out. When I was told last week that my hair resembled Bill Murray’s in Scrooged, I knew it was time to seek out that striped pole.

Here is what I found when I sought the quizzlet this morning:

“This week’s Friday’s Feast is cancelled due to my having a terrible sore throat, fever, and headache. Come back next week for Feast 40!”

What a friggin’ wimp. Anyway, the last time I started asking myself questions, I was strapped to a mattress and placed under observation for three days. So I invite you, dear reader, to supply me with quizzlet questions today. Post a comment, and I’ll get back to you.

Appetizer: Where do you go when you want to relax?
Nowadays, my apartment. But there have been two times in my life where I’ve had party-tastic roomates who nearly drove me insane. The first was five years ago up on Hanover Street, and the second was just recently. But my latest malevolence has moved on to Southie, and my apartment is back to being it’s inner-sanctum-self. Having to worry about when and if you’re going to be able to sleep, and who you’re going to find on your couch when you get home at night, is like being cut off at the knees. A man’s home is his castle! Or at least a modest serfdom.

Soup: Tell about something that made you laugh this week.
An Anglophile is defined as “An admirer of England and things English”. In terms of the suffix “phile” it’s among the more favorable classifications out there, Michael Jackson. So I was thrilled 6 months ago when I discovered this site. I’ve been downloading English television shows like it’s my job and I can’t get enough. I’ve watched all 5 seasons of Most Haunted, most of the Big Brothers and my latest fascination is Brat Camp. What happens is, truly awful little English teenage bastards are sent by their exasperated parents to a special camp in the wilds of Utah. They go from living in their ‘posh’ houses and screaming in their mother’s faces, to being up to their waists in snow and at the mercy of a group of ex-Marines and cowboys. It’s hilarious to watch these spoiled bastards get whipped into civility, but the show has a lot of heart, too. Hopefully they’ll port it to BBC America.

Salad: What is your favorite texture?
The last time I went around touching things for a lark, I wound up using cigarettes as currency for about six months. I’d love to say “lush velvet”, but the term “cotton thong” just keeps fighting it’s way to the surface.

Main Course: You’re publishing your autobiography. What’s the first sentence?
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, now is the winter I get hooked on Creme De Menthe.” Or how about “I am a sick man … I am a spiteful man… are you gonna eat that?” Maybe “Call me Ishmael. But my friends call me Joan”. All written entirely in purple crayon.

Dessert: Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? If so, how?
I’ve worked the door at Tiernans the last 5 years, but told them I was through when they asked me to do it again next week. Now you’re wondering – what am I going to do with my first free St. Patrick’s day in half a decade? Why, go to Tiernans, of course. As a civilian. And Sunday I’m headed to Emily’s for a gathering in the morning before hitting the Southie Parade. A very happy pogue mahone to us all!

Appetizer: Who is the one person you email more often than anyone else?
Work related clients usually. Personally, it really depends on what’s going on and who’s in the ‘sphere’ at a given time. I’m not a very chatty person. Oh, and then there’s my Tanzanian penpal, Ndugu.

Soup: So far, which year of your life has been the most enjoyable?
That’s impossible to say. I’ve always had myself just a rockin’ little good time. My University degree is nothing short of a Papal miracle, and the years since have been boozy and brazen. I have no regrets, though – I traveled the world, met many amazing people and got a lot out of my system. My wanderlust is satisfied and I can now focus on a career with a minimum of distractions. Sating wanderlust has a flipside, though – as I’m 31 and still have roomates. Ladies? Form a line to the left.

Salad: Name someone with whom you have lost touch but would like to reunite.
I am what Malcolm Gladwell refers to as a ‘connector’ – and therefore have a hard time falling out of contact with anybody. But if I do lose touch with someone, there’s usually a very good reason behind it. Like a 500-yard restraining order.

Main Course: What was the tastiest meal you had this past week?
A chicken pot pie at John Harvard‘s would have to take the cake. Tasty, flaky, chickeny goodness. Unfortunately I left my credit card there so I have to return tonight to get it. And I think there might just be another pot pie waiting for me at the end of that Thin Red Line.

Dessert: Use letters in your favorite color to describe your personality.
Ooooh! Let me go grab My Little Pony real quick and I’ll think about it on the way. Quizzlet, please.

Appetizer: Name something that makes you scream.
Cock & ball torture. Joining an online dating site with a cleft-lip, a wooden leg and a drinking problem before going out with 3 different women named ‘BoSoxGirl78’. Thrusting my face into a hot jet of steam and receiving 3rd degree burns. Base-jumping 20,000 feet without a parachute into a dumpster behind the Gillette factory. Shoving saxophone reeds under my fingernails and then drowning a puppy in a briny pickle barrel. Margaret Cho. God knows I won’t do any of those things again. Margaret – call me.

Soup: Who is a musician you enjoy listening to when you want to relax?
There’s no better CD in existence for relaxing/suicide/fornication than Grace by Jeff Buckley. I was washing windows the day that he died. Venditti yelled up the ladder “Hey! That fruitcake singer you like drowned”. He was right – and as I nearly fell backwards off the roof in shock, I realized my secret weapon (Jeff Buckley music) would forever be limited to that one album. And rohypnol.

Salad: What was the last book you purchased?
I haven’t done much reading since I hooked my computer up to digital cable in my bedroom. I used to read voraciously every night before bed. Now I watch Tivo’d episodes of Sanford and Son. Voraciously. While I’m on the subject, that is hands-down the funniest sitcom that’s ever been. Click here for a cool S&S soundbyte and synopsis. Or here for titties.

Main Course: If you could live one day as a historical figure, who would it be?
Sinatra. If you have to ask why, it’s because you’re gay.

Dessert: Talk about a time when you were lost.
I have a pretty poor sense of direction. I’ll admit it. On the way home from my last trip to Canada, I took a wrong turn at Albany right before the Mass Pike and drove my sister and I a good 45 minutes out of our way. Having already been in the car 7 hours at that point, I was not popular. I was, however, covered in cat hair and french fries. The moral of the story? My internal compass is Amelia Earhart-esque, especially with a kitten in my lap and a mouthful of potato products. This is going nowhere. Have a good weekend.

Appetizer: Name 2 things you do that you consider beneficial to your health.
If you live in Boston, you’ve been to Haymarket. “Caahn on the caawb! Foaah fer a dollaah!” In addition to being a T-Stop, it’s an open air collection of farm stands which are assembled late every Thursday night and remain until early Saturday evening. It’s primarily composed of fruit stands but there’s a flower guy who looks like Frank Stallone, a row of fish stands the stench of which would make Quint‘s eyes water and it’s the only game in town if you like to watch Asians fight over rotten kumkwats. Anyway, once or twice a month I go down there on Saturday morning and buy bags of carrots, apples and celery. I fire up my juicer like Jay Kordich and the aforementioned combination makes for a lovely, energizing bevvie chock full of vitamin C, potassium and Absolut. That still leaves 1 more thing, huh? OK – #2: actually leaving my apartment to walk to Haymarket.

Soup: If you made a New Year’s resolution, how’s it going so far?
My New Year’s resolution was to, over the next 12 (well, 10.5 now) months, to complete all of the half-finished websites I have floating around out there. There’s the dog sweater pattern site, the boston interior designer site, the halloween site, the personal injury attorney site, the free condom site, the boston bar site, the cigar humidor site, the mesothelioma site and about 5 others. So yeah, as you can see it’s going wicked-well.

Salad: Name something that has happened lately that bothers you.
Don’t get me started. First off – Trump fired Danny last week! He was the only one on the college team with any creativity, whatsoever. Then Brigitte went to America with Foofie-Foofie, leaving her poor fiancee Matteo with little more than a broken heart and some proscuitto. And to top it all off, Da Brat is the only Surreal mansion resident who got a VH1 development deal. And I thought that Tsunami shit made for a bad week.

Main Course: What is your favorite quote, and who said it?
I just covered this last week. So I’ll provide my second favorite instead – from the movie Rushmore. It’s funny cause it’s true:

“But here’s my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.” -Herman Blume (Bill Murray).

Dessert: What do you collect?
I collect MP3s, DVDs and emotional baggage. I’ll have you know that I once earned a collector’s badge in Boy Scouts for my sensational photo album full of Raiders of the Lost Ark trading cards which I still have. Complete set. The cards are in perfect condition and as I’m writing this I’m slowly realizing they are probably worth something. Which is good – because the admission that I still have this childhood artifact in my room will likely force me to start paying for sex.

Appetizer: What do you want for Valentine’s Day?
Receiving something on Valentine’s Day means that you have a significant other. Which I do not. Nor am I particularly shopping around at the moment. Sorry ladies, but you’ll have to get your daily dose of indifference elsewhere. I can, however, always count on a Valentine’s card from my Mother. I believe she may be trying to creep me out enough so I’ll get married. It’s working.

Soup: If you could change the color of something you own, what would it be?
I’d love to change my white leather couches back to white again. They’re comfortable and I love them, but they’ve been through the wars. Many scuffs, stains and general wear and tear have left them looking like giant eclairs covered in ants. Like gym socks stuffed with tennis balls and then rolled in jimmies. Like rolls of toilet paper stamped on by boots covered in nutella. Like a single section of a pan flute, increased 300 times by some sort of raygun and then hacked at with a shovel. You know what I’m talking about.

Salad: What’s your favorite day of the week and why?
Friday – hands down. Around 3 p.m. I get the angel and devil duking it out on opposite shoulders. The angel knows that if I go straight home after work and behave, the weekend will be productive and relatively inexpensive. The devil likes to remind me that although I’ll wind up broke, sleep all day and possibly wet myself – I’ll have a damn good time doing it. I recently paid for the angel to attend debate classes, and it’s the best money I ever spent. You’ll find me tonight, for example, playing video games or watching Tivo’d episodes of CSI. That sounds pretty pathetic to the casual observer, but believe me – I’ve lived a wonderful, wild life thus far and I’ve decided to start picking my battles more carefully. So be sure to come see me next weekend when the angel will be away visiting relatives in the outfield.

Main Course: What excuse do you use most often?
My father was always after me about the importance of not making lame justifications for things. Some of my friends still impersonate him by saying: “You know what those are David? Those are excuses!” He was relentless, and to this day I know intrinsically when I myself am about to make one, and the lame excuses of others stick out like sore thumbs and drive me mad. “I’m tired”. “I’ve been really busy”. And then there’s the catch-all that the British use: “I can’t be asked”. I can honestly say that a make a bare minimum of excuses for myself, and I certainly don’t have one that I use most often. Except that particularly effective one involving pubic lice.

Dessert: Name something or someone you feel sorry for.
I hate to patronize people, as I’m no bargain myself. I guess the easiest answer would be victims of the recent Tsunami in Asia. They never stood a chance, they never saw it coming and they certainly didn’t deserve it. That was some biblical shit, man. Oh, and Jan Michael Vincent.

Appetizer: If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?

My breed would be irrelevant as I’d be constantly holed up under a porch licking myself.

Soup: What does the color purple make you think of?

A crosseyed Oprah Winfrey. A people-eater. Some guy who lived on Porcupine Peak and continuously tried to diddle Strawberry Shortcake. The L.A. Kings. Bondage videos involving testicles and shoelaces.

Salad: Approximately how long does it take you to get ready each morning?

That depends on how many people I have to drive back to the high school.

Main Course: How many cousins do you have, and are you close to them?

I have 7 first cousins and 4 second cousins. My mother was an only child so I suppose that’s resulted in less than most. But when you’re trying to buy their love at Christmas because you only see them once a year – less is a good thing.

Dessert: Take your initials (first, middle, last) and come up with something else those letters could stand for. (Example: SFO = Sweet Funny Otter)

I wish my initials were S.G. and that I had never been given a middle name so that my answer could be Silly Goose! But since that’s not the case: Don Johnson’s Penis. Come on, you were all thinking it.

Appetizer: If you had a free subscription to any mag, which would you pick?

Didn’t we have an extremely similar question just recently? Yawn. No matter, I’ve changed my mind. It would be a disturbing hybrid of the new hardcore version of Hustler and Tiger Beat.

Soup: If you became famous, what would you choose as your stage name?

I’d use my real name. I have a blog – obviously I’m not too concerned with anonymity. But let’s talk about porn star names for a minute. Chime in with yours: you remember the drill – your first name is your first pet, your surname is the street you grew up on. That would make me “Apple Island View”. Not so catchy in the light of day. I think I’d go with Dick Hertz.

Salad: What ingredients make an awesome salad?

Cheese, cheese and cheese. I don’t care if it’s gorganzola, feta or even something you picked out from between your toes. The Cobb, the Greek – all lovely. I often carry bricks of gouda over to friend’s dinner parties in case they’re not hip to the practice. And when I tell them I’ve got a little gouda in my pants, they look at me with sad eyes and say, “please leave now”.

Main Course: What do you like most about your current job?

The ability to make or break online businesses based on my skills. SEO skills, Bowstaff skills, etc. We do more of the making, and less of the breaking, thankfully. We’re a small, cohesive unit who can have a massive impact on anyone who signs on. The marketplace is becoming flooded, however, and I fear it is not to last. And Yetis.

Dessert: Who is your favorite instrumental musician (not a singer)?

I’m gonna run with this one a bit. There have been 3 extremely influential guitarists in the past 20 years that I want to mention. The first being The Edge from U2. Like the band or not, when he plays you know it’s him – and it’s extremely hard to find a signature sound on an instrument that exists in such abundance and is so widely used across all musical genres. The second is Johnny Marr of The Smiths for much the same reason. Marr forever changed the way in which a generation of subsequent strummers approached the insturment. Extremely complicated chord progressions and rhythms. Marr’s anithesis, Joey Santiago, is my third choice. He is the polar opposite of Marr – came onto the scene with only a few years of experience under his belt, technically a very poor guitarist. But the fearless sounds that he managed to make have yet to be duplicated, although many have tried. Find the songs ‘Something Against You’ or ‘Vamos’ by The Pixies, lock yourself in a dark room and then crank the volume up to 10 if you don’t believe me. You know what? I am going to blare them both right now.

Appetizer: What is one quality you really admire about yourself?

My mother is a pussycat, while my father is a bit of an arsehole. I was once an even mix of the two personalities – each type has its own pros and cons. I was a tender and sympathetic young lad, but 3 high schools in 4 years changed that dramatically. In University I hovered somewhere in-between, but the past 5 years of inner-city living have pushed me further and further towards the dark side. I guess I admire my ability to embrace and appreciate the need to have a balance of good and evil in your personality. It’s essential for self preservation – and reminding yourself that while showing young girls your boxer shorts on the street is pretty hot, it can still get you arrested in most states.

Soup: What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use?

PineSol and Ajax. Alternately.

Salad: Describe your favorite movie scene. The one that gets to you every time.

There are several. The scene in Goodfellas where Liotta’s voiceover starts talking about how Jimmy has just decided to kill everyone involved with the heist. There’s a slow motion zoom on DeNiro, leaning against a bar engulfed in cigarette smoke while Sunshine of Your Love plays in the background. That always gives me a chill. Then there’s the scene in Blade Runner where Roy saves Deckard from falling off the building and then sits down in the rain to give him a strange Nexus 6 soliloquy: “I watched seabeams glitter in the dark off the Tanhauser Gate…” You don’t know what the hell the dying android is talking about – but you’re transfixed none the less. I could give you ten more. And then act them all out with legos.

Main Course: If you were a veggie, which one would you be, and why?

A brussel sprout. Because I’d have a much longer life expectancy.

Dessert: If you took a trip within 100 miles where would you go?

To my buddy Dave Vadenais’ restaurant in Sturbridge. A ‘friend’ and I went up there about a year ago for dinner, etc. and had a delicious time. Amazing food, super atmosphere and a great excuse to get out of the city. Also a convenient, out of the way town in which to bury said friend in a shallow grave when the date turns sour. Dave, what did you put in that salad, you silly goose?!

Appetizer: If you had a free password to an online service, which would it be?

One that combined stock-trading, music downloads, debt-consolidation and fantasy cartoon Star Wars porn. Leia wasn’t chained to Jabba to keep her from escaping. She was into that sort of shit.

Soup: Describe your bathroom (furnishings, colors, etc.).

Do smears count? It’s a tiny North End bathroom. Tub, sink, towel-rack. Purple crayon mark on one of the walls because Jim Fitzgerald thought that might be amusing one New Year’s Eve several years ago. And, get this, a toilet-brush! Feel free to come on by and check it out. Just follow your nose.

Salad: What does the shape of a triangle make you think of?

That other Mel Brooks Nazi pardody movie where all the gays had to wear pink triangles like the jews used to have to wear identifiers in WWII. Hitler: All I want is peace. Peace! Peace! [singing] A little piece of Poland, a little piece of France…

Main Course: Name 3 things or activities that you consider to be luxuries.

Being born North American. Being born rich. Being born without any sort of physical deformity. One out of three ain’t bad.

Dessert: What was the last really great movie you watched?

I’ve been on a tear lately. All great films. Hotel Rwanda made me realize that machetes are an excellent way to hack someone to death. The Aviator teaches us that in addition to being hilarious, obsessive compulsive disorders can help you amass huge financial fortunes. The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou – Bill Murray in a Speedo. ‘Nuff said.

Appetizer – Have you been sick this winter? What did you have?

July 4th weekend I came down with the most awful case of strep throat imaginable. I had old friends in town, and three nights of parties planned, so I grinned and beared it like a little tipsy trooper. Come Monday, after 4 straight late nights on the razz, I could hardly even speak. I dragged myself over to MGH’s emergency room and sat down to wait. I started watching Uncle Buck on a wall-mounted television from the paleozoic era, and before I knew it, John Candy had tearfully won over Macaulay Culkin’s older sister and the nurse was calling my name. The doctor sat me down and explained he’d need to take a swab and then have me wait for another hour or two while they determined if it was indeed strep. I shook my head, pointed at my lips and opened my mouth so he could see the carnage for himself. A look of horror and revulsion washed over his face as he reached for his prescription pad and then sent me on my way. I’ve been sick 3 times since then and have decided to start paying for chewing gum rather than hunt for it under tabletops.

Soup – What colors dominate your closet?

Black, grey and forest green. I misread the ‘dominate’ part and briefly thought you were going to try and make me admit that there’s also a leather mask, stirrups and a red ball gag in there. Thank God that didn’t happen.

Salad – How would you describe your personal “comfort zone”?

As finally not including Cheez Whiz & Jalapeno enemas. I’ve tried to kick them… but they call out to me in the night as I sweat in my bed. One day at a time.

Main Course – On which reality show would you like to be a contestant?

Is there one called “Systematically Kick Every Former Cast Member of the Real World in the Teeth?” Keep me posted.

Dessert – Which holiday would you consider to be your favorite?

Thanksgiving. Because I’m Canadian and I get to celebrate it twice. Stay tuned for the long awaited photos from November. I’ll get to them this weekend. Here’s a spoiler: We ate turkey and drank a lot of beer. But you didn’t hear that from me, OK?

Appetizer: Using only 5 words, describe how 2004 went for you.

Loving life but still broke.

Soup: Name something you did in 2004 that you’ll probably never do again.

Match.com. There’s a petting zoo at the Kimball’s in Carlisle if I ever get that sort of urge again.

Salad: What did you learn about yourself in 2004?

I’m quite soluble.

Main Course: What news event from 2004 will stand out in your memory?

Bush winning the presidential election. History will be kind to him.

Dessert: Name something you purchased in 2004 that you really, really like.

My HP Media Center PC. I could gush about it for hours.

This is going to be a short one. Not feeling very humorous today. Loads of work and holiday related stress harshing my mellow, man.

Appetizer: What is something that never fails to grab your attention?

Acts of terrorism, road flares, poutine, small shiny objects and barbed-wire thongs.

Soup: Who was the last person that gave you money?

My Dad wired me some cash in lieu of a birthday present earlier this month. He and my mother are currently spending their summer in a Florida trailer park, so it was a convenient solution. Especially since you can’t send deep-fried turkeys, methamphetamines or Jiffy Wine through the mail. The money went to Pixies tickets, and I’ll spare you any more gushing about how much I enjoyed those concerts. Thanks be to the ‘rents.

Salad: If you were a Smurf, what would your name be?

Where do I start? Here are a few possibilities: Pinty Smurf. Resenty Smurf. Canucky Smurf. Commitmentphobe Smurf. Sanford and Smurf. Tragically Smurfed. I need to stop.

Main Course: Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

Not really, although the classic description of a Sagittarius is me to a ‘T’. Still, I won’t be calling Dionne Warwick anytime soon. Christopher Walken’s Psychic Friends is more my speed.

Dessert: Have you seen any snow this year yet?

I saw a few flakes last week, but they melted instantly. The most snow I’ve seen this year was in a Quicktime movie my sister sent me of her snowboarding up in SugarBush. And I’d like to keep it that way.