Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Make up a word and give us its definition.

Balderdash is the best board game ever devised. If you’ve played it, you already know that the object is to try and bluff/fool your friends into picking your phony definition of a real, but little known, word. One night, senior year of high school, Mike, Kent, Nate and a few others were playing it around my kitchen table. I got the word ‘scumble‘ and defined it as “Any fight taking place in West Concord“. When that particular group would get together and play, the game would become about cracking up your friends. That was one of the hardest laughs I’ve ever had. But I don’t want anyone to think we spent our Friday nights sitting inside playing board games because that would be uncool. Not at all – Friday nights were for Dungeons and Dragons.

Soup: What is currently your favorite song?

I’ve previously stated that pound-for-pound, my all-time favorite song is There Goes The Fear by The Doves. And I imagine it always will be. The Pixies’ amazing rendition of Something Against You last night at Avalon would run a close second. But the album I’m currently playing the hell out of at work is Lou Reed‘s New York. I haven’t given it any attention for a decade, and it’s still brilliant.

Salad: What’s at the top of your Christmas wish list this year?

“My Christmas Wish List” in big, red crayon.

Main Course: Name a scent that reminds you of someone in your life.

Hi Karate always reminds me of a shop teacher I had in grade 7. The rumor was, that this guy had removed the inside of his pants pockets. And had once, while he was holding a piece of wood or a hammer or something, asked a student to reach into his pocket to get a tape measure – where they then found themselves grasping a semi-chubbed giggle stick. This story spread like wild-fire throughout our school, and I always felt bad for the man because he seemed absolutely harmless when I was locked in his office with him looking at Austrian pornography.

Dessert: Who is someone on television that you feel probably shouldn’t be?

Jon Stewart. He’s adored by hundreds of thousands of young, impressionable people who are too thick to discern real news from satire. And he’s violently partisan, which makes it all the more unhealthy. I am the complete opposite of a Jon Stewart fan. Used to go see his stand-up, now all I want to do is see him fall down – on a chainsaw.

Appetizer: Tell about a toy you remember from your childhood.

In 1978 I was given a remote controlled R2-D2 for Christmas. And get this – it went forwards and backwards. So I could pretend I was a Jawa and chase R2, or I could pretend I was some sort of droid-a-phobe and run away from him. I could also aim him directly at my father’s shin, hide behind the couch and then let him rip. Yep… pretty much limited to chasing, running from or inflicting bodily harm on parental units. Now I realize why I got nuthin’ but Nerf the following year.

Soup: If you could make one thing free for everyone, what would it be?

Healthcare. And Airborne Effervescent Health Formula. It saved my life this week. On a side note, I’m going to be Osama Pye Laden this weekend, so don’t bother looking for me. I’ve had a nagging sickyness for days and days. I just want to relax on the couch, play video games and snort vitamin C. Oh, and then there’s the hour tomorrow when I’ll be online frantically trying to get tickets for the December 9th show. And those should be free, too.

Salad: How many times per day do you think about your significant other?

Whenever I file my nails, trim my cuticles, read my own palm, use hand cream or practice new shadow puppets. If you didn’t like that joke, try this one: I hadn’t thought about her in a couple of hours but then I accidentally unplugged my freezer and she began to stink. Damn it, Mai Lin – why couldn’t you have just shut your fat Malaysian mouth?

Main Course: Name something you believe in 100%.

That John Kerry is now working as a bartender at the Lowell Brewing Company. He and Teresa must be on the outs. If you don’t believe me, go see for yourself. Take in a Lockmonsters game, find some crack to buy and then head to the brewery to see John. He’s a little down in the dumps these days.

Dessert: List 3 things you did this year that you would consider a “good deed.”

How about 1, demanding quizzlet? I jumped on a grenade just the other night. My roomate had some of her friends in town, and as I was feeling sick I opted to go and spend the night at my sister’s – because I knew they’d keep me up and that I’d end up throwing something sharp at them while snot ran down my face. What I got in return was a red wine stain down the length of my stairwell wall, a nasty call from the building manager and a sound scratching from my sister’s new kitten who is possessed by the spirit of Jeffrey Dahmer. Fuck a deed.

Appetizer: What do you think is the perfect age to get married? To have a child?

No one has any business getting married until they’re at least 27 or so. See the world, meet some people and as cliched as this sounds – ‘find yourself’. I’ve had a pretty wild life so far, and have been lucky in terms of travels, relationships, friends and adventure. I am faithful that the rest will fall into place by itself. When it does, I’ll be comfortable and ready – with no room for regrets in my head full of fevered, debaucherous memories. In reality, I’m probably going to die alone at age 52 beside a trunk full of pornography.

Soup: If you could change occupations, what would you want to do for a living?

I probably should have been a police detective. I have this ingrained sense of right and wrong and although it veers disturbingly in certain areas, it has served me well thus far. I don’t shirk when I see a dead body, I look good in bad suits, I already consume unhealthy amounts of coffee and donuts and can readily repeat the statistic “more (police) cars were destroyed in the making of the Blues Brothers than any film in history”. Wouldn’t you feel safer at night?

Salad: What does the color green make you think of?

Menthol. A couple of years ago I had a strange phase. I was given a can of menthol shaving cream and things just snowballed from there. I started buying skin lotion with menthol. Then I got some face cream with menthol. Then I bought a bottle of mentholated schnapps and woke up suddenly in an ATM vestibule. I knew it had gotten out of control when I bought a carton of Newports and then smoked the whole thing at the Dudley T stop in Roxbury.

Main Course: Has something happened over the last year that you didn’t expect?

My expectations have been exceedingly low in recent years, so this could be any number of things. Vanilla Coke was an emotional moment for me, for example. I’m certainly glad that the Eastern Seabord hasn’t been reduced to rubble by now as I’d predicted. I feel obliged to ask Mr. Al Zarqawi – ‘Can’t we all just just get along?’ Barring his answer being anything other than ‘Hammala! Hammala!Hammala!’ Or ‘Allah akbar’, I say we make Fallujah the new ‘Silicon Valley’ – or ‘smoking crater of hot sand’, to be more specific.

Dessert: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Maybe I should switch to a quiz that isn’t written by a woman? Nah, I’ll be a good sport. Her name was Suzanne, and it was 1986 – so I would have been 13. This was my first real kiss. The earth moved. I’m talking boobie-grabbing, tongue and all while I had her propped up on a dryer in my friend Chris‘s basement during a birthday party. This girl moved fast – she was 15 and already in high school. I won’t go into any more detail because my mother reads this, but let’s just say it was a very interesting 3 months. God bless ya, ya feckin’ cradle-robber, ya – wherever you are.

The girl who writes the quizzlets‘ father had a stroke last week – hence the lapse.

I want to thank you all for the very kind comments and prayers that were offered for my father. He came home from the hospital on Wednesday, and he is expected to make a full recovery. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and patience!



But she’s back now, so let’s resume…

Appetizer: Name 3 cosmetics/toiletries that you use on a daily basis.

Soap, shampoo and shaving cream. I’m not a fancy lad, by any means.

Soup: Approximately how much exercise do you get per week? What type of exercise is it?

I have a gym in my office building that I get to use for free. So I do. I like to use the elliptical trainer for 30 minutes then hit the weights. The problem is, there’s only one of them in the gym and it’s quite popular. So I figured out, through trial and error, that there’s never anyone in the gym at 3. I ran into this guy I talk to there sometimes in the elevator last week. He says “You’re never in the gym anymore”. I reply, “Yes I am, I just go at 3 now so I can use the machine I like”. So I go in Monday at 3 – and isn’t that cunt in there using my machine.

Salad: Write a sentence including your favorite color and your favorite food.

I get a little blue in the face looking for good Saganaki in Boston. Best. Food. Ever.

Main Course: What famous person/celebrity do you think you look like?

I get Ron Livingston and Brendan Fraser all the time. Which is a vast improvement over Eli from It’s Your Move which I used to get as a kid.

Dessert: Name 2 simple things that never fail to make you happy.

Trailer Park Boys and The Pixies.

Appetizer: Name a board game you enjoy playing. What’s fun about it?

I think that a true nerd is some who embraces it – and who truly revels in their nerdiness. The type of guy that will speak Klingon to another nerd while there are single women in the room. You get the picture. Anyway, my point is that Bryan and Art bought me a great DVD/board game for my birthday last year called Scene It. You answer questions about movie clips, etc. It’s great fun – the only problem is not only have I smoked everyone who’s ever played it with me, I do so well that the games only last 15 minutes. So I fear that may make me a nerd of some sort. But I’ll fight the classification tooth and nail.

Soup: How’s the weather been in your area lately?

All weather, wind patterns and barometric pressure has been on hold in Boston due to the World Series. Normal forces of nature will resume after the parade tomorrow, and I’ll gladly update you then. A stupid question deserves a…

Salad: Do you consider yourself an emotional person? What types of emotions do you experience most often?

Does crushing disappointment count as an emotion? If not, then put me down for ‘ennui’. Jesus, I sounded like an Allston hipster just then. Pardon me, I was due at a Kerry rally at The Model an hour ago.

Main Course: List 3 songs you’ve been listening to recently.

I listen to ‘There Goes The Fear’ by The Doves daily. It’s my absolute favorite song of all time, and has appeared on just about every mix I’ve made since early 2002. Even the rap ones. I’ve also been listening to this amazing and really hard to find song called ‘Here It Comes’ by Longwave. I’m not a big fan of the band’s other material but this song just does it for me. And finally the new U2 song, Vertigo, is superb. Loving it and looking forward to the rest of the album. Not crazy about the iPod tie-in though. Or any of their albums from 93-99.

Dessert: What’s on your refrigerator door? Magnets? Photos? Calendars?

Trailer Park Boys magnets. A photo of me, Jill and Sara taken on a Boston harbor cruise 2 years ago. A Christmas photo sent to me by Becky, Phil and Cole. A photo from PJ’s wedding with him, me, Henry and Harkins. An alarming brown smear which I’m sincerely hoping is Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup. But it gets weird in that apartment sometimes – so you never know. Until you taste it.

Appetizer: What is your favorite beverage?

A lot of Indian restaurants don’t have liquor licenses. I’m unsure if that’s because they don’t want to pay the fees or if it’s due to the rash of “Waiter, there’s a cobra in my soup” incidents prevalent in the late 70’s – but it’s a fact. I remember a place my parents used to take my sister and I in Ottawa when we were kids. You may think a lack of a liquor license would be an inconvenience to most – but as long as the restaurant didn’t sell any booze, people were allowed to bring and drink their own. So my Dad and his friends would go across the street get an armload of wine each and get juiced while gorging on tandoori and making inappropriate turban jokes (I remember “pull-start” being a popular one – I’ll explain it to you sometime in person). OK – long story short, so we didn’t feel left out, my sister and I would always order sweet lassis. This is not an affectionate border collie. It’s a non-alcoholic Indian drink made from yoghurt, and they are dee-lish. Friggin’ cobras.

Soup: Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.

Home: An orange cat. If you ever get a naughty instant message from me, blame his fondness for keyboard tap dance/my fondness for liquor. Work: Photo of me/Venditti/Herb and a Tim Hortons can full of pens.

Salad: On a scale of 1-10, how honest do you think you are?

I’m a solid 9. It also would depend on whether we’re talking work or personal life here. But basically I’d tell the Eskimos I sold ice to to stop whining because they should be looking forward to their new life living on Florida swampland, instead.

Main Course: You get to change the name of a city. How bout it?

Boston would be re-christened “I Thank-God-Every-Day-That-I-Don’t-Live-In-New-York-Ville

Dessert: What stresses you out? What calms you down?

Less Money. Mo’ Money.

Appetizer: What are your plans for the upcoming weekend?

I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage for nearly three weeks. And I’ve quite enjoyed my self-imposed sebbatical sobriety. But my ex, whom I have not seen in 3 years, is in town (we’re on good terms). And she’s Irish. Lock up your liquor. ‘Nuff said.

Soup: Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?

Jim Fitzgerald, yesterday. But I rarely talk on the phone. Seriously. I’m not like Paulie from Goodfellas, who didn’t talk on the phone because he was afraid of wire taps. I simply don’t like phones. I have an aversion to them. I also don’t threaten or torture people when they fail to give me protection money on time. Stern brow-beating or the silent treatment is usually quite sufficient.

Salad: Name a hobby that you’ve tried but eventually gave up for some reason.

There have been many. I wanted to make stop-motion plastercine movies when I was a kid. That lasted a summer. I made a cool version of Friday The 13th. Went through a lot of red clay on that one. I also collected trading cards for awhile. Other Canadian kids were goo-goo over hockey cards. But I still have a photo album full of Raiders of the Lost Ark cards which I compiled in 1981. It got me a Cub Scout Collector Badge, and several severe playground beatings. I wasn’t always this large.

Main Course: What is the most important personality quality in a mate?

A nice ass. Oh, sorry. I misread that. A nice ass and the patience of a saint.

Dessert: Why is the sky blue (be creative with your answer)?

Because he’s worried that with all the recent successes of SpaceShipOne, he’ll soon have a traffic jam on his nose. I said ON HIS NOSE. A-one and-a two and-a three. I don’t dance folks, this it it. I’m here all week – try the veal.

Appetizer: What sound, other than the normal ringing, would you like your telephone to make?

Whalesong. Is my phone ringing, or is there a martian in my apartment? Sometimes I’d wake up and just not be completely sure.

Soup: Describe your usual disposition in meteorological terms (partly cloudy, sunny, stormy, etc.).

Mostly sunny with a chance of carefully timed resentment.

Salad: What specific subject do you feel you know better than any other subjects?

I’d like to say Search Engine Marketing or Mesothelioma. But the actual truth is Trailer Park Boys and The Pixies. Oh, and how to have good parties and draw scary goblins. Not so specific.

Main Course: Imagine you were given the ability to remember everything you read for one entire day. What books/magazines would you choose to read?

First I’d read a periodic element table – it’d be fun at parties. Then I’d read a sports almanac from the future and as many back issues of Tiger Beat as I could get my hands on. I’d be spitting Orlando Bloom facts like it was my job.

Dessert: If a popular candy maker contacted you to create their next candy bar, what would it be like?

It would be a cross between my three favorite candy bars: Nestle Crunch, Skor and Whatchamacallit – It would be called ‘Whatinthefuckchamacallit’.

Appetizer: On a scale of 1 to 10, how attractive do you think you are?

It’s totally relative. Which is a good thing, because I’d feel a little embarassed if I had to come right out and say ’12’.

Soup: What local restaurant would you recommend to a visitor to your city?

I would recommend they get back on the plane from whence they came and hit Arthur Bryant’s in Kansas City, baby.

Salad: What’s a lesson you had to learn the hard way?

That one about penises and venus flytraps.

Main Course: Name something in your life that you can depend on 100%.

I’d say death and taxes, but that would be a bit of a cop-out. So I’ll just say that “your penis will hurt if you put it in a venus flytrap”.

Dessert: If you could see the front page of a newspaper from September 24, 2104, what would you imagine the headline might be?

“18,615th Consecutive Day of Mourning Delcared – Dave Pye is Still Dead.”

Appetizer: What movie soundtracks do you own?

Lost Boys. Guys and Dolls. Rushmore. Big Lebowski. But the best movie soundtrack of all time is The Blues Brothers.

Soup: How much cash do you usually carry with you?

Next question.

Salad: Are you more comfortable around men or women? Why?

Both. Because I’m well adjusted.

Main Course: What is the most mischievous thing you did as a child?

I had this awesome treehouse. My Dad built it out of two mainframe computer crates. Then he put siding on it and built a deck on the top. It was phat, even in ’81. There were many games of doctor up there with Kathy H. Otherwise, I was a pretty good kid. Oh, and I killed a lot of frogs there, too.

Dessert: Who is the funniest member of your family?

Me. The quizzlet sucks this week.

Appetizer: If someone gave you 3 new goldfish today, what would you name them?

Nemo, Orca and Nessie.

Soup: What’s the worst movie you’ve seen this year so far?

Farenheit 9-11.

Salad: If given the chance and you could pick the person, would you want to switch lives with someone on earth for one whole day?

You could pick someone you really hate and then jump off a bridge. Or pick the spouse of someone you really want to bang. Otherwise – I don’t see much point. I would have picked John Stamos up until a couple of months ago – for both reasons.

Main Course: What’s your favorite season? Name 2 things you love about it.

It’s always been Autumn. And I love “leaf peeping” and football.

Dessert: What is something you frequently buy that you don’t really need?

I don’t like this question. Nobody really needs anything. Except crack and insulin.

Appetizer: What is a word that your family uses that would not be considered common?

My mother has a very strange synonym for “sick” that she once used frequently. “What’s the matter, you feeling punk? David won’t be in to school today, he’s feeling a little punk”. Meanwhile, my vice-principal was probably picturing me jumping around to an Exploited record or stabbing Nancy Spungen to death.

Soup: What theme of calendar do you have on your wall this year?

I have a cat & dog calendar, Twisted Whiskers, which features strange digitally altered photos… like a cat with a long neck and the caption “Hold your head high! That way, you can look down on everybody else.” Thanks, Mom.

Salad: Name 3 people you speak with on a daily basis.

My sister, Monster and my imaginary friend: Winkles the incontinent hermit crab.

Main Course: If you could put a new tattoo on someone you know – who would it be, what would the tattoo be of, and where would you put it on them?

It would be a bright bullseye on Carolyn Parrish’s forehead. I don’t know her personally, but I would like to see her brains blown all over a wall, personally. The worst thing about being Canadian is having to explain mindless, vindictive and looney-liberal comments like this to my American friends.

Dessert: What is the last beverage you drank out of a glass bottle?

“3 buck chuck” from Trader Joe’s. $36 for a case. Dangerous. And so delicious.

Appetizer: What does the color pink make you think of?

Oooooh. Dirty quizzlet.

Soup: Name something you have lost but later found.

I have this ring. My mother bought it for my father in Mexico – but he didn’t want it. I have lost it 500 times but I always find it again. One time in high school, my sister got mad at me and hid it in our basement. I found it a year later when we were moving to a new house. In University, I lost it again for the better part of 6 months. But then found it when I was moving out of my dorm (The incomprable Mills Hall) and moved a desk to make sure I hadn’t lost anything behind it. I recently found it in my backpack after assuming I’d lost it at the gym. It’s magical. I’m also a Hobbit.

Salad: In 3 words, describe this past week.

Long. As. F*ck.

Main Course: What are you obsessed with?

We covered this already this week. Trailer Park Boys. And filthy lucre.

Dessert: What kind of perfume or cologne do you like to wear?

Farenheit and Blue Jeans. Mom got them for me at the duty free, eh?

Appetizer: Who is your favorite news anchor/reporter? Why?

Ron Burgundy. Because his apartment has many books and smells of rich mahogany.

Soup: Name 3 foods that are currently in your freezer.

Ice, ice and ice.

Salad: If you were to have the opportunity to name a new town or city, what would you call it?

Brandoville.

Main Course: What will most likely be the next book you read?

Through a Scanner Darkly by Phillip K. Dick.

Dessert

What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite gender?

The caboose, the posterior or the heiny.