Movies

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is released one month from today. I have had so much fun anticipating the film and enjoying the trickle of photos and info as it’s been revealed that I almost dread Indy’s impending arrival. I’d probably tack on another month if I could just to revel in the antici… pation a little while longer.

Just what am I supposed to focus my rampant nerdery after May 22nd, I ask you? Being an Indy fan is almost forgivable and cool. There isn’t a phaser, a star ship or a pair of pointy ears in sight. I’m afraid I might blow a gasket and start playing D&D with myself at night. By candlelight. On the end of my dock. You know – really give the ladies something to start swooning about.

While we’re all here, and I can still share some of my alarmingly comprehensive KOTCS knowledge with you before the big day, I suppose I should. Especially since I have so much of it rolling around in my crystal skull that I can boil it all down to only the most interesting rumors, plot points, character info, etc. I’ll try to stay away from brutal spoilers, but be forewarned.

• Some early reports say that Indy 4 is too long, too far-fetched and that the reason the studio isn’t allowing reviewers to see it until the day before it is released (highly unusual) is because it’s just plain bad. One article even goes so far as to predict Shia Labeouf’s Mutt Williams is the franchise’s very own Jar Jar Binks.
• Other early reports say that it is the best of the sequels, with the best story, the best ensemble of actors and characters in the series and that George and Steven are keeping their cards close to their chest right up until the release as a service to the loyal fan base who may have the experience sullied if too much gets out.
• I have read in several places that Cate Blanchett’s villainess, Russian Agent Irina Spalko, is pitch perfect and jaw-dropping as a female Indy baddie. One lucky and anonymous chap who has seen the final film called it a “characterization that achieves instant cult status”. If you haven’t seen her in costume, enjoy. I know I do every night before bed with a belt around my neck for about 2 and a half minutes:

• Although he’s been the brunt of jokes since the movie was announced, I haven’t heard one negative peep regarding Harrison Ford’s 66 years. What I have heard is that he is convincing, in amazing shape and looking good. There are plenty of photos now online and a full length trailer to support this. If you have yet to see the Indy 4 trailer, click through and do so. If you remotely enjoyed Indy films as a kid and you don’t get a massive chill – there is something very wrong with you. And actually, just frig off to go rent Atonement.

The days leading up to Indy 4 have me as optimistic as ever, but not blindly so – I realize that reviving the franchise almost 20 years after the Last Crusade can be accurately considered a fool’s errand. If the movie ends up stinking like a Nazi rotting in the hot sun, I won’t pretend that it doesn’t. My faith is strong, however. I haven’t seen or read anything that worries me. We’re coming off a year that saw both Rambo and Rocky come back and work. I still predict that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will see a 66 year-old Harrison Ford spearheading the largest grossing summer action movie in history. I’ve called my shot. Now I need to call my mother to come pick me up.

I’ve been at rapt nerd attention when it comes to all things Indy 4, but I haven’t broken any hot news items or derived any potential plot spoilers from the available information myself. However, I think I just figured something out that I haven’t seen mentioned anywhere yet so I’ll share it with you here first.

What do you get when you cross a National Geographic for Kids article which eludes to Indy and Mutt Williams running through the jungle being chased by “giant bugs”…

With track 16 on the unreleased soundtrack listing by John Williams entitled, “ANTS!”…

Presumably, something like this:

Did Indy and Mutt follow the giant ants upon Hagrid’s advice looking for Aragog? George. Steven. I’d like a word.

Dalton: So, you play pretty good for a blind white boy.
Cody: Yeah, and I thought you’d be bigger.

The 1989 movie Road House has always held a special place in my heart. Even moreso after I started working at bars in various capacities and found I could put a lot of Dalton’s Zen-like bouncing and shithead-management principles into practical use. “Expect the unexpected. Take it outside. Be nice.” Whoever wrote that movie obviously spent a fair amount of time in that dirty business themselves. Hopefully with shorter hair and looser blue jeans.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z0CngDuHcc[/youtube]

The cast of Road House is having a rough week. First the ever-so-awesome Jeff Healey dies Monday of pancreatic cancer at the tender age of 41, and now Patrick Swayze is reportedly close to death suffering from the exact same thing. It’s beyond uncanny and Kelly Lynch better watch her breathtaking Roadhouse heiney. Because we’ve seen this sort of thing before, kids.

Is everyone familiar with Poltergeist? It’s the exceptionally scary movie that Spielberg made in 1981 and an eerie series of events befell many of the people associated with the both original and subsequent sequels. And I’m not talking about nasty clowns, a pool full of corpses or a TV on the fritz. Here is a quick run down and upon some new research today it’s even worse than I remembered.

1. She didn’t have a lot of screen time in the movie (“What’s happening? WHAT’S HAPPENING?!“), but Dominique Dunne who played the older sister, was strangled to death by her boyfriend just 5 months after production wrapped, kicking off the creepiness that would become known as the Poltergeist Curse. She was 22. During the fight she had with her boyfriend that ended in her death, a friend inside Dunne’s house turned up the Poltergeist soundtrack to drown out the noise of the two yelling outside.
2. Heather O’Rourke, the actress who played Carol Anne (“They’re heeeeeere!”) died during the making of part 3 in 1988 from acute bowel obstruction. She was only 12 years old.
3. Most famous for his role as “Chief” in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest, Will Sampson had a large role in part 2 and died from kidney failure shortly after in 1987 at 53 years of age.
4. Perhaps the most detestable character of the series, the old preacher who turns out to be a walking spook, was played by Julian Beck. He died of stomach cancer in 1985. In all fairness he was 60 years old and is a bit of a stretch for curse victim consideration, but he did croak only weeks after filming had ended.

These four occurrences are just the tip of the iceberg, and there is no better account of the curse than Wikipedia’s if you’d like to learn more. Wild, wild stuff, Ed. Maybe at this point we should be calling it the Poltergeist Reuinion.

In keeping with my Roadhouse Curse theory, here are some facts to back up my hypothesis.

1. Jeff Healey died very young earlier this week.
2. Patrick Swayze is apparently at death’s door as I type.
3. In 1994 Chris Collins, who played a troublesome patron who offered to let folks fondle his wife for $20, died of a cerebral haemmorage.
4. Kelly Lynch is best friends with Sheryl Crow. Jesus.
5. Red West appeared in 16 Elvis Presley movies.
6. Sunshine Parker died of pnemonia in 1999.
7. Kevin Tighe appeared in 1995’s Jade. Shudder.
8. UPDATE: We lost Patrick.

The horror. The horror. Roger Hewlett, Terry Funk and Sam Elliot had better renew their life insurance policies because we’re obviously in for a really long and terrible… curse… here. No need to thank me, it’s what I’m here for. And I’m pulling for you, Patrick.

Dalton: If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won’t walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can’t walk him, one of the others will help you, and you’ll both be nice. I want you to remember that it’s a job. It’s nothing personal.
Steve: Being called a cocksucker isn’t personal?
Dalton: No. It’s two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.
Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a whore?
Dalton: Is she?

The Oscars have been thoroughly uninteresting to me for many years and I haven’t watched the ceremony in as long as I can remember. Tonight is a different story as it has been a monumental year for the movies and for once, I’m very much looking forward to watching. Here are my personal predictions…

Best Picture: No Country for Old Men – I preferred There Will Be Blood, but the handwriting is on the wall for this one. The Academy is going to vote for the Coens. Right

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis – Absolutely incredible performance, and having to choose between Daniel and Viggo just isn’t fair. Bad timing, Mr. Mortgensen – but excellent job. If anyone either than these two go home with the little gold man it will be a huge miscarriage. Right

Best Actress: Julie Christie is going to win and deserves to, but Cate Blanchett was superb as well. I think it’s amazing that Ellen Page, a Canadian underdog who started her career as Mr. Lahey’s daughter on the Trailer Park Boys, has had the year she’s had – but alzheimer’s is going to trump teen sarcasm. She’s got lots of time. Wrong

Supporting Actor: This is the category I am least certain of, but my money is on Javier Bardem. I was very impressed by Casey Affleck but I think he’s going to have trouble getting past the Coen juggernaut this year. Right

Supporting Actress: I haven’t seen the Bob Dylan movie, but I predict Blanchett will take the Oscar she didn’t get for Best Actress here. The Academy is comprised of human beings ticking boxes, and sentimentality is how people win the award sometimes. Wrong

Best Director: Paul Thomas Anderson – There is a damn good reason Mr. Anderson has been nominated 5 times previously, and I think this is going to be his year. His work on TWBB still gives me shivers after 3 viewings and the universe he’s created is the best we saw last year. Wrong – Travesty

They’ll definitely throw Juno a bone for original screenplay (Right), and the Bourne Ultimatum will clean up in the sound and visual editing categories (Right). Visual effects will go to Transformers (Wrong), and makeup will be Norbit (Wrong). I love the fact that Norbit is going to win an Oscar tonight. And as far as documentaries go, I don’t think Michael Moore is going to win (Right) as much as I hope forms a Nevada LLC and is then decapitated in a car accident on the way there. Happy viewing! Go Daniel!

“You’re a teacher?” “Part time.”

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcYtyDnLHho[/youtube]

Come on now. How fucking awesome does this look?

“No time for love, Dr. Pepper!”

As I believe I’ve said before somewhere, I love this time of year because all of the movies nominated for Oscars, SAGs or Golden Globes end up online, long before they have been released on DVD. This is because they are released as “screeners” to the members of the various organizations who vote for the winners. As I am spending the majority of my time as a trailer-bound caregiver, I can’t say I feel too bad about maybe or maybe not downloading them all for my own amusement. That having been sorta said, There Will be Blood is the best movie I have seen in years.

That’s quite a statement, I know. Let me back it up a bit. I love period pieces and the turn of the century oil boom has been lacking for a treatment. Daniel Day Lewis and PTA are two of my favorite artisans and together they’ve made magic. It’s an amazing, beautiful, smelly, dirty universe they’ve created. And the score, although it has just been disqualified for an Oscar for a few silly reasons, will have you snapping your fingernails off on the armrest. So, basically, I wanted to write about it today, but there’s no shortage of reviews or stories about it online – so what do discuss? And it’s no fair getting too specific as you risk spoiling the movie for others. When I searched to see what clips were available on YouTube, I found a send up of the “milkshake scene”, so I’m going to talk about that.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCCdZmHk5Fk[/youtube]

Daniel Plainview doesn’t like Eli Sunday. And it’s hard to blame him, even though by the conclusion of the movie Daniel is no bargain himself. The last time they meet, Eli asks Daniel for money he feels he is owed for a land lease / oil deal they made many years before. Plainview explains why Eli will never see the money because he sucked all the oil off of Eli’s land without actually ever having had to physically drill on it. He uses milkshakes as an analogy. It is one of the most electrifying scenes I’ve ever enjoyed.

“Drainage! Drainage, Eli! Drained dry, you boy! If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reaches across the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!”

The last sentence is followed by a violent slurping sound that Day-Lewis should win the oscar for based on alone. Some cheeky bugger has edited the audio together using the song “Milkshake” by Kelis – and it made me laugh. So there you have it. No Country for Old Men is an excellent movie as well, but TWBB gets my vote for the oscar… for the next five years. Go see it. If you’re a male you will love it. If you’re a female, I’m sure there’s a ticket or two left for Juno or Atonement. Here is the proper version of the scene.

Update: It’s always somewhat defeating when someone else has already done something you want to do… better.

How is that for a prediction? Yes, you heard it here first, Hollywood and countries around the globe will produce at least a handful of movies in the new year. Of course… my title relates to specific movies I am looking forward to, you silly geese. As always, my old friend Brukakke asked me to participate in his 2008 movies article which I did amazingly without having to be asked a second or third time. He’s hung up on Star Trek while I have obviously been looking forward to an excuse to post this, which was released to masses of whip-stroking, drooling 34-yr-somethings earlier this month:

Other movies I look forward to in 2008 include: RocknRolla, Valkyrie, Semi-Pro, The Dark Knight and Bond 22. Here is a great list of upcoming 2008 flicks and their vital statistics. Have a look and let me know what you’re digging. I think it’s safe to say it’s going to be a very good year.

When my parents left for Florida last month I moved my office down to a fold-out table/desk thing on the main floor. I keep the TV on all day (surprisingly, the background noise helps me concentrate) and between working and chilling spend the vast majority of my time on the same couch in close proximity to the idiot box. I ordered a big cable package and the possibilities when it comes to movie channels are painfully endless. I don’t envy the people who have to program these channels. Filling 24 hours every day of the month with enough unique content to keep subscribers happy must be a daunting task. Not surprisingly, I have watched some pretty obscure and forgotten movies recently that I’d like to discuss. BTW – my country ass connection won’t let me upload photos today, so no quotelet.

Andre (1994): This sea salty tearjerker, in the tradition of Flipper and Free Willy, tells the tale of an aquatic creature named ‘Andre’ who becomes a pet to a small family in Maine (I think). The little daughter becomes the mischievous seal’s biggest fan and after it bugged me for a half an hour I finally realized it was a 9-year-old ‘Deb’ from Napoleon Dynamite. Anyway, not to put too fine a point on it, I largely ignored the movie until I started to hear the fart sounds. If I had a nickel. The seal, who is actually a sea lion playing a seal, gives a big old raspberry to anyone who is mean to a family member or with whom he is otherwise displeased. I watched the last 45 minutes intently, patiently waiting for the Bronx cheers which would then have me laughing hysterically. And you won’t believe how cute the whiskers on this thing are. I’d definitely pick this up for my younger cousins. Cute, funny and a little naughty, tee hee.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaQLFlrbxU4[/youtube]

Alien Nation (1988): When the TV series spin-off hit Fox in the early 90s, I used to watch it on Monday nights without fail. But I forgot how… good… the original movie is. The cast is solid: James Caan plays the tough-as-nails cop who has to partner with a ‘newcomer’ the day after his partner is killed by one. Mandy Patinkin plays ‘San Francisco’, the new partner and new resident of Planet Earth who stares adversity in the face and all that good stuff. The slang term for a newcomer, “slag”, is an obvious nod to your pick of human racial epithets and the story hinges heavily on Detective Francisco’s ability to rise above the human scorn and become an excellent lawman. Terence Stamp rounds out the cast as the main baddie and the flick is an action-packed slug-fest with great, funny dialogue between Caan and Patinkin and a slanted take on the buddy cop movie.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6dMTwURRns[/youtube]

Ghost Dog (1999): I think the very definition of ‘suspension of disbelief’ is accepting a chunky Forrest Whittaker as a sort of lithe urban samurai. Unless the ancient code has somehow been changed to “my sword must taste blood every time it is unsheathed… and then I must eat 6 corn dogs.” A good friend of mine has sung the praises of this film to me for years, so I sorta paid attention when it ran on TMC this very afternoon. The narrative structure pulls chapters from the samurai creedo which act as… chapters, applying to the Dog’s adventure and actions along the way. I knew the soundtrack had been produced by the RZA before I looked the movie up as the gritty beats are unmistakable and lend themselves well to the tone of the movie. And I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of a 70-year-old mobster dancing around to his bathroom to ‘Cold Lampin’ With Flava’ and reciting it word for word while dumping talc in his ass crack. A truly unique movie and I done liked it.

What’s the ‘worst’ bad movie you’ll admit to loving? This site used to get lots of comments from many different people every day – and I know most of you are still reading. How about a little give and take here? A little tete a tete? Some cinematic back and forth, perhaps? Where is Alexa, Cato, Mike, Kellie and Janet? Where’s DVS, Smash and Timmy the Keyhole? Where’s Greg, Duck, Watergirl and Loo Loo? Who can forget JV, Monster, Hammer and Heather? Come back to me, my children of the night.