Movies

I spent quite a bit of time over the summer building and maintaining a Squidoo lens devoted to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I checked it for the first time in a week or so and it’s been as high as #2 in their Movies section, and broke the top 50 network wide. Considering there are now over 100,000 Squidoo lenses – that’s not too damn shabby. If you haven’t looked at it yet, please take a gander.

I also paid a designer to re-imagine my silly dog sweater site. I have updated it once or month or so since then redesign and traffic has gone through the roof. One day last week, the Google ads at the top of the main page got over 100 clicks! My point is, you never know when something you’ve created might hit a tipping point. The best example was two years ago when live cockroach brooches were featured on America’s Top Model and my uber-silly celebrity blog spoof ended up getting 5 thousand hits the next day. The same thing happened more recently when the little buggers were used as a plot device on CSI: New York and again the search engine traffic blew up temporarily.

You can slave away mercilessly on an idea for years and never hit the sort of perfect traffic storm that comes from something – an article, a top 10 list, a photo – going viral. Chris Crocker I’m not. But that’s obviousvly a very good problem to have.

“In hard times, Americans have often turned to the Western to reset their compasses. In very hard times, it takes a very good Western.” – Roger Ebert on 3:10 to Yuma

When discussing quality contemporary westerns, it helps to start with one understanding on which everyone is usually in total agreement: There’s Unforgiven and then there’s everything else. That usually levels the playing field to allow for a more objective look at the Silverados, the Young Guns, the Quick and the Deads and the Tombstones. The new, new westerns however – basically anything after the year 2000, have been few and far between and many have lamented the demise of the genre.

The hope that “Open Range” seeded in me a few years ago was hammered home last night when I saw 3:10 to Yuma – The Western is not dead. Crowe’s warrior poet and Bale’s hard-luck veteran trade bullets, insults and eventually even smiles over miles of beautiful sets and scenery. The characters of the young son, the railway man, the Pinkerton and Crowe’s bloodthirsty second-in-command take the movie from good to great. It’s a tasty, complicated, human relationship study. Father/son, criminal/family man, husband/wife – there’s even a little one-sided Brokebackesque homoeroticism thrown in for good measure. Fans of the genre, the actors or both (or neither) can love this film. Couple all of that with the best movie poster I think I’ve ever seen (I just ordered it for the Winchester‘s wall) and you’ve got one happy chappy.

Ben Foster, made famous by his creepy turns in Six Feet Under and Hostage really impressed me as Ben Wade’s evil cohort, Charlie Prince. He always struck me as sort of a poor man’s Giovanni Ribisi – but he is outstanding in this film. He’ll definitely be pigeonholed as the go-to weirdo for the majority of his career, but he’ll be leading the pack of go-to weirdos. All psychopaths aside, judging from the increasing numbers of Westerns creeping into the Hollywood schedule I think our compasses will be well configured for a while. Even if they’ve become moral GPS systems.

If you didn’t already know, a new Indiana Jones movie is currently being filmed and is set to be released on Memorial Day 2008. This franchise is my favorite of all time, and the news was like an old friend coming back into my life. Which is probably why I have so few. Yes, yes – my nerdery is on full display today – but I’m not ashamed and I don’t apologize. By all accounts this film is being taken very seriously by the original directors and cast, and I will be very surprised if Spielberg drops the idol. As I have maniacally scanned the interwebnets looking for Indy 4 Rumors and news, I collected them all in one place. If you’re curious, have a read, and here are a few highpoints:

– Shia Lebouef plays Indy’s son.
– There will be very little computer animation to keep the film visually congruent with the first three Indy films.
– I’m 99% certain the official title will be “Indiana Jones and the City of Gods”.
– Marion (Karen Allen) returns and has a big role.
– Indy’s sidekick is played by one of my favorite actors, Ray Winstone.
– Area 51 and alien artifacts play a big role in the plot, and the villainous Nazis are all but replaced by the more appropriate (the film is set in 1957) Russians.
– Cate Blanchett plays a Russian adversary.
– Sallah and Henry Jones are not returning.
– Filming has so far taken place in Hawaii (doubling for South America), Connecticut (Yale) and Nevada (Area 51).
– The story is rumored to come full circle with Raiders, even eventually involving the Lost Ark of the Covenant.
– I may never sleep with a woman again.

Several videos have been released from the set, one of which was a live feed for attendees of ComicCon this past month. Most of the principal actors join Spielberg in costume for a chat about the new film. This was also the first time it was officially announced that Marion Ravenwood would be making her return…

18 years after the Last Crusade the principals have finally managed to get their schedules in order, and a script they’re all happy with. There were half a dozen rewrites and many arguments between Ford, Lucas and Spielberg along the way. I always paid attention to the movie geek rumor sites, and never thought they’d get it underway. That tells me that the pieces are in place for something special, and I’m going to stay excited and optimistic until I’m proven otherwise. If you’d have told me a couple of years ago that the Pixies were going to reunite, and there’d be a 4th Indy film, I think my head would have pulled a Belloq.

If Indiana Jones 4 proves as popular and as well made as Raiders, Temple of Doom and Last Crusade – we’ll be witness to a very cool piece of movie history. I am sick to death of CGI and haven’t wanted to go to the theater (with the possible exception of Die Hard 4) for many moons. Ford will be 66 years old by the time this is released, and very probably the star of the most profitable summer action movie of all time. Think about that for a second – It’s simply fantastic.

I stayed home and worked all weekend and I invariably get bored of being in my room at my desk and move the laptop on up to the couch. My roomate also opted for a TV-facing weekend, and we usually toss the remote back and forth to each other all day whenever a movie or program ends. It’s very diplomatic and mature, but yesterday it reached a tipping point that was kind of fun.

I suppose I fired the first salvo when I made her sit through Doctor Detroit. I used to love this movie as a kid, so it has a lot of sentimental value, but at the end of the day – it’s a stinker. Said roomie cringed as she was forced to sit through Aykroyd’s antics, and when I tossed her the remote after the big song and dance number at the end I had a feeling I was in for some retribution. I hate being right all the time.

James Brown wrote this song especially for the movie, and the hooker dance scene is hilarious.

Just my Luck was a breathtakingly stupid flick starring Miss Lindsay Lohan – I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen any of her movies, so I grinned and bared it. For the uninitiated, Lindsay loses and gains luck based on whom she kisses. I did enjoy the scene where she dropped her contact lens in the dookie-laden cat litter box and then put it right back in because it was her last one. She had a black eye for the rest of the movie which was just enjoyably weird.

Suddenly, the remote was back in my control, and I scanned through On Demand until I found another cinematic childhood atrocity, Howard the Duck. This is worth watching for the scene of Lea Thompson on all fours in yellow panties alone. Brandy rounded off the battle with The Family Stone, and then all was quiet on the North End front.

Frequently-cited famous over-actors include Nicholson and Robin Williams – but I have never seen a more shameless, award-fishing performance than Sharon Stone’s ridiculous fat suit episode at the end of Alpha Dog. Jeepers Crimminy, and I mean this when I say it: I sincerely hope that was not her idea. The jist is, a bad thing happens to a young kid and the movie is punctuated by a series of interview flashbacks. One of the last of which is Sharon Stone, the formerly sexy bereaved mother, giving her account of hearing about her son’s murder – a year later, in a grief-stricken alcohol and pill induced fat suit.

I see what they were trying to do. The last time I was really sad I’m sure I enjoyed having an actual excuse to drink and eat too much for a week. But Sharon Stone looks like a paler Cletus Klump with a bad blonde Cherry 2000 wig on. I couldn’t find it on YouTube or a still photograph, so just keep an eye out for it if you see the movie. A solid flick if you can stand all the half-naked teenage girls. I mean – a solid flick, and although I hated him in Six Feet Under Ben Foster is remarkable.

Update: Yeah baby!

Getting nervous over here. Martin deserves it. He won’t top this. Little Miss Sunshine is super as a cute little button, but it’s not the fucking Departed. Let’s keep that in mind, you lace curtain motherfuckers. Thanks. Again, the 36 Mafia – 1, Marin Scorcese – 0.

I saw Apocalypto over the Christmas holidays and I have to tell you – it was absolutely terrific. Great characters, amazing editing and action, gory as all get-out. The flick made its money back at the box office but suffered I think at the hands of historical critics who bashed its authenticity. It’s gone a step further now with the ‘R’ card being pulled in certain circles.

“Indigenous activists in Guatemala, once home to a large part of the former Mayan empire in southern Mexico and northern Central America, say “Apocalypto” is racist.“

Mel Gibson is a lot of things. But he’s no rac… oh, sorry. Anyway, Gibson is one of those rare actors who is as talented behind the camera as he is in front. And when you look at his historical directorial track record (Braveheart, Passion of the Christ) you know that the level of research behind his films is excessive and anal. I would put it to my readers that Mel Gibson knows 10x more about Mayan history at this point than any indigenous Guatemalan activist. Living in a location does not make you an expert on it’s history. Ask anyone living in a trailer park on top of an old Native American burial ground. Here is SNL having some hilarious fun with the first trailer:

Gross generalizations by me not withstanding, my point is that I have heard far to many people tell me that ‘they heard’ Apocalypto isn’t realistic. Who the fuck cares? I wrote a paper on Mayan ceremonial centers in University I’d be glad to let you read if you want a history lesson. I got an ‘A’, by the way. Gibson’s film is about as racist as me using the word Christmas in the opening sentence.

I have been looking for an opportunity to remark upon how much I am truly looking forward to finally getting to see The Departed this weekend. Eager for early insider movie-nerd reviews (I’d only ever be able to pen an outsider movie-nerd review,) I found this. Holy South Boston scumbags, Batman.

“I usually only get dirty when I hate a movie so much, it makes me mad enough to do so. This is not the case with the latest Martin Scorsese masterwork The Departed. Oh no. Holy motherfucking shit, this movie rocks 18 different sizes and shapes of balls. Balls were rocked so hard, in fact, I think certain areas of the taint may have been injured. I walked out of this movie stumbling from exhaustion and with an awesome sense of uncertainty. How was I going to do this film justice in a review? Maybe I just did.”

Well done Marty. I can’t wait.

This is crazy-go-nuts week in the North End. As soon as St. Anthony’s Feast ends, people start moving into the neighborhood as their September leases begin. And with them come all kinds of service personnel with the accompanying trucks – movers, painters, cleaners, rug shampooers, handymen, etc. The blocks are like one big, mean Rubik’s Cube – Person A screams at person B to “move their fucking car”. Person B moves it 2 feet so person A can get by, then moves it back just as person C arrives and the process begins all over again. Remember, these streets were made for horses. And that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these streets are going to horse all over you.

OK – something else that comes to mind. Remember in Ghostbusters 2 they find the pink slime that reacts to human emotion? It apparently decided to build up under New York City in an old subway line because of all the attitude and distress located in the Big Apple. Somebody open a manhole cover on Hanover Street, pronto. This is obviously why they all blew up last year – forget that natural gas leak theory. We’ve been blaming NStar when we should have been blaming frigging Vigo. We may be in serious trouble – I need only quote the 20th century poet, and fellow Boston native, Bobby Brown for a more romantic explication of the situation:

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold,
They’re called the Ghostbusters and they’re in control.
Had ’em throwin’ a party for a bunch of children,
While all the while the slime was under the building.
So they packed up their group, got a grip, came equipped,
Grabbed they proton packs off their back and they split.
Found about Vigo, the master of evil,
Try to battle my boys? That’s not legal.

Indeed, Robert. Indeed. Listen, if anyone sees Gozer trying to order a puttanesca at Il Panino Express, get me on the phone. My sister had drinks with Aykroyd once, and I think I may be able to get his number.

“For the past eight years, I haven’t been able to get the character of Max Fischer out of my head. My favorite film is Wes Anderson’s Rushmore, and it also happens to be the director’s best film, encompassing his pathos, full of quirks and details, and soaring on a blend of faith, hope, and love. It’s got his best protagonist, the truest story, and the most genuine emotion of all his films.” – Pajiba

I recently watched Rushmore for the first time in a couple of years, and then read the above article today, so I decided to mention it. My point is this – if you think you like movies, and you haven’t seen Rushmore, do yourself a favor. Jesus, come over to my place and I’ll let you borrow the Criterion version. I’m a Max Fisher evangelist today, and you have just been saved.

I envy Max for a number of reasons. He has the courage to follow his dreams, and sticks his neck out in the name of his “art” no matter what the consequences. Unfortunately, his entire universe is about to collapse because he’s just too damn old to remain at Rushmore: a private high school he has been attending for the past six years.

“You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn’t matter. You were born rich and your going to stay rich. But here’s my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.” – Herman Blume (Bill Murray)

Max has started, or is a member of, every club or extracurricular activity at the school. With the exception of fencing, however, these are limited to things like stamp-collecting and bee-keeping – not sports. The montage where we see Max chairing all of these various societies, while 60’s mod rock plays in the background, sets a theme for the rest of the movie. Max feels he “belongs” at Rushmore because he can manipulate it’s universe. The real world terrifies Max. “Well that’s OK,” he tells the headmaster when his poor grades are brought up, “I’ll just take a post-grad year.” When the headmaster replies that they don’t offer a post-grad year at Rushmore, Max realizes he is about to be thrown to the wolves.

“Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume’s swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.” – Dirk Calloway

It’s no accident this movie has developed a massive cult following. Wes Anderson has created a group of characters so complex and addictively interesting that you can’t help getting caught up in their dilemmas. There’s Magnus, the bullying one-eared Scotsman who admires Max as much as he abuses him. Mr. Blume, the apathetic millionaire who would rather spend time with a 15-yr-old than his horrifically unsympathetic family. Rosemary, the grieving widow who becomes caught in a perceived love-triangle between Max and Blume – Even the bit players in this movie (Margaret Yang, Max’s father, Dirk) will keep your attention and force you to empathize with their various situations.

Rushmore is in good company on my list of favorite movies. Goodfellas, Blade Runner, Raiders of the Lost Ark – do you see what I’m getting at here? It’s a monumental piece of filmmaking, and you have got to see it as close to immediately as you can get. You’ll thank me.

“Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I’m Max Fischer“.

I read a lot of “insider” movie news websites where folks in the industry leak really sensitive and current information under silly pseudonyms. So basically “Highlander79“, who is actually a 47-year-old studio executive, leaves the boardroom after a major meeting, sneaks up to his office and spills the non-disclosure beans while probably cloaking his IP address. All the internet nerds then rejoice by dressing up as Jawas, masturbating to the deleted scenes from the special edition Legend DVD and then feeding a mogwai after midnight. At least that’s a normal Friday around my apartment.

I usually keep what I read on these movie sites to myself, as I would actually like to reproduce some day. However there have been some doozy rumors floating around lately and I’m just a little bit excited, in spite of my attempts to only appear marginally really excited. OK – Here are the big two:

– Indiana Jones 4 is sorta, almost, nearly a go. Keep your “…and the Temple of Geritol” jokes to yourself. Harry can still whup some ass. Although as he’ll now be much older, I guess Indy will probably end up fighting communists of some sort. There are so many good jokes here but I have to get this written and get out to an appointment. George Lucas on the script he’s been working on for 10 years – “I think it works like crazy“. Let’s just make sure we get around to it before Connery dies.

– Die Hard 4.0 could begin filming at the end of the summer, and the existing script is an “epic“. It’s called 4.0 because it has McClane battling internet terrorists with the help of his young hacker-genius son. “Yippiekayay Motherfu… – I mean Yippiekayay!”

And just because I love YouTube:

Super Troopers is a masterpiece. If you refute this fact, you probably also think SlapShot is slightly less funny than the trailer for Meatballs 3. So despite Puddle Cruiser and Club Dread, which are collectively about as humorous as a slap in your grandmother’s wrinkly mouth, I am excited and most optimistic about Broken Lizard’s upcoming Beerfest.

Some photos were released onto the internet today, and it would appear we’re looking at some sort of a Strange Brew/Dodgeball hybrid. The official description from IMDB: Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon secret, centuries-old competition described as a “Fight Club” with beer games. In addition to Will Forte, who you can see in the above photo, the Lizards star alongside Cloris Leachman and Jürgen Prochnow in the movie. The Frat Pack’s recent and glorious ressurection of the R-Rated comedy has paved the way for a silly flick like this, pornstar hollywood legitimacy, Home Depot jokes and I’ll be there with at least a half pint.

Today hasn’t exactly been a bad day per se – but it just got a whole lot better. You know any modern mention of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea gets me moist. This is a friggin’ doozy.

The new movie will be period set in the exact year (1867) of Verne’s novel. I worship the novel and the Disney film and hope to do neither any disrespect! However, this is a re-adaptation NOT a remake. The idea is to go where previous film versions couldn’t due to lack of technology, etc. and to finally put some of the novel’s classic scenes that have never been filmed in any version onto the big screen for the first time. That and a few surprises along the way.

The giant squid will obviously be badass CGI, as will the Nautilus and all the great underwater scenes. But I hope they keep my favorite moment intact – namely Ned getting drunk while locked in his cabin with the old smelly grey sealion. Let’s hope they don’t get all Hollywood-2006-PC on us and have him drinking iced chai latte with a transgendered baby seal. Or Alec Baldwin.

The George Clooney kudos crescendo is caving my head in. 10 years ago he was a regular on Roseanne, lest we forget. Jake Gyllenhal had to play tongue-hockey with another stinky man repeatedly for his nomination, and what did he get? Sure, Clooney had his fingernails pulled out with pliers, but I actually really enjoyed that scene. Most folks probably cringed watching the torture, but I stood up on a chair and cheered: “That’s for Return of the Killer Tomatoes, ya bastard.” And quite possibly for this.

“Actually, it would probably be easier if I just said ‘Anyone who wasn’t in Crash please stand up’.” – Jon Stewart

I wanted Munich to win, because it actually deserved to, but had no pipe dreams about that happening. I cashed in my chips and went downstairs to watch Life on Mars long before the Oscars had ended. I fully expected to see Brokeback on the front page of CNN this morning, so imagine my surprise. Crash is an OK movie, but I think the Academy really lost the PC plot this year. If you’re on the fence about that last statement, you need only be reminded of Stewart’s most prolific joke of the evening:

“Once again, for those of you who are keeping score: Martin Scorcese, zero Oscars. Three-Six-Mafia, one.”