Movies

I’ve been away all morning because I was asked to tag along on a sales call in Stoughton. Although it’s not my forte, I always seem to do quite well in these situations. A proper sales guy goes out to see a potential client and I tag along to explain some of the more geeky aspects of search engine marketing. So, if you think you might need a proven closer to accompany you on your next prospecting mission, here are some reasons you should pick me:

1. I will never break wind (audibly) whilst giving a Power Point.
2. I will massage your neck, in front of the client, before and after every question you are asked. Think Rocky and Mick.
3. Should the client fail to offer you a beverage upon our arrival, I will cough loudly until they wise up. Or at least until I am escorted out by security.
4. As soon as we are asked about R.O.I. I will look around the room and whisper loudly to you “I guess they don’t want this Roy guy to know we’re talking about him”.
5. To make sure the client doesn’t think we’re trying to fleece them with marketing-babble, I will combine several overused phrases into a brand new one: “Leveraging low hanging synergies outside the vertical fruit box”.

Happy Birthday to the crown jewel of American cinema. Walken is 62 years young today! In celebration, have a quick peek at this list of facts and trivia from his fascinating life. Among my favorites:

• Always tries to work a jig (dance) into his movies.
• Jerry Lewis influenced Walken to make show business his career.
• Was George Lucas‘s second choice for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars
• Worked briefly as a lion tamer in a circus at age 15.
• Was on Natalie Wood‘s yacht the night she drowned.
• Only Oscar-winning actor to portray a 007 villain, in A View to a Kill.
• Along with Alec Baldwin, he has a standing invitation to host “Saturday Night Live” (1975) every year.
• In his 35 years in film, he has acted in well over 90 films. He rarely turns down a part, under the belief that making movies (whether they turn out good or bad) is always a rewarding experience.

Chris is a national treasure. If I could, I’d roll back the clock so we all can get to enjoy him for another 50 years or so. I found this image at the forever awesome Fark Photoshop contest and wanted to share.

John Vernon, one of the most consistently effective onscreen villains of all time – best known as Animal House’s Dean Wormer – died Tuesday at the age of 72. Born in Zehner, Saskatchewan, Vernon played baddies opposite legends like Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood. He then spent his twilight years doing voiceovers for popular cartoons and video games, working right up until the time he cashed in his chips.

One of his last appearences was for 2003’s DVD release of Animal House, where he participated in a ‘where are they now?’ segment in character as Wormer. I’ve seen it and it’s hilarious. Also funny is that I just watched this movie just last weekend whilst playing ‘Asshole’ with Seamus and Meredith. I laughed for 2 minutes at the quote below, until remembering I was 31 years old and drinking heavily at 3 in the afternoon.

“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”



Then I kept right at it. What would Blutowski have done? Oh yeah – dead at 33. Forget I brought it up.

Last week, I suggested that Michael Moore would be perfect to play Clyde the orangutan in a fantasy remake of the seminal Clint Eastwood classic, ‘Any Which Way You Can’. I have since rethought my childish barb and want to issue a full apology to Mr. Moore and any other moonbats who may have been offended by my ignorant suggestion.

My reason for the retraction has nothing to do with a new found respect for the man. On the contrary – I still think he’s an overrated, slovenly mound of stegasaurus dung. I’ve just found a more appropriate part for him, is all. They’ve cast almost every role for the upcoming remake of Charlotte’s Web – that heartwarming tale from our youth (if you’ve never read it then you obviously grew up on the moon). Have a read and see if you can remember what major character is conspicuously absent from the article.

OK – do you see where I’m going with this now? Need I say more? Someone get that fat windbag on the phone and let him know that his dream role is about to be lateraled to Louie Anderson.

I have officially attained bloggish success. I rank #6 in Google for the phrase “billy batts shinebox”. I know this because I can see where my visitors come from, what search engine they used and what keyword phrase brought them here. I also aspire to sleep with a woman again someday despite my abhorrent nerdery.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I can die now.

Eastwood’s best gunslinging days are far behind him. Responsible for more on-screen deaths than Charlie Bronson, nowadays he’s content to kick ass behind the camera. But Clint had that old glint this week at an awards dinner where he addressed Michael Moore during an acceptance speech.

“… Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera – I’ll kill you. I mean it.”

I don’t think you want to mess with the dude who played both Dirty Harry and The Man With No Name. If Moore still really wants to work with Clint in some capacity, might I suggest a remake of Every Which Way But Loose? Not for the title role – that would obviously go to Johnny Knoxville. I’m thinking of Mike because they’ll need a replacement for Clyde the fat hairy orangutan. Alternately he should be talking to the Beethoven people.

Remember that movie from 1984 where Timothy Hutton discovers the Neanderthal frozen in the arctic and then brings him back to life? Basically he thaws the smelly bugger out, hides him from some dissection-happy fellow scientists and then teaches him to sing Heart of Gold by Neil Young. While I think Neil Young is a God, I probably would have started with Bill Russell’s A Little Bit of Soap.

As you may know it’s been an unusually warm winter here in Boston so far, with this past week bordering on humid. And I thought I saw an Iceman on the way to work this morning. As he approached me, I tried to identify the sort of animal hide he was wearing, checked his hands for wooly mammoth flesh scraping tools and wondered if I’d be able to get him back to my laboratory for some guitar lessons without a net and a tranquilizer dart.

Then he asked me for a quarter. Previously driven inside by the bitter cold, Boston’s homeless have returned to the streets in force. My great contributions to science and guitar-driven rock will have to wait a bit longer.

A few weeks back my friend Brukkake asked me to help him out with an article he was writing. He’s a news writer for SearchCIO.com and wanted to put together a fun, year-end piece about what some of his readers thought about current and upcoming movies. Sounds innocent enough, right?

Take a gander at the finished product, Geeks Weigh In On The Best Movies of 2004. Look for a witty jab from yours truly, Mr. ” It’s Looking More And More Like They’ll Find Me Dead Beside A Trunk Full of DVD Porn”, in the very last paragraph.

Am I like Booger? A huge dork who doesn’t realize he’s a huge dork? A giant dweeb who’s dweebiness is apparent to everyone except him? A pathetic los… Wait. Don’t answer that. Don’t answer any of those. Goodnight.

Running a little sluggish today. I was up until 3 am watching the election results come in, surfing between 5 or 6 of the main news channels and trying to get a reasonable semblance of what was happening. Dan Rather, fighting back tears, said that Kerry still had a fighting chance. Larry King and Wolf Blitzer were hanging on by a thread, interviewing Democratic Party lawyers who were already plotting their antipathy. Al Franken was drawing an illegible map of the USA on a whiteboard and calling Kerry way ahead, all the while referring to any state he colored red as “one of the dumb states”. And all this was happening 3 hours after Fox had already given Ohio to Bush, pretty much sealing things up for another four.

Now, we all know that there isn’t, and never has been, the slightest inkling of a liberal media bias. So why then did Fox and ABC jump to give Florida and Ohio to the GOP, and why has the Bush camp now all but declared victory? Why is it now being reported that Bush has surpassed Reagan and broken the all-time popular vote total?

You guessed it. Space aliens.

But fear not – Objective crusader for truth, and definitely not an irresponsible partisan hack, Michael Moore sped to Ohio last night just as soon as he saw how smoothly tabulations were going where he was lying in wait for a scandal in Florida. Nope, the real mustard and material for his next Oscar-winning cinematic masterpiece would have to be manufactured elsewhere.

So as the whining begins in my home state of Massachusetts (I live about a 10 minute walk from John Kerry) I look forward to the giggles I’ll get out of the conspiracy theories that will undoubtedly start pouring in. My friend is having a contest on the subject, and I’ve already spotted a side-splitter while reading the news this morning. Then, of course, there’s always the possibility that Kerry will concede – that would be classy. Oh wait – he just did.

Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon? Napoleon Dynamite : Whatever I feel like I wanna do, gosh!

I didn’t like this movie until I actually saw it. Several friends asked me to go see it with them, but I declined. I thought I had it all figured out based solely on trailers I’d seen – nerdy guy in midwestern town gets picked on by jocks until somehow managing to overcome his nerdy hardships and win over the girl in the end. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much what happens, so I was right to an extent.

But what surprised me about the film was that at first glance the Napoleon character is totally unlikeable. He’s abrasive, grumpy, rude and living in a fantasy world to boot. A fantasy world chock full of Scottish wizards, bow staff battles and sweet jumps. He’s mean to his grandmother, his brother, his teachers, the school nurse and even a Llama named Tina. But when new student Pedro arrives at the school, Napolean befriends him immediately and he lightens up a bit.

Napoleon Dynamite : Who are you gonna ask to the dance? Pedro : That girl right there. Napoleon Dynamite : Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that? Pedro : Build her a cake or something.

“Build” a cake they do, and things start looking up for Napoleon on the social front – but every movie needs conflict, and when a girl enters the picture there are falling outs left right and center. Napoleon, through the discovery of an ancient dance lesson video, bails his friends out of a few tough situations and ultimately wins the day. And by the end of the movie you just love the kid.

Totally unformulaic, original, funny and with more heart than Ann and Nancy Wilson – I highly recommend this movie. It’s bizarre cult following has led the movie studio to reintroduce it around the country in wide-release. Go see it, GOSH!

Deb : What are you drawing? Napoleon Dynamite : A liger. Deb : What’s a liger? Napoleon Dynamite : It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic.

It’s Christmas, New Years Eve and Groundhog Day – all wrapped up in to one in movie-geek land. Yes folks – there’s a new Wes Anderson movie being released on December 1st and it’s called The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. In addition to cast staples Angelica Huston, Bill Murray and Owen Wilson, Wes Anderson’s ever-growing following as a filmmaker has enabled him to land more heavies this time around. Willem DaFoe, Michael Gambon (The new Dumbledore), Cate Blanchett and Jeff Goldblum round out the cast. Anderson alumni Gweneth Paltrow (The Royal Tannenbaums) and Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore) were slated to participate but couldn’t due to scheduling conflicts they vehemently tried to get out of.

The movie was originally entitled simply “The Life Aquatic” – Steve Zissou is the name of Murray’s character – and many people whom have yet to leave their parent’s basement have been left scratching their heads as to why the title was changed. You know that decision wasn’t handed down from the marketing department. Yikes.

Much like Scorcese before him, Anderson likes to work with the same core group of actors over and over again – an ensemble if you will – and they, in turn, line up and change their schedules to work with him. It shows through in the finished product, and Wes has done as much for the careers of Bill Murray and the Wilson brothers (more actually) as they have done for him. His first film, Bottle Rocket, was the first noteable movie Luke and Owen were ever in – the three of them are very old friends.

And let’s face it, Bill Murray was in a bit of a slump before his brilliant turn as Herman Blume in Rushmore. As much as we all loved The Man Who Knew Too Little (sarcasm duly noted, I’m sure) his career has been on the upswing ever since he first locked horns with Max Fischer.

Alright – so I’ll just come out and say it. I’ll be there – as I was for the Tannenbaums – at the first matinee on opening day. I should also come right out and say that it comes as no shock I’m still single. Thank you.

The Goodfellas Special Edition DVD was released yesterday – and I, for one, have been waiting longer than it took Billy Batts to finally die in Henry Hill’s trunk. Here is an interesting article about cast members getting together for a dinner Monday night to mark the occassion. Apparently Ray Liotta hasn’t watched the film since its release 15 years ago!

The first version was widely regarded as one of the worst DVDs ever released for such a high profile film. Nearly as bad as Morris Kessler’s toupee. But the powers that be have redeemed themselves, possibly under threat of kneecapping, and this new Special Edition is a doozy.

Here are some of the highlights:

– Commentary by director Martin Scorsese with cast and crew

– Commentary by ex-gangster Henry Hill and ex-FBI agent Edward McDonald

– New digital sound and picture

– “Getting Made” making-of featurette

– “Made Men” other filmmakers on the influence of GoodFellas

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll be watching it tonight. Likely whilst rubbing myself with voracious fanboy glee and eating ziti. In honor of this special occasion, I thought I’d link my old Goodfellas review for all you eager goombas.

“Now go home and get your fucking shinebox”

While Woody Harrelson can usually be found throwing rocks at police, when they’re protecting him on a film set he’s all smiles. That’s my buddy Herb on the right in between takes of Woody’s upcoming movie  The Prizewinner of Defiance Ohio.

Julianne Moore and Laura Dern are also in the flick, so I know Herb will be guarding them closely. Perhaps uncomfortably so. Perhaps it will even begin to border on ‘creepy’.

“Officer Drummond? That’s Ms. Moore’s trailer’s air vent you’re peeking into. The catering tent is over here. No don’t apologize – It happens all the time.”