Appetizer: What are your plans for the upcoming weekend?
I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage for nearly three weeks. And I’ve quite enjoyed my self-imposed sebbatical sobriety. But my ex, whom I have not seen in 3 years, is in town (we’re on good terms). And she’s Irish. Lock up your liquor. ‘Nuff said.
Soup: Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
Jim Fitzgerald, yesterday. But I rarely talk on the phone. Seriously. I’m not like Paulie from Goodfellas, who didn’t talk on the phone because he was afraid of wire taps. I simply don’t like phones. I have an aversion to them. I also don’t threaten or torture people when they fail to give me protection money on time. Stern brow-beating or the silent treatment is usually quite sufficient.
Salad: Name a hobby that you’ve tried but eventually gave up for some reason.
There have been many. I wanted to make stop-motion plastercine movies when I was a kid. That lasted a summer. I made a cool version of Friday The 13th. Went through a lot of red clay on that one. I also collected trading cards for awhile. Other Canadian kids were goo-goo over hockey cards. But I still have a photo album full of Raiders of the Lost Ark cards which I compiled in 1981. It got me a Cub Scout Collector Badge, and several severe playground beatings. I wasn’t always this large.
Main Course: What is the most important personality quality in a mate?
A nice ass. Oh, sorry. I misread that. A nice ass and the patience of a saint.
Dessert: Why is the sky blue (be creative with your answer)?
Because he’s worried that with all the recent successes of SpaceShipOne, he’ll soon have a traffic jam on his nose. I said ON HIS NOSE. A-one and-a two and-a three. I don’t dance folks, this it it. I’m here all week – try the veal.
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