I have met 8 people in the last 48 hours who want to live with me. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly and it’s a bit frightening, truth be told. So I line them up, one after the other, and try and get a sense of who they are. A sense of what type of music will be blasting out of their room on a daily basis. A sense of how often I’ll come home to an apartment full of their friends. A sense of what discussion topics I can expect. A sense of purpose. A sense of pride. The will to live.
The following are all direct quotes taken from the interviewees, and the subsequent grades I marked beside their names in my potential roomate notebook:
I went all the way to the Coachella festival to see the Pixies. A+
This guy was cool, but I think he Googled me before he came over because our likes were just a little too similar. Eerily so. I was waiting for him to tell me that he was secretly Canadian, raised in Manotick and had a father named Gord. Actually, you can’t spit in Canada without hitting someone named Gord. Bad example. But don’t spit on my Dad unless you have good health insurance. Wait, everyone in Canada has health insurance. Dad – get an umbrella.
My boyfriend won’t like that I’m living with a guy. C-
Attractive, pleasant girl. But my name was in the roomate ad. Perhaps she thought “David” might be a girl’s name in inner-city neighborhoods. “Stevie! Did you see the friggin’ rack on David?” I want the half hour I spent listening to you talk about your boyfriend back. And (as an aside) a steak sandwich.
This is an interview? I might not get to live here if I want to? F
No, this is a homeless shelter – and I welcome any mentally deficient pee wafting vagrant off the street who might need a place to crash with open arms. Just pay me the rent when you get around to it. No pressure. What – you didn’t bring your suitcase with you?
Wish me luck people. If you don’t hear from me for awhile, it’s because I let Dahmer move in with me.
Dave,
If it turns out that A+ guy was full of shit and you do end up taking in a “mentally deficient pee wafting vagrant off the street”…and he ends up peeing on the mattress and ruining it…I happen to have a brand new mattress for sale! I can let it go for…say…for you?…$50! Check it out!: http://tonybilbao.com/ebay/mattress/content.html
T-Bone,
Buying a mattress from you, would be like buying used prophylactics from Ron Jeremy. Or something like that. Your mattress is probably like a giant redwood, only instead of sawing it in half and counting the rings to determine the age, you need only saw it in half and count the various stains. But your heart is in the right place.
Well, the DNC (Democratic National Convention) will be in Boston soon, you’ll have plenty of roomates to choose from, for that week. I’m renting my space for the RNC (Republican National Convention), this August.
What’s this? You mean, I can’t just come down, check it and move in? Well that hardly seems fair now does it?… I mean, I’m taking the time out of my own day to trodge all the way down there to pizzaville to eyeball your flat and meet the likes of you and now you’re saying I can’t just move in if I want to? That’s a nerve now isn’t it? What’s your point then? Do you want to rent the place or not?
Pee-wafting mendicants are the ultimate aphrodesiac. In Guam. I prefer “stoolies” myself.
BUT CAN THEY HANG SHELVES – BLUE COLLAR LIKE –
Very Confused – Monster!