Pop Culture Blog: Music, Movie and Humor

Leveraging low-hanging synergies outside the vertical fruit box since 1999.

The H Is O.


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Some quick endorsements: >> Only one apartment left to fill. If you have anyone in mind, forward the link. It’s a great pad. >> Aubs is selling 2 tickets to a reggae concert at the BOA pavilion on August 19th. Email me if you’re interested. I’m sure as hell not, ya lazy bloodclot. The closest I get to reggae is one particular ska song which is on my all time top 10 favorites list – Ghost Town by the Specials. And the theme song for Cops which I watch so frequently I can also probably be considered a little special.

It’s only fitting that I write something about the intense heat today, as it’s forecast to go up to a near record-breaking 100+ degrees on this fine Wednesday. The heat is on, little babies. And Boston is like an egg that’s been cracked on a griddle. Which has then been placed on the surface of the sun. I assume by a rather bored division of NASA, but I’m not really sure how this analogy ends. Let’s just end it.

The heat is taxing. Draining. I ran up and down the floors of my building 7 times yesterday, showing potential tenants the open apartments and roofdeck. When I crawled into bed to watch Saxondale last night, I quickly fell into the deepest sleep I’ve had in a long time. And it was murder getting up this morning. I still feel like I ran the Boston Marathon yesterday, and maybe even crapped down my leg like that woman from a few years back. Nah, I had white pants on and would have noticed.

Stay cool, people. Drink lots of fluids and lay off dairy. Huddle under AC units, even if they give you dry eyes or sore throats and remember the immortal words of Walter Winchell – “It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”

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Four Fun At 105 Degrees.


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1. You know how your dog or cat tends to do OK comfort-wise no matter how cold it gets in the winter? The same is not true when it’s 105 degrees in Boston. Make sure you leave all the windows closed when you go to work, and switch off the AC to battle those ridiculous Keyspan bills. When you get home, your pet of choice will be crying and crawling around really drunkenly with its tongue out. It looks like they’re doing a Tara Reid impersonation. Hey everybody – my spaniel is Tara Reid! It never gets old. Coincidentally, neither do any of my pets.

2. Sneak down to the Charles under cover of darkness and fill the wheel wells of one of the Duck Boats with pureed turkey, tuna and raw chicken breasts. By about 10am the smell in those WW2 kilhns should be so bad that even the stray cats and German tourists are gagging.

3. Feed the homeless. They’re out in filthy droves, and you’re a sensitive college student, so spend a night of beer money on sustinence for our more unfortunate citizens for a change. I recommend porridge, french onion soup, raw habanero peppers and salt licks.

4. Take advantage of the local swimming holes. The swan boats only come around every 10 minutes or so, and unlike the Duck Boats they’ve never been equipped with 50 caliber machine guns (to the best of my knowledge). So pop in for a dip when the coast is clear – but wear sandles as the bottom of the pond is very rocky. At least, that’s what I heard from a guy that I know for a fact dumps syringes in there.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: The Littlest Nostril.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: What’s the funniest dream you can remember having?
I don’t dream much. But when I was younger I’d frequently wake up and be frustrated that I wasn’t actually Spiderman. The dreams were vivid – shooting webs to swing from building to building, fighting Rhino and Doc Ock, immobilizing Mary Jane Watson with webbing and then making her watch me dance around in my dead grandmother’s clothes whilst weeping profusely. Children fantasize about the darndest things.

Soup: If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
I’d be a German Shepherd. Because, truth be told – There’s a voice that keeps on calling me. Down the road is where I’ll always be. Every stop I make, I’ll make a new friend. Can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want settle down. Until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on.

Salad: Continue this sentence: “I get confused when…”
… a mathematical equation is thrown my way. I have never been super good with numbers. I have managed several bars, and was in charge of thousands of dollars a night in the face of some aggressively thieving bartenders, so I coped. I also manage my building now which involves a lot of paperwork. But if I had my way, the closest I’d get to math would be figuring out on which chapter of the Body Double DVD you get to see Melanie Griffith’s puckered nostril.

Main Course: Name 2 things that need doing, but you are procrastinating about.
In addition to becoming an adult, I’ve been agonizing about tidying my apartment. I went ballistic on it about a month ago, but several house guests later it’s in need of another deep-cleaning. So that’s my Saturday morning mapped out – and I don’t really mind one bit. Fruit flies and police tape lose their charm after a few weeks.

Dessert: When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
A co-worker made me eat her clam on Monday night. It’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds. We were sitting in a post-office group at MJ O’Connors when the gauntlet was thrown down. I was enjoying my curry fries when a big bowl of the smelly sea dwellers was dropped on the bar for the others. Knowing full well I hate seafood, I was browbeaten into submission and grabbed myself a shell. I was actually pleasantly surprised – I was expecting a clammy taste. Instead, I got more of a “fishy/industrial strength rubber band/filthy dead rotting trout floater” sort of a flavor. Goes to show you – never say never.

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You’re An Internet Marketer. So Market On The Internet.


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Pet supplies, quality assurance products, calling cards, blinds, air purifiers, room nights, sox tickets, snowboards, coffee machines, insulin pumps – I try and help my clients sell it all. So why then don’t I spend more time using these skills chipping away at the bane of my existence – renting rooms and apartments in the North End?

It’s simple, really. As I’ve said before – If I could go back and start this blog again I would have made sure of 2 things: 1) I would have built it using Wordpress. 2) I would have kept it anonymous. But since my neck is already exposed let’s talk about what I have coming up in September – even if it is only in the interests of generating an incoming link (crucial to SEO my friends,) to my building-specific site. If you’re looking for a boston north end apartment, prick up your ears, prick.

– 1 Bedroom, 2 floor apartment with a great kitchen and lots of room. $1400+ a month. Ideal for a couple, or just a really fat bloke.

– 3 Bedroom apartment right next to roofdeck I’ll throw you off of if you make too much noise after 10pm. $2400+ a month. Form a line to the left.

– And the grand prize – 1 bedroom in my 3 bedroom apartment. $780 +. Dear old Nate has been transfered to NYC, and Tommy and I need a new third. We also need a new roomate (rimshot). All the apartments have access to the roofdeck and there’s a washer/dryer in the building.

For all the moaning I do about my building, there’s a reason I’ve lived there for almost 7 years. I’m single, broke, obsessive-compulsive, have a cat, smell funny, have made a disgusting nest out of an old mattress/saliva and have buried a staggering amount of prostitutes in the earthen cellar. But besides that, I love it. AND we’re about to get a brand new roofdeck installed in the coming weeks. Just putting it out there. You never know. Email me if you’re homeless, soon-to-be homeless and do not smell like pee.

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