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A Decade And A Half Of Extreme Mediocrity.


in Reminiscent

Doug sent me this photo last night from a couple of Thanksgivings ago. It’s really remarkably good, if of course you know any of the participants. I took a lot of photos this night at Jim’s too – but none of them really captured the moment as well. Shortly prior to Doug’s email, Phil dropped me a line and asked me to help organize… wait for it… my 15 year high school reunion. The 10 year was a blast, so of course I agreed, but jeepers. 15 years. Nostalgia started creeping in a little bit, and I figured I’d say a few words about how I feel turning into the home stretch of this awful anniversary.



Everyone thinks that they know crazy people, or fun people, or maybe that their high school was a little bit nuts. CCHS, from about 88-92, was a special time. By the time we all got to college in 1992, we were bored. There are many people who’ll attest to that fact. We sowed the shit out of our collective oats. School and town officials really started to crack down after then, and it can all be traced back to the video tape of a party at a certain person’s house – who may or may not be typing this right now – which got about 25 kids kicked off of sports teams. Worst part is, the host in question wasn’t even going to the high school at this point. Anyway, it was the beginning of the end of the insanity.

Concord is a very affluent town, and many of our parents had lots of room for vacations, or even summer/winter houses in other states. My point is – every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night – without fail – there was a party. And if there wasn’t a house to haunt, we’d take it outside. Namely “Eden”, “Boonyards” or “The Mayflower”. We got pinched at Eden once, and a friend went to the clink for peeing on the fire after the police told him to put it out. Jeeps full of soldiers with M-16s invaded Boonyards another time, as we’d failed to realize the muddy lot was in fact property of Hanscom Airforce Base. We were resourceful, we had a little money, we all had our own cars – it was a minor delinquency Neverland.

There are a hundred good stories, that we delight in telling to eachother when we all get together – which I can never reveal here. So I’ll keep it general: We so crazy. I have lived in a lot of places, and known a lot of people, but this bunch is a special one and I hope we’re all still in contact on the eve of the 30 year. I know we will be. People say to me sometimes, I can’t believe you still hang out with and keep in touch with all your high school friends. And to them I say – Why the hell not? You grow up with these people. They know you better than anyone. Why would you ever throw all that away because you move half an hour away. Why would you throw that away if you moved to fucking Singapore? I like having good friends. Maybe it’s just me.

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Wednesday Weigh In #2: Shape Up Or Ship Out!


in

“Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.” – Stuart Smalley.

A grand total of 2 people have checked in with their new weights so far today, and sadly – one of them was me. I am deadly serious about the Pork Ass Challenge, and anyone who does not get their latest fatbody figures to me by midnight today will be removed. So let’s keep it going and I don’t have time to chase you, lardies. Participant names will be bolded as the results come in.

– Monster >> Current: 270 / Last Week – 272 / Target 255 / Gained 2
– Smash >> Current: 139 / Last Week – 139 / Target 129 / Lost 0
– Pyeman >> Current: 226 / Last Week – 230 / Target 210 / Lost 4
– Greg >> Current: 205 / Last Week – 205 / Target 170 / Lost 0
– DVS >> Current 250 / Last Week – 252 / Target 210 / Lost 2
– Aubz >> Current: 134 / Last Week – 135 /Target 125 / Lost 1
– Ka-Rista >> Current: 159 / Last Week – 160 / Target 140 / Lost 1
– Venditti >> Current: 232 / Last Week – 238 / Target 219 / Lost 6
– Sly >> Current: 216 – Last Week – 218 / Target 205 / Lost 2
– LBN >> Current: 155 / Last Week – 157 / Target 135 – Gained 2
– BDoyle >> Current: 189 – / Last Week – 190 / Target 175 / Lost 1
– AllMusicFan >> Current: 185 – Target 170 – Lost 0
– Brick02 >> Current: 154 / Last Week – 154 / Target 144 – Lost 0
– Piglet >>> Current: 148.5 / Last Week – 151 / Target 135 / Lost 2.5
– Richard >> Current: 180 / Last Week – 185 / Target 170 – Lost 5

Good lord this is more fun than the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Only less Kenyans. Did I have a miserable week? Not really. I ate the cheese off a piece of pizza. Took a run around the Public Gardens and Common. Ate 6 protein bars and a lot more fruit and veggies than normal. I also murdered about a box of green tea. It’s almost fun, as hard as it is to admit. And I’m not having any trouble with my momentum this week. Share your weekly experiences, diet, tips, anecdotes etc. in the comments below. Keep ‘er fuckin’ goin, guys! We can do this.

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Trailer Park Boys Return To Glory.


in Television

Before we get started, the second weigh-in of the PITFPAC is tomorrow morning – sharpish! If you lollygag, pussyfoot or otherwise slack on getting me figures, you’ll be culled from the determined flock of 15 and left to wallow in your own porktralesence.

Every year around this time, my beloved Trailer Park Boys begins another series on Showcase in Canada. Through devious and piradacious means, I get to watch them about 12 hours after they premier. I was quite unimpressed with Season 5, and lost a lot of my TPB zeal. You could say I feared they had truly jumped the shark somewhere around the introduction of Conky in Season 4. But I take it all back. Season 6 is killing me thus far. I found this graphic yesterday, someone obviously took the TPB characters and morphed them into South Park cartoons, and I knew it was time to write about the new hotness…

I am just going to bulletpoint a few things that have happened in the first 2 episodes The Way of the Road and The Cheeseburger Picnic. Fans of the show will ‘get it’, and people who haven’t seen it will be so morbidly transfixed by these statements that they’ll be forced to rush out and get the DVDs for Seasons 1-5.

– Bubbles opens a day care center for cats called “KittyLand”. While he is currently working for free, as he owns about 30 of them anyways, he hopes to eventually make some cash caring for other people’s. He’s built a mini amusement park on the front lawn of his shed and it looks ridiculous.
– Julian made $8200 selling potato vodka in jail, and also got his real estate license during his last stint. He buys a run-down trailer from Barb Lahey in episode 1 and now intends to ‘flip’ them for an honest living.
– J-Roc has 2 pregnant “Baby Momma’s” living with him and T-Bone, and is also trying to go legit. No longer stealing groceries or rapping, J-Roc seems to be trying to get in on the whole real estate thing with Julian.
– Ricky and his father Ray have developed a new scheme – stealing garbage. “Once it’s at the curb, it’s garbage“. So naturally they pull a lot of lawn furniture down to the end of people’s driveways when they’re not home and then come back for it later. The garbage strategy is becoming a problem for his reconciliation with Lucy, because “He always smells and bees follow him everywhere“.
– Randy and Mr. Lahey break up. Jim moves in with his ex-wife Barb to sober up, and Randy starts spending a lot of time with two local cops. Lahey mixes iced tea into his rye bottles to appear drunk when he’s really sober, and plans to lull the boys into a false sense of security and then get them out of the park once and for all. Lucy tries to seduce the cops at the park’s first annual Cheeseburger picnic with her hot dog eating techniques, but they seem more interested in Bo-Bandy. Sam Losco also crashes the proceedings.
– Sarah, Corey and Trevor, still dating as a threesome, open a convenience store in a shed in the park. It seems like a good idea, as Bubbles in particular is always going down there for “pop n’ chips“, but everyone’s credit seems to be great at this particular store, and I don’t see it ending well for park commerce.
– Ray gets kicked out of the park for his urine disposal methods. A former trucker, Ray claims that pissing into 2 liter jugs and then throwing them into the tree on his property is simply “The Way of the Road”. Bubbles thinks that “firing pissy jugs into the forest isn’t the way of any fuckin’ road“. Randy and the cops agree, and Ray has to take his detached semi sleeper cab and move to the nearby dump.

I couldn’t make this shit up. Welcome back TPB, and I can’t wait to see the movie this summer. See the hilarious trailer here. BTW – a Saturday afternoon North End Season 6 marathon is forthcoming as soon as I get a few more of them. And you didn’t hear this from me, but you can download them yourselves via torrent here. Stay tuned for an afternoon of rye, chicken fingers and pepperoni very soon…

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Not Even MTV 2 Plays Music Videos.


in Musical

But they do play the Andy Milonakis Show all day. And it’s brilliant. So I spent 5 minutes trying to learn some more about him. He’s 29, he’s Jimmy Kimmel’s buddy and he has a growth hormone issue which makes him look like he’s 12 years old. Recently he has been dating Desa Crabtree, an aspiring model from Denver,Colorado – so for a fat 30 year old man with a serious medical condition, he’s doing alright. Watch the show if you get a chance – if I had my own TV program, this would be it. Stupid, stupid brilliant humor.

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