Appetizer: What movie soundtracks do you own?
If by own you mean ‘find’ online – I recently got Spamalot, and have always been partial to Blade Runner. Vangelis, not the orchestral version. Once, 10 years ago when I worked at David’s Bistro in Acton, I put the BR soundtrack into the dining room stereo alongside Sinatra, Ella, etc. I was really into it at the time and thought it was amazing. I honestly believed the somber, space melodrama would go over like gangbusters on the suburban, rich Massachusetts crowd. After the third diner shoved a rusty nail through their hand, I skipped over to In the Wee Small Hours.

Soup: How much cash do you usually spend on a weekend?
Depends what I’m doing, who I’m with and where I am, I suppose. There are wedding weekends – which cost as much as most cars, and then there’s couch weekends – where $4 will get you a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and Meatballs 2. I forgot there was a space alien in Meatballs 2. How did Bill Murray not rush back to do this? (I am working from home today).

Salad: Have you ever seen an adult movie? Who is your favorite actor?
Can I plead the 5th on this one? There was an impressive stash of smut in my house growing up which I quickly located and pilfered. Probably explains a lot. When I was far too young to be enjoying it, I was a solid Amber Lynn fan. Recently, I saw Jim Norton do an interview with Belladonna which was hilarious – so I checked out some of her distinguished work. Breathtaking. Anyhew, porn stars are like legitimate celebrities now, and I shudder to think what future generations of warped youth are going to deem normal. “Sure I’ll go to the Prom with you, but only if you pee on me during Stairway to Heaven“.

Main Course: What is the most mischievous thing you remember doing as a child?
I’ve got to talk about “the move”. At Manotick Public School, where I did kindergarden – grade 5, the true measure of a man was their ability to play King of the Mountain. The harsh Ottawa winters would produce mountains of snow, pushed to the sides of the school parking lot by plows. After a fresh downfall, there would be enormous walls of packed snow all over the place. When recess came, we’d all run out of the doors, through the lot and start climbing up the piles. You had to get up there early, or you’d get taken out before you got settled.

There were 3 bullies who usually had it in for me – the Hutt twins and Richie. They were all big farm kids who liked to prove their toughness against me at every opportunity – as I was a big kid too. So after we’d collectively finished off all of the smaller buggers, they’d set their sights on me. Now, when you got pushed off of the mountain, you’d fall a good distance and sometimes split your lip. So the stakes were high. I developed a “move” that no one was able to dodge or replicate – and I won every single lunchtime. When one of them would charge towards me, their arms extended, I would tuck my arms into my chest and begin to spin – but slowly neough that they couldn’t really notice. When they hit me, arms fully extended, my momentum would spin them around 90 degrees and they’d be rife for a violent kick in the ass, and off the mountain. I call it ‘snow cred’ looking back.

Dessert: Have you seen your family tree? Does one exist?
I emailed my aunt just last week to get some info on my family – as I realized how little I knew. I don’t even know my grandfather’s first name, for example. He died when my father was 13. I found a site called Ancestry.com and decided to start a tree there – then send it to older members of my extended family to see what we come up with. I will keep you posted on my family tree, as I’m sure you’re all waiting to hear that I’m the missing link.