Last St. Patrick’s Day I wrote up a little criticism of Boston SPD revelers which I still think is pretty funny. So have a look before you read on today. I don’t think I’ll top it in my current work-stressed state of mind. To quote one of my own thoughts from last year: “As it grows closer to quitting time, I’d just like to voice my appreciation for holidays which revolve entirely around alcohol. My 2nd favorite being, of course, Arbor Day.” Rather than try to be cute today I’m going to provide a few plageurized facts…

– St. Patrick’s Day marks the Roman Catholic feast day for Ireland’s patron saint, who died in the 5th century. St. Patrick (Patricius in Latin) was not born in Ireland, but in Britain.

– At a meeting of the American Heart Association in Orlando, Florida, three years ago, researchers reported that Guinness may be as effective as daily aspirin in reducing the blood clots that cause heart attacks.

– Irish brigands kidnapped St. Patrick at 16 and brought him to Ireland. He was sold as a slave in the county of Antrim and served in bondage for six years until he escaped to Gaul, in present-day France. He later returned to his parents’ home in Britain, where he had a vision that he would preach to the Irish. After 14 years of study, Patrick returned to Ireland, where he built churches and spread the Christian faith for some 30 years.

– Many myths surround St. Patrick. One of the best known—and most inaccurate—is that Patrick drove all the snakes from Ireland into the Irish Sea, where the serpents drowned. (Some still say that is why the sea is so rough.) But snakes have never been native to the Emerald Isle. The serpents were likely a metaphor for druidic religions, which steadily disappeared from Ireland in the centuries after St. Patrick planted the seeds of Christianity on the island.

– In the United States, it’s customary to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. But in Ireland the color was long considered to be unlucky. Irish folklore holds that green is the favorite color of the Good People (the proper name for faeries). They are likely to steal people, especially children, who wear too much of the color.

– Today New York’s St. Patrick’s Day parade is the longest running civilian parade in the world. This year nearly three million spectators are expected to watch the spectacle and some 150,000 participants plan to march.

Tonight will be my last hurrah before a grueling 3-day performance schedule. I will be at Tiernans ‘larging it’ by 9pm if anyone’s looking for something to do. I had better plans, but they fell through – however I’m keeping a stiff upper liver. It’s nice to have a local, a home base, a rock – full of people you know no matter what night of the week you drop in. This is one of the things I miss about England, but over the years T’s has become an extension of my living room. So, when all is said and done, I suppose my St. Patrick’s Day is going to be spent exactly as it was meant to be, and has been for the last 7 years now. Slainte!

My first, and let’s face it – probably last – acting foray begins this Sunday evening. Don’t be Afraid of the Dark hits the stage at the Improv Asylum this week to I’m assuming awesomely rave reviews and soggy-eyed packed houses. This will be my final pre-play shuck and jive, and I encourage you all to come check out one of the performances. I have almost 20 friends confirmed to come to the Tuesday 7pm show – as that is the last performance and I intend to have a celebratory cockytail or two afterwards in a licensed North End purveyor of adult libations. If you want to come, make it Tuesday night and let me know so I can reserve you a ticket. While you’re making up your mind, have a gander at our first cast photo:

Let’s see… you’ve got the vamp, evil monster, ingenue, shrew, maid, butler, nerd, nurse, male nurse, lawyer and cop (me). And let me save you the trouble – I’m obviously also a huge nerd, just not dressed as one in this particular example. Listen – I know it’s a school night, and some of you will have to drive a fair spell to get here, but I want everyone to be aware and have the details should you want to come and marvel at my almost unspeakable narcissism.

There’s a new fad sweeping the city of Boston and I’m going to need a little help from my readers in order to ever fully hope to fathom it. I’m talking about college age men, or slightly thereafter, walking around outside in 40 degree weather with shorts on. Cargo shorts usually, which end just above the knee and contain lots of interesting, and I’m sure integral, pockets. Without meaning to sound harsh, please kill yourselves.

Let’s say we’ve been in the middle of a cold snap, and then suddenly the temperature rises five points one sunny afternoon. These little bastards run home to change and come out in full force – inappropriate shorts just a’ blazing. I’m taking the time to write about this not because it offends me or because I’m concerned for their immune system or anything. It’s simply one of the most retarded things I’ve ever seen. It has to be the most uncomfortable and useless fad since the fucking corset.

Enthralled, annoyed and disturbed at the same time, this journalist looked for more re-re instances of this silliness online. Here’s what I found:

– A related discussion featuring some Canadian twat who says he wears the shorts just to see people’s shocked expressions. Wow – that is so punk rock.

– The Senior VP of HR at Microsoft wears shorts in winter. And eats concentrated orange juice cans full of bacon fat by the vanload, apparently.

– Someone visiting Brussels was so alarmed by the sight of shorts wearers that they snapped a picture and blogged it. Personally, I would have been more concerned with the man standing off to the right with his hands down the front of his pants – who also seems to be ‘enjoying’ the exposed flesh.

– A local Boston blogger originally from California also shares my bewilderment: There’s always the crazy guy who wears shorts all winter (I’m sure just to stand out–people call him the “shorts guy”). First of all, I’m glad you get to help pick the nicknames, cause that one is world class. Secondly, of course he does it to stand out. He was probably raised in a closet by an uncle, and digitally bum raped multiple times on poker night.

This article is taking a sharp turn for the worst. Just stop wearing the shorts in winter people. Fauxhawks and bad lower-back tattoos serve the same purpose, and don’t lead to pnemonia.