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For The Love Of Quinn: SAVE TOUGH CROWD!


in Television

A lot of people saw and commented – via blog or IM/e-mail – on my post last week regarding the cancellation of Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. If you haven’t read it, please do so and save us all some time this post around. The nutshell: brilliant, topical, bi-partisan, current event debate show featuring the finest stand-up comics working today which is being canceled on November 4th.

I was lucky enough to get a ticket to the final taping and will be traveling down from Boston with Brukkake on a little daytrip, but that’s a small comfort. An associate of frequent Tough Crowd guest Jim Norton and the related website CringeHumor.net, was one of the people who found my article on Google and contacted me. Yesterday he IM’d me again to let me know about a new site which I wanted to pass along to anyone who cares. And judging from my server logs, a surprising number of you do.

The main goal of SaveToughCrowd.com is to get fans to email decision makers at Comedy Central and let them know just how many people truly love and support the show. The email addresses provided include Doug Herzog: President & CEO, Marc Leonard: Vice President of Program & Promotions Scheduling, Debbie Beiter: Vice President of Production & On-Air Promotions and Peter Risafi: Senior Vice President of On Air Promotion & Off Air Creative. Please visit the site and send a message of your own. I have.

Tough Crowd is being canceled because it loses too much of the audience which watches the show preceding it: the formerly-hilarious-and-currently-partisan-but-always-reprehensible Daily Show with it’s host Jon Stewart (who isn’t fit to sniff Tucker Carlson’s bicycle seat). The official show-biz term is ‘hemorrhaging’. But in this case I’ll settle for ‘catering to lefty college students’. The underlying argument is that the show never got a fair shot, with 98% of all Comedy Central’s marketing thrown behind Crank Yankers, Wanda Does It, Chapelle’s Show and Blue Collar Comedy Hour. And, as a frequent watcher of the channel, I firmly agree. So please do your part.

But if you’re a big fan of Larry the Cable Guy – you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about.

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Attack Of The Humbolt Flying Giant Squids.


in

More squidiness for those of you who still can’t believe that I spent last Saturday night writing about defunct Disney World rides. Over 1,500 Humboldt jumbo flying squid washed up on Long Beach Peninsula, and have been doing so in British Columbia and Washington as well. I guess that’s squid pro quo being under attack from soggy suicide bombers. OK that was a new low.

They’ve become so commonplace off the West coast in the past week that, in typical human fashion, people have started contemplating eating them. “I sure wouldn’t eat them. It would be like eating a deer on the side of the road,” said Greg Bargmann, a marine fish manager with the Washington Fish and Wildlife Department. “But if you catch them live they’d be good.” Hoo wee! Them squid’s good eatin’! Forget about roadkill possum sandwiches, let’s take a couple of shotguns down to the beach and catch us an eight-legger then go back and watch the Nascar. Whoops, wrong coast.

But what if these things were washing up on the East Coast – say, in a seafood crazy city like our own Boston? The Barking Crab would immediately become “The Flying Squid”. Harpoon would begin brewing Squidtoberfest, Fenway would begin serving Flying Franks, Humbolt chowder would become all the rage at Legal Seafood and a new nightclub would open up in the Alley called “Tentacles” which would attract patrons from as far away as Pawtucket.

Here’s a gallery from the website of a guy who apparently spends more time obsessing about giant squids than even I am capable of. Note in particular the photo of the two humbolts laid out beside a cooler to add scale to the image. Make that a large calamari to go. I mean, to run screaming.

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Giant Squids & Disney’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea Ride.


in Reminiscent

My sister went to Disneyland last weekend and confirmed what I’d heard for years and never wanted to believe. And no, it’s not that Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride is much scarier when you’re six. I’ll get back to this point.

Listen – don’t you just love it when they catch the giant squids? Last week off the coast of British Colombia, a salmon fisherman named Goody Gudmundseth netted a 20kg, 1.5 metre long Humbolt Squid. Also known as the Jumbo Flying Squid. Flying squids? Oh, Goody! Eventually Gudmundseth turned it over to the Royal B.C. museum for study, but said that he’d almost decided to “use the squid for bait or to eat it as calamari”. I don’t know what he was thinking about when he gave it to science. I mean just look at that delicious grey thing. Can you also jar up the squid juice out of the tub so I can pour it over my mashed potatoes tomorrow?:

But in 2002 a giant squid was caught off the coast of Tasmania that makes Goodie’s look like a malnourished Sea Monkey. Actually, it just washed up dead on the beach. Which is a good thing – they would have needed Captain Nemo, seaQuest DSV, Das Boot and Red October to catch this monster. The friggin’ thing was 60 feet long and weighed over 550 pounds! Add that to the fact that it reeked like a hundred dead carps in the sun, and you can understand why I was so excited.

As you can see by now, I’m a bit of a giant squid afficianado (form a line to the left, ladies) and so I found myself recently reminded of my favorite Disney movie, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. The nutshell: Captain Nemo rescues Peter Lorrie and Kirk Douglas after he sinks their ship. He shows them his ultra-modern submarine – The Nautilus – holds them captive and then gets killed by a big giant squid at the end. That was really only half a nutshell. But I love the film and even had the LP when I was a kid which I listened to on a Mickey Mouse record player to no end like a good little Disney zombie. So I guess that’s where the whole squid fascination thing comes from. There are worse things to be fascinated by. Like shiny keychains or Kreskin, for example.

So I was understandably psyched when my parents took me to Disneyland for the first time in the late 70’s – because I knew full well there was a big, glorious 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea Ride waiting there for me. The nutshell: You’d force your parents to wait in line in the hot Florida sun for 2 hours because there were only 2 subs going around on a track which each probably held about 10 people. You’d get in and listen to Captain Nemo take you on a tour of the lagoon, during which you’d see sunken ships, mermaids, Atlantis and yep – you guessed it – a giant squid. It was, in all fairness, a pretty cool ride for 1971. And I always found it incredibly eerie (I made three trips to Disneyland and rode it at least 5 times, the last hurrah being in 1991.)

You can still take a tour of the old ride on a site made by a similarly disgruntled fan here. And this is a page full of horrifying photos a Disney employee made during the old lagoon’s final destruction just this past July. And I have to give full credit to this guy, who has assembled an amazing collection of videos he was sent in by folks who’d taped the ride pre it’s 1994 demise and some great footage from a former Disney employee who worked on ride maintenance (no small feat) for a decade.

So the first thing I asked Janet when she got back from Disneyland Monday was “Is it true that they closed the 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea Ride?!” To which she looked at me like she’d just caught me dressing up like Captain Kirk and acting out scenes with imaginary Romulans or whatever they’re called. Which she hasn’t yet, by the way. And then replied simply, “Yes.”

Incidentally, that bastard Eisner has closed Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, too.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: The Cat And The Cobra.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: What is your favorite beverage?

A lot of Indian restaurants don’t have liquor licenses. I’m unsure if that’s because they don’t want to pay the fees or if it’s due to the rash of “Waiter, there’s a cobra in my soup” incidents prevalent in the late 70’s – but it’s a fact. I remember a place my parents used to take my sister and I in Ottawa when we were kids. You may think a lack of a liquor license would be an inconvenience to most – but as long as the restaurant didn’t sell any booze, people were allowed to bring and drink their own. So my Dad and his friends would go across the street get an armload of wine each and get juiced while gorging on tandoori and making inappropriate turban jokes (I remember “pull-start” being a popular one – I’ll explain it to you sometime in person). OK – long story short, so we didn’t feel left out, my sister and I would always order sweet lassis. This is not an affectionate border collie. It’s a non-alcoholic Indian drink made from yoghurt, and they are dee-lish. Friggin’ cobras.

Soup: Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.

Home: An orange cat. If you ever get a naughty instant message from me, blame his fondness for keyboard tap dance/my fondness for liquor. Work: Photo of me/Venditti/Herb and a Tim Hortons can full of pens.

Salad: On a scale of 1-10, how honest do you think you are?

I’m a solid 9. It also would depend on whether we’re talking work or personal life here. But basically I’d tell the Eskimos I sold ice to to stop whining because they should be looking forward to their new life living on Florida swampland, instead.

Main Course: You get to change the name of a city. How bout it?

Boston would be re-christened “I Thank-God-Every-Day-That-I-Don’t-Live-In-New-York-Ville

Dessert: What stresses you out? What calms you down?

Less Money. Mo’ Money.

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"My Philosophy" on KRS-One’s 9-11 Comments


in Musical

“Voting in a corrupt society adds more corruption. America has to commit suicide if the world is to be a better place.” – Kris Parker.

At a New Yorker Festival panel discussion this week, KRS-One (aka Kris Parker) of pioneering rap collective Boogie Down Productions had a few choice words on the subject of 9-11. I just stumbled across this article, in the middle of a busy workday, and had to take a moment to mete out some sort of response (aka vent on this clown).

It was bad enough when Jadakiss‘ song “Why” recently posed the awe-inspiring question ‘Why did Bush knock down the towers?’ and then stayed at the top of the charts for several weeks. If you need a Jadakiss barometer, it was shortly after the line ‘Why’d Halle Berry have to let a white man pop her to get an Oscar?’ Rest assured – If I ever needed advice on rolling blunts, wearing nothing but red velvet tracksuits or how to look like Charles Barkley with Down Syndrome, I’d certainly give Jadakiss a call.

But Parker has always presented himself as a prophet and scholar. Someone who will always ‘teach the truth to the young black youth’. Here’s a quote from his 1988 hit “My Philosophy” which I didn’t even have to look up. You see, I absolutely loved this song as a kid and remember it line for line to this day: ‘… but I don’t walk this way to portray – or reinforce stereotypes of the day – like all my brothas eat chicken and watermelon – talk broken english and drug sellin’ – see I’m tellin’ and teaching real facts…’. Well, Kris, when you were 18 you certainly were. But I wouldn’t let you teach “Being a Phenomenal Cunt – 101” at this point, even though you’d be an phenomenal candidate.

His quotes yesterday in NYC only get better. In addition to saying “9/11 happened to them, not us,” he clarified “them” as “those who are oppressing us. RCA or BMG, Universal, the radio stations.” Or, whitey and jewey as they’re more commonly known in Parker’s insensitive little mind. He also claimed that he and other rappers “cheered when 9/11 happened.” I find that rather difficult to believe and propose someone share the 9-11 victim demographics with him which are readily available on the ‘internets’.

I imagine Kris Parker actually spent the majority of that horrible day the same way everyone else in this country did – frantically making phone calls, glued to CNN, trying to find out if their brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers were still alive. As Parker has lived in New York City all of his life, I’d even be willing to bet my extensive collection of BDP CDs. That is, if I hadn’t just thrown them all in the garbage.

** Follow – Up 10/15/04



Kris Parker has apparently re-thought his inane outburst and had this to say:

“I was making an objective point about how many Hiphoppas as well as the oppressed peoples of the world felt that day,” KRS continued. “I am a philosopher and a critical thinker, I speak truth and I urge people to think critically about themselves and their environment. Yes, my words are strong. Yes, my views are controversial. But to call me a terrorist is simply wrong!”

“Terrorist”? I’ll settle for “breathtakingly moronic”. Why do I agree with the distinction? Because not even a terrorist could put a bullet behind the ear of your fading career the way you just did.

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