Folks, you should sit down for this. Apparently there exists someone with even more free time than myself. Below are some of my favorite blurts from a recently compiled list of the funniest commentator/athlete quotes from the 2004 Olympics. And with no further adue:

Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?”

At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

There are few things on this earth more breathtaking than an amazing snatch. Read the full list here.

I have previously vowed to keep this site bi-partisan, as political commentary is being done to death on every other blog in the Universe – and being done better. But I must reneg for a moment (heck, I gave the DNC plenty of coverage in July) and talk about Zell Miller’s speech last night in New York City at the Republican National Convention. He’s a Democratic Senator from Georgia and I don’t care who actually wrote this speech, but I’m linking to it because I’d like for y’all to read it. It echoes my own opinions on the state of the world right now, and why I firmly believe that regardless of your political leanings – change for change’s sake is an incredibly foolhardy idea at this moment in human history. Dig it.

“But don’t waste your breath telling that to the leaders of my party today. In their warped way of thinking America is the problem, not the solution.

They don’t believe there is any real danger in the world except that which America brings upon itself through our clumsy and misguided foreign policy.”

And I’m the King of France. And speaking of France, here’s my favorite excerpt:

“Senator Kerry has made it clear that he would use military force only if approved by the United Nations.

Kerry would let Paris decide when America needs defending.

I want Bush to decide.”

Read it for yourself.

It’s commonly accepted that beach volleyball originated in Santa Monica when nets were put up on a beach near the playground in 1920. Since then, its popularity has grown in leaps and bounds – and on September 21st 1993, the International Olympic Committee granted Beach Volleyball Olympic medal status. Much to the chagrin of feminists and sandcastles everywhere.

Earlier this year Margareta Winberg, the former Swedish minister for equality, said of Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball “This is not sport. This is sex-fixated entertainment”. Well, duh.

She’s got a valid point. But the men play in Speedos, the male equivalent of a bikini, and I don’t hear any women complaining about that. So I looked into some statistics: Men are allowed to play volleyball in shorts and speedos, while women are not allowed to wear bikini bottoms that have side seams that are broader than seven centimetres. So the rules for women don’t set a limit on the skimpiness of a bikini, but rather the opposite – they are required to keep their attire sufficiently jiggly and revealing. Those vicious Olympic bastards.

I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. OK, I’m lying. I’m a big fan. Did anyone else see the issue of Playboy with the nude pics of Gabriella Reece in it? Women Volleyball players have exceptional bodies. Kerry Walsh (pictured above) has a six pack that would make Schwartzenegger jealous. Since Walsh is from California, maybe Arnold could invite her to the Governor’s Mansion and get a few quick crunch tips. That is, of course, if she could stand all the Austrian grab-ass that would be sure to ensue.

Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball had pre-pubescent boys drooling all over their X-Box’s last year and became one of 2003’s top selling titles, and their fathers and older brothers were undoubtedly in the next room watching the real thing intently on ESPN8. But let’s not forget about Mom and Aunt Bunny upstairs in the den watching the men’s competition and sucking on Rocket Pops.

This reeks of a reverse double standard. I say equal-opportunity salivating is completely acceptable. If the men’s uniform was a three-piece woolen business suit, Mrs. Winberg – the Rocket Pops would be on me.

“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” –Robert Frost

I recently discovered that the most expensive keyword on the internet is Mesothelioma – a cancer that is caused from exposure to asbestos. What that means, is that if I’m an ambulance chasing lawyer, and I want to get my ads in front of someone using a search engine (Google, Yahoo, MSN etc.) then I have to pay the ad vendor (Google being the most prominent) upwards of $100 per click. Per click.

You won’t find these sorts of ads for brain, liver or breast cancer – only Mesothelioma. You know why? Because no one individual person or company can be held accountable for liver cancer. No blue chip giant can be bled dry because they’ve been proven as the cause of your Mom’s masectomy. People who can be linked to asbestos however (which has been known to be dangerous since after WWII and has not been in wide use since) are perfect targets for barracuda barristers. And there are so many potential cash cows – landlords, construction companies, your grandfather who happened to use asbestos when he was building a barn for your neighbor in 1932 – they can all be liable.

People who know I am into Search Engine Marketing have asked me, “How does Google make their money?” Now you know. I’m not criticizing Google or losing any sleep over that, though. Lawyers are the ones footing the bill. Not companies that want to provide information or relief to the cancer sufferers, but bloodsucking, bottom feeding lawyers. Mesothelioma has been making them a Mesothitload of money since the year it was identified and traced. Let them pay through the nose.

Mesothelioma related Google ads may show up on this page after it’s been live for a few days. Don’t click them unless you’re truly looking for information on the disease. I wouldn’t want to be accused of click fraud. However, God knows I need the money a lot more than Salomone.