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These are the Nazis of our Lives


in Heartwarming, Movies

In 1981, when I was 8 years old, my father brought me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark in Ottawa, Ontario. He was a stoic man to whom fatherhood did not come naturally, but we always found our common ground at the movie theater. I remember the night well, from the amazing film itself right down to checking the back seat of our Zephyr for mummies on the way home. Tomorrow, I am taking him to that same city to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – and the circle will be complete.

The only thing more unlikely than a fourth Indiana Jones movie might be that I once again live near Canada’s capital city… or maybe the fact that my 66 year-old father has a form of dementia that makes Alzheimer’s look like a garden party. If someone had told me several years ago that any of those 3 events were right around the next corner I’d have cheered, packed a snowsuit and then punched a wall in that order. Situations are what they are, and I hope that he enjoys himself and retains memory of the day to the extent that he can. It’s extremely strange to feel yourself slowly starting to grieve for someone who you still see everyday. It doesn’t take a narration by Freud’s ghost to explicate that the trip tomorrow is really for me.

I don’t often get personal on this blog, because sentimentality doesn’t tend to fit in well with giant squid news and dead hooker jokes, but the last couple of months have been rough. Things are sinking in, priorities shifting, novelties wearing off and I am starting to – dare I say it – grow up. I have to perform some calculated fat-trimming to my personal and professional life if I’m to be truly prepared for my next adventure. Sometimes, closure wears a fedora and hates snakes.

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Thank You, Sweet Baby Jesus.


in Movies

From IMDB:

“Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has proved a huge hit at the Cannes International Film Festival on Sunday – receiving a standing ovation from critics at its world premiere. The fourth installment of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas’ famous adventure franchise was one of the most eagerly awaited screenings at the French event, attracting a huge amount of hype and publicity. But weeks of speculation threatened to tarnish the premiere after rumors suggested the film had been panned by movie bosses at an exclusive initial screening in Los Angeles last month. However, the film – which sees 65-year-old Harrison Ford return to the role of Indiana Jones after a 19 year gap – was praised by the world’s media, reportedly garnering a three and a half minute standing ovation by the select few who were invited to watch it, according to American industry publication Variety.”

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Yes Miss Daisy!


in Friday's Quizzlet

Appetizer: What is the nearest big city to your home?
Ottawa, Ontario. I’m headed there this evening to see my friend Seany Mac whom I lived in residence with at Guelph. I haven’t seen him for a decade and I can’t wait. We recently got back in touch and I was pleased to learn he lives reasonably close to me. Then Saturday night I am going to my friend Adam’s for a BBQ. He was my neighbor and little buddy way back when I lived in Manotick around 7-11 years of age. They are coming out of the woodwork, and I love it.

Soup: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how well do you keep secrets?
I’ve been guilty of letting at least one juicy tidbit slip towards the wrong ears at least once in my life, but these days I pride myself on keeping my mouth shut. I’ll talk to close friends until the cows come home, but when in mixed company I tend to shift into “Hemingway mode”. Less is more. My senior superlative was “Talks Least, Says Most”, and I’m still kinda proud of that. Meanwhile, here I am maintaining a blog and blathering on for anyone who’ll listen.

Salad: Describe your hair (color, texture, length).
Short, fine and brown. I’ve had the same haircut for 20 years, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a blond spot that sets me apart a little. When the hair on top of my head gets a bit longish it becomes very pronnounced. Like a polkadot or something. You know what I just thought of then, that I haven’t in year? This, and I laughed.

Main Course: What kind of driver are you? Courteous? Aggressive? Slow?
It all depends on the car and the situation. On long country straightaways with little O.P.P. risk, I’m Steve McQueen. In downtown Toronto with my Mother’s minivan, I’m Hoke Colburn.

Dessert: When was the last time you had a really bad week?
I have no idea. I take it day by day and if things ever got to the point where I’d had 7 miserable 24-hour periods in a row there’d be something seriously wrong. Or I’d be in Newark.

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10 Things I’ve Learned as a First-Time Dog Owner


in Animalistic

Shep and Rhuby are already closing in on 6 months of age, which is incredibly hard for me to believe. I got them at about 8.5 weeks and to think I’ve had the little devils in my life for that long amazes me. I was a devout cat person for years, and if you’d ever told me I would end up with not one but two dogs – I’d have told you to take another nitrus hit out of your Grateful Dead balloon. Then beaten you up because you’d have been a hippy.

So what have I learned in my time as a puppy daddy, I asked myself. What new canine-related knowledge would I choose to impart if someone asked me? Here are some notes…

  1. People used to ask me why I didn’t want to have a dog. My answer was that they smell bad and fart a lot on top of it. My biggest complaint about my dogs thus far? They smell bad and fart a lot on top of it.
  2. Separtated, both dogs are obedient little angels. If Janet goes away for a few days and takes Rhuby you’d mistake Shep for Benji he’s so darn good. Together they’re like Gozer and the fucking keymaster.
  3. The doorbell, even when it’s only on the TV, is cause for a code red, four-alarm barkfest that would make you think the free members of the Manson family are on the doorstep.
  4. Spiders and mosquitos are dee-lish.
  5. They’re getting neutered and spade respectively at the 6 month mark in a couple of weeks. We’re getting dangerously close to puppy potency, and I’m seeing more lipstick out than a Revlon warehouse.
  6. They don’t always remember commands. They don’t always remember their names. But they’ll remember exactly where the dead beaver was even if you don’t take them down that road for a week.
  7. You know how you’d never dream of smoking inside your own home, but if your friend allows it in their house it’s OK? My dogs are like that – with feces. They’re not housebroken, they’re homebroken.
  8. Cat turds out of the litter boxe are dee-lish. If I spot Shep coming upstairs and he looks like he fell asleep in a bowl of Grape Nuts – it’s straight to the laundry sink for a mouthwash like I’m a housewife in the 1950’s whose child just said “aw, gee whiz“.
  9. Even if it’s 11:30 in the morning and the dogs aren’t due to eat for another 6.5 hours, yell “you wanna bone?” when they’re misbehaving or have run off – and they’ll drop everything and come back to you in a split second. They’re a lot like Kim Kardashian in that respect.
  10. When they’re curled up beside you on the couch, all is forgiven.

If the vast majority of these points seem like they revolve around doodies, it’s because they do. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little guys and have made a commitment for life. I just wish there was a bit less “nauture” involved sometimes. I’ll live and it’s worth it. Just don’t call me Dr. Poolittle.

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