Staff Sargent Wilson’s request for nude photos from his wife were all that kept him going during 17 consecutive voluntary tours of duty in Fallujah.
It’s For Your Own Good. Really.
I’m not really sure how to deal with what I’m dealing with this weekend.Hopefully no one in my family will get angry with me for airing a bit of laundry. I promised my Mother I’d help her when the time came to put Grandma in a nursing home. And wouldn’t you know it , three days after me Ma returned to Florida from Toronto and I returned to Boston – Grandma is off the nursing home waiting list and we have to turn around and go straight back.
So I’m sitting near gate C34 at Logan waiting for JetBlue to scurry me off to Buffalo. I’ll then drive over the border to Toronto and we plan to basically ambush Grandma on Sunday night so she doesn’t have a lot of time to mull over what’s happening to her. She will never go quietly from her home until she is dead, and there will be bloodshed when she figures out that her time in her house of 30 years is up.
I don’t know if we have a strategy. I suppose my mother has contacted our social worker, and perhaps employees of the senior residence in question, and I won’t be expected to slap a straitjacket on the old girl. Are we “looking” at homes for future reference? Going to a bingo parlour (I have to learn to start using ‘u’s again), Attending a matinée of Cocoon? I don’t know what the gameplan is. There might not be one. I’ll be hanging out with JJV, Amy, Richie, Ryan Weaving and the rest of the gang Friday and Saturday before reporting for duty Sunday morning.
When she was lucid, I was very close with my Grandmother, and I take some degree of solace in knowing that 10 years ago, if she could have looked ahead through the reflection in a magic birdbath or something and seen what we’d become she’d have appreciated my family (Janet was absolutely terrific with Grandma at Christmas) trying to help maintain her safety and quality of life.
Unfortunately, the woman we’ll be dealing with Sunday is the most stubborn, vindictive, uncooperative creature you can imagine. It’s going to be something else.
Wednesday Wadio: Little Becky’s Demolition Project.
“How are you, my name’s Becky. I have a proposal for you“.
This is an recording of a prank phone call to a demolition company in Ireland. The differentiator is it’s placed by a little girl with surprising comedic ability and quick thinking, which is why I’m wasting your time with it. The adults giggle and try to play along, but Becky just keeps pushing the issue with a straight face.
“Is this a demolition company, or a joke factory?”
She wants her school bombed with all her teachers inside, which is especially precious considering the geographic location. Listen to Little Becky’s plans for her school and then check out her official website with all her calls to date.
All In One Overkill.
I bought myself a little Christmas present this year. Namely a Canon all-in-one printer, fax, scanner, photo printer, copier monstrosity that is now sitting atop my shelves, daring me to find a reason to use it. I had to transfer my health insurance and was able to print the necessary forms out to sign. I also printed out my citizenship application and signed that. But now I fear I will run out of everyday uses for my new personal Deep Blue, and it will rapidly collect dust.
In order to fax anything, I will first have to get a land line, which isn’t happening anytime soon. I might as well get a cassette tape answering machine with a pre-recorded California Raisins greeting and a 500 baud modem while I’m at it. I don’t see a lot of potential for the scanner, either. I could go through my photo album and find a few ancient gems for a laugh, but I can’t keep up with posting the damn digital pics that are piling up. Anyone who really wants to see what I look like wearing diapers can frequent some of the local swingers clubs. So again, not very likely.
The copier will be good for building management duties, like duping leases, invoices and the like. And there’s always the chance I’ll have a guest over some day who wishes to photocopy their behind. But why couldn’t they just take a digital photo of their buttocks? Or scan them? Or take a photo of their buttocks and then scan that? And then maybe never be invited back.
I think the problem here is that I have too many methods at my disposal by which to accomplish the exact same thing – the transmission of a document. It’s frustratingly hard to choose. Perhaps I can webcam my tax return this year, take a freezeframe which I can then print onto photo paper, scan, and then fax to the IRS. Or I could get a pen and some stamps.
Snap, Crack, Pop.
Last night Mike, Joanna, Janet and I wandered around to 3 different parties in the South End. We didn’t get back to Medford until nearly 6am, so all told I technically spent 10 hours doing the New Year’s thing. As I was the driver, it was obviously a bit challenging to remain amused the entire time. So I started making up Saddam Hussein jokes. As you do.
Q: What was Saddam Hussein’s favorite wine?
A: Earnest and Julio Gallo.
Q: What was Saddam Hussein’s favorite Three’s Company character?
A: Mr. Roper.
Q: What was Saddam Hussein’s favorite Chubby Checkers song?
A: Twisting the Night Away.
And my personal favorite:
Q: What was Saddam Hussein’s favorite INXS song?
A: New Sensation. (Say it fast).
I didn’t say they were funny. My mission was made even more urgent by the number of people who became thoroughly disgusted with my work – which obviously just encouraged me. I hope everyone got home safe, and here’s hoping for a doozy of a 2007.