How did you spend your Friday night? I am coaching little Griffin through the latest PS2 game I rented for her from Gamefly. You have to do little dances with Barbie to collect gems to help a kitten rescue a princess. It’s not so terrible actually. I’ll try to explain.

When I worked in England, there was a German guy who came in every Thursday night and drank baby mixers of Canada Dry. Since non-drinkers in England stick out like sore thumbs, I once asked why he was so fond of the ginger ale. His answer went something like this: “The amount you can party or go crazy in one lifetime is like a candle wick. Some people burn through theirs quicker than others, and I am all done.” If I were to apply that analogy to my own life, the flame would have spread to the curtains and burnt down the entire house, ages ago.

I don’t think it’s unusual for maturity to be a sudden and conscious, black and white decision – and not necessarily a gradual progression. If I were married, had a mortgage or my own children I’d have mellowed out years ago, naturally. My personal development is synthetic and born of necessity. And I like it.

Hello all – I am off to Toronto for the better part of a week. Stay happy, stay safe and remember – the most important part of spending the Holidays with family and friends is that you don’t accidentally offend anyone while privately enjoying your long-standing traditions. I leave you with this (hat tip to Taz)…

“On the 2nd day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 8-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone- poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled

processed tree carcasses

and…

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.”

Merry Christmas. So there!